cw: game starring real life pervert

I've been doing this gaming thing for a while, I usually come across almost everything a platform has to offer whether from me mindlessly wandering around my legally acquired wares that I dumped myself, word of mouth, browsing Hardcore Gaming 101 articles, seeing it on Game Sack, etc.

Needless to say, my job is never done it seems, even on my childhood console and it's original Japanese counterpart. Tashiro Masashi no Princess ga Ippai, aka roughly translated as Masashi Tashiro Has So Many Princesses, and also unofficially renamed by Suicidal Translations as "Princessestual Orgy" (No, there's nothing of the sort in here) is a side-scrolling problematic affair starring some real life bloke named Masashi Tashiro who's on a quest to save four princesses and save fairyland from the hot Ultra Witch, and apparently this guy never once had to actually jump in his entire life. "Mashi" without a full head of steam may as well have no steam at all, no steamed hams to speak of. The horizontal gain on his leaping ability could be described as outdone by a worker ant doing jumping jacks. In order to gain any kind of respectful distance you need to run at least a little bit before making your disgraceful attempt at getting aboard a platform.

The game itself doesn't do anything original, but has a complete identity crisis of whether it's trying to ape Super Mario Bros, Zelda II's non-linear stage layout, or even inexplicably swapping to top-down Zelda in the final stage, or perhaps more comparable in quality to Deadly Towers aka Hell's Bells aka "that shit that the assholians bowed down to". Mashi doesn't have a sword, but instead uses a yo-yo. I don't know if that's a thing he does, but I'm just going to assume he's trying to rip off The Noid's style, who would probably slap a kimura on this geek and tap him out in a nanosecond.

Mashi was apparently a member of the band Rats & Star, then became a comedian later. Is this another one of those Famicom games by a comedian where the joke is apparently that the game sucks? Because I've yet to laugh or feel good about myself. I can think of funnier games on the same system, like the Transformers game that I can't stream on Discord because the military-grade light show it throws constantly can sear the eyes off an entire planet's population, or that FDS tank game that tells you to insert it into "the fucking box". It certainly does not help matters that Mashi looks like a fuckin' dork here being in a game where some anime girls are fawning for him, and proves to be the one legitimate time a game ages like a decomposing corpse when Mashi was later arrested for trying to film up women's skirts.

Classy fella.

While doing some research on the few areas on the internet with information on this, a lot of them push that this game was among the few to first introduce multiple endings. I'm going to go ahead and assume this is some kind of Simon's Quest erasure that's been spreading since 2006, the conspiracy is strong and my tin foil containment suit is forever donned. Yes, they will indeed push this Famicom game that only two people have played in order to destroy all accolades of Konami's sequel to one of the most legendary games to grace the 8-bit era. It be like that.

I'd half-star this game out of spite, but unfortunately the final boss's second form actually looks kinda rad and that's something for it I guess. Still shocked I hadn't caught wind of this until now, my sources have failed me and I no longer wish to know them.

Laundry day is a very dangerous day.