"We have Star Fox at home, by the way where did you learn to fly? Avoid the ground!"
While I was playing the Atari Jaguar pack-in title Cybermorph I could only think to myself, "is this what younger folk think Star Fox is like?", because god I seriously hope not. On one hand it feels like it has better frame rate than Star Fox, but you know what it lacks in comparison that's also kinda important? Draw distance. Combining how near-sighted you are with the high speed movement of your ship and it's horrifically touchy controls leads to wacky-ass shenanigans where you mindlessly fly into hills, leading to the infamous moments where a green decapitated head materializes on your screen and asks you where you got your pilot's license at.
"Pilot's license?! What for?!" ~ Bubsy in Fractured Furry Tales
Obviously that was the joke!!! For added hilarity, the game also enjoys placing your ship back inside the hill you just dived into, ensuring you probably crash at least twice into the same piece of deadly obstacle you died at. There's also no in-game music, so all you've got are insanely low quality sound effects and the decapitated head for company. Remember the fun ramblings of your teammates Falco, Slippy, and Peppy? Fuck them, you don't need them when you got the decapitated head going "OUCH." Now that's who I wanna play Electronic Battleship with during the rainy weekend!
While I'm on the subject of the Jaguar itself I really wanna talk about the controller, because man it sucks. You know your controller is garbage when it manages to be a nuisance from beyond the grave. It's basically a three button controller with one of those dumbass telephone button layouts at the bottom. I really wanna meet the old curmudgeon bastard who thought "yeah, those nice looking SNES pads and six button Genesis controllers? Just a fad, we're continuing with the dumbass telephone button layouts!". I've got like seven controllers compatible with my PC and not a single one of them are good for the Jaguar thanks to that shit, and I'm required to make different button layouts for games. You think anyone's making Jaguar controllers compatible with PCs? I hope not, I'd rather buy a flight stick with a bunch of buttons for playing Cybermorph than get a Jaguar repro controller.
"Oh that's a cool fight stick! You play Ace Combat or something?"
"Nah, I got it for playing Cybermorph on my Atari Jaguar."
You seriously have no idea how fast I'd find myself shoved into a locker if I said that to anyone. It could be the sweetest little girl you could ever meet, and within a micro-instance they'd still smash me into the tiniest subatomic locker with my body crushed into the finest of pastes. Even Amazo from the DC Animated Universe would have a hard time finding my corpse during the aftermath.
Painfully dull, ugly even for it's time, wouldn't be shocked if Cybermorph was what killed Atari for good and left it to be the zombie that it is today. Horrifying, fuck you decapitated head.
While I was playing the Atari Jaguar pack-in title Cybermorph I could only think to myself, "is this what younger folk think Star Fox is like?", because god I seriously hope not. On one hand it feels like it has better frame rate than Star Fox, but you know what it lacks in comparison that's also kinda important? Draw distance. Combining how near-sighted you are with the high speed movement of your ship and it's horrifically touchy controls leads to wacky-ass shenanigans where you mindlessly fly into hills, leading to the infamous moments where a green decapitated head materializes on your screen and asks you where you got your pilot's license at.
"Pilot's license?! What for?!" ~ Bubsy in Fractured Furry Tales
Obviously that was the joke!!! For added hilarity, the game also enjoys placing your ship back inside the hill you just dived into, ensuring you probably crash at least twice into the same piece of deadly obstacle you died at. There's also no in-game music, so all you've got are insanely low quality sound effects and the decapitated head for company. Remember the fun ramblings of your teammates Falco, Slippy, and Peppy? Fuck them, you don't need them when you got the decapitated head going "OUCH." Now that's who I wanna play Electronic Battleship with during the rainy weekend!
While I'm on the subject of the Jaguar itself I really wanna talk about the controller, because man it sucks. You know your controller is garbage when it manages to be a nuisance from beyond the grave. It's basically a three button controller with one of those dumbass telephone button layouts at the bottom. I really wanna meet the old curmudgeon bastard who thought "yeah, those nice looking SNES pads and six button Genesis controllers? Just a fad, we're continuing with the dumbass telephone button layouts!". I've got like seven controllers compatible with my PC and not a single one of them are good for the Jaguar thanks to that shit, and I'm required to make different button layouts for games. You think anyone's making Jaguar controllers compatible with PCs? I hope not, I'd rather buy a flight stick with a bunch of buttons for playing Cybermorph than get a Jaguar repro controller.
"Oh that's a cool fight stick! You play Ace Combat or something?"
"Nah, I got it for playing Cybermorph on my Atari Jaguar."
You seriously have no idea how fast I'd find myself shoved into a locker if I said that to anyone. It could be the sweetest little girl you could ever meet, and within a micro-instance they'd still smash me into the tiniest subatomic locker with my body crushed into the finest of pastes. Even Amazo from the DC Animated Universe would have a hard time finding my corpse during the aftermath.
Painfully dull, ugly even for it's time, wouldn't be shocked if Cybermorph was what killed Atari for good and left it to be the zombie that it is today. Horrifying, fuck you decapitated head.
3 Comments
The worst part is that I still don't know how to fly
fly fly fly like a butterfly butterfly fly fly fly like a butterfly butterfly
fly fly fly like a butterfly butterfly fly fly fly like a butterfly butterfly
I am nothing if not an enabler of playing shitty games on shitty platforms
Vee
1 year ago