Oh bananas...
It was Christmas 1999 when I got my Nintnedo 64, the second home console I ever owned. I was no stranger to the system, in fact I was the last person on my block to get one, but my mom was up to her eyeballs in student loan debt while trying to raise two kids, we weren't exactly a household that could afford to keep current on technology. My ceaseless begging finally wore her down, and she pinched every penny should could just to make me happy. Jungle green with a copy of Donkey Kong 64 and a (MANDATORY) expansion pak. I was thrilled, to say the least.
I got the console all set up on the living room TV, my mom watching as I powered it on and the DK Rap started up... "C'mon Cranky, kick it to the fridge!" I felt fucking mortified. The only other time I was so embarrassed about a piece of media that I didn't even want my own mother to know I was experiencing it was when she rented me Batman & Robin. But, alright, whatever. It's just a corny intro song, and I'm like, 12. Big deal.
Then Candy Kong came on the screen. God damnit. Son of a bitch.
Because money was so tight, Donkey Kong 64 was one of only two N64 games I actually owned at the time the console was being actively supported (the other being Pokemon Stadium.) That meant I played a whole lot of Donkey Kong, and I didn't even particularly enjoy it. I still played plenty of other games for the system, mostly on rental, at my friend's house, or when visiting my grandpa, but the few games I actually owned and could experience at my own leisure were of course the ones that got the most play. Obviously I've kept the cart with me all these years, as well as my jungle green N64, cherishing them as reminders of what my mom had to sacrifice so her spoiled brat of a son could enjoy his stupid monkey game, but it had been about twenty years since I played this game last. Who knows, maybe I'd like it more?
Not really, but I did do a couple things to make this playthrough more tolerable than the last: not going for 100% completion and listening to a whole lot of Art Bell in the background while I played. Fungi Forest is infinitely more enjoyable when you only need to go there for two or three golden bananas, and listening to Art talk about Mel's Hole provides enough of a distraction to keep yourself grounded. That's especially important, as attentively playing this game will activate you, give you the mind of a killer.
Rare reached their apotheosis with collectathons in DK64, and not only is there just too damn much stuff to collect, it's all strewn about haphazardly. Levels are designed in completely illogical ways, so much so that even one of them (Frantic Factory) is straight-up non-euclidean. There's no flow to them, you're never able to fall into a satisfying rhythm, some would say they have no style, no grace. In the middle of an area designed for Chunky Kong you might have like, five red bananas in a corner that only Diddy can pick up, so you have to run all the way to a hotswap barrel and go back as Diddy so you won't forget about them later, then run back and swap over to Chunky again so you can finish what you were doing. It's inconvenient, but take that one example and blow it up over the course of the entire game with all its different collectables (the keys, the coins, the golden bananas, the regular bananas...) and you have a mess. Buried beneath all the slop is a game that could've been more focused, allowing players to swap characters on the fly, with far fewer tools and pads and switches and gates to manage, making for a much more streamlined experience. In the late 90s, Rare was simply incapable of making such a game, evidently knowing only how to pile more crap on.
The nicest thing I can say about Donkey Kong 64 is that only 100 of the 201 golden bananas are required to beat the game. I have not factored in how many keys and coins you need, I refuse to do the monkey math on that. When you're gunning for the credits and nothing but, it's a much more enjoyable experience because you can cherry pick what parts you actually want to play. You don't have to do the slide races if you don't want to, nobody is forcing you to play all of Donkey Kong 64. Not really much of a compliment though when the most positive quality of a game is being able to play less of it. But as I was cruising through Creepy Castle, Art Bell keeping me calm and collected, I thought "this isn't so bad. I'll be done soon and then I can play a good video game."
Caller: "Art, why don't you have somebody-- I know you're connected with somebody that's got radar available. Radar would be the way to go to find out the depth."
Art: "How about a cop's radar?"
Caller: "I'm not sure they'll return an echo off of that. It's possible."
Mel: "It'd tell you how fast the hole is going, wouldn't it?"
If you're from a younger generation that didn't grow up with this game - a Zoomer or whatever future generation finds this review in like 2040 - and your familiarity with DK64 is the elements that have been memed to death, like the DK Rap, or Grant Kirkhope's "oh-kay" and "ohh ba-na-na," then heed my warning: None of those things are good enough to justify experiencing this game first-hand, they can all be enjoyed in a vacuum. This is my "just say no to drugs" speech. You might think Lanky Kong is a funny looking freak, but he's not worth experiencing 20 hours at minimum of one of the worst games from a major Nintendo partner ever released for any of their consoles. Oh sure, you might think it's funny every now and then when you see something you recognize, but I guarantee you that most of your time is going to be spent running around looking for five different colors of bananas feeling like you've just had your entire frontal lobe removed. Drooling all over yourself mumbling about Banana Faries... is that how you want your family to find you?
I'd like to take a copy of this game and throw it down Mel's hole. Maybe it'll come back as something better... Or maybe something worse.
It was Christmas 1999 when I got my Nintnedo 64, the second home console I ever owned. I was no stranger to the system, in fact I was the last person on my block to get one, but my mom was up to her eyeballs in student loan debt while trying to raise two kids, we weren't exactly a household that could afford to keep current on technology. My ceaseless begging finally wore her down, and she pinched every penny should could just to make me happy. Jungle green with a copy of Donkey Kong 64 and a (MANDATORY) expansion pak. I was thrilled, to say the least.
I got the console all set up on the living room TV, my mom watching as I powered it on and the DK Rap started up... "C'mon Cranky, kick it to the fridge!" I felt fucking mortified. The only other time I was so embarrassed about a piece of media that I didn't even want my own mother to know I was experiencing it was when she rented me Batman & Robin. But, alright, whatever. It's just a corny intro song, and I'm like, 12. Big deal.
Then Candy Kong came on the screen. God damnit. Son of a bitch.
Because money was so tight, Donkey Kong 64 was one of only two N64 games I actually owned at the time the console was being actively supported (the other being Pokemon Stadium.) That meant I played a whole lot of Donkey Kong, and I didn't even particularly enjoy it. I still played plenty of other games for the system, mostly on rental, at my friend's house, or when visiting my grandpa, but the few games I actually owned and could experience at my own leisure were of course the ones that got the most play. Obviously I've kept the cart with me all these years, as well as my jungle green N64, cherishing them as reminders of what my mom had to sacrifice so her spoiled brat of a son could enjoy his stupid monkey game, but it had been about twenty years since I played this game last. Who knows, maybe I'd like it more?
Not really, but I did do a couple things to make this playthrough more tolerable than the last: not going for 100% completion and listening to a whole lot of Art Bell in the background while I played. Fungi Forest is infinitely more enjoyable when you only need to go there for two or three golden bananas, and listening to Art talk about Mel's Hole provides enough of a distraction to keep yourself grounded. That's especially important, as attentively playing this game will activate you, give you the mind of a killer.
Rare reached their apotheosis with collectathons in DK64, and not only is there just too damn much stuff to collect, it's all strewn about haphazardly. Levels are designed in completely illogical ways, so much so that even one of them (Frantic Factory) is straight-up non-euclidean. There's no flow to them, you're never able to fall into a satisfying rhythm, some would say they have no style, no grace. In the middle of an area designed for Chunky Kong you might have like, five red bananas in a corner that only Diddy can pick up, so you have to run all the way to a hotswap barrel and go back as Diddy so you won't forget about them later, then run back and swap over to Chunky again so you can finish what you were doing. It's inconvenient, but take that one example and blow it up over the course of the entire game with all its different collectables (the keys, the coins, the golden bananas, the regular bananas...) and you have a mess. Buried beneath all the slop is a game that could've been more focused, allowing players to swap characters on the fly, with far fewer tools and pads and switches and gates to manage, making for a much more streamlined experience. In the late 90s, Rare was simply incapable of making such a game, evidently knowing only how to pile more crap on.
The nicest thing I can say about Donkey Kong 64 is that only 100 of the 201 golden bananas are required to beat the game. I have not factored in how many keys and coins you need, I refuse to do the monkey math on that. When you're gunning for the credits and nothing but, it's a much more enjoyable experience because you can cherry pick what parts you actually want to play. You don't have to do the slide races if you don't want to, nobody is forcing you to play all of Donkey Kong 64. Not really much of a compliment though when the most positive quality of a game is being able to play less of it. But as I was cruising through Creepy Castle, Art Bell keeping me calm and collected, I thought "this isn't so bad. I'll be done soon and then I can play a good video game."
Caller: "Art, why don't you have somebody-- I know you're connected with somebody that's got radar available. Radar would be the way to go to find out the depth."
Art: "How about a cop's radar?"
Caller: "I'm not sure they'll return an echo off of that. It's possible."
Mel: "It'd tell you how fast the hole is going, wouldn't it?"
If you're from a younger generation that didn't grow up with this game - a Zoomer or whatever future generation finds this review in like 2040 - and your familiarity with DK64 is the elements that have been memed to death, like the DK Rap, or Grant Kirkhope's "oh-kay" and "ohh ba-na-na," then heed my warning: None of those things are good enough to justify experiencing this game first-hand, they can all be enjoyed in a vacuum. This is my "just say no to drugs" speech. You might think Lanky Kong is a funny looking freak, but he's not worth experiencing 20 hours at minimum of one of the worst games from a major Nintendo partner ever released for any of their consoles. Oh sure, you might think it's funny every now and then when you see something you recognize, but I guarantee you that most of your time is going to be spent running around looking for five different colors of bananas feeling like you've just had your entire frontal lobe removed. Drooling all over yourself mumbling about Banana Faries... is that how you want your family to find you?
I'd like to take a copy of this game and throw it down Mel's hole. Maybe it'll come back as something better... Or maybe something worse.
gruel
1 year ago