this is more of a self realisation after many years of contemplation whether or not i liked this game. this game was quite literally a turning point in my life, and i remember it like it was yesterday. this is a game that means a lot to me and i've always wondered why. the first time i played this game i was around 13, i climbed the top of the mountain with my friend i made along the way, said my goodbyes spamming notes and the credits rolled as i became a star and flung down the mountain and a beautfiul song played that encapsulated this happy yet melancholic feeling of having something beautiful but knowing i'll never experience something like this ever again, and i cried, but tried to keep it in because my brother was sitting next to me and didn't wanna look like a bitch.. but why did i even cry? what did this game even mean to me? i mean it's literally the most "non-game" game out there. it's a walking simulator with sand surfing, quite literally a journey to the top of the mountain with i guess pretty visuals and you get to do this with a random partner assigned to you with an fitting soundtrack. but honestly, i think that is exactly why i enjoyed this game, i beat myself and tried to downplay the reasons for enjoying it because i was afraid to accept it for what it is and it being a hit to the ego because i attached myself to it. it was a problem with my mindset, that i shut it out telling myself this is pretentious, why would you even like a game like this, this isn't even a game, wheres the gameplay? i realised that despite all that i still loved the game. it helped me realise a few things; understanding your life is limited so you create a goal/journey to create yourself, the random connections that you create along the way who are also following the same journey you are that you cherish, the mysterious-ness and acceptance of our strange existence in this crazy yet beautiful world and the idea that no matter your experience, it will all end so we should make the most of it. life is too short to worry, to be anxious, to be afraid, so what is stopping your from living? this game taught me games can be beautiful and that i love games and unique experiences. it inherently taught me what to live for and sparked my interest for game making. i haven't made a game yet 10 years later but after this realisation i'm going to start and i know i want to make people happy with my creations. i genuinely could go on forever.
i cried because it made me realise a lot of things about myself and i let myself vulnerable in that one moment, it was the first time i felt like i was truly living, and in tragic fashion it was short lived and i shut it down straight away. i only reopened that core memory because i remembered what it was like to live. introspection on lsd is crazy i will say.
note to self: never be afraid to cry again, always let the world know you love it, because the world will never know otherwise.