(Part 5 of the Half Century Challenge, created by C_F. You can find their fifth review here)
You know what, I am getting SICK and TIRED of reviewing video games, or hell, even just playing them for that matter! I mean, seriously, who even really likes these things anyway? They are full of nothing but dumbass battle royales, microtransactions, IPs being milked to the bone as we speak, and they are all made by a bunch of incompetent TWATS who should be ashamed of themselves for even thinking about taking part in this industry in the first place! And quite frankly, I have had it up to HERE with them, so I’m gonna be stopping right here. I’m gonna move onto reviewing actual games from now on, you know, ones that are actually FUN, and people actually put proper time and heart into, just so that I can get away from all of that other FILTH……………… but hey, I’m sure this all seems very sudden for a lot of you, so I will go ahead and ease you into this new period of my reviewing “career” by reviewing one last video game, one that is essentially an electronic version of an actual, proper game! It’s perfect! So, let us take this final journey by talking about the not-at-all-awkwardly named Touch Me.
For those who are unaware as to what this game is, it is essentially an electronic version of the classic game that we all know and love, Simon Says, or just Simon, for those of you who care about that kind of stuff. It was originally released in 1974 as an arcade title, which you can see through this video, where you have these different buttons, they will light up and go BRZT in a determined sequence, and you have to repeat that sequence until you ultimately lose and feel dead inside as a result. It’s a very simple game that I’m sure that we have all played at some point in our lives, and you can see here just from this one simple arcade machine how effective it really is. The simple design, the simple colors, the infectious sound effects, as well as the natural skills that you can develop from playing Simon Says, such as motor skills and body awareness, makes this an unmistakable gem that most other games over the years can never match, just from its timeless quality alone. Not to mention, the machine even allows you multiple chances, just in case you fuck up, so if you do inevitably mess up, it lets you try again, just to remind you that there is always a way to pick yourself back up and have at it again, even when you feel like you have exhausted every option available.
However, that is not the version of the game that I played, since it is literally impossible for me to play it unless I actually go out and try to find one of these machines. So, instead, I tried out the 1979 version of the game, which was a completely separate handheld version of the game that you could take anywhere! You could play it at home, at the park, at work, even at your wife’s funeral! There can now be plenty of Touch Me fun wherever you go (I’m losing my mind)! And thankfully, it works just as well as the original version of the game, with bright colors to be seen and plenty of BRZTS to add to the experience! However, according to what it says on the box, you better not even THINK about giving this shit to anyone under 7 years old, or anyone past the stage of adult, because if you do, they will have a heart attack right on the spot, as they just can’t handle the INTENSITY of a game like Simon Says!
But if you think that this version is just a straight port of the original Touch Me with no extra bells or whistles to it, then you better sit down, because what I’m about to tell you is gonna blow your fucking mind:..... THERE’S MORE GAME NOW! With this version, you can now set different levels of skill, from as low as 8 all the way up to 99, challenging the player to follow along the pattern a specific amount of times, even rewarding the player with a nice jingle at the end, and OOH BOY, is that jingle ever so sweet. You may think these modes might not mean all that much, but when you think about it, it seems like a pretty daunting task. I mean, seriously, have you ever heard about anyone being able to complete an entire 99 rounds of Simon Says without messing up once? I certainly haven’t, especially not with this version of the game, and I am convinced that nobody has truly reached their full potential in life unless they have completed said 99 rounds in this game. Why else would I be here right now talking about it?
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, all of the wonders of the classic game Simon are here and accounted for, for you to get lost in for hours, having the most amount of fun you have ever had in your……… in your………. uh………. sigh............ what am I doing? No, really, WHAT am I doing right now? I’m making a multi-paragraph review about Simon Fucking Says… what has my life come to?! Who the fuck even actually likes Simon Says, anyway? It’s the most boring-ass game in the world, and there’s no way anyone could ever make the game more fun than it actually is…….. unless…… wait… there have been ways that people have made the game more fun! Like, look here in this video, and skip to the 1:28:31 mark! Look at how they took something boring and monotonous and turned it into something more charming and energetic… that makes the game more fun!... to a degree. And look, over here, at the 11:38 mark… they managed to take Simon Says and add a crude, yet oddly hilarious spin on it that makes it even more fun than it was before! Hell, even in a bad game like this one, they managed to take this simple game and make it that much more enjoyable, even by adding extra urgency for whenever you fuck up!
I think I get it now…. yes! I was wrong all along! Video games aren’t filth or terrible in any way… they’re actually wonderful! Sure, there is definitely a lot, and I mean A LOT, wrong with them, and the industry as a whole, but look at all of the wondrous things that we have made from these things! So many different worlds that we can explore, so many fun challenges that we can take on, so many different characters that we grow to love as if they were actual, living people, and so many different ways that they have been able to bring us together, to connect with one another, and to make many different kinds of relationships that, if lucky, could last forever. Making Simon Says a better game is just one small, insignificant fraction of what video games can truly do, and I feel ashamed that I ever threw this medium under the bus, even if it was all meant for a joke! I’m sorry, video games, and I promise, I will never ever leave your side again…
Overall, Touch Me was an interesting way of making a fun, more interactable and replayable version of Simon Says, but really, there is only so much you can get out of it not just because of how one-note and rudimentary it is, especially with many, MANY different versions of the game out there that do make it much better and more replayable. It is a neat little novelty for its time, and it is somewhat fun to go back to for the sake of remembering history, but there isn’t many other reasons as to why you would want to go back to it in the first place. Also, they REALLY couldn’t think of a better title for this thing? I mean, seriously, they could’ve just named it “Simon” or “Memorization”, or something like that, but no, instead we get a name that I feel very uncomfortable saying out loud, especially when I’m around most other people. Keep that shit to yourself, Atari, cause I ain’t interested.
Game #596
You know what, I am getting SICK and TIRED of reviewing video games, or hell, even just playing them for that matter! I mean, seriously, who even really likes these things anyway? They are full of nothing but dumbass battle royales, microtransactions, IPs being milked to the bone as we speak, and they are all made by a bunch of incompetent TWATS who should be ashamed of themselves for even thinking about taking part in this industry in the first place! And quite frankly, I have had it up to HERE with them, so I’m gonna be stopping right here. I’m gonna move onto reviewing actual games from now on, you know, ones that are actually FUN, and people actually put proper time and heart into, just so that I can get away from all of that other FILTH……………… but hey, I’m sure this all seems very sudden for a lot of you, so I will go ahead and ease you into this new period of my reviewing “career” by reviewing one last video game, one that is essentially an electronic version of an actual, proper game! It’s perfect! So, let us take this final journey by talking about the not-at-all-awkwardly named Touch Me.
For those who are unaware as to what this game is, it is essentially an electronic version of the classic game that we all know and love, Simon Says, or just Simon, for those of you who care about that kind of stuff. It was originally released in 1974 as an arcade title, which you can see through this video, where you have these different buttons, they will light up and go BRZT in a determined sequence, and you have to repeat that sequence until you ultimately lose and feel dead inside as a result. It’s a very simple game that I’m sure that we have all played at some point in our lives, and you can see here just from this one simple arcade machine how effective it really is. The simple design, the simple colors, the infectious sound effects, as well as the natural skills that you can develop from playing Simon Says, such as motor skills and body awareness, makes this an unmistakable gem that most other games over the years can never match, just from its timeless quality alone. Not to mention, the machine even allows you multiple chances, just in case you fuck up, so if you do inevitably mess up, it lets you try again, just to remind you that there is always a way to pick yourself back up and have at it again, even when you feel like you have exhausted every option available.
However, that is not the version of the game that I played, since it is literally impossible for me to play it unless I actually go out and try to find one of these machines. So, instead, I tried out the 1979 version of the game, which was a completely separate handheld version of the game that you could take anywhere! You could play it at home, at the park, at work, even at your wife’s funeral! There can now be plenty of Touch Me fun wherever you go (I’m losing my mind)! And thankfully, it works just as well as the original version of the game, with bright colors to be seen and plenty of BRZTS to add to the experience! However, according to what it says on the box, you better not even THINK about giving this shit to anyone under 7 years old, or anyone past the stage of adult, because if you do, they will have a heart attack right on the spot, as they just can’t handle the INTENSITY of a game like Simon Says!
But if you think that this version is just a straight port of the original Touch Me with no extra bells or whistles to it, then you better sit down, because what I’m about to tell you is gonna blow your fucking mind:..... THERE’S MORE GAME NOW! With this version, you can now set different levels of skill, from as low as 8 all the way up to 99, challenging the player to follow along the pattern a specific amount of times, even rewarding the player with a nice jingle at the end, and OOH BOY, is that jingle ever so sweet. You may think these modes might not mean all that much, but when you think about it, it seems like a pretty daunting task. I mean, seriously, have you ever heard about anyone being able to complete an entire 99 rounds of Simon Says without messing up once? I certainly haven’t, especially not with this version of the game, and I am convinced that nobody has truly reached their full potential in life unless they have completed said 99 rounds in this game. Why else would I be here right now talking about it?
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, all of the wonders of the classic game Simon are here and accounted for, for you to get lost in for hours, having the most amount of fun you have ever had in your……… in your………. uh………. sigh............ what am I doing? No, really, WHAT am I doing right now? I’m making a multi-paragraph review about Simon Fucking Says… what has my life come to?! Who the fuck even actually likes Simon Says, anyway? It’s the most boring-ass game in the world, and there’s no way anyone could ever make the game more fun than it actually is…….. unless…… wait… there have been ways that people have made the game more fun! Like, look here in this video, and skip to the 1:28:31 mark! Look at how they took something boring and monotonous and turned it into something more charming and energetic… that makes the game more fun!... to a degree. And look, over here, at the 11:38 mark… they managed to take Simon Says and add a crude, yet oddly hilarious spin on it that makes it even more fun than it was before! Hell, even in a bad game like this one, they managed to take this simple game and make it that much more enjoyable, even by adding extra urgency for whenever you fuck up!
I think I get it now…. yes! I was wrong all along! Video games aren’t filth or terrible in any way… they’re actually wonderful! Sure, there is definitely a lot, and I mean A LOT, wrong with them, and the industry as a whole, but look at all of the wondrous things that we have made from these things! So many different worlds that we can explore, so many fun challenges that we can take on, so many different characters that we grow to love as if they were actual, living people, and so many different ways that they have been able to bring us together, to connect with one another, and to make many different kinds of relationships that, if lucky, could last forever. Making Simon Says a better game is just one small, insignificant fraction of what video games can truly do, and I feel ashamed that I ever threw this medium under the bus, even if it was all meant for a joke! I’m sorry, video games, and I promise, I will never ever leave your side again…
Overall, Touch Me was an interesting way of making a fun, more interactable and replayable version of Simon Says, but really, there is only so much you can get out of it not just because of how one-note and rudimentary it is, especially with many, MANY different versions of the game out there that do make it much better and more replayable. It is a neat little novelty for its time, and it is somewhat fun to go back to for the sake of remembering history, but there isn’t many other reasons as to why you would want to go back to it in the first place. Also, they REALLY couldn’t think of a better title for this thing? I mean, seriously, they could’ve just named it “Simon” or “Memorization”, or something like that, but no, instead we get a name that I feel very uncomfortable saying out loud, especially when I’m around most other people. Keep that shit to yourself, Atari, cause I ain’t interested.
Game #596
You all are actually surprised they gave this one an oddly-sexual name?
Atari literally made an arcade cabinet a year before this that had boob-shaped joysticks.
Atari literally made an arcade cabinet a year before this that had boob-shaped joysticks.
(Atari 50)
It's Simon Says, what more is there to say?
It's Simon Says, what more is there to say?
Played as part of Atari 50.
It's Simon Says. It's good. Set my goal at a score of 16 and hit it after about 4 or 5 attempts, pretty fun.
It's Simon Says. It's good. Set my goal at a score of 16 and hit it after about 4 or 5 attempts, pretty fun.
Well done me, for basic memory recollection.