Fluppywhiffle
2013
This is my review for the game. This game is fine.
This is my review for the movie. I fucking HATE Gru's stupid fucking nose. Like what the fuck is that penis-ass nose. His Doctor assistant person has an even bigger penis nose and he rides in a Scooter. Does that mean that people with physical disabilities have bigger penis noses than those who are fully capable of movement? Regardless, I am offended. Fuck you Gru. You never deserved life. I wish your stupid minions fell out of the rocket you built and got impaled on your penis nose, Gru. Fuck YOU!!!
This game and its sequels taught me everything I needed to know about level design.
2011
This review contains spoilers
My story with Dark Souls is a little sad. My first exposure to the game was through Pewdiepie's let's play of all places. I remember that I thought it looked like a really interesting, if a bit frustrating game to play. At that point in time, though, I didn't have much patience for games, and was very easily frustrated by them. It wasn't until around two years later that I finally picked up a copy of Dark Souls. It was after I rewatched that lets play a few more times and saw the stunning world and enemy designs of the game that I made the decision to get it. I distinctly remember that I was having a bad week when I got the game. I don't remember why that was, but I do know that holding my copy of Dark Souls felt special to me in a way that I cannot quite articulate now. Maybe my memory is embellishing that experience, but I guess that I thought it'd be a good way to test my patience and see if I'd matured since I'd first learned about the game. I was fully prepared to be frustrated, I knew I'd have to try my hardest to control my emotions in order to beat that game. I turned on my PS3 and inserted the disk, after which point I took a breath and awaited what was to come.
But something strange happened. From the moment I began the game, I felt...calm. I was entranced by what I saw, I was immersed in that world. I'd never played anything like it before, and it was super different from what I thought I was going to get. Every time I died, I was not mad, but rather, I accepted that I made a mistake and was ultimately okay with it. I remember fighting the first few bosses; the Taurus Demon was especially difficult for me to beat. I remember the placement of enemies and the secrets and shortcuts. There was a guy sitting by a bonfire in Firelink Shrine, and I slashed him with my sword to see what would happen. To my surprise, he started attacking me back and I couldn't beat him. It felt bad in a way because I knew that I'd missed the information that he had to say, but that was okay--or so I thought-- because I could just go back to the previous bonfire and everything would be okay. WRONG! When I went back to Firelink Shrine, the fucker kept attacking me. I learned that my actions had consequences at that point, and that I'd have to think before I acted. This wasn't just a video game, it was a world....
And then the Firelink guy jumped off the cliff because his AI broke, and I laughed about that for a bit. You see, throughout all of that playtime, wasn't frustrated with the game at all. I might've been frustrated by my own stupid decisions, but with every fuckup, a new lesson was learned. I felt a more instantaneous sense of comfort and familiarity with Dark Souls' world than I think I ever had with a game prior, and that was honestly pretty special to me. Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely fucking pitiful at the game-- hell, I barely understood how a bunch of its systems worked, but I enjoyed my time with it more than I think I even realised at the time.
After I beat the Capra Demon, though, I decided to take a short break from the game. I don't remember exactly why I chose to do this-- maybe I was dying a lot, maybe I had more work to slog through, I don't know. Whatever the case, I was planning to resume my journey through Dark Souls when the time was right. But that time never came. One day, a vast quantity of the games I had were stolen from me, including Dark Souls. I was never able to finish that journey I had. In fact, I blocked the journey I did have out of my memory. I didn't think about Dark Souls outside of a few short moments every now and again. It wasn't until I got really into watching video essays that the game popped back into the front of my mind. At that point, Dark Souls wasn't just a difficult, weird, one of a kind experience anymore, it was one of the most influential games ever made. It was a masterpiece of world design, a masterclass in level design, and a prodigy of narrative design. I ended up watching videos comparing it to lesser ones. I learned about the true genius of the game. I learned about the emotional impact of Great Grey Wolf Sif. I learned about the traps of Sen's Fortress and the snake people who existed within its walls. I learned about Gwyn and Nito and the parallels between hollowed souls and depression. I then learned about the rest of the games in the series, and other 'souls-likes' outside of them. I felt its influence in the other games I played. I learned a tonne about Dark Souls-- hell, I know about as much as there is to know about it at this point. The game is absolutely legendary.
Yet, when I think back on it, I never got to learn anything for myself, did I? My experience with Dark Souls is limited to the few hours of it that I got to play, and the many hundreds of hours of it I've seen through other people's perspectives. Even those mechanics and systems that I barely understood when I interacted with them firsthand have all been dissected and broken down to the point where I feel as though I can master the game with ease. I already know how the game ends, I know how to beat the 4 kings, I know that Bed of Chaos is a fucking travesty.
Yes, I had my own experience with the game, but if I ever play Dark Souls again, I've already learned someone else's lessons. I will never discover anything about Dark Souls. I will never get to experience it for myself ever again. I will never ever be able to unlearn the things that I learned about the game. All of the magic and lessons and moments I could've experienced for myself were stolen from me, and I sought out that magic, but ended up with other people's experiences instead. I will never play Dark Souls again, because I can't play Dark Souls again. As such, my Dark Souls experience is limited to an npc jumping off a cliff because its AI fucked up. My experience with its world was nothing more than the kick of a ladder. My experience with the Lord of Cinder was naught but a Capra Demon. My experience was limited, but I fucking loved it, even if that love is hidden beneath layers and layers of the knowledge of others. I love Dark Souls and I wish I could love it more.
Y'know, I was originally gonna just leave this stupid review there, but as I finished writing the last paragraph, I realised something interesting. I always seem to have really unusually specific memories of the games and media I consume. However, before I started writing this, I had a really limited memory of Dark Souls. Yet, this has been by far the easiest and most enjoyable thing I've written in a long, long, LONG time. As I said towards the beginning of this excessive ramble, when I picked up Dark Souls for the first time, I remember having a bad week. I think it's kinda poetic in a way that I'm writing about this game I haven't played in many years after having a really bad last two weeks, and for the first time in a long time, I am feeling calm and relaxed. Normally, writing is a painful process for me, and recently, it's actually been excruciating, but in this case, I feel....almost joyful in a way, almost as though I'm sitting by a bonfire. It's as though for the first time in a long time, I've torn off a bandage that has caused me to see the sun again. I don't know if this has been remotely enjoyable or engaging to read, I don't even know if anyone has read this. I don't know if I'm gonna look back at this review tomorrow and hate what I see. All I know for now is that I'm glad I played what little of Dark Souls I did.
Also Bloodborne sucks, I will not elaborate any further.
But something strange happened. From the moment I began the game, I felt...calm. I was entranced by what I saw, I was immersed in that world. I'd never played anything like it before, and it was super different from what I thought I was going to get. Every time I died, I was not mad, but rather, I accepted that I made a mistake and was ultimately okay with it. I remember fighting the first few bosses; the Taurus Demon was especially difficult for me to beat. I remember the placement of enemies and the secrets and shortcuts. There was a guy sitting by a bonfire in Firelink Shrine, and I slashed him with my sword to see what would happen. To my surprise, he started attacking me back and I couldn't beat him. It felt bad in a way because I knew that I'd missed the information that he had to say, but that was okay--or so I thought-- because I could just go back to the previous bonfire and everything would be okay. WRONG! When I went back to Firelink Shrine, the fucker kept attacking me. I learned that my actions had consequences at that point, and that I'd have to think before I acted. This wasn't just a video game, it was a world....
And then the Firelink guy jumped off the cliff because his AI broke, and I laughed about that for a bit. You see, throughout all of that playtime, wasn't frustrated with the game at all. I might've been frustrated by my own stupid decisions, but with every fuckup, a new lesson was learned. I felt a more instantaneous sense of comfort and familiarity with Dark Souls' world than I think I ever had with a game prior, and that was honestly pretty special to me. Don't get me wrong, I was absolutely fucking pitiful at the game-- hell, I barely understood how a bunch of its systems worked, but I enjoyed my time with it more than I think I even realised at the time.
After I beat the Capra Demon, though, I decided to take a short break from the game. I don't remember exactly why I chose to do this-- maybe I was dying a lot, maybe I had more work to slog through, I don't know. Whatever the case, I was planning to resume my journey through Dark Souls when the time was right. But that time never came. One day, a vast quantity of the games I had were stolen from me, including Dark Souls. I was never able to finish that journey I had. In fact, I blocked the journey I did have out of my memory. I didn't think about Dark Souls outside of a few short moments every now and again. It wasn't until I got really into watching video essays that the game popped back into the front of my mind. At that point, Dark Souls wasn't just a difficult, weird, one of a kind experience anymore, it was one of the most influential games ever made. It was a masterpiece of world design, a masterclass in level design, and a prodigy of narrative design. I ended up watching videos comparing it to lesser ones. I learned about the true genius of the game. I learned about the emotional impact of Great Grey Wolf Sif. I learned about the traps of Sen's Fortress and the snake people who existed within its walls. I learned about Gwyn and Nito and the parallels between hollowed souls and depression. I then learned about the rest of the games in the series, and other 'souls-likes' outside of them. I felt its influence in the other games I played. I learned a tonne about Dark Souls-- hell, I know about as much as there is to know about it at this point. The game is absolutely legendary.
Yet, when I think back on it, I never got to learn anything for myself, did I? My experience with Dark Souls is limited to the few hours of it that I got to play, and the many hundreds of hours of it I've seen through other people's perspectives. Even those mechanics and systems that I barely understood when I interacted with them firsthand have all been dissected and broken down to the point where I feel as though I can master the game with ease. I already know how the game ends, I know how to beat the 4 kings, I know that Bed of Chaos is a fucking travesty.
Yes, I had my own experience with the game, but if I ever play Dark Souls again, I've already learned someone else's lessons. I will never discover anything about Dark Souls. I will never get to experience it for myself ever again. I will never ever be able to unlearn the things that I learned about the game. All of the magic and lessons and moments I could've experienced for myself were stolen from me, and I sought out that magic, but ended up with other people's experiences instead. I will never play Dark Souls again, because I can't play Dark Souls again. As such, my Dark Souls experience is limited to an npc jumping off a cliff because its AI fucked up. My experience with its world was nothing more than the kick of a ladder. My experience with the Lord of Cinder was naught but a Capra Demon. My experience was limited, but I fucking loved it, even if that love is hidden beneath layers and layers of the knowledge of others. I love Dark Souls and I wish I could love it more.
Y'know, I was originally gonna just leave this stupid review there, but as I finished writing the last paragraph, I realised something interesting. I always seem to have really unusually specific memories of the games and media I consume. However, before I started writing this, I had a really limited memory of Dark Souls. Yet, this has been by far the easiest and most enjoyable thing I've written in a long, long, LONG time. As I said towards the beginning of this excessive ramble, when I picked up Dark Souls for the first time, I remember having a bad week. I think it's kinda poetic in a way that I'm writing about this game I haven't played in many years after having a really bad last two weeks, and for the first time in a long time, I am feeling calm and relaxed. Normally, writing is a painful process for me, and recently, it's actually been excruciating, but in this case, I feel....almost joyful in a way, almost as though I'm sitting by a bonfire. It's as though for the first time in a long time, I've torn off a bandage that has caused me to see the sun again. I don't know if this has been remotely enjoyable or engaging to read, I don't even know if anyone has read this. I don't know if I'm gonna look back at this review tomorrow and hate what I see. All I know for now is that I'm glad I played what little of Dark Souls I did.
Also Bloodborne sucks, I will not elaborate any further.
2015
Think Monument Valley if it were a puzzle game. Also comes with a level builder/editor. Pretty okay, if a bit sterile.
2016
Contrary to popular belief, Ubisoft is actually really good at building convincing virtual worlds that are genuinely engaging to venture through. The main problem with a lot of their games, however, is that they’re designed around extraneous sets of obligations that the player has to fulfil rather than rewarding the exploration of their worlds in any meaningful way. In short, they tend to be a set of icons on a map rather than a map with content in it, and as such, playing through a lot of these games ultimately devolves into czeching items off a list. Somehow, Ubisoft Reflections managed to take Grow Home— a short, sweet, and linear game game about climbing up to the sky— and turn it into a bloated shadow of its former self that demonstrates this fundamental design problem better than almost any other game I’ve played. Grow Up isn’t a game with nearly enough substance to foster its open world. Part of what makes Grow Home so enjoyable is that it was short enough to make its minimalistic design feel worthwhile. There weren’t any items you had to go outta your way to collect, you were climbing up to the sky and discovering creatures and locations along the way that were interesting enough to pick up and examine. Grow Up takes this same philosophy and expands it into an open world where you have to collect everything across several mostly uninteresting biomes. B.U.D’s childlike, cluttered movement isn’t ideal for exploring an entire world, yet it is put front and centre in this game just like in Grow Home, but for a much longer and wider duration. Since this game shares DNA with its predecessor, it still has a sense of infectious charm for the first several hours, but its charm wears thin once the game stops being centred around exploration and starts being focused on collecting pieces around the bland world. That’s the primary problem with Grow Up, it’s built on a backbone of exploration, but its game loop is centred around clumsily walking across a world to fulfil an extraneous set of obligations. It is a Ubisoft open world without the strengths of Ubisoft’s world design. Grow Up is just the padding of an open world game, and if I wanted to experience that, I could just go to a grocery store I’ve never been to with someone else’s shopping list.
2016
The only reason I didn't finish this game is because I ran into a soft lock partway through that made it impossible for me to enter a ship (I think) that was supposed to take me to the next level. I'm not too bothered by that, however, because the story was so one note and predictable that I'm fairly certain I already know how the game ends despite having never seen it anywhere. Hue's colour switching mechanic is interesting on paper, but dull in practice. It's little more than a gimmick for the vast majority of the time and the levels are far too simple to carry its dead weight. Also, for a game centred around colours, it's kind of visually bland imo. The best thing about Hue is that it's a short and simple pallet cleanser to play in between more substantial games. The world needs games like Hue, so I'm ultimately glad it exists, but even as a pallet cleanser, it's little more than a footnote.
2013
The game would crash every time I entered a tank.
2017
I downloaded this, the target’s on my arse.
2010
I remember playing through this game in like 4-5 hours in a boring waiting room across 2 days. I remember nothing about the game except for the fact that it was the first time I saw the word cyan, there were a bunch of stupid colourful sperm creatures, and I was waiting until I could leave a waiting room. This is the Asphodel of Sonic games.
I often like to keep my identity concealed, but fingerprints get everywhere! Thanks to Getting Over It with Bennett Foddy on iPhone, now I can successfully file down my fingerprints while having heaps of fun doing so. Thanks Bennett!
TBD
The game I’m writing about is Magic Ball. It was one of the first games I remember playing. Magic Orbs is a stupid name.
2017
A perfect companion piece to Virtue’s Last Reward.
2014
I played 50+ hours of this game over the course of several years. I got 3 stars on every level several times over. I mastered the ins and outs of this game only to learn that it was basically a rip off of Gish’s movement mechanics and now I feel second hand guilt for playing this for as much as I have. Great game though, if I’m honest.
2017
The game itself is fairly decent and inventive, but the music made me feel like I was in a stroller.