no sauce no movement unseasoned chicken content game

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I will go into detail for the uninitiated: those words accurately describe Valorant.

This game has no "sauce" in that it lacks anything to make it stand out from other games. It takes the general movement and gunplay of Counterstrike, but makes it glacially slow. It takes the heroes of Overwatch and gives them piddly, diet abilities that mean there isn't much distinguishing one hero from the next.

Valorant has no movement because your run speed is not only abysmal, but your jump sucks and shift walking is maddeningly slow too. In addition, the game heavily discourages running by making half the map hear you when you do so.

Valorant is unseasoned chicken because it has no soul. None of the characters have a lick of personality, which reflects this game's hardcore fanbase. Some of the characters look like a randomized Sims 3 citizen. The maps are painfully bland. Does this game even have music? I forgot.

And finally, Valorant is a content game because it has no artistic merit. At least Overwatch tries to have distinct heroes with some level of personality, backstory, etc. Not only that, but Overwatch shows artistry in the game design. So does Counter Strike, though it may be less obvious. Valorant is basically Riot saying "Wow, counterstrike and Overwatch are popular, let's do the same thing but worse!"

As an additional note, the community is atrocious. Genuinely. I was playing with this discord mod of a large server (he insisted on joining me and some friends...) and the guy was just a total moron. He was in his 30's and constantly calling everyone a cunt and a bitch. He kept telling me to change to a different weapon because my choice wasn't "optimal." Why are weird transphobic manchildren attracted to mind numbing mid? I'll let you be the judge of that.

Reviewed on Jul 28, 2023


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