Remember when Running with Scissors would show up to gaming expos with a bunch of half-naked pornstars and models in tow to promote whatever the Postal franchise was doing next? Man, the 2000s were wild. The whole "Postal Babes" marketing campaign was apparently so successful it led to the ladies appearing in the actual games themselves, spawning a now defunct website where the company would post naughty pics of them, and starring in their own official spin-off title here.

A single glance at its name and artwork will tell what this mobile excursion is all about. Namely letting you play an action game where you get to look at chicks in their underwear. While I'm sure this was absolutely outrageous back in its day, in our modern era where we have witches clothed in hair who will show you everything but their cooter or nipples and the romance scenes in RPGs have long since turned into softcore pornos, the occasional sight of a pixelated thong-clad booty is hardly salacious enough to shock or offend anymore. Heck, it barely even gets the blood pumping.

What will get you worked up is the gameplay however, as this is unbelievably and stupidly hard. I'm talking that old-school unfair NES level of difficult that would have you questioning if the devs didn't know what they were doing or were just sadists, and leave a younger James Rolfe foaming at the mouth with rage. It starts off fine, but goes right down the crapper the second guns are introduced. At that point the whole thing becomes a torturous trial-and-error process of memorizing enemy placements so that you can try to shoot foes from offscreen before they do the same to you. I feel legitimately sorry for those who bought this on smaller devices because finishing this becomes borderline impossible on narrower aspect ratios.

A shame, as there are genuinely a few touches like the handful of sniping sections and a larger than usual for the format number of stages that show HeroCraft did at least attempt to make the project fun and something of quality. Unfortunately, the list of agonizing faults only continues to compile to include instant-death bomb defusing, bafflingly few health pickups, and needing to carefully manage the ammo in your more powerful weapons to use at the right spots. Turning what should have been a cheesy, sleazy good time into a source of unmitigated pain and suffering. Which I suppose if you were a teen trying to get his rocks off to a steamy-looking cellphone cocktease game in 2009 (why would anyone play this on the go?!) is probably what you deserved. I'm merely somebody who thought it would be amusing/interesting to marathon the entire Postal catalogue though, so I didn't. 🥺

2/10

It was part of the "Missing Calm" Bundle (the publisher) that contained the game "Milk inside a bag of milk inside a bag of milk" that I really wanted to play. The bundle was around 5 dollars. I thought I'd give it a shot since it was in it.

Brief Description

This game is a visual novel, that includes occasional two-option choices. There are three chapters. Decisions do not affect the chapter after it.

The protagonist is a guy named "You" and he goes through a lot of silly stuff. You are finding more about your medical condition and trying to go to work constantly. Took me like half the game to figure out what type of company he works at because it just doesn't mention it in some routes (it is an insurance company). That's all. That's the entire game. Honestly, once you find out more about "You", you realize it was not worth 1.4 hours worth of time.

Pros
-I like the fact that this game is original. It is so easy to use bought assets, but it seems like this game was created from the ground up.
-I think the game is crisp. The font and presentation is cool. Not much really to mess up there though.
-I only found one grammar error and I wish I remembered where to help the developer or translator.
-The OST/songs are neat.

Cons
-This is the main reason why I do not recommend this game. This game is unfortunately, for me, very sleep inducing. It is so boring. I did not enjoy reading it. The black out and phase in transitions (MUCH like a powerpoint slide) add too many seconds to the game and you cannot even speed up parts you have already read. It is really bad for a visual novel to not have that mechanic.
-I really do not like the narration. I think its preference, but also I really disliked the narrator raising his pitch so much for a woman character, and lowering it for other male ones. It just sounded so goofy. I turned off the voice narration immediately. Even without the narration of other characters, I just found it quicker and better to read it myself.
-There is no main ending. Completing this game felt so abrupt and, once again, you do not see or learn anything substantial about any plot. Yeah, that means the title of the game is accurate in a sense, but it doesn't erase the fact that this felt not worth playing.
-Visually speaking, this game is well made but nothing interesting about the design. Most of the backgrounds are honestly very dark to see.


I played this game the first day for 20 minutes and thought to myself, "Hey, you did not fully play through the game and also you do not know half of Chapter 3. Why don't you finish it?" The game even convinced me to continue as it essentially says at the beginning "Hey, you are far from the truth, and even though this game seems like its just chaos-- you will uncover more by playing." I think I gave it a fair shot completing all of it, and I really appreciate this game as a written art piece, but I did not enjoy it.