Super Mario Land ain't no ordinary Mario game. It's a wacky what-if scenario where Mario's girlfriend is a brunette and the land is crawling with demented sphinxes, meatball throwing moais run amuck from Gradius and a last stage that takes place in some Chinese-esque locale complete with mildly-racist chopsticks music.

The jumping is probably slightly fucked, but I wouldn't know because I played this game so many times that the "Battletoads-Double Dragon" effect is probably kicking in where I can't actually tell what the shitty things are. Well, besides the dumbass bouncy ball that Mario gets in this game, that thing sucks. I really like how when you kill the bigger enemies they get knocked motionless, and their corpses make a buzz sound and leap into the bottom of the screen, probably going straight to hell I'd assume. I wish it was like that in real life. The shmup stages fuckin' rule, they're the highlight of the game even if it's baby's basic bitch patterns, I seriously don't care. It's fun.

By the way, they're called "Goombos" and "Bullet Biffs", totally different. smh, not knowing lore of Mario Land on Game Boy. tsk tsk. You're allowed to mildly dislike the game due to physics and it's short length, but if you slander the music you're inviting a bonk on the head. No exceptions.

Anxiously awaiting the day crazy running moai guy makes it into Mario Kart.