man if i were to rattle off the shit here that doesn't work you'd think I was gonna hit it with a score so far below sea level it'd resemble a skellige treasure chest

almost the entire mechanical backbone here's a write off: dozy combat that even death march can't wake up, detective bits that require ketchup and mustard vision, randomized loot, level scaled gear, and bogus character progression being but a sample of the bungled and fucked nature of the core experience. save for gwent — which I love with all my heart — there isn't a lot on this end that holds up to scrutiny

if TW1 was about being a witcher and TW2 was about not being a witcher, TW3 positions itself back toward a foggy approximation of the role — broader and less angular, more devoted to a holistic approach than the fine details of witching. rather than have you inhabit geralt through stances, investigations, research, and alchemical prepwork, it hopes its breadth can elevate it; that what's been lost can be made up for with its massive world and shift in storytelling

and it works? not so much with the main quest about supergirl and the dark eldar wild hunt (which is fuckin gunk), but just about everywhere else. turns out you can abstract the entire verbset into soft serve and still end up with a decent game if you got the writing, world building, and quest design to make up for it. the most ancient trick in the rpg book appears to be alive and well

but before that we gotta talk about the real shit: monsters

I love monsters like persona fans love the status quo. I love monsters like nerds love looking like this when they see 2B. ogres, trolls, centipede demons, sirens, kappas, demon walls, materia keepers, the doctors from dead ringers, street sharks, whatever man

I love monsters like jet fuel loves steel beams. I love draculas and werewolves and wanyudos and carly beth's haunted mask and that fucker from the end of onimusha warlords. I love lucy clifford's new mother and the thing and worms that walk and gelatinous cubes and black dogs and a cyclops. TW3 is the most monster ass monster game since TW1 and that's what it's all about. fakers and charlatans will tell you monster hunter takes the prize, but that's a game about killing animals buddy

if you thought I was actually gonna come back and ramble on about the writing and shit like some seventeen hour youtube video, think twice. you all know what the score is and know where you stand by now; you don't need me to tell you man is the monster, the art direction rules, and the attention to detail second to none. if it didn't take me five years to finish TW2 maybe I'd have some real juicy points to make but I know full well the level of discourse surrounding the game and choose to avail myself

I love monsters, I love gwent, I love the way the sidequests squirm and wriggle despite the staid limits of the systems and mechanics that house them. I love the gorgeous outfits and fabrics and the lush colour palette and the bestiary and geralt's bone dry quips and how they managed to make a game so frequently fuckin funny. I love everyone's jacked up teeth

first and last time I'll ever get ubipilled, savour it