boy was that a ride

not gonna lie, i shelved this when i read it the first time and didn’t touch it until a full year later. back then, i was starting madarame’s route and immediately felt a visceral darkness through their relationship. although the ui, style, visuals, gameplay and soundtrack were stunning, i remember being half underwhelmed half overstimulated for my general time with the game and feeling quite conflicted about the messages it was portraying, a lot of it seeming heavily apathetic towards self-destructive behaviours which i understand is a part of towa’s character— however this genre tends to overindulge this sort of content for fetishistic purposes so of course i had criticisms with that.

eventually i stumbled on some comments and reviews about the game, those of which made me hopeful for the conclusion so i decided to give it another shot.

and damn, it was worth it because holy crap the last route/chapter. absolutely lore heavy mystery that just makes you feel and understand why towa is the way he is, and how fucked up things really are. i felt like i couldn’t stop reading, it was that captivating. and i think it was very much due to the structure of the routes, how you slowly uncover bits and pieces until they all come together and suddenly you’re standing in front of the cold, hard truth— much like what towa experiences with his heavily repressed memories.

the main thing i appreciated is just how deeply we are able to dive into towa’s unfettered, raw and messy psychological state. seeing him being vulnerable and fearful struck me hard, considering we know him prior to this as primarily unfeeling and fearless. like towa, we are conditioned with pain and apathy— until everything shifts with a splash of water to your face. and boy it’s truly terrifying living through towa’s jumbled memory stained in blood red (don’t read at 5am) like literally, sometimes things got so drastic that i felt sick; it’s hard and frightening to go through certain memories and the sound effects and visual decision amplified this.

truly a great job at putting towa and the reader on the same page— and even more so at utilizing its medium through specific visual and audio cues to foreshadow or portray certain emotions, which i was very happy with. games don’t actually use their medium to the fullest often (unfortunately)!! the screen flickering slightly whenever a certain word shows up, not enough to garner a big reaction but enough to take note of?? that’s just peak subtle storytelling

and the finale wow… (vague spoilers)
it was just gut wrenching seeing everything come together; how towa, who values self autonomy over anything else had played right into the palm of his source of ruin, his struggle against that cycle, and ultimately how he chose to weaponize ‘euphoria’ in order to reclaim his own identity. i’m a sucker for themes of self-identity and the like, so this really resonated with me so much so that i nearly refused to acquire the last madness ending; i did not wish to entertain a future were towa submitted himself to being a puppet.

the true ending is genuinely one of the most satisfying, full-circle conclusions to a story i have read. towa, caught between the thin line of despair and consciousness, breaks free from his chains and seizes action in a scene perfectly mirroring his own past. except, for the first time, he is in control of his own future. don’t get me started on the epilogue … you know it’s serious when a media makes you think life is beautiful and worth living

honestly, til this point i didn’t have much of a preference to a love interest, rather, i saw them befitting of strictly platonic roles of a caregiver/parental figure (taku) and close friend (rei) (forget madarame, his role is to jump off a cliff). but fujieda my pookie wookie though i hate they included that One scene at the park Let me just stop talking abt noncon blvn tropes before i go crazy right off the bat, he embodies the antithesis to towa— whereas towa lives off of risk, fujieda is practiced and stable. whereas towa has lost all sense of ethics and kindness towards himself, fujieda reintroduces moralism and respect. two sides of the same coin, each with their own eerily similar past. in light of towa and fujieda, their dynamic truly shines with how they are deeply interconnected narrative wise. these parallels just make their relationship that much more fascinating to me, even if they may be polar opposites personality wise.

i think it was genius storytelling to place him right after madarame, who forcefully dragged towa along with the reader down to a state of stagnant madness. here, you can closely observe the stark contrast between what is quite literally— spiralling vs. healing. yes, contrary to how people love to portray towa and slow damage, the true narrative is discovered only through a painful but cathartic healing process focused on two tortured souls starting life anew.

so without spoiling too many details, that’s my take on the vn. it isn’t perfect; in fact there are quite a few unnecessary tropes i would completely remove given the chance. but, there’s something about this story, the trajectory of towa’s life and his journey to relearn how to live that’s so heartwarming and profound to me. by the end you WILL be an emotional mess (unless you for some reason hate to see self-recovery and healing)

TLDR towa you will always be famous