God, is this the worst one of the first four DLCs? In some regards, maybe, but Five's is the trashiest and Three's is the most embarassing. Two's is just eye-rolling, even if it made me wonder about a better timeline.

Like all of these DLCs, these are excuses for trying out a new weapon that Zero can use in the base game once you complete the DLC's story. Unlike the other DLCs, Two's follows a self-contained plot that connects the four levels that actually answers a "mystery" from the base game: When Zero meets Two, why is Two a non-verbal shell of a person?

The answer is incredibly dumb in a way that gets worse the more I think about it.

Because this game and these DLC's aren't real stories. These aren't real characters. They're charades. Pretenses. The base game makes fun of the self-serious tropes it peddles. Five's DLC makes fun of its own trashy horniness. The writing is fully in service of getting to whatever type of fun the creator has in mind as fast as possible as shallowly as possible.

So, this DLC elects for psychological horror in the most trite, naked, embarrasing way I could imagine. and like, why tho.

Because it's not funny! It's not making fun of anything! There are no characters winking at the camera! Everything is just played straight, with these card-board character cut-outs that were meant to be garnish for Zero's storyline. They killed monsters and looked after orphans and were happy and in love. But then a mishap happens and they lose everything, leaving Two a husk.

I have to remind myself that the plot doesn't matter in this game because otherwise I would start nit-picking about how the mechanics of how they lose everything raise a billion unanswerable questions of how anything magic works in this universe. There are no rules, only repetition for ritual for gameplay purposes dressed up as rules. As soon as the developers want something else to happen, it's just magic again and it can do anything. Pah.

I'm just baffled at the range of weird badness in this DLC set. Why are some anime beach episode filler bullshit and others trying to be serious drama character studies? This is almost as jarring as Rosalina's storybook backstory in Super Mario Galaxy. Not what we're here for, sorry!

[reviewing this after finishing branch C but also before reviewing the entirety of drakengard 3 but I will post this after finishing all the reviews damn this is a stupid remark]

two in my opinion in the main game is possibly the most obviously psychotic one like she looks and her soul feels absolutely manic like she is unbearable you can see that she's tormented from head to toe

and this DLC is about that omg yayyyyyy

two is someone I didnt have strong feelings about because mainly I completely forgot about her because idk . she may just be underused or maybe I just don't care about her both can be the explanation for this

now cent

cent is the most annoying character in this game its absolutely insane how annoying he can be during the main campaign I swear to fucking god

he is a cute guy sure and possibly the best looking guy of the bunch but I swear what he says and how he says it is unbearable to the fucking bone I can't stand this guy I wouldn't touch him even if he were the last standing man in this entire planet

now actually when you play this DLC and you see that he acts normally and caringly towards two is nice to see

I dont enjoy couples I hate these two like why would you push your love in my face who gave you the right to do that

two and cent relationship apart from the disgusting affection they show each other every 3 seconds is probably the most real couple in this game they're all so fucking superficial and such and thats probably why this deeper human affection takes the cake and stirs the hate of everyone in this cast since they only care about sex and not about love (I am also part of the cast)

unfortunately tho this little interlude actually made me realise that two might actually be the one sister who cares the most about human beings around here and she built an orphanage too ? she's cute you guys im do sorry she got mind broken

so what happens is that you can see her slow decline into madness because of what happens due to cent stupidly charging the entire capital of intoners power

now cent is fucking stupid but I genuinely like the fact that he did that to make the soldiers more capable to protect two because he actually cares about her idk guys I actually like this couple delete everything I said about PDA being cringe

so thats about it and the final boss is absolutely painful to do like hearing two scream again and again is so damaging to my psyche

now playing as her is super nice (she's a swordswoman that's why I like her) and the levels are interesting enough to keep me hooked so that's fine another great DLC in this fucked up game

fuck you cent I hope you die some more times

the absence of gabriella is painful tho

and her little portrait is cute