In every single waking hour of the days that make up the gregorian calendar, I think to myself about how much I absolutely detest the woefully pathetic image of your existence.

If every atom within every universe inside every multiverse on the planes of reality within every timeline were accounted for, their paltry numbers wouldn't be enough to fill a single angstrom of the colossal monument that is my hatred for the knowledge that your presence is within any of my six senses. A single syllable of your title brings about a swift malevolent annihilation of which the likes no one has ever seen or heard of before in reality or in legend.

For you, mild resentment.

Jesus Fucking Christ that was so bad I fucking hate my life. The cacophony of sound was unbearable this time, specially since it's x2 times the lenght of the original, and now the game also screams and shouts and laughs at you with honest to god one of the worst voice acting I have ever heard on my life. Thottie Banban could get it tho.
I had to restart multiple times because of the sheer wailling on my headphones preventing me from learning how to play and it actually crashed once when I was doing a puzzle. Feels profoundly more caucasian than the previous game, somehow.

A small sample of what I had to go through

they got me again im back on the banban shipwreck

as much as i hated the first game i cannot lie and say that i wasnt particularly interested in what fucking garbage they were gonna release after that groundbreaking debut and unbelievably enough its still fucking bad who wouldve thought

the dumb environmental puzzles are back the absolutely jaw droppingly bad art direction is back the environment are as sterile as ever the stupid and tensionless chasing sequences are back basically everything good is back hahahahaha i want to kms

that being said this is longer than the first game and maybe even more hollow incredibly enough it features some of the worst voice acting ive ever heard and in general i hate english voice acting so imagine making it absolutely disgustingly one note and emotionless the voice actors feel like they were forced in this project and they want nothing to do with this and im pretty sure thats what happened like imagine wanting your name in this games credit i would honestly sue

the classroom segment is supposed to be funny but it didnt even made me chuckle for how stupid this kind of humor can be even for me that i laugh at the monkey saying stinky poopy 100 times like my entire humor is broken and you couldnt even make me smile a single time gworl youre doing something wrong

i have no idea if this is supposed to be genuine effort or an absolute troll work but im pretty sure everyone can agree that this is devoid of any positives the puzzles even became worse than the first game and the scares are as cheap as they can get and the climactic final chase is honestly so fucking funny for how bad it is literally if you put a mindless jumpscare youre gonna get a cult following because people apparently get scared easily as shit and they couldnt even take this element from FNAF like this is textbook horror cashgrab elements and you failed

so whatever this is the last one every single part of me lost any curiosity to explore how bad this series can get and the next lore analysis on how actually banban is a capitalistic depiction of a head of state in a neo f4scist ruled dystopian world im gonna cut my internet subscription forever and go live in a bungalow in the arashiyama sagano bamboo forest forever dont talk to me

plus its still optimised like shit get a programming degree or something

Garten of Banban II is a profound game that delves into the very essence of human existence. It offers a metaphysical exploration of what it means not just to be alive but to truly live. The game's underlying lore draws inspiration from the Hegelian dialectic, and its perspective on existentialist morality is exceptional. The game is truly une magnifique œuvre d'art, excelling in gameplay, storytelling, and theme. It is a remarkable piece of media that I would rank among my top six of all time, with its soundtrack even surpassing Ludwig van Beethoven’s Symphony No. 5 in C minor, Op. 67.

The storyline is captivating, and players will find themselves fully invested in uncovering the secrets of the underground facility, with a vibrant colorful cast and a 13 hour long sex scene. The gameplay is challenging yet rewarding, and the game's mechanics are intuitive, making it easy for players to immerse themselves in the game's world.

The graphics are stunning and add to the game's eerie atmosphere, with the sound effects and background music adding to the game's tension. The level of detail is impressive, from the textures of the environment to the animations of the enemies.

The game's main protagonist is a standout, easily earning a spot in my top 3 favorite games of all time, while the main antagonist deserves a spot in my top 5. The story is also impressive, earning my top four ranking, and the gameplay is a close second with my top two ranking. The game's excellence in all these aspects is a testament to its remarkable quality.

Overall, Garten of Banban II is an astounding work that offers a unique and profound perspective on the human experience. Its outstanding storytelling, gameplay, and theme make it a true masterpiece of the genre. It is a game that has left a lasting impact on me and will undoubtedly continue to do so for years to come. The game's captivating storyline, challenging gameplay, and stunning graphics make it a must-play for fans of the genre. If you're looking for a game that will keep you on the edge of your seat, then look no further than Garten of Banban II. My mind is MELTING to see what kind of fantastic designs will be spewed out of the Euphoric Brothers’ in the future for Garten of BanBan III, and I will be sacrificing my first born child in the name of Jumbo Josh & buying several pieces of BanBan merch.

No matter if this series is ironic or sincere, you need to have a specific kind of fucked-up-ness (like the "Euphoric Brothers") to develop, publish, charge 5 bucks for the bare minimum viable "product" of a mascot horror game where neither the mascots nor the settings don't make sense at all in the grand scheme of things (It's a Kindergarten, but the architect really must have loved them sterile SCP-ass laboratories) and where every facet of the game is a rush job, like the models. A brain blender of a game, uninspired and braindead. Bizarre, only for the MatPats of the world to grossly consume it's bare intestines for other content.

TL;DR
When the Josh be Jumboin, numba 2

Only reason I bought this was for streaming purposes. I still beat it quick enough to qualify for a refund tho so I'd say it's worth it. Normally I would feel bad about doing something like that even for a weaker game but the sheer greed behind this game's developers kind of make it hard to justify letting them have my money. They straight up target the lowest common denominator which are the kids that will spend their parents' money on games like this so they can make bank and put in as little effort as possible. The game itself is just as shitty as the first "game," though this should be more accurately called the first Garten if Ban Ban game whereas the first free game was just the demo. 2 is way longer but suffers the exact same issues on top of there being more padding. Did you need to even read this though? Everyone knows this game is dogshit and that this "horror for children" subgenre is nothing but a breeding ground for devs with ill intention. At least this shit is so bad it's hilarious.

The original GoB is a 1-star game because it's so bad it starts to become good. An unintended hilarity found within the most desperate of grabs. This sequel, however, is a 1-star game because it just straight-up sucks.

Garten of Banban 2 expands upon the universe of its predecessor, which is precisely the problem. The impression I got from the first game (as much as I didn't want one, and didn't want another, but my girlfriend is a mischievous fiend) was more of a quick addition to the developers' pile of attempts at attention, like the various musings of Dingo Pictures. This time around, they take themselves seriously, trying to capitalize on the interest that'd been garnered. The consequences of this are immediate: no longer is there a bass drop when you put an egg in Opila's mouth. No longer is there an unpredictable Jumbo Joshing. No longer is there anything terrifying outside of what the developers intended, aside perhaps the incredibly loud sound of six lights turning on at once.

There's something to be said about the element of soul in wonderfully terrible works. The Room, Angelic 2 The Core, Philosophy Of The World. The sheer confidence that all of these people had is what makes all of them genuinely enjoyable (presumably, I haven't listened to the latter two in full yet.) Within games, I would love to point to Fallalypse Death or Cress, an unholy yet enlightening experience, but the only motivator there was a quick buck. Yet, I'm deeply fond of that game because of how absolutely gut-wrenchingly bad it is, and I have played more shovelware than the grand majority of people. It stands out. The original Garten of Banban doesn't quite compare, but it certainly fits the bill.

This, however, is just cheap shit. The second you start becoming self-aware about your reputation is the second you lose what little charm you had. Nabnab is pathetic. The story isn't worth caring about. Banban's voice acting isn't funny beyond his first appearance. The attempt at a proper ending sucks so bad that I forgot it after going to eat dinner. The Cannon Game is fun, but it's clearly just padding to get playtime over two hours, which this game also fails at. Banbaleena can go to hell. Opila loses his AI from the first game, which made him, admittedly scary, and instead makes a beeline for you, which can go to hell. So much about this is indistinguishable from the wafts and wafts of sewage that line Steam, that would have never caught the attention of anyone had this been the first, because the Euphoric Brothers are just lucky people that haven't yet found their creative expression

The snail is funny, at least.

When I played the first Garten of Banban, I likened it to the kind of experimental project one makes when figuring out how to implement some ideas to clean up later. The kind of thing you wouldn't even call an alpha, more like a rough draft, a sketch. For some reason, be it naive optimism or just a general belief in others, I thought maybe, just maybe, this sequel would be at least somewhat of an improvement. I mean, surely they would have at least fixed the fact that pausing the game doesn't pause the game, right? Especially now that they're charging money to play it, right?

Right?

Garten of Banban 2 runs about as well as, if not worse than, its predecessor. Not a single improvement over the first game's mechanics, aside from the fact that you can now color and add hats to your drone. I wouldn't doubt it for a second if it were discovered that all the code and assets from Banban 1 are here, completely unchanged. They didn't even fix the pausing.

But what is different? What sets this new, premium title apart from its free-to-play older sibling? The quality of the game may be unchanged, sure, but they didn't skimp on quantity. Several unskippable cutscenes? They got em. Gameplay sections designed specifically to waste your time? They got em! I'd comment on the devs voice acting, but I've also done unprofessional VA for a game I worked on in the past, so, glass houses and all that (granted, it was for a game jam and released for free). In fact, I'll go so far as to say the voices are charmingly campy, I enjoyed them.

Unlike the mercifully short length of the first game, this one is a bit of a trek. Thankfully, my dear friend and mentally ill cohort also joined me for this game, so I at least wasn't suffering alone.

In fact, beyond moral support, they also saved my ass during a couple sections, because believe it or not an overly long and tight platforming section with zero checkpoints is incredibly difficult to get through when your framerate is in the single digits. Perhaps you may be thinking, "PJ, you can't blame the game for being unplayable when your hardware is outdated!", and I'd concede if this game didn't look worse than something I should be able to run on my GPUless family computer from a decade ago, but I digress.

There's so much more I wanna complain about, like the absolutely tiny hitbox for everything you need to interact with, the fact that some of the graphics settings made my monitor crash, which I didn't even know was POSSIBLE, or the STUPID BULLSHIT GODDAMN FUCKING BABY BIRD SECTION, but I've spent long enough writing this as it is. You get the point. This game is bad. It's very bad.

Won't stop me from playing Banban 3 though.