Ayansh
8 reviews liked by Ayansh
I did not expect to be such a massive fan of this. Well, I did before I started it, but the actual visual novel surely dampened my excitement as I just had a string of alternating 8.5 and 9/10 episodes until episode 7, which most strong fans rate higher than me. And then, episode 8 happened. Unparalleled heights and one of the best stretches ever from chapter 14 onwards to the end. The final chapter resonated with me like nothing else ever could hope to, so much of what defined me was encapsulated there in that little segment. Everything was crafted so well to near-perfection as a story that is not only a mystery, but a piece about mysteries, about love, about empathy and about stories itself.
This is kind of my reason for living
Been well over a year at this point since I read, countless of times have I thought about it.
I still feel the same way I did which is insane to me because my appreciation only grows with seeing how ryukishi got inspired by certain series, how he even started out thanks to higurashi and a whole heep of other information I start to learn about him.
Yeah, he's my favourite writer and even though it's been memed to death at this point I'm glad I got experiance when they cry because I can't lie when I say I wouldn't be who I am today without this franchise. In fact I wouldn't even be here today if it wasn't for umineko, so thanks ryukishi and also thanks to the people I met due to this weird visual novel. Forever grateful
I still feel the same way I did which is insane to me because my appreciation only grows with seeing how ryukishi got inspired by certain series, how he even started out thanks to higurashi and a whole heep of other information I start to learn about him.
Yeah, he's my favourite writer and even though it's been memed to death at this point I'm glad I got experiance when they cry because I can't lie when I say I wouldn't be who I am today without this franchise. In fact I wouldn't even be here today if it wasn't for umineko, so thanks ryukishi and also thanks to the people I met due to this weird visual novel. Forever grateful
Final Fantasy VII
1997
within a span of two months, from september to november of 2019, i lost an old friend and former lover to bone cancer at 23 years old, and my father revealed to me that he’d been diagnosed with stage 2 lung cancer. this would indicate a nearly three year journey to where i am now - a sequence of events which tested the limits of my perseverance, willpower, camaraderie, self-love, and actualization of community. my life underwent severe changes throughout this period; essentially revising my entire outlook on my relationships to patching up and mending my relationship with my dad which had resulted in some pretty catastrophic gaps gashed out pretty equally on both sides. some outside events completely reformed how i lived, the safety and love i had to provide myself for my own wellbeing, and fostering a lot of growth and evolution out of a patch where what i’d known and what i held onto were slipping through my fingers.
during this time, my father set an example of how he would choose to live. he combatted cancer and heartbreak with rudiment, structure, dedication and iron will. i watched him break on more than a few occasions. but it was through his search for that light where he found his own branch of buddhism, practice of meditation, and a new outlook on his life. he began to teach me the lessons he’d taken away - both of us being that type of person with loud, constantly-spewing minds. he instilled and internalized the idea that meditation and serenity are not about clearing the mind of thought, but finding a means to acknowledge the thought and move on from it. it was only along the lines of that practice that we both began to unbox our trauma - both conjoined and individual. it was only then when we could cultivate growth, hope, and those first rays of light.
i had no access to therapy or professional help at the time. i was between jobs when i wasn't crammed into ones that abused and berated me and my time. my greatest resources for self-love, as they are now, were my loved ones and my then-cracked-yet-unbroken devotion to art. traumatic attachments kept me apart from those things i loved most, but in the process of recovering from a sequence in time in which i felt like i’d lost myself, figured it took recessing back to those works which had so clearly defined attics of my life to that point to regain shards of who i’d been, and define who i would choose to be moving forward. over the next year, i would play final fantasy vii six times to completion, twice with friends, four times on my own. the hanging threads of grief, trauma, self-actualization v. dissociation, lack of direction - these things culminated in a story which more and more i felt whispered answers directly to me, for my consumption alone. it’s in those moments where a bond is made between art and audience where the attachment becomes not just inseparable, but near essential.
final fantasy vii doesn’t hand you answers for the questions you come to it with. there isn’t a resolution to the trauma, there isn’t a solution to the pain or the grief. it is an embrace, and a hold of the hand, and a gentle call; “here is how you live with yourself. here is how you learn to be alive again.” the sociopolitical conflicts, the internal struggles, the budding seeds of affection and fraternity don’t reach a natural apex - they hum in anticipation of a deciding factor which never comes. perpetually trapped within the question, but offering you the means to provide your own answer in life. the final shot of the game isn’t a conclusion meant to be expanded upon. it’s simply a closing of the cover, the final page turned before the index of note paper before being passed to you with the command - “apply yourself. turn this into something that matters.” so i chose to.
and i found myself in midgar again, with new friends and a new outlook.
you come back to the slums of wall market and sector 7 with a new worldview and appreciation each time. there’s a different purpose, when your relationship with this game is as intimate as mine, for coming back here. i know the smog, the street life, the feeling of inescapable, walled-in urban destitution well. you grow up in any city poor enough and you get to know midgar intimately. it’s a familiar setting with a familiar social agency. the seventh heaven crew, they’re all faces i’ve known, fires in bellies i once shared, and now understand in a different light. they’re old friends i knew in my activism years as a teenager, they’re people i looked up to and lost through the years. i’ve lost a lot of people and a lot of faith over time. it might seem like a quick moment to many but the sector 7 tower fight reminds me of people and things that exist only in memories now.
the moment the world opens up and the main theme plays, while unscripted, is one of the most powerful in the game to me. i retain that this title track might be my favorite piece of video game music and such a perfect encapsulation of the game’s philosophy and emotional core. stinging synth strings meet acoustic woodwind and orchestral drones. playful countermelodies give way to massive, bombastic chords in a rocking interplay that rarely fails to inspire, intrigue and invoke. uematsu-sensei, unquestionably at the apex of his mastery here, provides his most timeless score. i think about, am inspired by, and draw from his work here intensely. the artistry pours out from every nook of final fantasy vii - the models, the cutscenes, the background renders, the gameplay systems, the story, the use of diegetic sound, the pacing, the designs - everything came together in a way that somehow evokes equal feelings of nostalgia, futurism, dread, fear, warmth, love, hope, and utter timelessness. streaming and voice-acting this entire game with my close friends was one of the best experiences of my year. hitting each turn with a decently blind audience provided both knowing and loving perspective and the unmitigated rush of first experience - in tandem, a passing of the torch, an unspeakable gift of an unbroken chain shared between loved ones. if final fantasy vii saved my life once before, this was the run which restored its meaning and direction.
i’ve been cloud, i’ve been tifa, i’ve been barret, i’ve been nanaki. i’ve been zack, i’ve been aerith. there are lives lived in the confines of final fantasy vii which i hold as pieces of my own, countless repetitions of those stories with those resolutions my own to meet, different each time. there was something magic about the ability to, a year after that painful strike of all of that anguish, that death, that loss, that fear, sit on the end screen as the series’ endless “prelude” played amongst 32-bit starfields and openly sob for a half hour surrounded by the voices and words of my loved ones. that was the day i learned to live again. it’s more than a game when you know it this intimately. it’s more than an experience when you share these scars. it’s more than art when you hold onto so dearly. there isn’t a classifier for what final fantasy vii means to me other than, “a lot”. sometimes, less is more. i don’t have a conclusion beyond that for you. the experience recalls everyone and everything i've ever loved and lost, and all that i've come to gain and hold dear. goodbye to some, hello to all the rest. true, reading this, it may have been a waste of your time, but i’m glad i was able to share this with someone. i hope this reaches at least one of you on a level you needed today, or maybe it invokes something in you about something you love so dearly. i’m here to tell you - this is how i learned to live again. if you need someone to tell you, today, that you can too, here it is. you aren’t alone. go find those answers for yourself.
please don't step on the flowers on your way.
during this time, my father set an example of how he would choose to live. he combatted cancer and heartbreak with rudiment, structure, dedication and iron will. i watched him break on more than a few occasions. but it was through his search for that light where he found his own branch of buddhism, practice of meditation, and a new outlook on his life. he began to teach me the lessons he’d taken away - both of us being that type of person with loud, constantly-spewing minds. he instilled and internalized the idea that meditation and serenity are not about clearing the mind of thought, but finding a means to acknowledge the thought and move on from it. it was only along the lines of that practice that we both began to unbox our trauma - both conjoined and individual. it was only then when we could cultivate growth, hope, and those first rays of light.
i had no access to therapy or professional help at the time. i was between jobs when i wasn't crammed into ones that abused and berated me and my time. my greatest resources for self-love, as they are now, were my loved ones and my then-cracked-yet-unbroken devotion to art. traumatic attachments kept me apart from those things i loved most, but in the process of recovering from a sequence in time in which i felt like i’d lost myself, figured it took recessing back to those works which had so clearly defined attics of my life to that point to regain shards of who i’d been, and define who i would choose to be moving forward. over the next year, i would play final fantasy vii six times to completion, twice with friends, four times on my own. the hanging threads of grief, trauma, self-actualization v. dissociation, lack of direction - these things culminated in a story which more and more i felt whispered answers directly to me, for my consumption alone. it’s in those moments where a bond is made between art and audience where the attachment becomes not just inseparable, but near essential.
final fantasy vii doesn’t hand you answers for the questions you come to it with. there isn’t a resolution to the trauma, there isn’t a solution to the pain or the grief. it is an embrace, and a hold of the hand, and a gentle call; “here is how you live with yourself. here is how you learn to be alive again.” the sociopolitical conflicts, the internal struggles, the budding seeds of affection and fraternity don’t reach a natural apex - they hum in anticipation of a deciding factor which never comes. perpetually trapped within the question, but offering you the means to provide your own answer in life. the final shot of the game isn’t a conclusion meant to be expanded upon. it’s simply a closing of the cover, the final page turned before the index of note paper before being passed to you with the command - “apply yourself. turn this into something that matters.” so i chose to.
and i found myself in midgar again, with new friends and a new outlook.
you come back to the slums of wall market and sector 7 with a new worldview and appreciation each time. there’s a different purpose, when your relationship with this game is as intimate as mine, for coming back here. i know the smog, the street life, the feeling of inescapable, walled-in urban destitution well. you grow up in any city poor enough and you get to know midgar intimately. it’s a familiar setting with a familiar social agency. the seventh heaven crew, they’re all faces i’ve known, fires in bellies i once shared, and now understand in a different light. they’re old friends i knew in my activism years as a teenager, they’re people i looked up to and lost through the years. i’ve lost a lot of people and a lot of faith over time. it might seem like a quick moment to many but the sector 7 tower fight reminds me of people and things that exist only in memories now.
the moment the world opens up and the main theme plays, while unscripted, is one of the most powerful in the game to me. i retain that this title track might be my favorite piece of video game music and such a perfect encapsulation of the game’s philosophy and emotional core. stinging synth strings meet acoustic woodwind and orchestral drones. playful countermelodies give way to massive, bombastic chords in a rocking interplay that rarely fails to inspire, intrigue and invoke. uematsu-sensei, unquestionably at the apex of his mastery here, provides his most timeless score. i think about, am inspired by, and draw from his work here intensely. the artistry pours out from every nook of final fantasy vii - the models, the cutscenes, the background renders, the gameplay systems, the story, the use of diegetic sound, the pacing, the designs - everything came together in a way that somehow evokes equal feelings of nostalgia, futurism, dread, fear, warmth, love, hope, and utter timelessness. streaming and voice-acting this entire game with my close friends was one of the best experiences of my year. hitting each turn with a decently blind audience provided both knowing and loving perspective and the unmitigated rush of first experience - in tandem, a passing of the torch, an unspeakable gift of an unbroken chain shared between loved ones. if final fantasy vii saved my life once before, this was the run which restored its meaning and direction.
i’ve been cloud, i’ve been tifa, i’ve been barret, i’ve been nanaki. i’ve been zack, i’ve been aerith. there are lives lived in the confines of final fantasy vii which i hold as pieces of my own, countless repetitions of those stories with those resolutions my own to meet, different each time. there was something magic about the ability to, a year after that painful strike of all of that anguish, that death, that loss, that fear, sit on the end screen as the series’ endless “prelude” played amongst 32-bit starfields and openly sob for a half hour surrounded by the voices and words of my loved ones. that was the day i learned to live again. it’s more than a game when you know it this intimately. it’s more than an experience when you share these scars. it’s more than art when you hold onto so dearly. there isn’t a classifier for what final fantasy vii means to me other than, “a lot”. sometimes, less is more. i don’t have a conclusion beyond that for you. the experience recalls everyone and everything i've ever loved and lost, and all that i've come to gain and hold dear. goodbye to some, hello to all the rest. true, reading this, it may have been a waste of your time, but i’m glad i was able to share this with someone. i hope this reaches at least one of you on a level you needed today, or maybe it invokes something in you about something you love so dearly. i’m here to tell you - this is how i learned to live again. if you need someone to tell you, today, that you can too, here it is. you aren’t alone. go find those answers for yourself.
please don't step on the flowers on your way.
Rusalka 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Bloodborne
2015
Bloodborne is a game I originally thought I wouldn't get to anytime from now and kept quiet about it once I got to play it myself after finishing Elden Ring.
What was the catalyst to finally try play and finish BB outside of having an excuse due to me being sick this past week helped kill off time.
My first playthrough was a tough one at the start due to the switch of gameplay style which BB felt a lot more unique from, which became possibly a breath of fresh air. The faster pace helped significantly with it never getting stale, this also helps with the weapons also. Whoever came up with the idea of trick weapons singlehandedly created one of the most coolest and fun ways to play in any FS title I tried. It felt addicting as hell and this only got even better with the guns.
I never, ever use shields always preferring another weapon because I suck with parrying but BB makes that so much more fun with guns and made me actively try risky parries.
What got me most interested in though was the level design this time around, which I might add is incredible. Central Yharnam is possibly my favourite opening area to a game, only makes it better given the disturbing situation it fallen to. Sets the mood perfectly while also having the best first boss I've seen with Father gascoigne. Cleric Beast is cool too as the tutorial optional boss.
Overtime other areas like, Yahar'gul, Catherdral Ward, The Hunters Dream, Cainhurst Castle showcase what FS is good at. This only gets enforced with Legacy Dungeons in Elden Ring.
Last things, though the game is much shorter it might be, this might be the one I want to replay the most already on NG+. Even though, I feel as if the boss roster isn't as strong as elden ring, theres still a handful of memorable and amazing boss battles, especially the last 2. (for the base game, dlc is a whole other story as it has my favourite FS boss battle so far.) Chalice Dungeons are just ok and I rarely bothered with them on my first run and my dumbass did not do much NPC stuff this time around cause I was clueless but I feel as though I'm missing out on that aspect, I'll be revisiting them on NG+ though.
Lore seems facinating as well but this time around BB take a different approach with storytelling, which seem much more cryptic than I assumed, some stuff I've read up seems amazing and genuinely feel as though this game could have my favourite once I start taking my time and piecing it together more.
So yeah, 👍
What was the catalyst to finally try play and finish BB outside of having an excuse due to me being sick this past week helped kill off time.
My first playthrough was a tough one at the start due to the switch of gameplay style which BB felt a lot more unique from, which became possibly a breath of fresh air. The faster pace helped significantly with it never getting stale, this also helps with the weapons also. Whoever came up with the idea of trick weapons singlehandedly created one of the most coolest and fun ways to play in any FS title I tried. It felt addicting as hell and this only got even better with the guns.
I never, ever use shields always preferring another weapon because I suck with parrying but BB makes that so much more fun with guns and made me actively try risky parries.
What got me most interested in though was the level design this time around, which I might add is incredible. Central Yharnam is possibly my favourite opening area to a game, only makes it better given the disturbing situation it fallen to. Sets the mood perfectly while also having the best first boss I've seen with Father gascoigne. Cleric Beast is cool too as the tutorial optional boss.
Overtime other areas like, Yahar'gul, Catherdral Ward, The Hunters Dream, Cainhurst Castle showcase what FS is good at. This only gets enforced with Legacy Dungeons in Elden Ring.
Last things, though the game is much shorter it might be, this might be the one I want to replay the most already on NG+. Even though, I feel as if the boss roster isn't as strong as elden ring, theres still a handful of memorable and amazing boss battles, especially the last 2. (for the base game, dlc is a whole other story as it has my favourite FS boss battle so far.) Chalice Dungeons are just ok and I rarely bothered with them on my first run and my dumbass did not do much NPC stuff this time around cause I was clueless but I feel as though I'm missing out on that aspect, I'll be revisiting them on NG+ though.
Lore seems facinating as well but this time around BB take a different approach with storytelling, which seem much more cryptic than I assumed, some stuff I've read up seems amazing and genuinely feel as though this game could have my favourite once I start taking my time and piecing it together more.
So yeah, 👍
To say this is real fiction would almost be insulting. Reality pales in comparison to the insanity Takashi Masada conjured and put to paper. What a ride.
I am Zarathustra, over comer of my fate