Has anyone who worked on this game ever actually walked on wooden floors before?? Every time these hulking masses of man meat entered a busted-up domestic structure, the foley of their boots stomping on hardwood completely dominated our entire living room as if it was a "bass boosted" YTP from days gone by. Floors don't sound like war drums, guys!

Anyhow uhhhhhhh pretty good co-op experience! The reload timing is cool, reviving is a nice alternative to respawning, campaign length is nice and tight, and I like way those deep voice enemies say "BOOM". Besides having Bongo Bongo from Ocarina of Time do the footstep sound design, my only real complaint is how frequently you reach a door, have a need to go through that door, and then have to wait for the door to be opened for you. I'm 500 pounds of surly beefcake and jagged metal, just let me through already!

Oh and I constantly forgot that Jack existed, it's like I had no object permanence for that weird little robot

(9-year-old's review, typed by his dad)

There's no square root to death

And also I like it when the cubes fall. I don't like 2-player things single-player. It gets uncomfortable when you have to synchronize. Unless you're ambidextrous.

I know someone who's ambidextrous. He's my friend at school. He plays basketball.

I had no sword at all for two and a half hours.

I eventually found Biggoron's Sword on sale for 15 Rupees in the Goron City shop as Adult Link. However, as an incredibly frustrated young Alex learned in 1999, you cannot defeat Ganon in Ocarina of Time with the Biggoron Sword. In order to finish the game, the final blow must come from the Master Sword.

During my first playthrough of this (or any) randomizer, the Master Sword was the very last item that I found. This is what it took for me to find it:

• Both the Master Sword and the Kokiri Sword were in the Fire Temple in optional chests, with the Master Sword's chest requiring the Scarecrow Song to reach it. But I couldn't get to either of those without access to the Megaton Hammer, as the room to the left of the Temple entrance where you encounter Darunia had no keys in it. (The key to the door on the right side of the entry hall turned out to be in the Boss Key chest)

• The Hammer was in the Gerudo Training Grounds, where I was gated by my lack of Hover Boots.

• The Hover Boots were in Jabu-Jabu's belly in place of the Zora's Sapphire, and I couldn't complete that section without the Boomerang.

• The Boomerang was in the Castle Town moat in place of the Ocarina of Time, but I needed the 3 Spiritual Stones before Zelda would chuck it in there.

• The Kokiri Emerald was in one of the Gibdo coffins in the Bottom of the Well, so I needed the Lens of Truth to discover that.

• And the Lens of Truth was sold by a Business Scrub in Dodongo's Cavern. I got a good deal though, it was only 10 rupees!

Obviously, I had no idea where the Master Sword would be, so this wasn't a plan or a list of instructions I followed, it's just how things shook out. And I had a great time! I used Ship of Harkinian's randomizer, and there are some fantastic options that made the constant back-and-forth scouring of Hyrule more feasible. The most useful ones were unbreakable Deku Sticks (absolutely critical since I didn't find a sword for a while), changing Link's age with the Song of Time, Bunny Hood increasing speed like in Majora's Mask, and ageless items (allowing Young Link to use the Hookshot, for example). I was incredibly impressed with Ship of Harkinian as a whole, and will definitely put more playthroughs into that, randomized or not.

Speed-daters ranked by how much I'd want to play this game with them:

1. Spooky Peter (He'd be a riot)
2. Dave (Pure positivity)
3. Gary (I don't think it'd help him, but I have to try)
4. Hattie (She's nice!)
5. Stephanie (She needs something to do)
6. Andy (Would arguably the best commentator)
7. Agatha (Same reason as Gary, but less desperate)
8. Vera (I think she might hate it)
9. Leon (He'd definitely hate it)
10. Kyo (They don't need this stress, bless their heart)
11. Drea (I think they might hate me)
12. Riley (Bye Riley)

Cute game! I wish there was more art, a lot of situations are just described without showing anything. At the very least, a background image for the dates would have gone a long way. But most of all, I truly feel bad for not being able to help Gary more. That poor guy.