I think Spiritfarer's greatest strength is being able to wield the specificity of its characters' lives and the real life stories of grief that they take inspiration from whilst also remaining quite universal. Though, in a rather morbid way, I think one's mileage with Spiritfarer will vary mostly by one's life experiences with the subject matter. That's not to say that the storylines are hollow without being able to relate to them, some of my favourite characters in Spiritfarer are meant to serve as catharsis for a particular type of grief I'm simply not familiar with on that level.

This is all to say, one story in particular has had a more profound impact on me in a way that I think would simply not work quite as well if I hadn't lost a loved one in the way that I did.

I am going to put a spoiler warning here, though first of all, I obviously recommend the game if that wasn't clear; and second of all, go and read Drax's Excellent piece on the game, which is genuinely my favourite write-up about spiritfarer on the site, and maybe even the entire web.

I want to talk about Atul. A few days ago a friend of mine @MrCanilla finished his playthrough and wrote a thoughtful piece on it which I enjoyed (and the shoutout was nice too, lol). I then reflected on my original piece on the game and I wasn't very happy with it. So I replayed Spiritfarer and quickly dispelled the idea in my head that there was no way the emotional impact would be as effective on a second go. But the main reason Im writing this is because I never talked about Atul, and that surprises me, because it sat on my mind for a while when I originally played Spiritfarer in 2021.

Atul is a jolly Frog spirit you pick up as one of the first spirits you can ferry to the afterlife. He's the world's least picky eater, he's a handyman who runs the sawmill and breaks out into song, one of my favourites : thunder harvest. He asks you to go on a pretty long and arduous quest to feed him various foods which remind him of memories of his family, which he misses. As you get to know him you realize that behind his jolly facade is a real void, a void that he may be filling with food, judging by his appetite.

The real turn comes when his quest advances to organizing a big dinner for everyone on board, another set of food quests to make a big feast. Then as you go back to the ship and go to sleep, you realize the next morning that Atul is simply not there anymore. And I may be misremembering, because originally I played a much earlier version of the game, but I think originally that was it, you went to his room and found the spiritflower, the symbol left behind by the spirits in their quarters after they are ferried to the everdoor. On replay though, it seems there is a bit more clarification, with characters confirming quite plainly that Atul simply left. I am rather conflicted on this "QOL?" decision for reasons I will explain at the end.

You see, up until that point in the game (and they made damn sure that Atul's quest cannot be finished before sending at least 3 or 4 spirits I think to the everdoor) the game had established a sort of routine. Relating to the main thrust of the game being essentially the experiences of a palliative care nurse who would take care of patients in what little time they had left, all of the spirits follow the pattern of seeing off a dying relative, the spirits gathering around when taking their fellow to the everdoor analogous to gathering around a deathbed, as Drax pointed out. It doesn't get easier but it does follow a pattern; you take the spirit to the everdoor, they have some parting words somewhat concluding their storyline and then you cry and they leave forever.

Atul, however, simply leaves, utterly subverting the established pattern brilliantly. My reaction and many others was that of utter confusion : "What? What the hell? Where did he go? I didn't even get to say goodbye! That's not how it was supposed to go?" to anger "how could he leave without saying goodbye! How could he do this to me?". I simply couldn't believe it. In the case of Atul, there is some implication given his character arc that he simply didnt want to make Stella sad and went to the Everdoor himself, characteristic of his personality, but there is also an implication in my mind that this may well be Stella and by extension the audience trying to make sense of that which has none. And sometimes our loved ones will leave us without the chance to make peace or say one final goodbye, and we kind of just have to live with it and make what time with them count.

The reason this was all so devastating is that with a simple upending of established mechanics, spiritfarer pulled me back to 2018 and the exact emotional reaction I felt when my father unexpectedly past away. Without getting into needless details, it was simply an accident, one of tragically countless which happen every day. I was studying abroad at the time and got a call from my mother on an evening that was until then utterly mundane, I think I was planning on playing skyrim and procrastinating on work as I always did back then. Unbeknownst to me my Father had already passed when I received the call, but I was just told he was in the ICU and to get home ASAP. I hurried to the airport as fast as I could to take a late night flight back home. Looking back I am almost thankful for the eventful trip which took my mind off it all, getting lost and without battery in central london until some helpful people pointed me in the right direction, talking to a tourist on the plane, etc.

But of course when I landed I got the news. It was quite surreal, in a way. Now, I don't think anyone is fully prepared to lose a loved one ever, but when someone young and healthy leaves in such a fashion it makes you question a lot of things. And my Dad was not all that similar to Atul, personality wise, but much like the sawmill he used reminds you of Atul even when he's gone and you miss his supply of planks and all the other helpful activities he would do like most spirits in the game, I realized a few weeks later when I started to cycle again, that I was going to finally have to learn how to change tyres by myself. A sad reminder of who I lost but also an important lesson to move on and to let life's hardships as well as its good times serve as lessons. Its been 5 years now, and though this replay may have resurfaced a few bits, I am doing well, And I can confidently say that Spiritfarer is still a great game which accomplishes with its mechanics what couldnt be accomplished in a different medium. Its personally inspiring to me genuinely.

I must say, playing Spiritfarer in 2023 makes me think we should mandate Minecraft's version history system into every single game, because I think Spiritfarer 2020 was a great game which was a little padded and could have ended a bit earlier than it did, and lo and behold that's even more so the case now. In principle, I understand why they clarified a bit more on Atul, even if it robs it of the full impact of the utter confusion and shock it was originally intended to convey. However, if you are one of the people who complained enough about it that they added the option to turn off the Bus stop music, we cannot be friends; and I will see you in hell. And I have the sneaking suspicion that the new spirits were always supposed to be there in the original version but were cut due to time constraints and later added in, in which case I can see why they were chosen to be cut out of all of them, I'm sorry. They're not awful, but y'know.

Anyways, I don't know If I have much of conclusion beyond the obvious plea to love those closest to you and live a life you won't regret, so let's idk share our favourite spiritfarer tracks in the comments. Have a good one