A soulless, corporate cash-grab that not only fails in every regard, but especially fails to take your money.

I won’t lie, the game’s aesthetics and its music are phenomenal, and were the two things that initially drew me to it (that, and receiving this game for free from PS+). Unfortunately, those are the only compliments I have for the game. The map design is boring, character designs are generic, gameplay is uninteresting and disengaging, and there is absolutely nothing to feel any attachment towards. The reason why games like Overwatch, Apex, Splatoon, and hell — even Fortnite — are all enjoyable, aside from their addictive gameplay loop, is that they all have stories and characters that people grow attached to. People engage with them beyond the confines of the game because they love the worlds and narratives built from the characters.

Foamstars has none of that.

Foamstars has a narcissistic main character with some of the worst voice acting I’ve heard in a minute, along with a basic cast of characters that have nothing going for them. Nada. Their depth is essentially “hey this is their gender and their style of clothes!” Cool, I guess. You know what Overwatch has? A cringefail gorilla scientist who’s best friend is a temporally-unstable British lesbian and several people who won’t call him back. I’m gonna go play that instead, thanks.

Anyways, moral of the story is you’d be better off playing anything else. Literally anything. Go outside and play with sticks and rocks and I can guarantee you that you’ll have more fun with that than with this game.

For a season that should be utterly fantastic in every conceivable way, I’m severely disappointed with what we’ve received. I wanted to love this season from the bottom of my heart, but I just can’t. There’s many things Season of the Witch gets right, but its narrative and characters are so abysmally devoid of substance that the pros are unable to outweigh the staggering number of cons.

We’ll start with the pros, which consist of the seasonal activities and lore book. The Deck of Whispers and how its implemented in the Altars of Summoning and Savathun’s Spire is genuinely incredible. The buffs feel impactful, and it allows for a plethora of different builds to shine. Also, Altars being an activity that you can stay in and keep playing endlessly is a nice feature. Oh, and can we talk about the Imbaru Engine!? I adored all of the different designs and how each room had a challenging puzzle that corresponded with each sibling. It’s a fantastic way of showing instead of telling, and I loved each moment. Aside from that, the lore books are enriching as ever. Seeing a bit of Saint and Osiris’s domesticity, followed by Saint processing his anger and trauma against Savathun and eventually collapsing into Osiris’s arms was just chef’s kiss.

Now for the cons, and we’ll start with the narrative. Look, I’m speaking as someone who adores the lore, story, and characters (with Eris Morn being one of my all-time favorites), but this seasonal story is dreadfully uninteresting. Characters feel largely static and plot progression is minimal at best. The only person who had any meaningful development was Eris, with Xivu Arath of all characters coming in right behind her. Ikora, Immaru, and Savathun – while great characters in their own right, don’t get me wrong – have such stagnant writing. Trust me, as much as I love watching Ikora grapple with her friends’ mortality, Immaru’s hilarious jabs and low-blows, and Savathun’s brilliant schemes and trickery, there’s just not much there to keep me engaged. I loved watching how the Witch Queen had a plan for every possible scenario, but still it just feels kind of… eh? Like, so what? Oh wow, you predicted that Eris would abuse her power and murder everyone, well good thing I pre-ordered The Final Shape and already know that’s not gonna happen! It all feels so anticlimactic. It feels pointless. It feels like a waste of time. Every week is some variation of:

Eris: “Guardian! Give me tithes, aiat!”

Ikora: “Eris, I’m worried about you.”

Eris: “Fear not, Ikora. I’ve got this.”

Immaru: “She’s got a death wish, is what she’s got. [Cue 80’s laugh track]”

Ikora and Eris: “Shut up, Immaru. [Cue 80’s laugh track again]”

Xivu Arath: “MY NEW BABY SISTER I LOVE YOU! I CAN’T WAIT TO RINSE MY MOUTH WITH YOUR BLOOD!”

Savathun: “I’ve predicated this exact conversation verbatim. Fools, the lot of them. At this rate the Tower will be rubble in days. [Hot evil laughter goes here]”

Aaaaand repeat.

Also, speaking of the story, where is Veil Containment? If you’re not going to make any sort of meaningful advancement in your main story, at least have side content prepared to help supplement it. This season starts with Osiris and Nimbus finding more logs, but needing an extenuating amount of time to decrypt them. When Osiris said he’d need months, I didn’t think it would be literal. It’s been actual months and not a single update. Nada. Nothing. Not even little bits of information. If we end up getting a lore dump at the end of this season, I’m going to be furious. I’m tired of being front-loaded information. That’s NOT good storytelling.

Also, can we talk about that ending? How laughable it was? How ridiculous? Stupid, even? The fact that they had to put a pin in the Xivu Arath storyline and pretty much outright say they’ll come back to it after they’ve confronted the Witness, like what!? I get that it deserves a proper resolution, but to basically be told “hey, come back in a future PAID episode to see how we handle this” is infuriating. This season feels more like bad sitcom filler than it does a serious continuation of a long-standing series, and that is so disappointing.

Overall, Lightfall and its seasons have been mediocre at best and painfully bad at worst. I’m tired of being drip-fed meaningless filler content. I’m hoping that Season 23 blows me away because at this rate I’m starting to lose hope in The Final Shape’s integrity. In the meantime, I’ll gladly update this review when the season officially wraps up and we figure out what the “Wish” card actually means (will probably have something to do with the Ahamkara), but for now this season is unfortunately “meh.”

It’d be so easy for me to just give this a 0.5 star and have my review be “Haha, gacha game”. Nobody would care at all and 99% of people wouldn’t begrudge it.

That 1% is, unfortunately, me.

Look, I am Mihoyo’s foulest hater. I gave Honkai Impact 3rd a chance and hated it because, even putting aside a lot of the straight up barefaced plagiarism that game carries out, it was just a bad game that felt like someone trying to remember the combat parts of Crash of the Titans.
Genshin Impact was even worse, being the world’s first AAA skinner box that shamefully ripped off beats from Breath of the Wild to sell anime archetypes to children and teenagers. I hate, hate, hate Genshin Impact. Endlessly empty overworlds that occasionally reward you for self-harming by feeding you “storylines” that are just characters saying prophecies, politics and keywords ad nauseam were grotesquely fused with floaty, unpleasant gameplay where “player expression” caps out at smashing through your characters and hitting the skill and/or ultimate buttons until things die.
Any pretext of having ‘characters’ is also thrown out into the gutter, because outside of time-limited FOMO events you’ll be hard pressed to find a Genshin character with a real personality or even a goal. I wonder if people only remember Yae Miko because you can ‘get’ her character without playing an event that hasn’t been rerun since Covid quarantine.

So, you can imagine that I was extremely cynical about Honkai Star Rail. My view of it was that Mihoyo, not content to defile the character action and open world genres, had opted to shit out a turn-based game as well. And for the longest time, this game was my punching bag. Whenever it appeared during an event or festival I’d always say something like “more like honkai shit rail lmao” in my group chat, and whenever I saw fanart of the characters I’d gripe at how awful 90% of the designs are. Lastly, do you know how horrifying it was to find out HSR would be an interstellar adventure? From a studio that struggled to make me or anyone else give a shit about a single planet in Genshin? Madness. Utter madness.

But I was bored on Christmas day. Preternaturally bored. I don’t really know what came over me, but I got the urge to download this game.

And… I’m still playing it.

I’d even go out on a limb and say it’s good.

From here on out, I’m going to compare this game to Genshin almost every other sentence. Sorry, but there’s really no other way to highlight just how well this game does certain things without bringing up the studio’s awful last game.

Anyway, upon booting up HSR, two things immediately caught me off guard.

Number 1: The dub isn’t terrible. Genshin’s is infamously wooden and embodies every bad trend with English dubs. The women almost exclusively talk in either a Peppy Girl Voice, that same breathy detached voice that’s often only heard on amateur VA voice reels, or they’re using a flat Regal Voice that results in characters like Raiden Shogun and Rosaria - two ontological opposites - sounding identical. The men aren’t much better. Honkai’s dub, however, is surprisingly robust. I could probably tell you who each character is just from hearing a single line, because the direction being given to the VAs is phenomenal and it results in characters managing to shine through just voice alone. The nicest thing I can say about Honkai’s dubwork is that if a character sounds bored, I often assume it’s intentional.

Number 2: The characters are written - at all. Genshin’s characters have a bad habit of being the exact same template but copy-pasted over to another region. There’s really not much difference between Jean, Candace, Ningguang, and the Raiden Shogun when broken down to their base narrative components, and every region has a Cool Guy, a Sad Guy and a suspiciously forward underage girl. HSR has less characters overall, but it bothers to actually write them out and give them arcs.
Silver Wolf and Kafka only appear for 20 minutes in the intro before fucking off until a later patch, but their dynamic is excellent and they themselves have so much personality that I’m still thinking of them hours later.
Don’t get me wrong, HSR is not going to give you intricate Yakuza-esque plots, but I was gripped by the Jarilo-VI cast’s struggles to survive in a world that was entombed in multiple senses of the world, and the utter tragedy occurring between Hanya and Xueyi beats out some of dynamics I’ve seen in many actual JRPGs.

Both of these apply through the entire game (as at the time of writing), but that they’re immediately obvious from the prologue is what got me hooked.

Don’t get me wrong though, it’s not all perfect. The actual plots tend to be straightforward, and the game’s insistence on giving you 5 minute quests with 15 minute exposition dumps calls to mind Final Fantasy XIV in all the wrong ways, not to mention that who gets characterization and when often feels like it’s decided by dice roll.
I love Natasha, the caring but deeply exhausted leader of Jarilo-VI’s underground vigilante police force. In a cast of mostly younger adults she stands out as a tired middle-aged woman who initially keeps going because she thinks she has to in order to ensure there’s a world for the next generation to even inhabit, and she ends up feeling a bit aimless/overwhelmed when that mission ends up succeeding.
But she’s mostly ignored in favour of Bronya, Seele and Serval, all of whom I enjoy yet sadly sponge up most of the screen time. Bronya especially tends to have her character arc reiterated to the audience every other cutscene, though unlike Genshin characters or FFXIV’s Y’shtola, her arc actually resolves.

Towards the end of the first planet, it dawned on me that I was enjoying the writing because the writers had very clearly taken the right lessons from Genshin. Rather than force the player into an endless hamster wheel to maybe see the characters progress, the characters are just front and center in the story and they’re utilized extremely well.
Sure, I can cynically say that they only made the characters likeable to hype you up for their banner reruns, but at least I can tell the banner characters apart based on personality. I’ll pull for Seele because I like the headstrong, illiterate moron who is clearly in puppy love with Bronya. Not because I need a Quantum - The Hunt character.

The real star of the show, though, is the gameplay. I often scorn the idea of gacha games having “good gameplay” as the sentiment is often echoed by whales/longterm players who’re experiencing an entirely different game in practice, but HSR really caught me offguard on that front.
It’s all very simple: Enemies have big icons above their head stating which element they’re weak to, and you build teams to deplete their weakness gauge so you can stun them and do big damage. Each character has a basic attack, a skill (which costs a skill point), an ultimate attack and a passive - along with an overworld ability.
There’s a tendency in games like this to have earlier characters be incredibly simple and without any depth, which is a trend HSR bucks right out the gate. The protagonist, Dan Heng and March 7th (the first three freebies you get) all have their own mechanics and roles, so tightly designed that they’re perfectly usable in harder content with a standard level of investment. Power creep is still a thing of course - I got Ruan Mei, a very recent addition, in one of my first pulls and she can just take turns away from enemies - but so far the game avoids that nasty trend every other gacha has where early character skills are a single paragraph and later ones are entire pages.
Characters all have Paths, which is HSR for ‘Role’, but each character applies the concept of their path differently which thankfully avoids homogeny. Two of my main units, Sampo and Pela, are Nihility characters - debuff centric. Pela is focused on removing positive buffs and makes enemies infinitely more vulnerable to other debuffs like those conferred by her ult. Sampo, meanwhile, is a Damage Over Time character. All of his attacks have a chance to inflict a Wind DoT and his ult does less damage than others in exchange for massively cranking up the damage enemies take from the DoT effect.

Praise also has to be given to the game for lacking any duds as of the time of writing. I’ve frequently taken breaks from the story to get some leveling resources because every character I currently possess has a scenario in which I end up using them, and though I’ve yet to get the character I want from the permanent banner (which the game dumps tickets for on you), every character I have gotten from that banner has been used in a serious capacity since I got them.

Overall, though, the game leverages its extremely simple gameplay to put you through some absolute ringers. The core mechanics are simple so the fights can be… well, not? Bosses and even elite enemies come with mechanics that can throw careless players for a loop, some of which I’d even describe as MMO-esque. The earlier parts of the game can seem simple enough to just blitz with a high-damage team, but eventually enemies start using taunts/lock-ons/stuns and other debuffs to force you to think carefully. Really, it’s this variety in enemy mechanics that results in the above praise: Even Asta, a relatively boring character, has incredible mileage in any fight where making the party take turns faster is a boon.

If I had to illustrate the differences succinctly, I’d point to Healers. In Genshin they’re superfluous if you’re at all good at the game, because it’s trivially easy to avoid damage and infinitely better to just bring DPS characters that’ll help you end fights faster. That is not the case in HSR. You can delay turns with Ruan Mei and Asta all you like, but enemies are going to attack. You are going to take damage at some point, and the need to either dispel or negate these inevitabilities is the driving force behind much more indepth team building. I got through several arcs of Genshin just fine using the same team that only ever saw a change when Raiden Shogun dropped, but in HSR I have three separate teams that I’m still constantly tweaking.

As for the world, HSR completely dunks Genshin’s poor attempt at an open world out the airlock and trades it for comparatively linear pseudo-dungeons and slightly wider hub areas. It’s all very ascetic in comparison; Amber doesn’t appear to tell you to fuck off and gather wheat at all during the intro, you just hold Forward and hit things between cutscenes. This is all to its benefit though, both because it allows individual area plots to work at all (Genshin could never have done the Overworld/Underworld thing well) and it allows each area to have a very strong visual identity, which means I can actually tell areas apart. It’s impressive that both halves of Jarilo-VI feel like they belong on the same planet given that every continent on Tevyat feels like it fell out of a difference 4/10 gacha game.
Oh and the fucking music. I’ll give Genshin credit on one front: The boss music is stellar all the way through. HSR, being an actual interstellar experience, is similarly out of the world but on all fronts. I couldn’t tell you dick about Genshin’s overworld/dungeon music but I still hum the Jarilo Underworld theme even when far away from the game. To say nothing of the cheesy over the top vocal track that plays during Jarilo VI’s emotional climax.

I also haven't seen many people mention it, but the side material in this game is excellent. The protagonist is given plenty of time to shine, and while the writing cribs ideas from Disco Elysium it knows full well it's never going to be a masterwork and instead opts to tell good jokes and write good characters. I talked to a trash can once, and it was brilliant.

Looking back at all the praise I’ve given the game, I do feel the need to clarify one thing: This game isn’t really exceptional. It’s just good, and among gacha games that automatically makes it the best. I have a lot of fondness for the game, its world, its lore and especially its cast, but there isn’t anything here you can’t get elsewhere. Yakuza: Like a Dragon has it all and is a one time payment! Same with Dragon Quest 11.

If you’ve read this far you’re likely wondering how the actual gacha/live service elements are, and they’re … not bad. Not good, because they never can be, but among its peers this is one of the least egregious ones - not quite GBF or King’s Raid good, though. Tickets and pull currency are handed out willy nilly compared to Genshin’s equivalents and while there are dailies & a battle pass, actually filling them out is trivial work and can often be done in minutes.
Genshin’s Resin system returns as Trailblaze Power, but to this game’s credit all of the dungeons/boss refights/elite enemies/whatever are available on a permanent basis - though the boss refights are limited to 3 a day.
Which… does actually lead into my biggest complaint about the game, and the one that’ll probably influence whether I keep going in the future:

There’s not enough Trailblaze Power.

And- Look, alright, I’m not gonna be mad that a game is making me put it down, but you need so much Trailblaze Power to progress at a meaningful pace. The onboarding process and early tiers of the battle pass (which accrue naturally) will give you tons of refills, but that’s a well that began running dry after I beat Jarilo-VI and made me hesitant for the future. It’s not actually much of an issue in Genshin due to how few party members you ‘need’, but this game’s better combat intrinsically leads to more grinding, which you’ll hit walls in constantly due to lack of Trailblaze Power.

All in all, I'm thoroughly charmed by this little game. I’m probably going to keep playing it in the downtime between bigger games and bigger writing pieces, but this is still a Mihoyo gacha game. If you had issues with Genshin and they revolved around character availability and the like, this game doesn’t fix them at all. It’s best to stay away, and likewise if you have compulsive spending issues or an addictive personality absolutely stay away - this game pads out banners with junk weapons, and it knows what it’s doing.

I wish Natasha was real.