My rarest achievement was reaching an ending without looping a single time. Only 3% of players got that achievement.

This was shocking to me, because the very first thing I did once I learned the core concept of the game was shoot the leader guy in the face to see what would happen.

Now, assuming a good chunk of those 3% actually played the game well and got a more substantial ending instead of goofing around like I did, how few gamers turned on the game, picked the Gun Guy option, and blew away Diet Caesar? 2 percent? Less than 1? Does that say something about me, about people in general, or both?

...anyhow lol get rekt Sentius

Okay, so let's be clear: This game is a trap. A prank, if you will. See, the standard Tetris modes are no good. They're just a bad time, and I do not recommend them at all. I get what they were going for, and as a technical achievement, I'm sure it got someone excited back in '96, but no one will ever feel that way about the core 3-D Tetris gameplay ever again. As it stands, it is a repulsive and unpleasant experience.

But! The secret to enjoying this maligned Virtual Boy title lies in a special cheat code! From the title screen, press A, Right, and then A again, and you'll be rewarded with the part of the game that's actually fun!

Really though, 3-D Tetris's Puzzle Mode is far more compelling and clever than I expected, and if it weren't for the eye strain, I would have completed it in a single sitting. (I played on 3DS, and while I currently have a throbbing sensation behind my right eye, I really did enjoy the 3D effect.) In this mode, you are shown a three-dimensional shape made of tetriminos, and are tasked with recreating it exactly while using a predetermined set of blocks in a fixed order. There are 20 puzzles in total; some took me only a few minutes, while more complex stages were genuinely challenging, requiring 10-20 attempts. (I'm looking at you, Stage 18 - "Gorilla") I really liked it! It also helps that it has an absolute banger soundtrack, I'm gonna be coming back to this one in the future.

Anyhow, Puzzle Mode good! Everything else bad!

Whoa, I can see! I know this was a big part of the AAA Brownaissance of the mid-to-late 2000s, but compared to the remaster of the first game, this is practically vibrant with color. It's nice to be able to tell the difference between enemies and teammates from more than 10 feet away!

Before this month, my only experience with the Gears series was a single evening of Gears 2's Horde Mode at a buddy's house in 2008, so my wife (who had played a few of these with her brother) decided we needed to tackle them together. They're a little nostalgic for her, so she talks about rending grubs in half with a Lancer like I talk about Kokiri Forest. You can imagine my surprise when this sequel to an already gritty/edgy game spends a good chunk of its time being straight up misery porn! Gears 2 is a bit of a downer! When entire cities aren't getting obliterated, innocent people are either losing everything they have or getting kidnapped and tortured for unknown purposes. I normally can't stand dour stuff like this, so the fact that I had such a great time with it is truly a testament to how compelling the gameplay is.

It's a fantastic evolution on its predecessor, going bigger and better with each of its levels and set pieces. There aren't a lot of new weapons, but the Mortar is more than enough to satisfy me. Once I got the hang of eyeballing distances, the Mortar became one of my favorite weapons in any game I've ever played. I remembered someone telling me 16 years ago that there was a level inside a worm, but I was not prepared for "Avoid the Digestive Teeth". There's enough absurdity in here that I was laughing at the game's audacity more often than I was thousand-year-staring at its cruelty, so I guess that's a win? Good game!

But why do they say "Jacinto" like that?? With a hard "Juh"?? Right in front of Dom???

Possibly the most horrifying, anxiety-inducing UI I've ever seen in a game meant for children. The amount of crap on the "unintelligibly cluttered PC desktop belonging to your boomer coworker" of a screen at any given point makes my skin crawl, from which the only relief comes in the form of 2- to 4-minute-long unskippable cutscenes from the movie. I pray for the day that my youngest kid stops wanting me to play it with him. Trying to redirect him to Lego Marvel or Star Wars! (Obviously I'll still do it if he asks me to play with him, I'm not a monster)

Has anyone who worked on this game ever actually walked on wooden floors before?? Every time these hulking masses of man meat entered a busted-up domestic structure, the foley of their boots stomping on hardwood completely dominated our entire living room as if it was a "bass boosted" YTP from days gone by. Floors don't sound like war drums, guys!

Anyhow uhhhhhhh pretty good co-op experience! The reload timing is cool, reviving is a nice alternative to respawning, campaign length is nice and tight, and I like way those deep voice enemies say "BOOM". Besides having Bongo Bongo from Ocarina of Time do the footstep sound design, my only real complaint is how frequently you reach a door, have a need to go through that door, and then have to wait for the door to be opened for you. I'm 500 pounds of surly beefcake and jagged metal, just let me through already!

Oh and I constantly forgot that Jack existed, it's like I had no object permanence for that weird little robot

Speed-daters ranked by how much I'd want to play this game with them:

1. Spooky Peter (He'd be a riot)
2. Dave (Pure positivity)
3. Gary (I don't think it'd help him, but I have to try)
4. Hattie (She's nice!)
5. Stephanie (She needs something to do)
6. Andy (Would arguably the best commentator)
7. Agatha (Same reason as Gary, but less desperate)
8. Vera (I think she might hate it)
9. Leon (He'd definitely hate it)
10. Kyo (They don't need this stress, bless their heart)
11. Drea (I think they might hate me)
12. Riley (Bye Riley)

Cute game! I wish there was more art, a lot of situations are just described without showing anything. At the very least, a background image for the dates would have gone a long way. But most of all, I truly feel bad for not being able to help Gary more. That poor guy.

I had no sword at all for two and a half hours.

I eventually found Biggoron's Sword on sale for 15 Rupees in the Goron City shop as Adult Link. However, as an incredibly frustrated young Alex learned in 1999, you cannot defeat Ganon in Ocarina of Time with the Biggoron Sword. In order to finish the game, the final blow must come from the Master Sword.

During my first playthrough of this (or any) randomizer, the Master Sword was the very last item that I found. This is what it took for me to find it:

• Both the Master Sword and the Kokiri Sword were in the Fire Temple in optional chests, with the Master Sword's chest requiring the Scarecrow Song to reach it. But I couldn't get to either of those without access to the Megaton Hammer, as the room to the left of the Temple entrance where you encounter Darunia had no keys in it. (The key to the door on the right side of the entry hall turned out to be in the Boss Key chest)

• The Hammer was in the Gerudo Training Grounds, where I was gated by my lack of Hover Boots.

• The Hover Boots were in Jabu-Jabu's belly in place of the Zora's Sapphire, and I couldn't complete that section without the Boomerang.

• The Boomerang was in the Castle Town moat in place of the Ocarina of Time, but I needed the 3 Spiritual Stones before Zelda would chuck it in there.

• The Kokiri Emerald was in one of the Gibdo coffins in the Bottom of the Well, so I needed the Lens of Truth to discover that.

• And the Lens of Truth was sold by a Business Scrub in Dodongo's Cavern. I got a good deal though, it was only 10 rupees!

Obviously, I had no idea where the Master Sword would be, so this wasn't a plan or a list of instructions I followed, it's just how things shook out. And I had a great time! I used Ship of Harkinian's randomizer, and there are some fantastic options that made the constant back-and-forth scouring of Hyrule more feasible. The most useful ones were unbreakable Deku Sticks (absolutely critical since I didn't find a sword for a while), changing Link's age with the Song of Time, Bunny Hood increasing speed like in Majora's Mask, and ageless items (allowing Young Link to use the Hookshot, for example). I was incredibly impressed with Ship of Harkinian as a whole, and will definitely put more playthroughs into that, randomized or not.

In the early 2000s, somebody thought, "What if we made a Wild West outlaw game, but you fly an airplane the whole time" and it turned out incredible. However, unsatisfied, they then proceeded to wonder, "What if it became a Chicago mafia game, but you fly an airplane the whole time", and it was just as good. But with more yet to give unto the world, they looked the original Xbox right in its single green eye and posed the ultimate question: "What if it ends up being an Indiana Jones game... but you fly an airplane the whole time??"

I truly do not believe that games need to look any better than Crimson Skies. This is peak sixth-generation aesthetic, and it looks phenomenal upresed on Series X. There's so much style and charm on display here, with a delightfully pulpy performance from Timothy Omundson (!!!GALAVANT REFERENCE!!!) in the lead role. But more than anything, this is the most engaging air combat I've ever experienced, with its dogfights' tension regularly making me clench up and lean into turns while sitting on my couch like the guy in the N64 Tilt Pak ad. The final segment of the penultimate level in particular is one of the most intense, nail-biting sequences in any game I've ever played. I loved all of it!

Now lastly, we have to acknowledge the loss of a reviewing giant. Recently @Elkmane announced his retirement. As a lifelong Elkster, I knew this day was coming, but thought we had more time. While it's not the name he used here, I knew him as Big John. It just so happens that Crimson Skies features an ally character of the same name, and in the final level, King Richard kept shouting his name. I became fond of this game's Big John, but I'll miss the real one far more. So long, pal.

Elksters for life.