-“My psychiatrist told me recently about some sort of 4 week depressive treatment thing where I gotta talk to someone like once a week or something. Then out of nowhere she told me that judging from my behavior and from what I’ve said in previous meetings the psychiatric ward is an option too. I obviously said I never want to go there and she said that eventually if your behavior and these constant thoughts stay the same or get even worse you might not even have a say in it. I try mentioning it slightly to my friends, but they make jokes annd laugh about it instead. I’ve never particularly liked my friends and I probably never will, their immaturity may be a way for them to cope with the heavier things I’ve said sometimes, but some sort of seriousness should be there at these times in my opinion. Sometimes I see some sort of adultery in there, but immediately afterwards it just goes back to childish behavior which I replicate because otherwise they might not talk to me, and then I got no one there. I’ve always had difficulties with friendships, I never had that one “bro” that lasted, no friend that I can talk to now that I’ve known for years. I was in a lot of friend groups before in school, but I wasn’t as funny, good looking, necessary as any other friend in it so I’m the end I’m just kind of forgotten.

In all honesty though I haven’t felt necessarily happy or satisfied for 13 years, my last relationship ended after just a month with her breaking up with me, and that was 14 years ago. Every day I’m pressured into doing so much by my parents, my job and behaving differently to fit how my friends act that I hate, yet I have never had any incentive for anything for years. It feels as if I have to please everyone around me and make everyone like me like I have to live up to the standards of my mom and dad. My dad was a great soccer player and has so many friends he’s known for decades, some maybe even since middle school. Then when I still lived there he’d ask why I don’t hang out with anyone after school, who am I supposed to hang with? I force myself to do the things I used to enjoy just to try to, I don’t even know, reminisce maybe? I want to play the piano, guitar and clarinet again, but each little mistake makes me want to just drop everything, break everything in the room and cry. I want to play games everyday for hours like I used to but now I can barely open the damn game, I force myself through everything everyday even though I’m not actually having fun anymore. It almost feels as if I play games for status, I might not be as acknowledged if I haven’t played “these” games. I want to play through every game I can so I can show others I’ve beaten it, it’s not for fun, it hasn’t been for a long time but I need the small attention I get from a like or a follow.

I was prescribed antidepressants years ago as well, but funnily enough they managed to only do the opposite effect. I’ve had problems with drugs before when I was younger, but these were the first ones that I was supposed to take. I never liked drugs honestly, I tried everything just for status, it was the cool thing to do. Obviously something so stupid would be cool for a 13 year old. I’d start drinking too to be like my brother, after I turned 17 I drank nearly once every 3 or so weeks together with my mom, stepdad and their friends and coworkers. Each time I’d drink to the point of blacking out. Every time I drank I’d wake up alone in my room, I hated myself every time. I wished for my mom’s friends to kiss me or give me more attention. I’d throw up sometimes too, and sometimes I’d start crying too. Then I would brag about it even, thinking I’d look cooler. Some stories were made with it though, like a school trip where I smoked on a hill with two other friends. But those stories were short, they weren’t interesting or unique. Once I said every story I had, then what? I started lying about myself, what I’d done in the weekend, what I tried before, just so seem like a more interesting and fun person. But sometimes I’d be caught, when I’d saying something contradicting to what I’d said before, those points were when I just wanted to cry and end it.

I’ve talked with school assigned therapists since the 3rd grade when I tried hanging myself with a jump rope, but now I actually have to pay them to listen to me ramble, which I don’t because never in my life have they ever helped. They sit there and listen to me spill all my secrets and then give some shit advice for me. My mind wanders all the time though, I can’t concentrate on what anyone says, any simple sentence turns unnecessarily complicated for me all the time. Everyday my mind just has to remind me of everything I hate, about what I’ve done, what’s happened to me, people I’ve hurt and myself. Remembering my mom coming home late yelling at me because I can’t open up to her, seeing her just keep drinking while trying to force me to talk about myself. Seeing her cry because I couldn’t express my feelings and just leaving the room without comforting her because I don’t know how to. I tell her I’m fine all the time, she demands me to tell her the truth but I just say that it is. I’m not lying to her to show her I’m okay, I’m just too weak to confront it all. I’m a pathetic person, I can’t handle criticism but I can’t handle praise either. I can’t handle my responsibilities and yet I refuse to be in the care of someone else. I want to be independent but I desperately need someone to be there for me. I don’t want to stand out but I’m need of attention. I’m even crying just writing this, that’s how pathetic I am. I tell people I don’t cry, but why do I even bother? I just want to be seen as mature and as a fully functional adult that doesn’t need to rely on someone else. But I need someone else’s guidance for me to act on everything.

My older brother was a huge inspiration for me when I was 12 and 13, drinking, smoking, drugs, I just did everything he did to be cool like him. But everyone just hated me instead, I was just embarrassing myself and I still to this day can’t get any of it out of my head. Then my little step brother took my father’s attention from me all the time. He was so strict with me when I was younger, but he never once said anything against the things my little step brother did that were much worse. I obviously couldn’t tell him to be more quiet or to stop, then I’d get scolded. I always hated my step mom and step brother, I could never tell dad how I felt either, about anything overall. So obviously they just had to be there every time I wanted to spend time with dad, I couldn’t stand them then and each time dad visits I just pray that they don’t come with him. The thoughts that forcefully race through my mind telling me to end it, wreck everything around me and beat or kill everyone around me have just become more frequent over the years. It’s gotten to a point where nowadays when I hold a knife my hand almost moves on its own for a second either pointing itself towards my stomach or putting it against my other hand’s wrist. Nothing and no one has helped all of it stop, so the psych ward it is then probably. End of my pretentious rant (sorry).“-

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As you’ve probably noticed this is not a review of the game, this is a rant written by me yesterday between 2 - 3 AM (with some minor tweaks to make it more cohesive). The reason I’m doing this as my review is because this game has a big focus on the creator’s experience with depression. That’s at least how I interpreted the game. Therefore I, as someone who has been diagnosed with severe depression, used my rant as a way of showing my own experiences as well. So this is more or less a deep dive into how I feel and think, similar to what this game did minus the visuals and game aspects. The actual game is surprisingly good, I was hesitant at first because of the style (I’m not much for romantic visual novels) but the writing and scenarios got really damn good after the first date.

7.5/10

Parody visual novels only ever know three jokes - meta humour, being presented with choices that can't actually be picked, and "hahaha you're playing a dating sim isn't that WACKY", but this game thinks they're the three most original ideas in the world, so my first impression was "wow this visual novel REALLY has its head up its own ass" and...I don't think I was wrong with that call whatsoever after finishing BUT...I honestly did quite enjoy it

The artstyle is nice, the achievement aspects are fun too and while this game isn't as original as it thinks it is, the execution is pretty strong

jogo bem curtinho, sem sal e entediante, mesmo sendo uma experiência gratuita eu n sei se vale a pena jogar, artes bonitinhas e ideia principal interessante, mas ja utilizada varias vezes no formato de jogo de formas mt melhores que essa, tem dois temas bem interessantes ai no meio mas n são bem desenvolvidos o suficiente pro jogador realmente se importar com isso (seria mt bom ver isso ser abordado em jogo com mais tempo e recurso pra isso), no geral o jogo é bem mais ou menos, recomendo jogar só se tiver tempo sobrando

✔️ Played on Steam Deck, it works smoothly (26/03/2023). You willl need to use the touchscreen for the menu and choices and A button for advancing text.

What it seems to be a silly little parody of dating sim games turns into an interesting bunch of reflections and feelings thrown at your face. Nothing too new since this is not the first 4th wall breaking visual novel and also the feelings depicted are quite recurrent in this kind of games but definitely worth the read and quite relatable at some point.