CocaineSlushie
364 Reviews liked by CocaineSlushie
Nice of them to be constantly throwing the suicide hotline number in your face because wasting time on this will make you want to kill yourself.
Legitimately probably the worst thing I've ever played. Powered through the first 2 chapters then got to the part of chapter 3 where it turns into the Slenderman game and I said fuck it.
The "deep" depressed girl dialogue is unintentionally hilarious with how absolutely stupid it is. The terrible voice acting doesn't help either. Not scary whatsoever, the little bit of gameplay other than walking is abysmal, the story was entirely predictable (in addition to just dumb). Can't believe this game hasn't been given the Forspoken treatment with the dialogue being meme'd to death. Any day now.
Legitimately probably the worst thing I've ever played. Powered through the first 2 chapters then got to the part of chapter 3 where it turns into the Slenderman game and I said fuck it.
The "deep" depressed girl dialogue is unintentionally hilarious with how absolutely stupid it is. The terrible voice acting doesn't help either. Not scary whatsoever, the little bit of gameplay other than walking is abysmal, the story was entirely predictable (in addition to just dumb). Can't believe this game hasn't been given the Forspoken treatment with the dialogue being meme'd to death. Any day now.
Ed, Edd n Eddy: The Mis-Edventures is the reason my dad owns a PlayStation 5 and became obsessed with The Last of Us for a year. I'm not shitting you.
The year was circa 2009, or something like that, and my brother was obsessed with Ed, Edd n Eddy. Kind of. Back then, we had a small collection of licensed games. There was a copy of the Robots game that I thought the House Fairy (my mom's way of getting us to clean up after ourselves) gave us once, and a copy of a weird Animaniacs game that I don't remember at all. Those are the two that stick out to me the most. So my older brother's frothing at the mouth at the thought of playing a game based on one of his favorite cartoons, and lo and behold, one exists. So he goads my dad into going to the nearby GameStop we bought a copy of Animal Crossing: City Folk and a mic for our Wii at. No cheddar. But they have a copy of it for the PlayStation 2. At this point, we're using our Wii as a glorified Gamecube and boot up Goldeneye on our dad's old N64 to scream at each other. All hope is lost for my older brother until he remembers that, 'wait, doesn't the PlayStation 3 play PS2 games?' Neither of us Google that, and the thought of watching my older brother play it inspires me to add a PlayStation 3 to my wishlist come December out of the blue. Cue the gift card my dad gets from work that Holiday season being the perfect amount for a new console; cue our brand new PlayStation 3 getting unwrapped next to a copy of Mind Flex that will gather dust in the years to come and a copy of The Beatles Rock Band for Wii that probably went to a Goodwill somewhere. Cue the memories spawned from my neighbors: the kids who went to our house for the trampoline we had in our backyard and LittleBigPlanet; the kid who lived right next to us who was so obsessed with Call of Duty that his birthday cake was literally the cover art of World At War one time; the copy of Assassin's Creed Brotherhood sold to my older brother for five dollars and promptly ignored; and, anecdotally, the kid who had to get sent to the ER after a pop-it was thrown at his head. That last one isn't related, but it comes up every time I remember these things.
If this game didn't contribute to my childhood, I don't know what did.
Too bad it kinda blows.
The year was circa 2009, or something like that, and my brother was obsessed with Ed, Edd n Eddy. Kind of. Back then, we had a small collection of licensed games. There was a copy of the Robots game that I thought the House Fairy (my mom's way of getting us to clean up after ourselves) gave us once, and a copy of a weird Animaniacs game that I don't remember at all. Those are the two that stick out to me the most. So my older brother's frothing at the mouth at the thought of playing a game based on one of his favorite cartoons, and lo and behold, one exists. So he goads my dad into going to the nearby GameStop we bought a copy of Animal Crossing: City Folk and a mic for our Wii at. No cheddar. But they have a copy of it for the PlayStation 2. At this point, we're using our Wii as a glorified Gamecube and boot up Goldeneye on our dad's old N64 to scream at each other. All hope is lost for my older brother until he remembers that, 'wait, doesn't the PlayStation 3 play PS2 games?' Neither of us Google that, and the thought of watching my older brother play it inspires me to add a PlayStation 3 to my wishlist come December out of the blue. Cue the gift card my dad gets from work that Holiday season being the perfect amount for a new console; cue our brand new PlayStation 3 getting unwrapped next to a copy of Mind Flex that will gather dust in the years to come and a copy of The Beatles Rock Band for Wii that probably went to a Goodwill somewhere. Cue the memories spawned from my neighbors: the kids who went to our house for the trampoline we had in our backyard and LittleBigPlanet; the kid who lived right next to us who was so obsessed with Call of Duty that his birthday cake was literally the cover art of World At War one time; the copy of Assassin's Creed Brotherhood sold to my older brother for five dollars and promptly ignored; and, anecdotally, the kid who had to get sent to the ER after a pop-it was thrown at his head. That last one isn't related, but it comes up every time I remember these things.
If this game didn't contribute to my childhood, I don't know what did.
Too bad it kinda blows.
It starts with a janitor.
You're tasked with trailing him to his house in your car for a uniform. All you have to do is wait and, when the time is right, have a polite conversation with him.
So, anyway, I put a bomb on his door and blew him up the second he walked over to it. I punched him, tased him, shot him, poured gasoline on his brand-new car, and rammed his brand-new car with my stolen one. When I was supposed to park my car around the corner, I made the side of his car my parking lot. All of this "spooked" him, but never once did he die.
Like Classic Rock, Open World is an umbrella term. You have your Checklist Open Worlds, Zelda Open Worlds, Open Worlds that play like STALKER, Open Worlds by Bethesda, and so on. And then you have Rockstar games. The selling point is detail: in Fallout 3, technical limitations mean that every time you see a train running, what you're experiencing is an unnamed citizen with a train hat on, literally running. With Rockstar, the nails in the train tracks around the world are dynamically hammered in by unnamed NPCs that you can talk to. Cars turn realistically in Grand Theft Auto IV, and your average fast-travel system is replaced with a network of trains that you can interact with unscripted. Viewed separately from the content in them, they're masters in their field.
Ultimately, it all comes back to that janitor in the end. I've ruminated on it before, but a lot of what I find to be funny about that scene, in particular, is an imbalance between content and context. It's funny to keep failing specifically because the game asks you not to but puts in no safeguards to keep you from using its more emergent systems against itself. The issue Grand Theft Auto V has is that its caricatures only accelerate this imbalance. If the entire experience is supposed to be stupid, head empty, dumb fun, why play the rules at all?
In Red Dead Redemption II, I occasionally did the same thing. The game was linear, and I was bored, so I gave myself something to laugh at. But more of my time was spent in a modded version of the photo mode, where landmarks as simple and small as hills became vital storytelling tools for my version of Arthur Morgan. Abandoned wagons spoke to a quiet feeling of loss as fog enveloped the greenery. As nature took its course, I felt my figure shrink until it folded into the shadowy figure of the mountains behind me. It could only last for so long—but at least I was there for the trip. Farewell.
There's an inherent sense of melancholy in Red Dead Redemption II's world that I've seldom felt in the games I've played—much less from the Houser brothers and their culture of debauchery. To their credit, much of that comes from the narrative and characters. But beyond anything they had more than a minor role in, it's due to sunsets, fog, red dirt, and dry sand more than anything else. Red Dead Redemption II made me understand the cliche of riding into the sunset beyond a bus I took in high school one time, and it made me want to keep riding through the dark.
Another returning issue from other Rockstar games is as follows: movement still feels janky. I don't find it surprising at all that legendary filmmaker John Carpenter, fan of Sonic Unleashed and Halo Infinite, couldn't bring himself to finish this game. First-person mode here is a continent and two miles above what they half-assed into Grand Theft Auto V for the PlayStation 4 and Xbox One ports, and thus it's the way I recommend playing this. But eventually, you have to get on a horse, and there's no perspective you can control that in where it always feels as intuitive as you want it to be. Crucially, while running around, it was very easy to me to tackle someone accidentally in a public space. I am grateful that the police system in this is more lenient than what's currently in Cyberpunk 2077, because I would have quit otherwise. But it's not perfect, either. You can always pay off your bounties, meaning that while the ride to a nearby post office can be tense, it occasionally feels like there are no meaningful repercussions for aberrant behavior. Combat in Red Dead Redemption II feels better than anything else Rockstar has ever done; using the revolver actually gives you a reason to hip-fire instead of aiming at everything, and it feels glorious. But it's impossible to ignore that a lot of betrays the narrative cohesion found in the cinematics. Given how much of a vibe this game can be, it's a total shame that it falls victim to the Rockstar trope of every mission being either a Shootout Mission, Chase Mission, or Inconvenient Mission that Secretly Becomes a Shootout at the Last Second. As much fun as I had using the shotguns in this game, at some point, I was just kind of over it, and while that's not a feeling that stuck for very long, it never truly went away.
I loved Arthur Morgan, and I loved having him wear a brown coat and have long hair because those are the things that make me feel effeminate and manly at the same time. I loved naming my horse after a television reference because I had one of the final knife twists spoiled for me in advance, and also because it was a cute name for my horse. I liked both Epilogue parts, and I can understand the excuses someone might make for Guarma.
Easily Rockstar's best, I can't wait to see how they fuck up their next game.
You're tasked with trailing him to his house in your car for a uniform. All you have to do is wait and, when the time is right, have a polite conversation with him.
So, anyway, I put a bomb on his door and blew him up the second he walked over to it. I punched him, tased him, shot him, poured gasoline on his brand-new car, and rammed his brand-new car with my stolen one. When I was supposed to park my car around the corner, I made the side of his car my parking lot. All of this "spooked" him, but never once did he die.
Like Classic Rock, Open World is an umbrella term. You have your Checklist Open Worlds, Zelda Open Worlds, Open Worlds that play like STALKER, Open Worlds by Bethesda, and so on. And then you have Rockstar games. The selling point is detail: in Fallout 3, technical limitations mean that every time you see a train running, what you're experiencing is an unnamed citizen with a train hat on, literally running. With Rockstar, the nails in the train tracks around the world are dynamically hammered in by unnamed NPCs that you can talk to. Cars turn realistically in Grand Theft Auto IV, and your average fast-travel system is replaced with a network of trains that you can interact with unscripted. Viewed separately from the content in them, they're masters in their field.
Ultimately, it all comes back to that janitor in the end. I've ruminated on it before, but a lot of what I find to be funny about that scene, in particular, is an imbalance between content and context. It's funny to keep failing specifically because the game asks you not to but puts in no safeguards to keep you from using its more emergent systems against itself. The issue Grand Theft Auto V has is that its caricatures only accelerate this imbalance. If the entire experience is supposed to be stupid, head empty, dumb fun, why play the rules at all?
In Red Dead Redemption II, I occasionally did the same thing. The game was linear, and I was bored, so I gave myself something to laugh at. But more of my time was spent in a modded version of the photo mode, where landmarks as simple and small as hills became vital storytelling tools for my version of Arthur Morgan. Abandoned wagons spoke to a quiet feeling of loss as fog enveloped the greenery. As nature took its course, I felt my figure shrink until it folded into the shadowy figure of the mountains behind me. It could only last for so long—but at least I was there for the trip. Farewell.
There's an inherent sense of melancholy in Red Dead Redemption II's world that I've seldom felt in the games I've played—much less from the Houser brothers and their culture of debauchery. To their credit, much of that comes from the narrative and characters. But beyond anything they had more than a minor role in, it's due to sunsets, fog, red dirt, and dry sand more than anything else. Red Dead Redemption II made me understand the cliche of riding into the sunset beyond a bus I took in high school one time, and it made me want to keep riding through the dark.
Another returning issue from other Rockstar games is as follows: movement still feels janky. I don't find it surprising at all that legendary filmmaker John Carpenter, fan of Sonic Unleashed and Halo Infinite, couldn't bring himself to finish this game. First-person mode here is a continent and two miles above what they half-assed into Grand Theft Auto V for the PlayStation 4 and Xbox One ports, and thus it's the way I recommend playing this. But eventually, you have to get on a horse, and there's no perspective you can control that in where it always feels as intuitive as you want it to be. Crucially, while running around, it was very easy to me to tackle someone accidentally in a public space. I am grateful that the police system in this is more lenient than what's currently in Cyberpunk 2077, because I would have quit otherwise. But it's not perfect, either. You can always pay off your bounties, meaning that while the ride to a nearby post office can be tense, it occasionally feels like there are no meaningful repercussions for aberrant behavior. Combat in Red Dead Redemption II feels better than anything else Rockstar has ever done; using the revolver actually gives you a reason to hip-fire instead of aiming at everything, and it feels glorious. But it's impossible to ignore that a lot of betrays the narrative cohesion found in the cinematics. Given how much of a vibe this game can be, it's a total shame that it falls victim to the Rockstar trope of every mission being either a Shootout Mission, Chase Mission, or Inconvenient Mission that Secretly Becomes a Shootout at the Last Second. As much fun as I had using the shotguns in this game, at some point, I was just kind of over it, and while that's not a feeling that stuck for very long, it never truly went away.
I loved Arthur Morgan, and I loved having him wear a brown coat and have long hair because those are the things that make me feel effeminate and manly at the same time. I loved naming my horse after a television reference because I had one of the final knife twists spoiled for me in advance, and also because it was a cute name for my horse. I liked both Epilogue parts, and I can understand the excuses someone might make for Guarma.
Easily Rockstar's best, I can't wait to see how they fuck up their next game.
Town of Salem
2014
In the past, I've written (and rewritten) about this game, and none of those musings exist anymore because they bordered on being too personal. I don't have much to say about that. If I have to apologize for being a bit too nervous, I will!
None of that has any bearing on my current score for Town of Salem. My personal recommendation is, if you're looking for this kind of experience, play the sequel. The New User Experience is ass and nobody bothers to help you, but there are more people playing it...
and less of them are as flagrantly racist, ableist, and just straight-up shitty as they are in its predecessor. Yeah, the first Town of Salem is like that now. I've seen people pretty much admit to making alts because their previous accounts were banned for using racial slurs, and I don't know if any of them have ever adequately been punished for it. The volume of it is just that high at the moment.
I will say, points to the game for no longer allowing the use of that ableist slur in its chat. But that hasn't stopped people from using shorthands instead.
My own struggles as a person aside, play another game.
None of that has any bearing on my current score for Town of Salem. My personal recommendation is, if you're looking for this kind of experience, play the sequel. The New User Experience is ass and nobody bothers to help you, but there are more people playing it...
and less of them are as flagrantly racist, ableist, and just straight-up shitty as they are in its predecessor. Yeah, the first Town of Salem is like that now. I've seen people pretty much admit to making alts because their previous accounts were banned for using racial slurs, and I don't know if any of them have ever adequately been punished for it. The volume of it is just that high at the moment.
I will say, points to the game for no longer allowing the use of that ableist slur in its chat. But that hasn't stopped people from using shorthands instead.
My own struggles as a person aside, play another game.
I went in with low expectations, ready to be ambivalent towards it just like I mostly was for Fallen Order, but Survivor definitely excels as a sequel and does most things better than its predecessor.
The combat is much improved with the variance between different stances being really cool, the newfound customization options are great, and the variance in environments coupled with expansive open areas and solid enemy variety is a welcome combo.
But while it may be a big step in the right direction, I still wouldn't consider the game anything too great. The glitches and just overall jank are the most glaring issue - Why are all the NPCs T-posing during takeoff every single time, 9 months after launch? Why does the protagonists default hair style become a writhing mass of tentacles while sprinting? Sometimes characters would be visible in their usual default location lurking in the background of a cutscene that they're already in.
Beyond glitches, the plot is really lacking in a lot of areas. Characters' motivations are just so poorly explained and/or don't make sense. I don't give a fuck about Tanalorr. And I am so god damn sick of protagonists who kill hundreds upon hundreds of regular enemies yet become big babies when it comes to killing much worse characters who happen to be a part of the plot.
The combat is much improved with the variance between different stances being really cool, the newfound customization options are great, and the variance in environments coupled with expansive open areas and solid enemy variety is a welcome combo.
But while it may be a big step in the right direction, I still wouldn't consider the game anything too great. The glitches and just overall jank are the most glaring issue - Why are all the NPCs T-posing during takeoff every single time, 9 months after launch? Why does the protagonists default hair style become a writhing mass of tentacles while sprinting? Sometimes characters would be visible in their usual default location lurking in the background of a cutscene that they're already in.
Beyond glitches, the plot is really lacking in a lot of areas. Characters' motivations are just so poorly explained and/or don't make sense. I don't give a fuck about Tanalorr. And I am so god damn sick of protagonists who kill hundreds upon hundreds of regular enemies yet become big babies when it comes to killing much worse characters who happen to be a part of the plot.
Mortal Kombat 1
2023
By far the worst game NetherRealm Studios has put out since rebranding. I'm not sure what happened in development that caused this to be such a train wreck, whether it being the publisher forcing microtransaction-heavy modes or if there was truth to the rumors about it originally being Injustice 3. But on a macro and micro level, the game is completely flawed.
Story Mode is where the small bit of good in the game is. The story is certainly absolute nonsense with nonstop plot holes and dumb decisions, but it was refreshing to get a more grounded and sometimes reimagined take on many characters. If anything they didn't take this far enough and could've switched up a lot more. The graphics and especially facial animations are some of the best I've ever seen in a video game. Top notches performances all around... Except for the hilariously bad Megan Fox as Nitara. Were they scared to ask her to do a second take?
Invasions mode is pushed as the driving force behind the game and is basically the only thing to do in single player once you finish the main story. And unless you care about unlocking costumes in 35 different shades of the same exact ugly color, there is 0 reason to do so. Nonstop boring grindy content, no fun to be had.
Even the classic towers are somehow ruined. Each character's ending, rather than being the story of what would happen if they were the one to beat the big bad boss as it is traditionally, instead shows what they do after the main story of the game. Not only is this boring, but it causes multiple characters' ending to be the exact same thing due to being involved in each other's epilogues. And speaking of the big bad boss at the end of the tower? It's literally just Shang Tsung in a dumb looking outfit, he doesn't even get a buff. There is no challenge whatsoever. He's literally just a regular character in the game.
I've seen people say that despite the game's flaws this is the best Mortal Kombat gameplay-wise. I get it, but personally I despise the whole Kameo system, so the gameplay is a major bust for me.
The whole thing feels like a giant step down from Mortal Kombat 11 (Which wasn't exactly amazing, but is great next to this garbage). The fatalities are totally uninspired. Even the character interactions before each match seem so cold - most of them don't even make sense, 2 characters who are friends agreeing on a point or something rather than explaining why it is that they're about to fight.
Story Mode is where the small bit of good in the game is. The story is certainly absolute nonsense with nonstop plot holes and dumb decisions, but it was refreshing to get a more grounded and sometimes reimagined take on many characters. If anything they didn't take this far enough and could've switched up a lot more. The graphics and especially facial animations are some of the best I've ever seen in a video game. Top notches performances all around... Except for the hilariously bad Megan Fox as Nitara. Were they scared to ask her to do a second take?
Invasions mode is pushed as the driving force behind the game and is basically the only thing to do in single player once you finish the main story. And unless you care about unlocking costumes in 35 different shades of the same exact ugly color, there is 0 reason to do so. Nonstop boring grindy content, no fun to be had.
Even the classic towers are somehow ruined. Each character's ending, rather than being the story of what would happen if they were the one to beat the big bad boss as it is traditionally, instead shows what they do after the main story of the game. Not only is this boring, but it causes multiple characters' ending to be the exact same thing due to being involved in each other's epilogues. And speaking of the big bad boss at the end of the tower? It's literally just Shang Tsung in a dumb looking outfit, he doesn't even get a buff. There is no challenge whatsoever. He's literally just a regular character in the game.
I've seen people say that despite the game's flaws this is the best Mortal Kombat gameplay-wise. I get it, but personally I despise the whole Kameo system, so the gameplay is a major bust for me.
The whole thing feels like a giant step down from Mortal Kombat 11 (Which wasn't exactly amazing, but is great next to this garbage). The fatalities are totally uninspired. Even the character interactions before each match seem so cold - most of them don't even make sense, 2 characters who are friends agreeing on a point or something rather than explaining why it is that they're about to fight.
The Wild West
2007
This shit sucked. Lizard cowboys had me sold, asked my dad for it based off the cover art alone. Who would ever want a Nintendo DS rail shooter? 15 years later I still want my money back.
Death's Door
2021
Mature themes with a cute art style and tongue in cheek humor - My kind of game. Was very surprised that there was a ton of blood splatter in it. I'm not complaining, just didn't see it coming given the overall cartoony-ness of it all.
The combat is barebones but not simplistic, found myself really enjoying it the more I experimented. Bosses are varied, areas are memorable, difficulty is balanced. An all round pleasant experience, would recommend.
Mushroom Dungeon theme is a masterpiece.
The combat is barebones but not simplistic, found myself really enjoying it the more I experimented. Bosses are varied, areas are memorable, difficulty is balanced. An all round pleasant experience, would recommend.
Mushroom Dungeon theme is a masterpiece.
Lemmings Paintball
1996
My first ever strategy game. May have been the last one too. Lemmings don't even look like that.
Given that there's no image or description for this one, a PC game my mom got from a sketchy retail store for me to play at her boyfriend's house when I was a kid, I'll give my own description:
A big cat hunting simulator that's janky to the point of it being super creepy - Almost feels like a horror game at times. The insane cat breathing sounds as they barrel towards you in a blur of minimal pixels is still ingrained in my brain. If that doesn't jump scare you, your character's blood curling death scream will. Wish I could go back. Not even any YouTube videos of this one out there.
A big cat hunting simulator that's janky to the point of it being super creepy - Almost feels like a horror game at times. The insane cat breathing sounds as they barrel towards you in a blur of minimal pixels is still ingrained in my brain. If that doesn't jump scare you, your character's blood curling death scream will. Wish I could go back. Not even any YouTube videos of this one out there.
Aw hell yeah. This is what it's all about right here. Don't think I ever beat it but vivid memories of combining red + blue to make purple and such. Where else are you gonna get that kind of education?
Not sure where I would be today if this game didn't teach me that X stands for X-ray fish. Game changer.
Slamscape
1996
I've spent years trying to figure out what the name of this game was - The one with the terrifying intro where your eyes get stabbed that has nothing to do with the actual game. Y'know, the one with the creepy mutant teddy bear things that slowly waddle towards your spaceship? The spaceship that can hop around and go boing? That one. Slamscape. Apparently.
Mom's boyfriend's Dell computer had some gems on it. Definitely never beat this thing, I was certainly younger than 9-12, but the memories are all good. I was brave.
I Spy Spooky Mansion
1999
Inadvertently got reminded of this when trying to discover the name of a different childhood haunted house educational game. What a throwback. Huddled up with the sister scared out of our minds I Spying in a haunted house. It built character.