TheSacredTurf
1985
"They don't make them like this anymore".
Thank fuck.
Thank fuck.
2002
How has this game been missing from my life for the last nineteen years?!?
As a fan of adventure games it's unbelievable to me that I've never played this before. Right from the start Syberia had me hooked with its great story, lovely art and sumptuous soundtrack. Rarely do I care that much about videogame stories, even in adventures, but this game made me really CARE about the story and the characters, so much that I was genuinely sad to see the ending.
Syberia has now become one of my all-time favourites, a real classic that I'm so glad I have experienced.
As a fan of adventure games it's unbelievable to me that I've never played this before. Right from the start Syberia had me hooked with its great story, lovely art and sumptuous soundtrack. Rarely do I care that much about videogame stories, even in adventures, but this game made me really CARE about the story and the characters, so much that I was genuinely sad to see the ending.
Syberia has now become one of my all-time favourites, a real classic that I'm so glad I have experienced.
1985
The C64 version has great tunes and three levels of dull shooty stuff. Whatever, it is what it is. Did I mention the great tunes, though? There's great tunes in it. And dull shooty stuff. But there's great tunes.
2016
Most idle games are smelly balls. Most idle games are a waste of your life.
Most idle games aren't SPACEPLAN.
SPACEPLAN isn't smelly balls. SPACEPLAN is magic.
Play SPACEPLAN.
Most idle games aren't SPACEPLAN.
SPACEPLAN isn't smelly balls. SPACEPLAN is magic.
Play SPACEPLAN.
2004
Disappointing sequel to the crackin' original. Quite a fun story but sadly it's ruined by infuriating and illogical puzzles and far too much wandering around. Such a damn, damn shame.
2018
Farming Simulator 19 is a game that loves you.
It's a game that wants you to have a wonderful time. It's a game that puts so much effort and care into simply being LOVELY. It's a game that just does so many things right and so few things wrong. It's a game I've been playing for 140 hours and I've yet to see a single bug. It's a game that, despite minimal tutorials and a somewhat steep learning curve, is an anxiety-free and soothing holiday in the country. It's a game that somehow creates joy out of power washing your tractors or harvesting soybeans. It's a game that gives you a dog who bounces out of his wee house to welcome you whenever you come home. It's a game that has no loading times after the initial one. It's a game that looks great and has fab radio stations to listen to while you work. It's a game that lets you set the in-game clock to real time so you don't get stressed by the hours quickly racing by.
It's a game that some of you probably won't like but Farming Simulator 19 won't mind. It's a game that likes you. It's a game that loves you. Play it.
It's a game that wants you to have a wonderful time. It's a game that puts so much effort and care into simply being LOVELY. It's a game that just does so many things right and so few things wrong. It's a game I've been playing for 140 hours and I've yet to see a single bug. It's a game that, despite minimal tutorials and a somewhat steep learning curve, is an anxiety-free and soothing holiday in the country. It's a game that somehow creates joy out of power washing your tractors or harvesting soybeans. It's a game that gives you a dog who bounces out of his wee house to welcome you whenever you come home. It's a game that has no loading times after the initial one. It's a game that looks great and has fab radio stations to listen to while you work. It's a game that lets you set the in-game clock to real time so you don't get stressed by the hours quickly racing by.
It's a game that some of you probably won't like but Farming Simulator 19 won't mind. It's a game that likes you. It's a game that loves you. Play it.
THEY PLAYED US LIKE A DAMN FIDDLE
I wish more games were like this. Short, focused, fun stuff to do, bit of story but not too much and you're done in a few hours. NEXT.
I wish more games were like this. Short, focused, fun stuff to do, bit of story but not too much and you're done in a few hours. NEXT.
2019
Observation is a spooky but clichéd sci-fi tale where you play the part of a space station's computer while all sorts of cosmic shenanigans go down.
Nice premise and atmosphere but this game is ruined slightly for me by having too much aimless dickin' about and an environment in which it's far too easy to get lost and disorientated.
Give it a go if you can get it cheap, though.
Nice premise and atmosphere but this game is ruined slightly for me by having too much aimless dickin' about and an environment in which it's far too easy to get lost and disorientated.
Give it a go if you can get it cheap, though.
2019
This is a good example of yer bog standard 5/10 game that doesn't do anything great but isn't a catastrophe either. Ok story, ok setting, ok cast but nothing original or amazing.
It does have big Wolf Kahler in it, but. Worth playing this just for a bit of Wolf.
It does have big Wolf Kahler in it, but. Worth playing this just for a bit of Wolf.
2018
The agony of having a big spiky thing sliding up yer bum until the end of the universe isn't as bad as the agony of playing Agony for fifteen minutes.
Don't play Agony.
Don't play Agony.
2015
Probably one of the most stressful games I've ever played but by jiminy slicing the heads and legs aff dead people with a garden sickle is fuckin' TASTY.
155 hours. That's how much of my life I've put into Assassin's Creed Valhalla and I still haven't seen end credits. I've finished the main story and completed the HUNDREDS of side quests and all of the other activities and this bloody thing still won't END.
It's a good game, don't get me wrong. I've enjoyed my time with it, it's just that there's so bloody MUCH of it. Ubisoft have made a game that's four times the size a game like this should be and absolutely nobody asked them to do it. They could have released a 40 hour cracker and AC fans and non-fans would've lapped it up. Instead, they spent so much money and so much effort to make a big hairy wank of a thing that nobody really needs. I spent a year playing this. A year, mate. Wind yer neck in, Ubisoft.
It's a good game, don't get me wrong. I've enjoyed my time with it, it's just that there's so bloody MUCH of it. Ubisoft have made a game that's four times the size a game like this should be and absolutely nobody asked them to do it. They could have released a 40 hour cracker and AC fans and non-fans would've lapped it up. Instead, they spent so much money and so much effort to make a big hairy wank of a thing that nobody really needs. I spent a year playing this. A year, mate. Wind yer neck in, Ubisoft.
2018
I really don't know about this one. I kind of had a good time with this game, but I don't know if I enjoyed it. There was sometimes too much fiddly stuff to do, but sometimes there was nothing to do. It was thrilling and it was boring. It was relaxing but also infuriating. It was amazing and it was dogshit.
I really don't know. It was kinda ok but then at the end it went HANG ON A MINUTE I SUPPOSE I SHOULD BE A VIDEOGAME NOW and gave me fail states for the first time, resulting in me playing the exciting climatic bit five fuckin' times and turning the coolest part of the game into an annoying pain in the arse until I realised what I had to do. Well done, team.
Ach, I dunno. Maybe I'm in a grumpy mood or something but I was expecting to have a better time with this game than I did. This could have been magic but instead it was Could It Be Magic by Take That.
Nobody wants that, mate. Even Take That.
I really don't know. It was kinda ok but then at the end it went HANG ON A MINUTE I SUPPOSE I SHOULD BE A VIDEOGAME NOW and gave me fail states for the first time, resulting in me playing the exciting climatic bit five fuckin' times and turning the coolest part of the game into an annoying pain in the arse until I realised what I had to do. Well done, team.
Ach, I dunno. Maybe I'm in a grumpy mood or something but I was expecting to have a better time with this game than I did. This could have been magic but instead it was Could It Be Magic by Take That.
Nobody wants that, mate. Even Take That.
Not bad as far as these games go. Some silly puzzles, but overall daft fun.
2015
Bloodborne is vile, disgusting and totally STINKING. Putrid filth and dirty shenanigans all over the place.
My God, it's lovely.
Also, it's got giant birds with the head of a dog, giant dogs with the head of a bird and an interactive pig's arse.
Bloodborne is fuckin' art.
My God, it's lovely.
Also, it's got giant birds with the head of a dog, giant dogs with the head of a bird and an interactive pig's arse.
Bloodborne is fuckin' art.