108 reviews liked by cyanplaza


fire fighters are already the coolest guys in society and yet this game takes it to the next god damn level. dont really have anything funny to say, this game is up there with the coolest games i've ever played.

final fantasy 14 if it was cool and swag

This was a fun game but good lord it's atrocious to farm sometimes.

Touhou fan games are often renowned for their quality. It would seem there are exceptions to everything.

picked this up just cuz the box art was pretty and this has probably one of the wildest movement systems i've ever experienced in a fighting game; motion sickness has never been this fun. like, yeah it's unfinished and half the characters are in 3D while the rest are 2D sprites, yeah the story mode was clearly written by extremely horny dudes who don't see women as people, yeah there's like a specific instance where they sexualize a small child that kinda ruins any good vibes i could have ultimately derived from the experience, but it is pretty cool that it lets you play as a muscular butch (sanitized for straight dudes to enjoy but we take what we can get out here), just wish more games would let us embody that kinda role

There's a guy in this called "Superfly Johnson"

This review contains spoilers

This is gonna be a tough review for me. I am definitely going to have spoilers, at some point, and will indicate prior to dropping them.
This game is just about everything I wanted it to be, and despite my conflicting feelings about it, I will say. Anyone who outright hates this game or Remake is a crank. Probably mad about the time ghosts or the changing fate stuff they established in Remake. Boo. You're a nerd & if you want to play Final Fantasy 7 (1997) that's a game still, you can play that.
They continue to do the cast of FF7 so damn good. Tifa & Aerith's chemistry is FIRE this game, too, and I am delusional enough to pretend they are canon despite the remakes continuously cucking me with Cloud (seriously this guys a dork ain't no way he's pulling either girl when they could just date each other be so fr). The tone, for most of the game, is just the gang hanging out on a fun little adventure. I love that. That's what I'm here for. I cannot imagine not loving every character in this game. Lotsa minigames, places to explore, side quests to do, STUPID GOOD OST. I actually do want to 100% this game, which says a lot as it's not really my thing. I just have a few more things to do after finishing the story now, as I was pretty much completing each area as we went, just to get to play the game more. There were only two areas I found kind of annoying to navigate, but even those I did fully explore despite myself. Overall, my spoiler free review is you'll probably adore this game and have tons of fun with it so give it a go.

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD

While 90% of this game has the magic, somehow MORE than Remake, the other 10%...is downright offensive to me. For once I can say I DO relate to the nerds mad that they change FF7's story for Remake because what even was that ending. From the get-go, even back when Remake came out, the story suggested CHANGING YOUR FATE. WE ARE MORE THAN OUR DESTINY. Wow, what a fun little idea! I love that! It's stupid that Aerith has to die, I think that could be a great twist to the original FF7 story!
and god did they FUMBLE THAT HARD. I should preface this with saying that I kinda expected something like this, given they went SO HARD on pushing this idea even in the trailers for Rebirth (come on they had the sound of Cloud saving Aerith in the last trailer for Rebirth) and I know the writers are sickos so they are going to lull their dumb audience into a sense of safety just for shock value (which btw is dumb as shit, terrible idea, only made worse by the execution).
ANYWAY remember when Aerith died in FF7 (1997)? Really powerful scene, everyone had their own unique reactions, no silly RPG WE WON victory dances after the fight, it was very sad, very powerful.
Rebirth thought that this was a silly idea. Wouldn't it be cooler if instead we did some couple hour long boss rush with Zack, the gang, & Cloud & Aerith (all on their own, separate instances) after a vague suggestion that Aerith may have been saved? Or maybe she's not? Iunno Cloud's an unreliable narrator (which, I get what they were getting at here, cool in concept horrible in execution) so who can say for sure? It left me confused through the whole fight, then post fight, Cloud is delusional as hell acting like Aerith is THERE (which tbh is actually hilarious in concept, like Cloud out here yapping to a dead girl that's not even here and everyone in the gang is too uncomfortable to say anything about it....hilarious. not really the tone I would've gone for tho) while everyone else is vaguely upset (again, not like the original, its like a brief, confusing flash of Aerith being with Cloud and everyone else looking sad but not really communicating much else).
Cloud's delusional ass waves goodbye to Aerith while everyone's on board the plane like "hey should we say something? that guy aint well" but no one has the guts to break the delusion because he DID try to kill Tifa not that long ago, my dude is unhinged. There's a crack in the sky? Uh seems like Zack hopped to another universe maybe? I have no clue. I spent a long time reading other theories and opinions on this wild ending just trying to cope. My general takeaway for now is maybe Aerith is alive in another universe or w/e, which like. who gives a shit if no one else can talk to her or see her? I want her in my universe with my party. Also it is my understanding these other universes eventually fall apart, so does it really matter if she's alive there?
It just seems like a stupid idea in the way they executed, I did not feel sad that Aerith maybe died, I just felt frustrated and confused at what was going on and I wanted to be done with the game (something I hadn't felt until literally this weird ass boss rush confusing nonsense that was Aerith's death). If they were going to kill her anyway, I honestly would've preferred to have an impactful scene like the original. And damn during this boss rush (especially where the gang -Cloud is fighting) we're hearing all the silly little "Run like a chocobo...sting like a tonberry" and what have you battle quips like. I assume the gang saw Aerith die, so what's up with that? shouldn't we be dead ass silent consumed by grief? Just overall a weird and confusing tone for a once powerful scene. Yeah whatever I'm a crank, I knew in my heart they didn't have the guts to follow thru with their "change your fate" bit they were doing, it was still hard to see.
Maybe Part 3 will prove me wrong, iunno, maybe they'll bring her back via multiverse nonsense I have no clue. You can see my star rating, this game went so hard a colossal fumble this hard didn't even cost it a star. That's how much of a simp I am for this series. That's how much stupid fun I had playing it. I got A BEACH DATE with AERITH AND TIFA. You have no idea how hard it was to dock the half star for this hot mess ending. I look forward to Part 3 lmao hoping for the best. Would be cool to get a Vincent DLC or something to hold me over while I wait.

Dan Schneider would have loved this one

this is my crack. i don't know why i keep playing it, but i do. i can't escape the weird fucking water game

you thought halo ce aged poorly?

...then how the hell was bungie utterly outshining that game's level design a whopping 7+ years before it was even conceived?! for a game of so many firsts in first person shooters, it's unnerving how little recognition marathon gets. not to mention how many of its pioneered ideas are often wrongfully attributed to the likes of half life; health stations, friendly npcs and narrative drive, to name a few

more than anything being falsely credited however, i'm upset that this melee combat hasn't been actively replicated by literally every succeeding fps. typically when playing a shooter - especially on harder difficulties - most people start pissing their pants as soon as they fire their last clip. doom with fists only? duke with his shoe? sure, it's been done for challenge's sake, but is it ever optimal?

it is in marathon because your fists don't deal static damage - rather their power increases with speed. on total carnage, the most standard enemy can eat 6 whole pistol rounds before he croaks; that's trivialized to 3 quick meetings between fist and face if you know what you're doing. simply put, punching dudes till they explode is insanely addictive. tell me this isn't the sickest shit and i'll rightfully call you a liar

a few of the levels here would make halo's library check the fuck out (colony ship for sale and pfhoraphobia most notably) but despite the sadism, i'd call most everything here pretty well designed and memorable thanks to some solid puzzles and smartly-placed save points. weapons are fairly basic, but the alternate firing modes (another bungie-birthed fps mechanic - go figure) help vary things up a good bit. shoutouts to the fusion pistol, flamethrower and whatever the fuck that alien gun is in particular - especially the alien gun because i adore it

narratively, there's definitely stuff of interest being brewed and i'm more invested here than i ever was in the original halo's plot, but i can tell things are just getting started. so onward i go - to durandal...

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