Even as someone who was very excited for the game since the demo dropped, I didn't expect to be THIS in love with the final product. It's genuinely unbelievable that it's Shift Up's first console project. This is a technical marvel packed with eyecandy environments, models and effects that still runs at 60fps the whole time at a 30GB file size. In a lot of ways it feels like the first true 9th generation game I've experienced, and finally not a remake or sequel of anything else. So many moments where I was genuinely blown away by what I was seeing and experiencing, like arriving in the main city for the first time. Still shocking that SIE decided to back this so hard in publishing and promotion as it seems to go against everything the company is about in recent years but it's a move I'm thankful for.

Stellar Blade harks back to the PS2 era, unashamed of being a video game and prioritising gameplay above all else, with a ton of unlockable outfits and new game+ free on day one. Not to say that its design is primitive in any way as it incorporates all the best parts of modern gaming too. Areas are a mix of linear setpiece based levels and more open exploration. I liked how the side missions took you to new locations and had actually great rewards, and in general it's not a ridiculous time sink like a lot of modern games. Combat is an absolute blast, a fusion of other great actions like Sekiro, Bayonetta, even Resident Evil at times. Very reflex heavy swordplay wth a variety of different ranged firearms as well. With the amount of skills and specialized equipment you can collect you'd think it would get too easy after a point, but you will still get put in your place by the brutal boss fights at the end of the story. The grotesque monster designs and the elaborate animations for dismembering them are just on another level, every encounter sticks out in my memory. And I've seen criticism of it but I personally loved the parkour and Uncharted style climbing around the world. I felt like there was such a huge variety to what I was doing for my whole 40 hours played and it was mixing multiple genres I love perfectly. Finally if this game doesn't at least take nominations for best OST of the year it will be an absolute crime because it's constantly hitting your ears with objectively heavenly sounds, the most atmospheric emotional vocal songs seamlessly switching to more intense versions when fighting. Combined with the landscapes and art design you just gotta stop and take it all in sometimes.

This achievement has been overshadowed by some REALLY braindead controversies over the last few months and I've also seen a lot of hate from fans of the other series that clearly inspired it. It's a new IP so harsh critics are to be expected but I look forward to more people warming to it and realizing how it's actually a love letter to those things and an amazing game in its own right, and I hope EVE will be respected one day like Bayonetta, 2B etc have come to be. This singlehandedly made me feel less doomer about the game industry, if we can still get stuff like this every once in a while we may be alright. I will be eagerly awaiting whatever these devs make next on console

In that primordial placeless origin, through the mist-veil of time, since man first airbrushed Merlin smoking a pipe on the side of a van, there, you can feel it in the noosphere, a moon-lit dream, The Dream, a call in the heart of the human soul. Some have seen some small part of this dream- The Legend of Zelda, The Elder Scrolls, Ultima, Dark Souls, Adventure, Dragon Quest, King's Field, Wizardry, among innumerable others, nameless here forevermore, all have failed to reach The Dream. Perhaps cruel circumstance chained them to Earthly bond, perhaps cowardice stayed their hand, perhaps they lacked the naivety and earnestness necessary to behold a waking dream. Whatever their individual situation, the results have always been, like Lion of Gripsholm Castle, a mutant, an aberration, at best a passing resemblance. Dragon's Dogma is The Dream, forged in the furnace of the heart, it is not visually plain- it is clean, it is not halfbaked- it is too goodly to exist totally in a world half-evil, it achieves the promise of videogames, and proves that creative endeavour above all else is the greatest goal humanity can strive for. it is the twinkle in the eye of Merlin smoking a pipe airbrushed on the side of a van.

Howdy howdy y'all, it's your bestest and most favoritest star in all of Steamywood, DA NOISE! Can you smell what the Noise ain't cookin'?! Cause I can sure smell what Peppino was cookin', yowie wowie what a stench. This game blew so much hot ass before I showed up didn't it?! Could ya believe it?! They left me as just the third boss. THE THIRD BOSS. Me?! The Noise?! Boise, Idaho's favorite boi with the most poise?! There's a new director in town baby, and the academy's gonna be unprepared for this greatness. They're gonna give me a gajillion Oscars, and the Dorito Pope will be giving me every game of the year award for every year going forward and every past year too, because everything else is gonna be trash in comparison. Why bother making anything else? The Noise is here.

Woag. lights giant cigar with fancy zippo lighter with his own face on it

You see, The Noise don't play by anyone's rules, no sir/ma'am/mx. When The Noise plays golf, golf is actually played by The Noise. Numbers are made up and points don't matter, so who cares? Every burg is a primo burg when The Noise cooks. If you're not trying, you're not cheating. What if The Noise doesn't feel like racing? What about that ya stupid rocking horse? How about I give you a nuclear wedgie instead and beat the prize out of ya?! I ain't deliverin' no pizza, ya damn gnomes can get it yourself. That shit is positively abhorrent I must say! (sips tea) I'll destroy every house that actively orders that garbage. Don't cry to me when you see your fancy gnome cottage go flying to the third moon of Jupiter. YOU DID THIS! Take it from me kid, you'll go a lot further in this business when you see it the noisy way.

Ya see, I ain't like that lousy pastry chef, I'm a handsome and incredibly tall man with a college degree and a very beautiful girlfriend. I taught that Tony Bird guy how to do the 900 McNuttly Twist so he could become a Pro Skater, and I always know to shoot first and ask questions later. The personification of chaos, a chaos that Jack Garland wants none of. However you gotta know kid, that since you're no longer playing a shit chef with shit expectations, there comes much bigger demands from someone as POWERFUL and GOOD LOOKING as I am. You see, The Noise ALWAYS S-Ranks at minimum, I don't care what my producers say about being nicer about the lower ranks. I took a massive paycut to say what I fuckin' said if you ever D-rank in my general vicinity. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE IN FOR IF THAT SCENARIO HAPPENS, CAPEESH?!? A-rank may be acceptable to you, but if it were up to me it'd stand for ASS! I take nothing else, ya hear?! Now if you excuse me, the GF is a-waitin' for me. Don't be having any skillet issues on me, or there's gonna be a bit of a crockpot conundrum.

HIT MY MUSIC.

With Love to his adoring fans,
Your boi the Noise
XOXOXOXOXOXO

P.S. Woag.

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Oughta
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