DJSCheddar
2015
One of my bigger video gaming heartbreaks. Why did they even bring it back if they were going to do it this badly?
1994
Having to physically restrain myself from giving this 5 stars based on the theme music alone
Happily flushes everything great about its predecessor down the toilet.
2014
Hideo Kojima's best game.
I honestly believe that this has a claim on being the worst game ever made.
Are there shooters with worse controls and movement? Yes.
Are there games with worse visuals for their time? Tons.
Are there games with a more clumsily told, bloated story? Uh, sure, probably some.
Are there games with worse audio? Animation? Enemy AI? Shooting? Item management? Shameless male gaze? Insulting 'puzzles'? Out of place assets? General jank? Yes to all.
But is there ANY other game that is THIS BAD at ALL of those things, simultaneously? While also being one the biggest AAA releases of its year, from a world-class publisher, who spent more money and manpower on it than literally any game they had EVER made before? Has there EVER been a bigger swing and a bigger, more embarrassing miss?
Are there shooters with worse controls and movement? Yes.
Are there games with worse visuals for their time? Tons.
Are there games with a more clumsily told, bloated story? Uh, sure, probably some.
Are there games with worse audio? Animation? Enemy AI? Shooting? Item management? Shameless male gaze? Insulting 'puzzles'? Out of place assets? General jank? Yes to all.
But is there ANY other game that is THIS BAD at ALL of those things, simultaneously? While also being one the biggest AAA releases of its year, from a world-class publisher, who spent more money and manpower on it than literally any game they had EVER made before? Has there EVER been a bigger swing and a bigger, more embarrassing miss?
2012
I honestly believe that this has a claim on being the worst video game ever made.
Are there shooters with worse controls and movement? Yes.
Are there games with worse visuals for their time? Tons.
Are there games with a more clumsily told, bloated story? Uh, sure, probably some.
Are there games with worse audio? Animation? Enemy AI? Shooting? Item management? Shameless male gaze? Insulting 'puzzles'? Out of place assets? General jank? Yes to all.
But is there ANY other game that is THIS BAD at ALL of those things, simultaneously? While also being one the biggest AAA releases of its year, from a world-class publisher, who spent more money and manpower on it than literally any game they had EVER made before? Has there EVER been a bigger swing and a bigger, more embarrassing miss?
Are there shooters with worse controls and movement? Yes.
Are there games with worse visuals for their time? Tons.
Are there games with a more clumsily told, bloated story? Uh, sure, probably some.
Are there games with worse audio? Animation? Enemy AI? Shooting? Item management? Shameless male gaze? Insulting 'puzzles'? Out of place assets? General jank? Yes to all.
But is there ANY other game that is THIS BAD at ALL of those things, simultaneously? While also being one the biggest AAA releases of its year, from a world-class publisher, who spent more money and manpower on it than literally any game they had EVER made before? Has there EVER been a bigger swing and a bigger, more embarrassing miss?
2016
Rhythm Hell
It's like they spent a long time making a nice-looking world map and then quickly and awkwardly laid a game on top of it. The actual content is stretched so thin it's mildly insulting.
I will never forget the terrible sinking feeling I had about a quarter of the way through the (embarrassing, weightless, cliched) story when I realized, oh God, I've seen everything this game has to offer haven't I? I have all the items. I've seen the ONE dungeon type. There aren't going to be ANY other interiors. And these ten or so enemies are really gonna be it for the whole thing.
Bad experience. Not a Zelda game.
I will never forget the terrible sinking feeling I had about a quarter of the way through the (embarrassing, weightless, cliched) story when I realized, oh God, I've seen everything this game has to offer haven't I? I have all the items. I've seen the ONE dungeon type. There aren't going to be ANY other interiors. And these ten or so enemies are really gonna be it for the whole thing.
Bad experience. Not a Zelda game.
Competent from a technical standpoint, but blatantly unfinished. There's next to no interesting gameplay here. It's a demo for an engine with half of a self-parodic nothing story haphazardly attached to it. He deserved to be fired for this.
They really decided to take our beautiful, perfect RESIDENT EVIL 4 and just shoot it in the kneecaps by making it 100% co-op.
Remember the masterful tone and pacing from 4? Wrecked by the necessity for a charging-ahead action focus befitting couch co-op (nobody wants to do thoughtful exploration or puzzle solving with a buddy). Remember Leon's charming and fun attache-case inventory system? Jettisoned for an unforgivably clumsy no-pause interface that will have you tearing your hair out as you frantically try to trade items while ten enemies climb up your ass. And how about those great, meat-and-potatoes boss fights? Well, now most bosses are obtuse co-op puzzles that require a ton of frustrating trial-and-error while you figure out the exact way the designers expected you (both) to approach them.
It's a real shame, because there's a ton of polish on the presentation and lots of content. This game is trying to go real big, with lots of returning characters and impressive cutscenes, but it whiffs by taking itself too seriously. (There is some really ill-fitting faux-John Williams score during boss fights, among other things.) One of the best things about its predecessor was, of course, how delightfully campy it was. Takeuchi missed the memo on that one, I guess. And some other stuff, too.
In spite of that, I do like this game -- this is like my fourth time playing it, after all. There is plenty of fun to be had if you can hold your nose through the awkward 2-player stuff. The cutscenes are very well done and look great. Mercenaries is robust. Matrix Wesker is goofy and cool. Sheva is hot. It's okay! I just really wish they hadn't been so married to that one crippling, trend-chasing design choice.
Remember the masterful tone and pacing from 4? Wrecked by the necessity for a charging-ahead action focus befitting couch co-op (nobody wants to do thoughtful exploration or puzzle solving with a buddy). Remember Leon's charming and fun attache-case inventory system? Jettisoned for an unforgivably clumsy no-pause interface that will have you tearing your hair out as you frantically try to trade items while ten enemies climb up your ass. And how about those great, meat-and-potatoes boss fights? Well, now most bosses are obtuse co-op puzzles that require a ton of frustrating trial-and-error while you figure out the exact way the designers expected you (both) to approach them.
It's a real shame, because there's a ton of polish on the presentation and lots of content. This game is trying to go real big, with lots of returning characters and impressive cutscenes, but it whiffs by taking itself too seriously. (There is some really ill-fitting faux-John Williams score during boss fights, among other things.) One of the best things about its predecessor was, of course, how delightfully campy it was. Takeuchi missed the memo on that one, I guess. And some other stuff, too.
In spite of that, I do like this game -- this is like my fourth time playing it, after all. There is plenty of fun to be had if you can hold your nose through the awkward 2-player stuff. The cutscenes are very well done and look great. Mercenaries is robust. Matrix Wesker is goofy and cool. Sheva is hot. It's okay! I just really wish they hadn't been so married to that one crippling, trend-chasing design choice.
2009
They really decided to take our beautiful, perfect RESIDENT EVIL 4 and just shoot it in the kneecaps by making it 100% co-op.
Remember the masterful tone and pacing from 4? Wrecked by the necessity for a charging-ahead action focus befitting couch co-op (nobody wants to do thoughtful exploration or puzzle solving with a buddy). Remember Leon's charming and fun attache-case inventory system? Jettisoned for an unforgivably clumsy no-pause interface that will have you tearing your hair out as you frantically try to trade items while ten enemies climb up your ass. And how about those great, meat-and-potatoes boss fights? Well, now most bosses are obtuse co-op puzzles that require a ton of frustrating trial-and-error while you figure out the exact way the designers expected you (both) to approach them.
It's a real shame, because there's a ton of polish on the presentation and lots of content. This game is trying to go real big, with lots of returning characters and impressive cutscenes, but it whiffs by taking itself too seriously. (There is some really ill-fitting faux-John Williams score during boss fights, among other things.) One of the best things about its predecessor was, of course, how delightfully campy it was. Takeuchi missed the memo on that one, I guess. And some other stuff, too.
In spite of that, I do like this game -- this is like my fourth time playing it, after all. There is plenty of fun to be had if you can hold your nose through the awkward 2-player stuff. The cutscenes are very well done and look great. Mercenaries is robust. Matrix Wesker is goofy and cool. Sheva is hot. It's okay! I just really wish they hadn't been so married to that one crippling, trend-chasing design choice.
Remember the masterful tone and pacing from 4? Wrecked by the necessity for a charging-ahead action focus befitting couch co-op (nobody wants to do thoughtful exploration or puzzle solving with a buddy). Remember Leon's charming and fun attache-case inventory system? Jettisoned for an unforgivably clumsy no-pause interface that will have you tearing your hair out as you frantically try to trade items while ten enemies climb up your ass. And how about those great, meat-and-potatoes boss fights? Well, now most bosses are obtuse co-op puzzles that require a ton of frustrating trial-and-error while you figure out the exact way the designers expected you (both) to approach them.
It's a real shame, because there's a ton of polish on the presentation and lots of content. This game is trying to go real big, with lots of returning characters and impressive cutscenes, but it whiffs by taking itself too seriously. (There is some really ill-fitting faux-John Williams score during boss fights, among other things.) One of the best things about its predecessor was, of course, how delightfully campy it was. Takeuchi missed the memo on that one, I guess. And some other stuff, too.
In spite of that, I do like this game -- this is like my fourth time playing it, after all. There is plenty of fun to be had if you can hold your nose through the awkward 2-player stuff. The cutscenes are very well done and look great. Mercenaries is robust. Matrix Wesker is goofy and cool. Sheva is hot. It's okay! I just really wish they hadn't been so married to that one crippling, trend-chasing design choice.
2011
So good it's unfair to everything else -- almost unsportsmanlike. A thunderous windmill dunk of a game.
A somewhat successful translation of the whole God of War thing into an (abbreviated) handheld format. Incredibly, more or less everything from the console version is here – just half as much of it.
The new prequel setting and some of the areas are intriguing at first, but the level design ends up being too flat. Without many meaningful secret areas or puzzles, levels too often feel like nothing more than combat arenas strung together by hallways, which is something that the previous two games went well out of their way to avoid.
It’s very short and the story is kind of insubstantial (although it does have one quite good story beat that's better experienced than described), but it all works fine. If you need a handheld Kratos fix, this is more than passable.
The new prequel setting and some of the areas are intriguing at first, but the level design ends up being too flat. Without many meaningful secret areas or puzzles, levels too often feel like nothing more than combat arenas strung together by hallways, which is something that the previous two games went well out of their way to avoid.
It’s very short and the story is kind of insubstantial (although it does have one quite good story beat that's better experienced than described), but it all works fine. If you need a handheld Kratos fix, this is more than passable.
2009
I know that this was considered more or less the peak of the series before the reboot, but I actually found it to be somewhat disappointing. It’s certainly bigger, but I felt like it was retreading a lot of ground.
The one big improvement was the focus on bosses – there are a ton of them – and given how full of colorful characters and monsters this world is, that was definitely the right way to go.
I’m honestly not exactly sure what it was that I wanted^ from a sequel after being so impressed by the original, but this wasn’t quite it. It’s mostly the same, but it feels a tiny bit less inspired. Still a solid, polished action game, no doubt.
^Oh, I know one thing I DIDN’T want from this game: for it to end on a bullshit cliffhanger.
The one big improvement was the focus on bosses – there are a ton of them – and given how full of colorful characters and monsters this world is, that was definitely the right way to go.
I’m honestly not exactly sure what it was that I wanted^ from a sequel after being so impressed by the original, but this wasn’t quite it. It’s mostly the same, but it feels a tiny bit less inspired. Still a solid, polished action game, no doubt.
^Oh, I know one thing I DIDN’T want from this game: for it to end on a bullshit cliffhanger.
2007
I know that this was considered more or less the peak of the series before the reboot, but I actually found it to be somewhat disappointing. It’s certainly bigger, but I felt like it was retreading a lot of ground.
The one big improvement was the focus on bosses – there are a ton of them – and given how full of colorful characters and monsters this world is, that was definitely the right way to go.
I’m honestly not exactly sure what it was that I wanted^ from a sequel after being so impressed by the original, but this wasn’t quite it. It’s mostly the same, but it feels a tiny bit less inspired. Still a solid, polished action game, no doubt.
^Oh, I know one thing I DIDN’T want from this game: for it to end on a bullshit cliffhanger.
The one big improvement was the focus on bosses – there are a ton of them – and given how full of colorful characters and monsters this world is, that was definitely the right way to go.
I’m honestly not exactly sure what it was that I wanted^ from a sequel after being so impressed by the original, but this wasn’t quite it. It’s mostly the same, but it feels a tiny bit less inspired. Still a solid, polished action game, no doubt.
^Oh, I know one thing I DIDN’T want from this game: for it to end on a bullshit cliffhanger.