THE FULL ASSASSIN'S CREED EXPERIENCE ON THE GO, unfortunately

You WILL tail 500 people as slowly as the human construct allows.

Stealth missions! With stealth mechanics from the early 90s where an enemy will see you through a wall, so you hide in a pile of hay for eight seconds prompting the population of a village that watched you enter the hay to forget you were ever there.

On the bright side, exploring the open world is a BLAST... in two minute increments because the game keeps thinking you want to jump off the 50 foot building you're on so the sickest parkour sequence you've ever seen will abruptly end as you randomly dive to the right into concrete next to a horse whose legs are glitched into the ground

For real though, the setting FUCKS. Beyond the more traditional city area is some of the most unique environments in the franchise, home to this game's most memorable moments.

Free running across the decrepit branches of a rundown bayou into a dive to the murky swamps beneath, only for a fucking CROCODILE to burst through the mud and chomp at you. Lurking through a centuries old temple, hopping over crumbling chasms and wading through flooded caverns to unearth the city's greatest secrets.

The most 8/10 Uncharted spinoff you've ever played is buried somewhere in this game, and it's a shame most of the game focuses on emulating its console peers when it shines brightest molding its own identity.

The story is especially unique, in the sense that it ignores all forms of good storytelling. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. Characters come and go from the story at complete random. ENTIRE PLOTLINES come and go from the story at complete random.

Half of the characters aren't characters, like their entire personality is "they talk cryptically", so you sit through a cutscene of some voodoo person talking about voodoo, then tail some random slave owner who never appears again, then hear about voodoo some more before the voodoo person is also never seen again.

After finding a holographic projection in 18th century Louisiana, I knew this story wasn't for me.

The biggest blue balls in gaming history

On paper this is the ULTIMATE Star Wars game. An action adventure EPIC turning EVERY planet from the Skywalker Saga into SPRAWLING collect-a-thon playgrounds, EXPANDING these iconic locales into thriving landscapes of secret areas and satirical gags... BUT THE MECHANICS AND LEVEL DESIGN ARE SO FUCKING BORING

USE THE MYSTICAL POWERS OF THE ALMIGHTY JEDI TO very, very slowly move this crate into position. Don't worry about any sort of challenge making this interesting, the crate automatically locks into a specific spot. THEN USE THESE TRANSCENDENT FORCES OF MYTHICAL LEGEND TO very, very slowly move this other crate onto the first one. Again, don't worry about the crates falling over or any other room for error that could make this vaguely interesting, this crate also automatically slots into position. STACKING CRATES IS WHAT MY UNCLE DOES FOR A LIVING, I'M DARTH "ANAKIN" VADER NOT KEITH, THIS IS TERRIBLE

A series of platforms. Hell yeah, some 3D platforming!... Press X. That's it. To jump from platform to platform, press X. You don't have to aim. You can't fall. Press X. And again. And again three more times... YOU DID IT HOLY SHIT YEEEEAAAAHHHH YOU'RE A GOD AMONGST CLOWNS MAKE LOVE TO ME

BLOCKING SHOTS IS AUTOMATIC. YOU COULD STAND ANAKIN IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CLONE ARMY, PUT THE CONTROLLER DOWN, FLY TO FUCKING ISTANBUL AND PISS AND SHIT THERE FOR TWO WEEKS, AND RETURN TO ANAKIN "THE KID KILLER" VADER STILL STANDING THERE COMPLETELY UNHARMED.

Complete Saga's mechanics were basic. Time a button press to dodge a bullet. Jump over these really close together platforms. Use the right character at the right terminal. Individually mundane, but collectively creating a consistent stream of micro scenarios to subconsciously problem solve. It's easy, but never mindless. Skywalker Saga lacks many of these micro systems, meaning the moment-to-moment gameplay is almost non-existent.

Darth Sidious accidentally calling for Order 67, which makes all stormtroopers break out in a dance party, was the exact moment I knew my suicide note was worth finishing

MADE FROM THE GROUND UP. FOR THE ALL POWERFUL NEXT GENERATION SYSTEMS... with an entire year less than the developers needed to finish it, WHERE'S THE REST OF THE GAME

YOU CAN'T EVEN CREATE WOMEN IN THIS. I know Vince McMahon was in charge at the time so it's probably best to keep even fictional women as far away from him as possible, but they didn't start their partnership with Saudi Arabia until 5 years later so WHERE'S THE WOMEN

MyCareer is PAINFUL DUDE. A meandering slog of meaningless match after meaningless match. Barely any story. Barely any purpose. Half the time against some random Create-a-Wrestler that MUST have been designed by someone who's just been introduced to the concept of graphic design for the first time. Who the FUCK is Jayden Jet and why have I just won the SmackDown tag titles with him

Showcase Mode. I know a lot of you guys like this and I respect that, but alternatively FUCK YOU AND YOUR PASSIONS, THIS IS ASS BRO. PLAY AS THE SAME FOUR PEOPLE FOR 50 FUCKING MATCHES, HALF OF WHICH ARE RANDOM TAG MATCHES FROM RAW IN 2013 THAT WERE FORGOTTEN THE DAY AFTER THEY AIRED, I'M BORED AS FUCK WHERE'S JAYDEN JET WHEN YOU NEED HIM

Even the core gameplay is bollocks. After decades of arcade gameplay, 2K15 focuses on simulation... SIMULATION OF 2023 MATT HARDY, YOU CAN BARELY DO ANYTHING IT'S SO JANK. If you try to run, the wrestler has this almost mini stutter before he properly gets going. The animation for TURNING AROUND was mocapped by a 95 year old on their deathbed. See this enemy right in front of you that you wanna dive on? THE GAME DOESN'T, FACE FIRST INTO THE CONCRETE SPLOOPS.

The core mechanics are FUNCTIONAL most of the time, they just have a ton of small quirks like this that add up to make the gameplay deeply unsatisfying. The chain grappling minigame is REALLY functional in fact, so functional it's ALL YOU DO. EVERY OTHER MOVE auto changes into some shitty minigame where you gotta move the right analogue stick into a specific position before your opponent does. Your grand reward for succeeding is the grip of your headlock tightens slightly. MY HEADLOCK IS SLIGHTLY MORE SECURE GUYS WE FUCKING DID IT WOOOOOO

A barren wasteland, and the content that IS there is clunky and tedious. I will buy next year's game and keep buying them every year until I pass away