NeonManta
It's fucking Smash.
2018
Donut County is perfect for those looking to unwind and relax. It’s the video game equivalent of napping in a hammock in the shade. Taking clear inspiration from Katamari and possibly even Pikmin, it’s best experienced all in one go... because it’s two hours long.
Your mileage will likely not vary. It only takes two hours start to finish and even getting all the achievements wouldn’t add any more than an hour. It’s low-poly style mixed with lo-fi beats contributes to the soothing mood, but I recommend getting this on discount.
It’s $13 and I bought it on sale for $10. For just 20+ levels that can be cleared within minutes, with puzzles that are as complex as a maze on the back of a kid’s menu, I feel like $8 is a very suitable price for the amount of content.
I should note that I played the PS4 version. It and the Steam version are $13 while the mobile version on app stores is $5. I only now found out it was also a mobile game. Honestly, maybe that’s the superior version.
Your mileage will likely not vary. It only takes two hours start to finish and even getting all the achievements wouldn’t add any more than an hour. It’s low-poly style mixed with lo-fi beats contributes to the soothing mood, but I recommend getting this on discount.
It’s $13 and I bought it on sale for $10. For just 20+ levels that can be cleared within minutes, with puzzles that are as complex as a maze on the back of a kid’s menu, I feel like $8 is a very suitable price for the amount of content.
I should note that I played the PS4 version. It and the Steam version are $13 while the mobile version on app stores is $5. I only now found out it was also a mobile game. Honestly, maybe that’s the superior version.
2018
As an homage to games like Ninja Gaiden, it’s a challenging throwback with some platforming and traversal mechanics to keep it original. As a metroidvania, it’s bog-standard.
Once the game starts as a Ninja Gaiden-esque 2D sidescroller, it rarely lets up the fun. It throws all its best material at you: gliding, grappling hooks, a kickass chiptune soundtrack, and constant forward momentum. However, that momentum comes crashing to a halt afterwards.
When the game switches genres from 2D action sidescroller to metroidvania, you’re crammed with so much backtracking and aimlessly running from time warp to time warp that you start choking. Most of the game’s backtracking stems from the time travel mechanic. If there’s a way you’re supposed to be going and there’s a wall blocking the pathway, you’re in the wrong timeline. But instead of just switching timelines on the fly, you have to run back to a gate or hole in time to jump timelines and THEN you can proceed. This is just padding.
Bosses range from alright to annoying. A lot of them force you to wait for an opening to attack them instead of bosses from games like Mega Man or Shovel Knight that are almost always open to hit.
I 100%-ed the game and the reward is an honestly inferior item to its counterpart. It felt like the developers wanted to make two different kinds of games and Frankenstein them together rather than carefully blending the two genres. I would’ve preferred they stick with one or the other, particularly the Ninja Gaiden gameplay.
Once the game starts as a Ninja Gaiden-esque 2D sidescroller, it rarely lets up the fun. It throws all its best material at you: gliding, grappling hooks, a kickass chiptune soundtrack, and constant forward momentum. However, that momentum comes crashing to a halt afterwards.
When the game switches genres from 2D action sidescroller to metroidvania, you’re crammed with so much backtracking and aimlessly running from time warp to time warp that you start choking. Most of the game’s backtracking stems from the time travel mechanic. If there’s a way you’re supposed to be going and there’s a wall blocking the pathway, you’re in the wrong timeline. But instead of just switching timelines on the fly, you have to run back to a gate or hole in time to jump timelines and THEN you can proceed. This is just padding.
Bosses range from alright to annoying. A lot of them force you to wait for an opening to attack them instead of bosses from games like Mega Man or Shovel Knight that are almost always open to hit.
I 100%-ed the game and the reward is an honestly inferior item to its counterpart. It felt like the developers wanted to make two different kinds of games and Frankenstein them together rather than carefully blending the two genres. I would’ve preferred they stick with one or the other, particularly the Ninja Gaiden gameplay.
I'm such a zoomer I found out who Serious Sam is through this game.
2018
Make not brain-dead easy Kirby games challenge: FAILED
2019
It's one of THOSE games. Much like Tetris Effect, I'd describe it as more of an audiovisual experience than a game. Whereas Tetris Effect was puzzler with musical elements, Sayonara Wild Hearts is an arcade rhythm game.
The story- while basic in concept- is brought to life with brilliant execution in the aesthetic. This is one of the coolest looking indie games I've ever played, which is made all the more impressive given the small team at Simogo, who only have experience with mobile games.
Obviously the crown jewel is the audiovisual spectacle. If you like poppy colors (mostly purple) and synth-y pop music, you're gonna go nuts for this. The music is very much that style of 80s pop with modern synth-tech instrumentals.
The style of the game is like Scott Pilgrim meets Persona with a blue-purple filter. Travelling through subspace portals and battling arcana cards using your own arcana cards- like turning the Chariot into a sports car and Wheel of Fortune into a motorcycle- is mad kino.
As for the gameplay, it's actually pretty fun. While most levels are basic finger-sliding gameplay with the occasional rhythm-timed button press, the level design rarely gets creative. Only a few times did the game wow me with something I haven't seen recently or before.
Biggest issue with the game is the length. Like most audiovisual experiences, since it takes a lot of planning and effort to make the music and game feel sync up, you can blaze through the game in two hours at most. For $5/month on Apple Arcade that's fine, but $13 on console? Granted, there is replay value in aiming for gold medals, extra modes and in-game achievements. But if you're someone like me who values new experiences over replaying the same game but a little different, it won't reflect nicely on the game-price ratio.
Sayonara Wild Hearts is the kind of eyecandy game you sit back in the dark with a drink and just let wash over you. It's too short to leave a lasting impact, and you should wait for a sale of around $8-$10 before getting it, but it'll make for a jamming time.
The story- while basic in concept- is brought to life with brilliant execution in the aesthetic. This is one of the coolest looking indie games I've ever played, which is made all the more impressive given the small team at Simogo, who only have experience with mobile games.
Obviously the crown jewel is the audiovisual spectacle. If you like poppy colors (mostly purple) and synth-y pop music, you're gonna go nuts for this. The music is very much that style of 80s pop with modern synth-tech instrumentals.
The style of the game is like Scott Pilgrim meets Persona with a blue-purple filter. Travelling through subspace portals and battling arcana cards using your own arcana cards- like turning the Chariot into a sports car and Wheel of Fortune into a motorcycle- is mad kino.
As for the gameplay, it's actually pretty fun. While most levels are basic finger-sliding gameplay with the occasional rhythm-timed button press, the level design rarely gets creative. Only a few times did the game wow me with something I haven't seen recently or before.
Biggest issue with the game is the length. Like most audiovisual experiences, since it takes a lot of planning and effort to make the music and game feel sync up, you can blaze through the game in two hours at most. For $5/month on Apple Arcade that's fine, but $13 on console? Granted, there is replay value in aiming for gold medals, extra modes and in-game achievements. But if you're someone like me who values new experiences over replaying the same game but a little different, it won't reflect nicely on the game-price ratio.
Sayonara Wild Hearts is the kind of eyecandy game you sit back in the dark with a drink and just let wash over you. It's too short to leave a lasting impact, and you should wait for a sale of around $8-$10 before getting it, but it'll make for a jamming time.
2019
I bought every land and maxed out my level with every skill point. I am missing just one seal (the museum) and a couple treasures but I cleared all the dungeons and fought all the bosses including some hard optional ones. Also 20 hours in.
I put off getting Forager for the longest time because "numbers go up" type of games massage my monkey brain nicely. It's the kind of game I knew exactly what I wanted going in and got it: an addictive but laid back grind for the holiday break.
I expected there to be no story or characters, even though I seek out narrative-rich games. It's apparent from the get go, seeing how the forager is the most basic character design ever. Just throw on some podcasts and grind away, going from weak caveman to a science god.
The two big problems with this game are the performance and late game. I have no doubt the PC version is the superior way to play Forager. Early game it's fine but frame drops, slow down, occasional brief freezes and unacceptable load times become more common the further you go. Deadass some dungeons had >30 second load times come the last stretch. That's unacceptable for a pixel art indie game. I also grew tired of the upgrade system that relied on crafting the high tier materials. I hate it when these kinds of games have different crafting rates by rarity. Getting the materials for an electronic circuit board is way harder than turning thread into leather so why have the time differences? It exists only to make you wait. It turned my addiction into a feeling of "I just wanna be done" which is poor on any game.
I know I've been shitting on the game this whole time but that's because all my positives are tied to the anchor of "it's a grindy 'watch numbers go up'" game. Controls are good, combat is good, collecting things is fun, and the extra modes make for strong replay value.
If you're like me and enjoy the occasional grind-a-thon to kill some time and catch up on some podcasts, Forager scratches that itch satisfyingly enough. Get the PC version, though. And for maybe $12-$15 rather than $20.
I put off getting Forager for the longest time because "numbers go up" type of games massage my monkey brain nicely. It's the kind of game I knew exactly what I wanted going in and got it: an addictive but laid back grind for the holiday break.
I expected there to be no story or characters, even though I seek out narrative-rich games. It's apparent from the get go, seeing how the forager is the most basic character design ever. Just throw on some podcasts and grind away, going from weak caveman to a science god.
The two big problems with this game are the performance and late game. I have no doubt the PC version is the superior way to play Forager. Early game it's fine but frame drops, slow down, occasional brief freezes and unacceptable load times become more common the further you go. Deadass some dungeons had >30 second load times come the last stretch. That's unacceptable for a pixel art indie game. I also grew tired of the upgrade system that relied on crafting the high tier materials. I hate it when these kinds of games have different crafting rates by rarity. Getting the materials for an electronic circuit board is way harder than turning thread into leather so why have the time differences? It exists only to make you wait. It turned my addiction into a feeling of "I just wanna be done" which is poor on any game.
I know I've been shitting on the game this whole time but that's because all my positives are tied to the anchor of "it's a grindy 'watch numbers go up'" game. Controls are good, combat is good, collecting things is fun, and the extra modes make for strong replay value.
If you're like me and enjoy the occasional grind-a-thon to kill some time and catch up on some podcasts, Forager scratches that itch satisfyingly enough. Get the PC version, though. And for maybe $12-$15 rather than $20.
2019
It's probably the greatest battle royale ever made.
2019
Fun puzzle fighter-like game. It's a shame this was the last Nicalis game before they were burned to the ground.
2019
Kingdom Hearts is notorious for its confusing and incomprehensible story with a novel’s worth of backstory and history. However, KH3 is comparatively simpler... because it’s very choppy.
The main goal for most of the game is to unlock the “power of waking,” but aside from that, the storyline of KH3 is placed on the back burner to tell each episodic Disney world’s story. The real plot of the game only commences after every Disney world is completed.
And even then, it’s less of a “plot” and more of a “climax.” All the pieces fall into place that the series has built up for over a decade, and then shit just explodes. Although it trades out story beats and cohesive, permeating themes for anime battle after anime battle.
The worst part about the story this time around is with the presentation. The divide in voice acting quality between good and bad is day and night. Typically, the Disney characters are fine, with the occasional exception due to a replacement for an actor they couldn’t get. But everyone else is the most mixed of bags. The few good voices like Larxene and Xemnas are outnumbered by robotic, unemotional performances for characters such as Sora, Riku, Ienzo, etc.
Visually, KH3 is a knockout, as per the usual Square Enix affair. The worlds are detailed and sprawling and are accompanied with music remixed from Disney movies or built from the ground up. Standouts in this aspect are the Tangled, Toy Story, and Pirates of the Caribbean worlds. The quality in levels vary depending on length and the variety of missions. Some are relatively brief and fun and some go on for way too long or have you do boring, repetitive missions. Favorite world was Big Hero 6 and least favorite was Frozen.
Combat in KH3 is pretty fleshed out for as many mechanics there are, but nothing felt as efficient or faster than just mashing X and occasionally pressing triangle to do a special move. Basic attacks that would be repetitive are kept fun with Keyblade form changing. Sharp, poignant sound effects and the spectacle of watching Sora flip and fly around as you eventually power him up to double-digit combos. The specials, however, vary GREATLY in fun and worth the time.
Donald has two good team attacks, but Goofy only has one. His other sucks. Ascending forms like the Second Form is really only good for small power increases and crowd control, but Rage Form is tight as shit because you “Nothing personnel, kid” all over the place creating ten slashes per second. Finally, the attractions. I could’ve done without them. And I did. After the Toy Story world, I got so fed up with how certain attractions like Blaster Blaze and Magic Carousel destroyed the pace of a fight, I almost stopped using them entirely. Magic was only useful for healing myself better than potions and occasional fireballs. Magic just felt way weaker and slower than my Keyblade that I didn’t bother with it.
Same with Links, or “summons.” There’s only five summons in the whole game, and they range from “okay” to “worthless.” Once again, I’d rather just smack dudes with my big strong key.
Cooking in KH3... is shit. The cooking minigames with Remy are so dull and boring that I cooked exactly twice in my entire playthrough and then never fucked with it again. I never even consumed a cooked meal once. Every ingredient I found was turned into money immediately.
Lucky Emblems are probably the coolest part of the game. Hidden Mickey Mouse symbols in every world that you take pictures of and explore the area to find and are rewarded with treasures. They’re like Koroks from BotW except not quite as useful.
The LCD minigames... are worthless. What was the point of them? Little distractions? They offer you nothing for playing them and there are so many that you have to find. Every time I opened a chest and got one, I groaned audibly.
The Gummi sections have been improved with open exploration and flying through secret areas for treasure, although I skipped constructing a ship and just bought pre-set ships because I didn’t feel like fucking with the unintuitive ship design features.
The main problem with Kingdom Hearts 3 is the style over the substance that doesn’t service the game as much as it should. I found myself ignoring a number of features and mechanics I decided weren’t worth the trouble and still progressed through the game just fine. The attractions, summons, LCD games, Ratatouille cooking, all shit I stopped fucking with immediately or after a few uses. I am of the opinion that if you’re going to add a component into a game, it should be a bare minimum amount of fun and good. These mostly were not.
The saddest part is that this time around, Square Enix has chosen to embrace the Disney side more than the Final Fantasy side, because aside from Moogles, there are ZERO Final Fantasy characters in KH3. But... why though? Isn’t that half the point of Kingdom Hearts?
The last thing to say about KH3 is its ending. It’s got near-Nintendo levels of “You thought the game was over? HA! You RETARD!” The climax, while barebones in the story aspect, is pretty hype in terms of gameplay and scope. I won’t spoil out of consideration, but shit hits the fan in grandiose ways only JRPGs can do.
Speaking of shit hitting the fan, the cutscenes. ...A nuisance. They go on for way too long and are stuffed to bursting with expository dialogue and awkward anime noises the characters make way too often.
Kingdom Hearts 3 is a weak conclusion for what was supposed to be a legendary series with the highest legacy, but the Xehanort Saga was too convoluted for its own good. It may not be a dumpster fire, but it’s also no gold standard action RPG.
The main goal for most of the game is to unlock the “power of waking,” but aside from that, the storyline of KH3 is placed on the back burner to tell each episodic Disney world’s story. The real plot of the game only commences after every Disney world is completed.
And even then, it’s less of a “plot” and more of a “climax.” All the pieces fall into place that the series has built up for over a decade, and then shit just explodes. Although it trades out story beats and cohesive, permeating themes for anime battle after anime battle.
The worst part about the story this time around is with the presentation. The divide in voice acting quality between good and bad is day and night. Typically, the Disney characters are fine, with the occasional exception due to a replacement for an actor they couldn’t get. But everyone else is the most mixed of bags. The few good voices like Larxene and Xemnas are outnumbered by robotic, unemotional performances for characters such as Sora, Riku, Ienzo, etc.
Visually, KH3 is a knockout, as per the usual Square Enix affair. The worlds are detailed and sprawling and are accompanied with music remixed from Disney movies or built from the ground up. Standouts in this aspect are the Tangled, Toy Story, and Pirates of the Caribbean worlds. The quality in levels vary depending on length and the variety of missions. Some are relatively brief and fun and some go on for way too long or have you do boring, repetitive missions. Favorite world was Big Hero 6 and least favorite was Frozen.
Combat in KH3 is pretty fleshed out for as many mechanics there are, but nothing felt as efficient or faster than just mashing X and occasionally pressing triangle to do a special move. Basic attacks that would be repetitive are kept fun with Keyblade form changing. Sharp, poignant sound effects and the spectacle of watching Sora flip and fly around as you eventually power him up to double-digit combos. The specials, however, vary GREATLY in fun and worth the time.
Donald has two good team attacks, but Goofy only has one. His other sucks. Ascending forms like the Second Form is really only good for small power increases and crowd control, but Rage Form is tight as shit because you “Nothing personnel, kid” all over the place creating ten slashes per second. Finally, the attractions. I could’ve done without them. And I did. After the Toy Story world, I got so fed up with how certain attractions like Blaster Blaze and Magic Carousel destroyed the pace of a fight, I almost stopped using them entirely. Magic was only useful for healing myself better than potions and occasional fireballs. Magic just felt way weaker and slower than my Keyblade that I didn’t bother with it.
Same with Links, or “summons.” There’s only five summons in the whole game, and they range from “okay” to “worthless.” Once again, I’d rather just smack dudes with my big strong key.
Cooking in KH3... is shit. The cooking minigames with Remy are so dull and boring that I cooked exactly twice in my entire playthrough and then never fucked with it again. I never even consumed a cooked meal once. Every ingredient I found was turned into money immediately.
Lucky Emblems are probably the coolest part of the game. Hidden Mickey Mouse symbols in every world that you take pictures of and explore the area to find and are rewarded with treasures. They’re like Koroks from BotW except not quite as useful.
The LCD minigames... are worthless. What was the point of them? Little distractions? They offer you nothing for playing them and there are so many that you have to find. Every time I opened a chest and got one, I groaned audibly.
The Gummi sections have been improved with open exploration and flying through secret areas for treasure, although I skipped constructing a ship and just bought pre-set ships because I didn’t feel like fucking with the unintuitive ship design features.
The main problem with Kingdom Hearts 3 is the style over the substance that doesn’t service the game as much as it should. I found myself ignoring a number of features and mechanics I decided weren’t worth the trouble and still progressed through the game just fine. The attractions, summons, LCD games, Ratatouille cooking, all shit I stopped fucking with immediately or after a few uses. I am of the opinion that if you’re going to add a component into a game, it should be a bare minimum amount of fun and good. These mostly were not.
The saddest part is that this time around, Square Enix has chosen to embrace the Disney side more than the Final Fantasy side, because aside from Moogles, there are ZERO Final Fantasy characters in KH3. But... why though? Isn’t that half the point of Kingdom Hearts?
The last thing to say about KH3 is its ending. It’s got near-Nintendo levels of “You thought the game was over? HA! You RETARD!” The climax, while barebones in the story aspect, is pretty hype in terms of gameplay and scope. I won’t spoil out of consideration, but shit hits the fan in grandiose ways only JRPGs can do.
Speaking of shit hitting the fan, the cutscenes. ...A nuisance. They go on for way too long and are stuffed to bursting with expository dialogue and awkward anime noises the characters make way too often.
Kingdom Hearts 3 is a weak conclusion for what was supposed to be a legendary series with the highest legacy, but the Xehanort Saga was too convoluted for its own good. It may not be a dumpster fire, but it’s also no gold standard action RPG.
This review contains spoilers
It took me one month and 50 hours of gameplay, but I finally did it: I beat Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Crimson Flower route. It is my second time ever playing a Fire Emblem game, the first being FE7 on Wii U Virtual Console. I had never been big into the series- I did pour over a shit-load of hours into FEH for a while- but, like many new things, I was willing to try the newest entry on Switch. Having surrounded myself with friends who are big fans of the franchise- my best friend especially- and the general rising of FE's popularity, it seemed like Three Houses was going to be a popular, talked-about game. And sure enough, as soon it came out, almost everyone I knew that played video games was either talking about the game, complaining about how they were struggling to find a copy, and lamenting missing out on the launch weekend. Despite not pre-ordering, I was fortunate to get it launch after biking nine miles to my nearest GameStop in the morning. (Leg gang.) And after fifty hours and 1000 characters in, I can confidently say I am... not too impressed with what I have played.
Spoilers for Black Eagles and the timeskip.
Before I get into what I feel made the game a unique experience and what made it yawn-inducing and grating, there's one aspect about the game that doesn't fit with the review of the game, but with the marketing behind it. To keep things concise: I hate that the timeskip was not a surprise. During Nintendo's E3 2019 presentation, a month and a half before the game launched, the timeskip was revealed and while many were met with shock and awe, I was met with confusion and disappointment. How awesome would it have been to have discovered the timeskip for the first time in the game without IntSys spoiling it? Even the opening intro and the back of the box doesn't show the timeskip. Call me an Info Wars soldier, but methinks the timeskip that was supposed to be a surpirse was used as a marketing tactic, but IntSys decided to make a trailer from it during E3- the biggest event in gaming- and increase the game's appeal. I may be in the minority on this one but it was disheartening to see something that had the potential to be so impactful be wasted, and it honestly decreased my hype in the game.
Now, to get into the actual game, first the good shit:
-The character writing is gooooooooooooooooood. FE7 had room temperature character writing with the occasional burst of personality and charm, but IntSys clearly placed all their chips on the dynamics between characters and it paid off in spades. The voice acting is also surprisingly great. Usually with RPGs, English dialogue is very hit or miss, but I'm happy to say the actors did a great job bringing the characters to life and showcasing their personalities through their inflections. I was expecting to love some Black Eagles students and dislike others, but not a single one is forgettable or lame. For those who need the definitive Black Eagles student tier list (not counting Edelgard because duh):
Ferdinand>Linhardt>Hubert>Petra>Dorothea>Caspar>Bernadetta
Instead of lining your Pokédex with units that you'll never use (which you still kinda do but the game places focus on the students so it's comparatively better) you get to see how the events of the story affect the characters and how their world views and personalities affect the story and each other. Ferdinand and Linhardt in particular are two total chads who I thought were going to be one-note "muh nobility" and "muh naps" respectively, but they quickly grew on me to become my favorites, which was further enhanced by...
-The support system, when compared to FE7, beats the pants off it. In FE7, I had zero idea how supports were triggered. I would put my units next to each other and randomly a Support command with come up. In Three Houses, everything is laid out in clear terms and building supports between units is simple and easy. My only gripe with supports in this game is that it sometimes has characters get into arguments or fights, with obviously negative outcomes, yet according to the game, their bond had deepened. Seemed like a case of story-gameplay dissonance (get used to seeing that phrase).
-The main gameplay is solid. I kinda miss the weapon triangle, as instead of picking groups of units to put forward to best handle a situation, now it becomes a matter of putting your strongest units first. Aside from that, combat arts and battalions seemed like bigger additions than they actually were. Combat arts are huge in the early game, but as soon as your characters' stats get high enough, you almost never need them. Kinda similar thing with battalions too but slightly more useful. Map designs were nice to look at from the perspective of emulating a tabletop strategy game, but sadly lacked much variety in terms of obstacles. Divine Pulse is a great mechanic that should be in every strategy RPG, although gaining so many charges for it seemed like overkill. I thought getting a maximum of five would've been the sweet spot.
-Music is good. Paralogue theme is a banger... that's all I really gotta say about that.
-Edelgard was a refreshing protagonist to follow. Instead of being a lawful good lord who is incapable of doing anything bad unless influenced by an outside force, she is a believable portrait of a person doing bad things with good intentions. Her goal is to end the secret oppression of the country under a monster's rule via the church, but said rule isn't really hurting anyone. The church crushes opposition and subtly hints that it's doing immoral things in an effort to keep its reign. Her wanting to end that reign and allow people to rule is admirable, but also she had to do some awful things to get to a position to challenge the church. Whether it was her fault or not, the blood of countless innocents- like Remire Village- are on her hands. The only time I thought her to be retarded was the whole Flame Emperor thing. The way I see it, she worked with Those Who Slither in the Dark to disrupt the church and find weakness in it so that she could strike. But all Slither does are torment innocents and try to steal Relics. When she launched her assault on the Holy Tomb after becoming emperor, she didn't have Slither (aside from their Demonic Beasts which could've easily just not have been there in place of more Imperial soliders) there to help. So what was the point in allying with terrorists? One could chalk it up to a poorly thought-out plan, or a poorly thought-out plot...
Okay now the poopy stuff.
-Everyone who says Three Houses has the best plot in the series has made me question the quality of the series' plot writing as a whole. The story of Three Houses, while it sets up clear goals, is riddled with poorly explained plot points and ridiculous immersion-shattering moments. There were multiple times I saw a villain, and thought "Oh, that's _____" and I was right every time. There are Scooby-Doo levels of plot twists and rubber masks, and it always took me out of the game when I thought "Oh wow, I wonder who this new guy is. Oh yeah, it's _____" and my eyes roll into the back of my head. Then I correctly guessed Edelgard was the Flame Emperor and I had permanently checked out of the story. It didn't help that the game may as well have had a sign hover over Edelgard saying "Hey, wouldn't it be crazy if I were the Flame Emperor? You'd still like me, right, Byleth-sensei?" The story post-timeskip is better but that's only because it goes from a mess of """""plot twists""""" to a basic war story. It goes one battle after another until credits roll.
-Byleth is a terrible character and actively drags down the game. They're a self-insert blank slate, yet has a canon personality, that being one of a self-insert blank slate. Fucking what? I admit, I have a bias against silent protagonists (there's like, five good ones) but at least with blank slates like Link or Frisk you can say you're projecting onto them. You can't really say you're projecting onto Byleth, because Byleth is canonically a doll with no feelings or emotions, so anything you project onto them is not you, it's them. On top of being a silent robot, I will die on the hill that Byleth is a Mary Sue. Call it a cliche criticism, but what else do you call a character who:
-Becomes a professor at a school instantly
-Gets handed legendary weapons like they're Costco free samples
-Is beloved by everyone and everyone who hates/dislikes them is evil and dies
-Has loli dragon God sealed inside her and is granted the power to turn back time
-FUSES WITH GOD
The only bad things that ever happened to Byleth are their birth and Jeralt's death. Their birth made her the god emperor but killed their mother, but that really only affected Jeralt, not Byleth. Jeralt's death was the only thing that got them to show emotion but they get over it after a month and after fusing with God, it's no longer an issue. Anything else that ever happens to Byleth is purely in their benefit and works towards putting them up on an untouchable elder-god pedestal. Meanwhile, Awakening gave us Robin, a customizable protagonist with a defined personality, wit, and isn't an unstoppable god, who actually is technically the antagonist of the game. The game honestly would've been much better if you just took Byleth out entirely and made your House leader the main playable character.
-The game ain't a looker. Character models look good... that's about it. Environments are drab with textures befitting the PS2, animations are recycled among many characters, there are framerate drops when running around the monastery and during attacks with a lot of particle effects (magic) happen, and the resolution gives the whole game this jagged pixelation on certain parts. Also I'm gonna be that asshole and say it: I don't like how cutscenes look. There are three kinds: textbox cutscenes, in-game graphic cutscenes, and the fully-animated cutscenes by studio Sanzigen. The in-game cutscenes look the best and the Sanizgen cutscenes are directed more beautifully than they look, but I have a bone to pick with the presentation of the textbox cutscenes. The colored borders are fine, I guess, coupled with the huge textboxes and portraits. I don't understand why we need to see a picture of the character's face while their character model is on the screen physically emoting. At least in games like Persona 5 the camera angles are more dynamic in its textbox cutscenes.
-The monastery gameplay, although tolerable at first, I ultimately grew to ignore. Getting stat bonuses and renown for doing quests to level up the party and more character dialogue is the only thing worth experiencing, and even then, I could only take so much. After hours spent running around doing fetch quests, giving out lost items like I was operating an assembly line, and I was begging to go back to the actual gameplay, but I knew if I didn't do the monastery gameplay, I wouldn't be getting support points, stat boosts and renown, so throughout part one, I had to grit my teeth and bear it. Once part two hit and the monastery thinned out, I mainly did seminars and rest weeks for motivation and magic sword juice.
-Menu-ing in this game is lowkey a nightmare. Support menus are simple and clean, but then you have your item inventory. Are you about to set out on a mission and are performing your check for every unit and their items and/or need to buy new weapons or forge or repair? Have fun dicking around your storehouse and trading menus for 5-10 minutes every time just to make sure no one is under prepared or are carrying too much. I wish there were more streamlined menu layouts, like not having a separate command for trading, or little button prompts asking me if I would like to switch out an iron sword for a steel sword a unit is able to use in the storage.
Overall, I'd rate my experience with Fire Emblem: Three Houses a 6/10. I felt similarly to this game how I felt playing Kingdom Hearts 3 earlier in the year. Both have bad stories, both have issues that undercut the moment-to-moment pacing, and I was happy to be done with both not because I was eager to see the ending, but that so I could say I played the game and form an opinion on it. I also gave KH3 a 6/10, but I will be fair and say Three Houses edges it out ever so slightly. I currently have zero motivation in playing the other routes or buy the DLC and if I one day feel the urge, I'll just go watch the cutscenes on YouTube because the thought of replaying part one again just with different characters is about as realistic to me as a Hresvelg family reunion is to Edelgard.
Finally, to those who say I can't judge the game because I only played one path and not all three (and yes, there are only three paths, don't you dare try to convince me otherwise) if you can invent a time machine and give me back the 50 hours of my life I spent playing the game, I'll never talk about Fire Emblem again. Until then, kindly keep your brainlet takes to yourself.
Spoilers for Black Eagles and the timeskip.
Before I get into what I feel made the game a unique experience and what made it yawn-inducing and grating, there's one aspect about the game that doesn't fit with the review of the game, but with the marketing behind it. To keep things concise: I hate that the timeskip was not a surprise. During Nintendo's E3 2019 presentation, a month and a half before the game launched, the timeskip was revealed and while many were met with shock and awe, I was met with confusion and disappointment. How awesome would it have been to have discovered the timeskip for the first time in the game without IntSys spoiling it? Even the opening intro and the back of the box doesn't show the timeskip. Call me an Info Wars soldier, but methinks the timeskip that was supposed to be a surpirse was used as a marketing tactic, but IntSys decided to make a trailer from it during E3- the biggest event in gaming- and increase the game's appeal. I may be in the minority on this one but it was disheartening to see something that had the potential to be so impactful be wasted, and it honestly decreased my hype in the game.
Now, to get into the actual game, first the good shit:
-The character writing is gooooooooooooooooood. FE7 had room temperature character writing with the occasional burst of personality and charm, but IntSys clearly placed all their chips on the dynamics between characters and it paid off in spades. The voice acting is also surprisingly great. Usually with RPGs, English dialogue is very hit or miss, but I'm happy to say the actors did a great job bringing the characters to life and showcasing their personalities through their inflections. I was expecting to love some Black Eagles students and dislike others, but not a single one is forgettable or lame. For those who need the definitive Black Eagles student tier list (not counting Edelgard because duh):
Ferdinand>Linhardt>Hubert>Petra>Dorothea>Caspar>Bernadetta
Instead of lining your Pokédex with units that you'll never use (which you still kinda do but the game places focus on the students so it's comparatively better) you get to see how the events of the story affect the characters and how their world views and personalities affect the story and each other. Ferdinand and Linhardt in particular are two total chads who I thought were going to be one-note "muh nobility" and "muh naps" respectively, but they quickly grew on me to become my favorites, which was further enhanced by...
-The support system, when compared to FE7, beats the pants off it. In FE7, I had zero idea how supports were triggered. I would put my units next to each other and randomly a Support command with come up. In Three Houses, everything is laid out in clear terms and building supports between units is simple and easy. My only gripe with supports in this game is that it sometimes has characters get into arguments or fights, with obviously negative outcomes, yet according to the game, their bond had deepened. Seemed like a case of story-gameplay dissonance (get used to seeing that phrase).
-The main gameplay is solid. I kinda miss the weapon triangle, as instead of picking groups of units to put forward to best handle a situation, now it becomes a matter of putting your strongest units first. Aside from that, combat arts and battalions seemed like bigger additions than they actually were. Combat arts are huge in the early game, but as soon as your characters' stats get high enough, you almost never need them. Kinda similar thing with battalions too but slightly more useful. Map designs were nice to look at from the perspective of emulating a tabletop strategy game, but sadly lacked much variety in terms of obstacles. Divine Pulse is a great mechanic that should be in every strategy RPG, although gaining so many charges for it seemed like overkill. I thought getting a maximum of five would've been the sweet spot.
-Music is good. Paralogue theme is a banger... that's all I really gotta say about that.
-Edelgard was a refreshing protagonist to follow. Instead of being a lawful good lord who is incapable of doing anything bad unless influenced by an outside force, she is a believable portrait of a person doing bad things with good intentions. Her goal is to end the secret oppression of the country under a monster's rule via the church, but said rule isn't really hurting anyone. The church crushes opposition and subtly hints that it's doing immoral things in an effort to keep its reign. Her wanting to end that reign and allow people to rule is admirable, but also she had to do some awful things to get to a position to challenge the church. Whether it was her fault or not, the blood of countless innocents- like Remire Village- are on her hands. The only time I thought her to be retarded was the whole Flame Emperor thing. The way I see it, she worked with Those Who Slither in the Dark to disrupt the church and find weakness in it so that she could strike. But all Slither does are torment innocents and try to steal Relics. When she launched her assault on the Holy Tomb after becoming emperor, she didn't have Slither (aside from their Demonic Beasts which could've easily just not have been there in place of more Imperial soliders) there to help. So what was the point in allying with terrorists? One could chalk it up to a poorly thought-out plan, or a poorly thought-out plot...
Okay now the poopy stuff.
-Everyone who says Three Houses has the best plot in the series has made me question the quality of the series' plot writing as a whole. The story of Three Houses, while it sets up clear goals, is riddled with poorly explained plot points and ridiculous immersion-shattering moments. There were multiple times I saw a villain, and thought "Oh, that's _____" and I was right every time. There are Scooby-Doo levels of plot twists and rubber masks, and it always took me out of the game when I thought "Oh wow, I wonder who this new guy is. Oh yeah, it's _____" and my eyes roll into the back of my head. Then I correctly guessed Edelgard was the Flame Emperor and I had permanently checked out of the story. It didn't help that the game may as well have had a sign hover over Edelgard saying "Hey, wouldn't it be crazy if I were the Flame Emperor? You'd still like me, right, Byleth-sensei?" The story post-timeskip is better but that's only because it goes from a mess of """""plot twists""""" to a basic war story. It goes one battle after another until credits roll.
-Byleth is a terrible character and actively drags down the game. They're a self-insert blank slate, yet has a canon personality, that being one of a self-insert blank slate. Fucking what? I admit, I have a bias against silent protagonists (there's like, five good ones) but at least with blank slates like Link or Frisk you can say you're projecting onto them. You can't really say you're projecting onto Byleth, because Byleth is canonically a doll with no feelings or emotions, so anything you project onto them is not you, it's them. On top of being a silent robot, I will die on the hill that Byleth is a Mary Sue. Call it a cliche criticism, but what else do you call a character who:
-Becomes a professor at a school instantly
-Gets handed legendary weapons like they're Costco free samples
-Is beloved by everyone and everyone who hates/dislikes them is evil and dies
-Has loli dragon God sealed inside her and is granted the power to turn back time
-FUSES WITH GOD
The only bad things that ever happened to Byleth are their birth and Jeralt's death. Their birth made her the god emperor but killed their mother, but that really only affected Jeralt, not Byleth. Jeralt's death was the only thing that got them to show emotion but they get over it after a month and after fusing with God, it's no longer an issue. Anything else that ever happens to Byleth is purely in their benefit and works towards putting them up on an untouchable elder-god pedestal. Meanwhile, Awakening gave us Robin, a customizable protagonist with a defined personality, wit, and isn't an unstoppable god, who actually is technically the antagonist of the game. The game honestly would've been much better if you just took Byleth out entirely and made your House leader the main playable character.
-The game ain't a looker. Character models look good... that's about it. Environments are drab with textures befitting the PS2, animations are recycled among many characters, there are framerate drops when running around the monastery and during attacks with a lot of particle effects (magic) happen, and the resolution gives the whole game this jagged pixelation on certain parts. Also I'm gonna be that asshole and say it: I don't like how cutscenes look. There are three kinds: textbox cutscenes, in-game graphic cutscenes, and the fully-animated cutscenes by studio Sanzigen. The in-game cutscenes look the best and the Sanizgen cutscenes are directed more beautifully than they look, but I have a bone to pick with the presentation of the textbox cutscenes. The colored borders are fine, I guess, coupled with the huge textboxes and portraits. I don't understand why we need to see a picture of the character's face while their character model is on the screen physically emoting. At least in games like Persona 5 the camera angles are more dynamic in its textbox cutscenes.
-The monastery gameplay, although tolerable at first, I ultimately grew to ignore. Getting stat bonuses and renown for doing quests to level up the party and more character dialogue is the only thing worth experiencing, and even then, I could only take so much. After hours spent running around doing fetch quests, giving out lost items like I was operating an assembly line, and I was begging to go back to the actual gameplay, but I knew if I didn't do the monastery gameplay, I wouldn't be getting support points, stat boosts and renown, so throughout part one, I had to grit my teeth and bear it. Once part two hit and the monastery thinned out, I mainly did seminars and rest weeks for motivation and magic sword juice.
-Menu-ing in this game is lowkey a nightmare. Support menus are simple and clean, but then you have your item inventory. Are you about to set out on a mission and are performing your check for every unit and their items and/or need to buy new weapons or forge or repair? Have fun dicking around your storehouse and trading menus for 5-10 minutes every time just to make sure no one is under prepared or are carrying too much. I wish there were more streamlined menu layouts, like not having a separate command for trading, or little button prompts asking me if I would like to switch out an iron sword for a steel sword a unit is able to use in the storage.
Overall, I'd rate my experience with Fire Emblem: Three Houses a 6/10. I felt similarly to this game how I felt playing Kingdom Hearts 3 earlier in the year. Both have bad stories, both have issues that undercut the moment-to-moment pacing, and I was happy to be done with both not because I was eager to see the ending, but that so I could say I played the game and form an opinion on it. I also gave KH3 a 6/10, but I will be fair and say Three Houses edges it out ever so slightly. I currently have zero motivation in playing the other routes or buy the DLC and if I one day feel the urge, I'll just go watch the cutscenes on YouTube because the thought of replaying part one again just with different characters is about as realistic to me as a Hresvelg family reunion is to Edelgard.
Finally, to those who say I can't judge the game because I only played one path and not all three (and yes, there are only three paths, don't you dare try to convince me otherwise) if you can invent a time machine and give me back the 50 hours of my life I spent playing the game, I'll never talk about Fire Emblem again. Until then, kindly keep your brainlet takes to yourself.
2015
It's biggest issues are its tandem level design and checkpoint system. A lot of obstacles feel cheap with little time to prepare the first time.
Death usually puts you at the start of a level. The thing is, the levels are fairly short. They'll take two minutes in one run at most, but dying to obstacles you weren't aware of the first time extend the playtime quite a bit. It's certainly harder than the original, but also more varied in gameplay. You'll be riding on pandas, shooting dudes on horseback, escaping dinosaurs, and even flying in Star Fox-esque segments. I'd say both games are 7/10 experiences; impressive for being made by two people.
Death usually puts you at the start of a level. The thing is, the levels are fairly short. They'll take two minutes in one run at most, but dying to obstacles you weren't aware of the first time extend the playtime quite a bit. It's certainly harder than the original, but also more varied in gameplay. You'll be riding on pandas, shooting dudes on horseback, escaping dinosaurs, and even flying in Star Fox-esque segments. I'd say both games are 7/10 experiences; impressive for being made by two people.
2012
It's one of the best Mega Man clones for $2. Good shit.
Mechstermination Force is a bit of a departure from the Gunman Clive games. Instead of sidescrolling 2D Mega Man platforming, it’s a run-n-gun boss rush. Full disclosure: this is no Cuphead.
Fans of the Gunman Clive games like me will immediately notice the razor-tight controls are gone. You’re faster, and you slide when turning around instead of turning instantly, making it feel like you’re on ice. That’d be fine if there were no platforming to do and you were just avoiding enemy fire... but you’re often platforming around the boss or inside it. Already the tight satisfaction of controlling Clive is removed in the name of a faster but looser feeling of movement. Compared to Cuphead, that has tighter controls and mechanics that provide better movement than just “a double jump,” my first impression of the game was sour.
Thankfully the game is hard carried by the combat. It’s basic “shoot at the boss until he dies” but with one twist: red weak points that can only be destroyed via a sledgehammer swing. It doesn’t make sense why a sledgehammer damages these more than my laser gun, but it’s fun.
The simple act of shooting is satisfying. In GC you shoot in intervals of three bullets, but in MF, it’s a rapid stream of lasers with constant “pew” sounds, and your bullets have infinite range, so going full depressed high school student in the cafeteria is valid strategy. The best part about MF are the bosses. Some of them are kinda cheap like the lava snake and the King Kong boss, but there’s several bosses that felt like I was scaling them SotC-style to blow them to pieces from the outside and inside. All backed by a more modern soundtrack.
The art style retires the sketchy western aesthetic for a generic modern technicolor army look, but while the settings vary in quality and inspiration, the bosses all have distinct looks and attack patterns. Some are more memorable than others but there’s a good spread. And then the final boss comes and instead of fighting it normally, you’re thrown into a mech suit and are greeted with some of the worst controls I’ve used all year. You shoot in the direction you move in 360 degrees instead of just making it a twin-stick shooter. Awful climax.
The hub world seems unnecessary. All you do is shop and select levels to play. It could’ve easily been truncated to a menu to speed up the moment-to-moment gameplay instead of wasting time running and jumping to each location.
Mechstermination Force was at its best when the platforming was minimized and the combat was emphasized. According to
Bertil Horberg, the game isn’t performing well and he decided to cut people from his team and return to being a solo developer. Between him and Image & Form, Sweden is making a case for hosting some of the best indie devs in the game right now. While MF doesn’t shine as much as its predecessor, I look forward to seeing Hörberg’s next title and a return to form I know he’s capable of.
Fans of the Gunman Clive games like me will immediately notice the razor-tight controls are gone. You’re faster, and you slide when turning around instead of turning instantly, making it feel like you’re on ice. That’d be fine if there were no platforming to do and you were just avoiding enemy fire... but you’re often platforming around the boss or inside it. Already the tight satisfaction of controlling Clive is removed in the name of a faster but looser feeling of movement. Compared to Cuphead, that has tighter controls and mechanics that provide better movement than just “a double jump,” my first impression of the game was sour.
Thankfully the game is hard carried by the combat. It’s basic “shoot at the boss until he dies” but with one twist: red weak points that can only be destroyed via a sledgehammer swing. It doesn’t make sense why a sledgehammer damages these more than my laser gun, but it’s fun.
The simple act of shooting is satisfying. In GC you shoot in intervals of three bullets, but in MF, it’s a rapid stream of lasers with constant “pew” sounds, and your bullets have infinite range, so going full depressed high school student in the cafeteria is valid strategy. The best part about MF are the bosses. Some of them are kinda cheap like the lava snake and the King Kong boss, but there’s several bosses that felt like I was scaling them SotC-style to blow them to pieces from the outside and inside. All backed by a more modern soundtrack.
The art style retires the sketchy western aesthetic for a generic modern technicolor army look, but while the settings vary in quality and inspiration, the bosses all have distinct looks and attack patterns. Some are more memorable than others but there’s a good spread. And then the final boss comes and instead of fighting it normally, you’re thrown into a mech suit and are greeted with some of the worst controls I’ve used all year. You shoot in the direction you move in 360 degrees instead of just making it a twin-stick shooter. Awful climax.
The hub world seems unnecessary. All you do is shop and select levels to play. It could’ve easily been truncated to a menu to speed up the moment-to-moment gameplay instead of wasting time running and jumping to each location.
Mechstermination Force was at its best when the platforming was minimized and the combat was emphasized. According to
Bertil Horberg, the game isn’t performing well and he decided to cut people from his team and return to being a solo developer. Between him and Image & Form, Sweden is making a case for hosting some of the best indie devs in the game right now. While MF doesn’t shine as much as its predecessor, I look forward to seeing Hörberg’s next title and a return to form I know he’s capable of.
What a doooooowngrade. I can’t remember the last time I played a game where the sequel was a step down from its predecessor. For every step forward it made, it took three steps back.
Improving upon the original: the story is more important, there are characters (who don’t do much) that flesh out the cast, and difficulty has received a huge adjustment.
Helix Gun and homing missiles are no more, as guns and sub-weapons have been nerfed. Unfortunately, it seems “easiness” was replaced with an arsenal of gun types that are overall weak, many types of mines that I never used, and a new slew of sub-weapons.
Although aside from utility, each one essentially replaces the other. Why use the triple missiles when I can shoot a string of homing missiles? Why use a string of homing missiles when I can dash into bad guys and steal their energy?
Speaking of energy, the GAIA system: I kinda mildly dislike it. Sure, it’s fun to drop from a high perch and watch green particles flow into the tank, but there were a good number of times where my SP gauge went out before I could cross a gap so I just had to sit and wait. It gets worse with each SP gauge extension.
Backtracking and padding are the game’s two biggest sins. Despite utilizing several small world maps, there is NO fast travel system, meaning over an hour of your playthrough will be spent backtracking. Why fast travel wasn’t implemented is beyond me.
This game is padded about as well as a children’s pillow. So many planetoids act as filler levels to get a map to another planetoids. I don’t understand why they just cut out the filler nonsense.
Improving upon the original: the story is more important, there are characters (who don’t do much) that flesh out the cast, and difficulty has received a huge adjustment.
Helix Gun and homing missiles are no more, as guns and sub-weapons have been nerfed. Unfortunately, it seems “easiness” was replaced with an arsenal of gun types that are overall weak, many types of mines that I never used, and a new slew of sub-weapons.
Although aside from utility, each one essentially replaces the other. Why use the triple missiles when I can shoot a string of homing missiles? Why use a string of homing missiles when I can dash into bad guys and steal their energy?
Speaking of energy, the GAIA system: I kinda mildly dislike it. Sure, it’s fun to drop from a high perch and watch green particles flow into the tank, but there were a good number of times where my SP gauge went out before I could cross a gap so I just had to sit and wait. It gets worse with each SP gauge extension.
Backtracking and padding are the game’s two biggest sins. Despite utilizing several small world maps, there is NO fast travel system, meaning over an hour of your playthrough will be spent backtracking. Why fast travel wasn’t implemented is beyond me.
This game is padded about as well as a children’s pillow. So many planetoids act as filler levels to get a map to another planetoids. I don’t understand why they just cut out the filler nonsense.