Ok story time, so basically 3 years back I was on the brim of failure, I wanted to call it quits and I wanted to kill myself and my family, and one day while I was playing Peggle, I realised the beauty of life and how simple life can be, I started to realise that I'm not these feelings and I don't need to be, I have a poop fetish and I love shoving poop down my gullet, I quit my job the next day and moved to Utah with my family, easily the greatest decision in my life.

Now I'm back in my beautiful family with my beautiful wife Mariah Knits, with 3 little blues on the way, Thank you peggle.

After coming back and forth to this expansion for three months, I finally beat Realm Reborn and god damn, I'm just glad it's over. It's a slog to get through, and requires you to do multiple filler, pointless fetch quests. The story, at least to me, wasn't something that I was very invested into, but it's still important to pay attention to because it sets up later storylines. The dungeons also kind of suck with some good ones along the way. It also doesn't help that I played a terrible, boring class up until post game, which is admittedly my fault, but it did diminish my experience. Unironically, I would say the best part of Realm Reborn is around the post game where things actually get interesting for later expansions such as Heavensward, which I do plan to fully play, as it seems like a HUGE upgrade from A Realm Reborn.

I think the most fun I had with this part of the game was being with friends, going through raids and dungeons with them, and goofing off sometimes in the world. I'm not too sure what I should expect for these next expansions, but with the quality upgrade in Heavensward thus far, I am hoping I can have more fun times with my friends.

IMPORTANT NOTE I NEEDED TO INCLUDE: I named my character Jiggle Gainsborough, the sister of Aerith Gainsborough from FFVII. She's strong. Just thought I should share it.

A very cool and unique SMB1 Romhack that turns it into a Metroidvania. The catch is that the screen can still only scroll to the right. So all the branching paths and backtracking is handled via Warp Pipes.

This game seemed impossibly hard when I first played it with savestates but I've beaten it legit a few years later and it isn't actually as difficult as I originally thought. The Final Boss pretty impressive because it is giga bowser on NES.

You might wanna draw a map for this game.

Edit: Played it again and actually drew a Map. Was a fun process. To be honest I think this game would be better off with Infinite Lives. Since it's just tedious and frustrating getting back to Area 3 and 4 after getting a Game Over.

Use Game Genie Code: SXGOPO for Infinite Lives :)

dragon quest is by far my favorite series of all time, and even then i only hope i can one day love dragon quest as much as dragon quest 11 loves dragon quest. it hears everyone out there who ignorantly derides this series for every "this is too basic" criticism you could think of and simply says "even if you were right, who cares?", because dragon quest 11 is a game that adores the structure and stories of the games before while simultaneously knowing there's so much more that can and will be done with that structure going forward.
i'm really glad that i played all of the other 10 mainline games before 11, because it really does feel like a victory lap with all the little nods to the other games you notice along the way. i hope very deeply and sincerely that one day that this beautiful celebration of this momentous series's storied past will be looked upon as another step in its long history.

Lich hits Evunda for 600 points of damage.
Evunda has been defeated.
<Evunda> FML
LEVEL DOWN!

Final Fantasy XI sort of confuses me. It has all the things I should absolutely despise in a game: pointless and tedious grinding, a confusing set of missions, poorly explained tutorials, an overwhelming reliance on fan wikis to do quite literally anything, a story that at first doesn’t seem all that special, a relatively boring combat system that isn’t very special in any particular way, clunky and old UIs... But I believe that Final Fantasy XI's imperfections make it perfect, make it loveable, and make it filled with an overwhelming feeling of “soul” that is very hard to come by nowadays with most MMOs, or hell, most games in general. It is such a bundle of love and joy that I find myself at a loss for words when prompted to describe it in length. But I will do so anyway, because I love this game; it helped me heal, it helped me develop my sense of self, and it brought me comfort at a time when nothing in this world did. These are my experiences and my honest feelings about a little video game called Final Fantasy XI. I hope you enjoy the read, and I'm sorry if it gets too heavy. Grab yourself something cozy to drink—some San d’Orian tea, perhaps?

I had known of Final Fantasy XI for a really long time and I always thought it looked cute, something about it struck a particular fancy I had in my little heart. The old, charming, and PS2-era graphics coupled with the wonderful musical score I had grown accustomed to listening to made me quite interested. I knew that I had to try it for myself. I gathered enough of my hard-earned R$ to purchase the ultimate edition and began my descent into a game that would change my life and my soul forever. And what a time it was—that December in which I started Final Fantasy XI. I had just graduated from high school (class of 23!) and was at a point in my life where I was deeply uncertain about a lot of things. Mental illness and being unsure about your past can really take a toll on you and mold you in various ways that are toxic and unwelcoming to other people. You begin to sort of hate yourself, hate the person you’re becoming, and hate thinking about where you’re going to end up in life, and it leaves you drained, pathetic, and sad. It’s never easy. In Final Fantasy XI, my aching mind wanted to find some form of salvation, some form of healing, just to find anything that I could hold onto, even if just for a little bit of time. I ended up finding something much more. We all have games that changed us, or that found us in a time where life was knocking at the door, telling us to come out of our little room we burrowed ourselves in. This was mine.

I’ve never made it a secret to anyone who knows me that I struggle with borderline personality disorder. It’s a nasty thing. I will not be divulging details on how it works or how it makes me feel here; this isn’t the DSM-5, and this isn’t a piece about myself. Now you, the reader, might think this information isn’t very relevant, but it is. When I spoke of healing, when I spoke of wanting to grab onto something when it felt like everything sucked and no one cared about me, it all stemmed from the fact that I was suffering from the ills of, well, mental illness. In this world, we have to find blankets, right? Someone or something to coddle us and make us feel safe, to sort of guide us in the dark to a world where we feel like we can finally be happy. As stupid and silly as it sounds, this was Final Fantasy XI to me. When the entire world is so dark, a little bit of light is all we need to keep going. Vana’diel, at that time, was my light.

Dashing into that world of light, I made my character. A little blonde Mithra named Evunda. A sort of stupid and silly name with absolutely no thought of meaning behind it. I picked Warrior because I am very basic, and I didn’t feel like delving too deep into the magic or thieving systems just yet. Starting off in Bastok, a little stone fortress located right in the middle of Gustaberg, so polished and pretty and yet so daunting at the same time. I walked outside those Bastok gates into Gustaberg, and for a while I just... wandered around, listening to the music and killing whatever I came across. It was at that moment that, for some reason, I had a feeling of nostalgia. It somehow felt like home. Despite me never touching this game before, it felt like I had. It felt like somehow, despite a lot of turmoil, I found myself back somewhere I’d forgotten, but somewhere I desperately longed to be in. Leveling up and finding my way around the UI and the systems was a form of therapy. It was beautiful, really. I felt alive, and I felt in control of myself for the first time in a while. It felt like somehow time had stopped, and that was all there was to the world in that moment, killing bugs and leveling up.

And Evunda kept on going. Doing quests for the nations, adventuring, exploring, leveling up, leveling down, coming back to the mog house, dying, being revived by a kind passerby, earning conquest points, coming across new gear... Perhaps it is strange to feel such an overwhelming feeling of healing and kindness from doing tasks I assume other people would find tedious or boring, especially considering Final Fantasy XI’s clunkiness. But wow, it felt great! I was making so much progress that I even started one of the expansions, Chains of Promathia, and did a few quests regarding that. How cool is that? I felt so happy that I tried to share my happiness with everyone around me. I think it was around this time that I felt myself change in slight ways. I wasn’t really all that mean anymore; I wasn’t doing anything stupid or wrong. I was just a normal person. Perhaps it comes with being 18 and maturing, but even so, Final Fantasy XI sped up that maturity. I was met with kindness by strangers in the game, helping me with systems, explaining mechanics, and overall just hanging out with me. They didn’t know, but I needed that so badly that it kind of made me tear up some times.

I settled on being a Dark Knight, which is funny considering what my character looks like; it’s kind of jarring! A little tiny blonde Mithra wielding a scythe, wearing all dark, chaotic-looking armor, is quite the funny image. I did it because of the scythes. I am not immune to looking like a cool reaper. A DRK/WAR… A cool combo, I think... But mostly because I was too lazy to level up a second job alongside DRK, I just settled with my WAR, which already had 30 levels sunk into it. It was fun. It really was. I felt like I belonged somewhere in this little world, and it was Vana’diel! Being a part of it all, even if I am, by all standards, a very late newcomer to this game that's existed for so long, 22 years is a hell of a long time; I haven't even been on this earth for that long! To think it all happened in a single month…

December, huh… The jolliest of all months—Christmas and New Year's—all happen in December. I had navigated so much of the time before December completely alone and aimless on what to do with my life. I loved, lost, got hurt, felt like I was doomed, and at the end of it all, I think I became rather apathetic. I’ve been dropping tidbits of it here and there when attempting to explain what Final Fantasy XI did to me, but this is the part where it all comes into play. I have to be honest with myself; I was kind of a bad person. I said a lot of things to people that I now deeply regret. I broke friendships, broke myself, and broke so much. At the end of it all, I felt like the biggest loser in the world and someone who didn’t really deserve to live. Final Fantasy XI grabbed me by the collar, put itself around me, and warmed me up. Those nights where I drank tea while wandering around felt like a mother hugging her child. It’s embarrassing. Perhaps it’s even cringeworthy, but it’s how I felt, and it’s how I still feel. I still play, and I still enjoy myself. Sometimes I joke around about how much the game makes me want to die, but it is quite the opposite. I want to keep on going. I want to fix things. I want to continue healing and helping those around me. Final Fantasy XI woke me up to a lot of things; it’s inexplicable. All you need in life, as I said previously, is that guiding light. I found mine, not in a person or a figure, but in a silly little video game. How dumb.

Apologies if it got heavy; this is my heart. It’s what I’m putting out here for all you passersby to see. A little piece of my mind, a little piece of my life, and a little piece of my feelings are on this little website. I love you, whoever’s reading this. Please find yourself that blanket. Find your light. It can be anything; it can be a stupid video game; it can be a movie; it can be a book; it can be music. We all need it at the end of the day, I think. We’re all eternally lonely creatures on this little, messed-up planet. If we can’t have each other, we might as well have ourselves and our blanket. We can face the world when we’re ready, can’t we? I’m unsure of the answer, as much is bound to happen, both in my life outside of here and in Final Fantasy XI, Evunda’s little adventure and tale. But I believe the ending will be good; that’s what keeps me going.

And to close all of this, thank you, Vana’diel; you saved my life. I owe all I have right now to you. Have my eternal love and gratitude. The world cultivated there has a soul like no other. I pray for others to read this and try to understand it. Much love, forever and ever.

100.000 gil for some grass is criminal though I CAN’T FORGIVE THAT. I SPENT 4 HOURS GRINDING FOR THAT I DIDN’T HAVE MONEY I HATE ALL YOU FINAL FANTASY XI HYPER CAPITALISTS!!!!!!! (COME SAY HI IM EVUNDA LEVEL 56 DRK/WAR IN BAHAMUT I WELCOME THEE)

anyone who's known me for any amount of time could probably tell you that dragon quest is far and away my favorite series of all time, i love it dearly and to death. despite this, like most franchises i love, i struggle to reconcile with the wider opinions the fans of dragon quest hold, most of all the near universal acclaim of dragon quest 8. even the other dragon quests i don't "get" in the same way, namely 5 and 9, at least have something about them that i can understand being a hook to some even if i don't necessarily agree, but i just can not wrap my head around the fanbase's—and jrpg fans as a whole's—opinion on dragon quest 8. i understand that it had a lot uniquely going for it at the time, especially a demo for final fantasy 12, but despite most of what it had going for it at the time being less and less unique as time goes on the opinion of dragon quest 8 being one of the better dragon quest prevails, and i just don't get it.

don't get me wrong, i still enjoy this game! honestly having played every game in the mainline series other than finishing 11 at the time of writing this the only ones i even dislike are 2 and 9. in terms of positives i think dq8 has a great cast between the party and dhoulmagus, and despite the acoustics of the orchestral versions being questionable 8's soundtrack is really great. the final boss theme in 8 is unironically tied with 9 for my favorite final boss theme in the series, there was obviously as much love put into this game as every other dragon quest and that in of itself is charming to me.

however, that's sadly about where i run into the things i don't really care for. more than any other game in the series i find dragon quest 8 to be the embodiment of what most people who dislike or don't respect this series come to think of it; dragon quest 8 is a formulaic comfort food type of game without much notable to say outside of vibes and character writing. outside of dhoulmagus, yangus, and angelo there's not really that much to say about the story (and even what there is to say isn't crazy unique), the reliance on psyche-up and lack of distinct party variety outside of the 3ds version makes combat land on the less engaging side of what the series has to offer which is really not great when this game seemed to over-correct on people complaining about 7's combat-less intro (and to be honest nothing is more irritating to me than a sequel over-correcting on what made a much better game unique and appealing!), and the game is somehow on the longer end of dragon quest play times despite utilizing it the most haphazardly.

despite all that though, it's still dragon quest and i still get the base appeal! it's still a very strong 7/10 game for me and i'm glad i played it despite all of that because at the end of the day it's all dragon quest and i love dragon quest. it's just confusing and maybe a bit frustrating to see how common of a sentiment it is in the western fanbase to deride titles like 6 and 7 while parading a game like 8, maybe the most "generic" dragon quest in a series that outsiders deride for being generic, as a masterful golden goose of the entire franchise. i get that this game was the first 3d dragon quest, i get that it had voice acting and overseas it had an orchestral soundtrack, i get that there was a final fantasy 12 demo packaged with the game, and i get that plenty of people are nostalgic for this game but almost 20 years later with more and more people playing this game completely divorced from that context, what merits of its own does it really have? why out of every dragon quest game is it 8 that's so popular? i just really really don't get it.

"I just moved here, but Aoba sure is a great place." (Young Man)

Before starting this review, I need to say this kind of works as my combined thoughts on Innocent Sin and Eternal Punishment. My score is indicative of just this game, but I never felt like I wanted to make a review for both since the gameplay is practically identical and I'd just be repeating myself a lot.

Eternal Punishment has some seriously missed potential. There are some great ideas here that are tough to appreciate from the gameplay that is present.

Being that Eternal Punishment is a direct sequel to Innocent Sin, it reuses a ton of assets from the original game, with the major culprits being the dungeons and music. Logically, the reused dungeons make sense as they pertain to the story's happenings, but I think there comes a point where, in development, the creators should have asked themselves if that was truly an ideal way to entertain the player. I would have liked to see how the settings have changed atmospherically in the sequel, but all we got were map layout updates. I was also disappointed by the game's soundtrack this time around. Most songs are either remixed or just reused entirely. There's some new songs though, one of which is the Aoba Park theme which is a beautiful track, and this remix of the Mountain Trail theme, but I enjoyed Innocent Sin’s OST more since all the music was brand new.

It's clear the developers drew some inspiration from Phantasy Star when making this combat system. Combat revolving around auto-battling, a 5-character party, and most notably, fusion spells. Differing from PSIV, you're able to switch around turn orders mid-battle, which is a great addition for fusion spells considering PSIV had you making your characters defend to link the turns for people with varying speed stats. I honestly never really ended up using these in Innocent Sin and Eternal Punishment, as a lot just seemed worse than their non-chainable counterparts. An instance being when you use spells that target groups of enemies that share the same element, you can be prompted to turn it into a fusion spell that only attacks one enemy instead, which was inconvenient in standard battles with enemy groups. You can opt out of using the fusion spell before it happens in battle, which is another great addition, so it's not really an issue. The only time I ended up really using them was when combining two elements to do a bit more damage in boss fights. A major oversight, or intended mechanic, depending on who you ask, is the defend trick, where you cancel auto-battle and make everyone defend after their action. It's tedious to use in standard battles but proves extremely effective in boss battles due to you taking close to no damage. It really does make me believe it's an oversight, unless the developers thought it would be too useless to waste an extra turn defending. A cool aspect of the combat was the ability to have characters be able to switch their personae without wasting a turn, which led me to use it quite frequently. Turning anyone into a healer out of the blue was very helpful.

EP is known to be one of the harder entries in the SMT franchise, and I was well aware of this from friends. I know it sounds condescending, but I thought it was going to be a case of Persona 5 fans playing an older RPG, but Eternal Punishment is one of the harder RPG titles in the PS1 library, in my opinion. The difficulty was kind of mixed in its tedious structure along with its slow combat and frustrating encounter rate. By tedious structure, I am referring to demon fusion, which is done by gathering spell cards through demon negotiation. When fusing demons, there are different arcanas of cards they will give you pertaining to their arcana. Later on, demons will give you more and more per negotiation as the card requirements for fusions rise for higher-leveled personae. It's pretty easy to find a way to entertain them for cards, as there's multiple character combinations that work, but the strategy you want to go for is to form a contract with them, which usually has a very small amount or 1 specific character combo that raises their joy stat. The reason you want to do this is because after contract formation, when you entertain them for cards, they'll give you wild cards, which you can give to someone in the velvet room to change into any arcana you want. Considering there's over 20 card types in the game, this is the most convenient method of fusing personae. There’s different personae to fuse in each arcana of cards, which explains why you’d want the wild cards for complete freedom of your team's builds. It’s frustrating to find the joy-raising action to initiate these contracts, part of it being that they’re integral to the gameplay. There’s an art to demon negotiation; you’ll be able to tell what works sometimes from your characters' personalities meshing well with the demons, but it is by no means consistent. It’s something that’s fun at first but quickly becomes tedious when you're tasked with doing it more than a few times. It felt like I was just aimlessly trying anything that might work, which most times resulted in the demon getting mad and you having to enter a new encounter to try again. The salt on the wound is that making them mad will have them break your contract… Persona 2 is best played with a notebook nearby to write down the correct prompts for these demons. Even though the end result is a team with some killer personae, it's a goal that’s hard to work towards with all the tedium associated with it. 

Now, the slow combat. Not only is the game some of the slowest combat on the system, but it is also grindy as all hell. Throughout the game, you’ll need to fuse new personae a lot to stay on top of the game's difficulty. To unlock the moves on each persona, you’ll have to use any of their moves to get them to slowly rank up to their max level of 8 and get each move associated with them. Why would you want to rank them up all the way? Because sometimes the personae will have an integral move like healing everyone, or attack moves which you'll need for them to be useful. This was by far the most annoying part of the game's combat. When I’d get to a skill-check boss fight, I’d have to back out and grind up new personas, which got really irritating. I honestly wouldn’t mind the idea of it if they’d rank up quicker, because later on it started to tread on multiple hours of grinding. You can get them to skip 2 ranks from finishing battles with fusion attacks from a lucky mutation, but I could never get this to happen, so take that as you will. Even though I have a lot of complaints about this game's systems, it’s still fun to make builds for your characters with persona fusion. You can add a stat boost card and a card to add a certain move during the fusion, which adds a good layer of customizability. There’s also a level-up bonus for each persona to add a point to a particular stat, which is something you need to think about so you can boost your character's strengths. It’s as fun as the rest of the series in that regard; there’s still a bunch of pondering time spent in the velvet room, but it’s hard to look past the requirements of doing so.

I will say, though, that Eternal Punishment has great boss fights; almost every boss in the game will make you switch up your strategy and punish you if you don't. For instance, there's one fight later on where the boss heals a set amount of HP passively every turn, so you'll need to utilize fusion spells to maximize damage while balancing out support for your party. They were always a challenge to look forward to, and I was always preemptively aware that there would be a challenge that I'd have to face when outside boss doors in dungeons, no matter how high level or good my personae were.

By far the most endearing aspect of Eternal Punishment is its cast of characters. It's really nice to see a game tackle aspects of adulthood in such a blunt way in a real-life setting. These characters are people that most can truly relate to. By the time they started revealing a lot about them near the end through flashbacks, I got a bit emotional. These characters have realistic internal conflicts, not some shit out of Persona 5. I do wish there was more of it throughout the game. It may be the absurd amount of time spent in dungeons, but it really feels like there were barely any cutscenes for these characters to develop. Of course, the ones we have are great, but I wanted more.

I'm being told I should have played the PSP releases of these games, but I always like playing original releases because I like to admire what games did at the time of their original release. Part of the reason P1 is so interesting to me is that it is an early 5th generation title, and it was up in the air what to make next since there wasn’t really a blueprint yet. I feel more in tune with the innovations associated with games when I play their original releases, since a lot feels lost to me when I look at HD re-releases. Just looking at the UI in these titles and how they tried to make P1 overly accessible with the fast movement and out-of-place soundtrack, which completely alters the heavy atmosphere the Revelations version has, it was evident enough that these were not the definitive ways for me to play these titles. For the P2 games, though, the redone soundtracks actually sound really nice, but the battle UI looks and plays awful. So, that's just in case anyone was wondering why I played these versions instead.

What can I take away from these games? I will never complain about lengthy combat animations again. Kidding, but not really... These games definitely got me more interested in trying out the classic SMT games, and newer SMT games, for that matter, and I liked P2’s structure as opposed to the later entries in the Persona series. If you like this game and feel like I’m missing something, feel free to let me know in the comments. I’m curious to know aspects of why people enjoy this game.

Side Note: Whenever I play SMT games, something befalls me every single time. When I was playing Nocturne, I was incapable of sleeping for a week for some reason? During Revelations, I got hacked on every single account I own from what I think to be my cookies getting logged, and yes, even my Backloggd was hacked. Can you believe the nerve of someone to hack a Backloggd account? Someone must really hate me. During this game, I got sick for the first time in like 2 years and feel like shit. I fear for my life next time I go back to this series. I'll end off this review by reminding everyone to use 2 Factor sign in for your accounts. Stay safe out there, fellas...

Warning - This review contains spoilers for Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty.

Warning - This review contains mentions of suicide, child abuse, sexual assault, self-harm, and other related topics. Read at your own risk.

Disclaimer - The idea to conceive this review was inspired by @poyfuh’s piece on Silent Hill 2. I highly recommend that you, as the reader, take a look into her work as well, if you have not yet done so. This is also a repost of my review that I made on my previous account, but I deleted it for personal reasons.

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Evening, September 20th, 2022.

After 10 years, 10 fucking years, my step-dad finally gets arrested by the police due to his exposed cases of commiting child abuse, alongside other crimes, even though that was the big reason. Now, I can finally express my happiness and freedom after so long, but at the same time, I am held back by my emotional and physical trauma, which drives me back to literal insanity… a line which I’ve crossed far too long ago. There is still a lot to uncover, and I am not done yet.

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Night, December 19th, 2022.

How much longer do I have to deal with this? I want to move on from my past, but I can’t. Everything in my house, from the PlayStation 5, all the way to my refrigerator, reminds me of my step-father. He had hurt me in so many ways, in so many different places, and actively used me as his torture toy that the after-effects are still there. Here I am, on the bridge near my house, questioning myself; Do I just end it all, right here, and right now? Or do I go back and try to amend myself. What do I even do?

Therapy isn’t fixing shit, after-school counseling isn’t fixing shit, and absolutely nothing labeled as “beneficial” is fixing shit either. But… I have to live for my friends. They don’t want me dead, but at the same time, unlike me, they have a lot of friends who they could talk to, so what’s the point? Why am I still here?

In the end, all I could ask for is a peaceful life, one without worries or doubts, but that won’t happen. However… I can make it happen. I just have to stick through it, and try to get a good grasp of what I’m currently going through.

Afternoon, January 14th, 2023.

A friend of mine named Micheal, whom I’ve known for 5 years, but stopped talking to for the past few months, decides to call me and scream at me because I made him feel unsafe when I stopped talking to him right after my step-father (before his arrest) temporarily disabled my communication devices, though once that was over, I had completely forgotten to call back. I tried telling him that I just really did not remember, and that everything is (probably) okay now, but he was just so upset for the fact that I made him feel like he lost his closest friend. I mean, can you blame him? Looking back, I would’ve called him sooner… if only I knew what would happen within the next few months.

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Evening, April 11th, 2023.

About a couple days back, I had recently finished Metal Gear Solid, and fell in love with the game pretty quickly. The tragic story behind Solid Snake, as well as one of the main messages revolving around the idea to move on, had both made me develop a personal attachment to the series, as I knew it was shaping up to be something special. In the meantime, it was a great day today, and I was just having fun with my online friends on Instagram, when all of a sudden, I got a phone call from Micheal, to which I picked up immediately. However, instead of hearing his voice, I heard the voice of a woman, who was his sister. I went on to ask who she was, and once she had told me about herself, she then told me that earlier, Micheal hanged himself. After facing months worth of sadness and depression, as well as feeling bad for being angry at me, he just couldn’t take it anymore and felt as if he lacked any self-worth.

Upon hearing this, I was completely destroyed mentally and decided to take a break from social media for a few days. Even though we live in different states, and even though most of our communication is from online, he still meant a lot to me, and losing him also killed a fraction of myself. I took the blame, mainly because his anger on me came from my own laziness. I mean, it’s my fault, right? I never do anything right. Never. What purpose do I even serve? Even after my step-father had now left my personal life, I still have more things to grieve over, and it’s taking a huge toll on me. I just… I can’t take it anymore. I’m sorry, Micheal, I really am. If I could turn back time and fix everything, I would. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out after our initial conversation… I would’ve been there to help you. But you know what? I didn’t, because I was too selfish of myself to care about anyone else. I’m sorry.

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Midnight, April 17, 2023.

It’s 1 AM in the morning, and I am currently playing Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty. I’m trying to move on from the event of my friend taking his own life by keeping myself entertained, though it only keeps coming back to me at random times. Right now, I had just reached the torture scene with Raiden, and so far, I’m not feeling anything… But wait, what is going on right now?

Raiden didn’t want any of this… he was a child soldier, forced to live under Solidus Snake’s umbrella for many years in order to become an excellent warrior, though it had only made him less sane and more unhinged, which had obviously taken a toll on him as a person, and played a role onto his overall development. He spent all that time in the VR training, all that time working on his strength, and what did that cost? His sanity. And, on top of all this, its later revealed that his own girlfriend had spied on him in order for him to be fully studied, but eventually, she actually did fall in love with him, though it took him time to realize that because of what was going on in that moment. Everything and everyone that he valued was taken away from him for the sake of standing strong, and to be “on top” of the human chain.

You see, for many years, my step-father served as a police officer, and at home, while constantly abusing me via physical abuse, he had made me learn self-defense, as well as various other forms of combat. I had basically learned how to throw people, accurately beat them up, and so much other stuff. A few years ago, I enrolled in fencing, because I thought that the idea of sword-fighting was cool, which it was. I learned how to wield a blade, and utilize any long object as a weapon in case of serious danger… and, truth be told, I tried using my self-defense skills to avoid getting bullied, as well as trying to avoid getting beaten by my step-father. This was all because he wanted me to “stay strong in dark times,” however, this just didn’t make sense, because the only person giving me my dark times was him. I had done nothing to receive any of this, and as that entire moment with Raiden’s torture seemingly came to an end, I just sat there, crying for a few minutes because I was reminded of who I once was as a person.

Shortly afterwards, when Ocelot reveals that the point of Raiden was to create a perfect soldier, meaning that his entire mission was a lie, as well as Solidus trying to show a bit of fatherhood to Raiden, it all reminded me of how my step-father would act after every time he had tried to torture me in some way.

7 months prior to this, I remember failing an optional test online due to me not being able to fully understand the key contents whatsoever, despite trying to study. Because of my failure, my step-father had decided to rape me maliciously in order to “teach me a lesson.” I was crying & yelling for the life of me, and I begged him to stop. Not only that, but over an optional test too? What was the point of this? Well, sooner or later, he tries to comfort me while acknowledging that I “made a mistake,” and to avoid getting harmed any further, I just gave in to his fake sense of discipline so that I don’t get further tortured beyond that point.

Back to the point where Solidus is trying to get Raiden to join his side, you can see that Raiden refuses, and this leads to a massive conflict between the two, because he actually stood up for himself, though at first, it was a failure.

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Early Morning, April 18th, 2023.

It’s 4 AM, and I am now in the final part of the game. After witnessing the shocking AI codec call that delved into the digital world, as well as challenging all of Raiden’s self beliefs, we got straight to the climax, the moment we were all waiting for: Raiden Vs. Solidus Snake. As the fight progressed and finished, we see how Solidus finally faces his well-deserved downfall, and then, Raiden stands in between the crowd, questioning every single thing that has happened since the start of his mission. Shortly afterwards, Snake comes by and has a conversation with him, asking him many things, but one thing in particular that stood out was when he told Raiden to look at his dog tags, and see if he knows who that is on the tag. As this happens, Raiden says the following line…

“No, never heard the name before. I'll pick my own name...and my own life. I'll
find something worth passing on.”

Raiden is now a free man, no longer a puppet of Solidus or related to the Patriots in any way now whatsoever, and sooner or later, we see him return to Rose in safe hands. No more conflict, no more bullshit, everything is over now. (Metal Gear Solid 4 never happened.)

Within the next year or so, I am going to fully change my legal name, after waiting several years for it to happen. You see, everyone would call me by my middle name, which is the name I felt most comfortable with, as my first name was mainly a family name, so it wasn’t said publicly in order to avoid confusion with me and my relatives. However, my step-father would always call me by my first name, and when we would call me by it, it's often spoken in a more deepened accent, which just gave me more and more PTSD over the years. Not only that, but my biological father, whom even though I never really had a proper relationship with, was still an awful person to my mother before they divorced, and since I was carrying his last name, I wanted to clear my name completely for good, so that I can show that I am not a part of a disgusting family tree. However, I will keep my middle name since my mother gave that to me, and then, I will be my own man, with my own name, and my own life, not controlled by someone else.

As the credits rolled, and “Can't Say Goodbye to Yesterday” began to play, I started crying uncontrollably again for a while because I had never been so attached to a work of art like this in my entire life. The entire campaign from start to finish, with Snake & Raiden as they come forward to fight their own beliefs as well as relaying the message to start fresh, had connected with me in such a personal and heartwarming way that I just… I was speechless. I couldn’t believe I experienced a game like this, and I genuinely didn’t have anything to say.

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Night, December 12th, 2023.

As of typing this, it’s currently the said date of December 12th, 2023. Since my first playthrough of Metal Gear Solid 2, many more unfortunate things have happened. It has been 7 years since my younger sister died, and due to my sadness, I tried to kill myself twice on Thanksgiving via overdosing and shooting myself, and then stabbing myself, which led to me going to the hospital for quite some time before heading straight to the mental hospital for a full day. Around 2 weeks ago, I had disabled all of my main social media accounts on Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram so that I could focus on my own wellbeing, and try to improve upon myself before returning to content creation in full healthiness. Also, I had recently completed a replay of Metal Gear Solid 2 on my PlayStation Vita, which led me to finish this review for good.

To wrap things up, Metal Gear Solid 2 is a game that I think every single person should play before they die, and it’s a profound work of art that truly stands the test of time, as well as having a massive impact on me as a person, as well as being able to move on from my past. You also have Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, which is arguably just as good, and I think that in the end, the franchise’s message of tragedy and overcoming your PTSD has aged quite well, and I have yet to see another franchise replicate the same exact magic as that.

“Find something to believe in. And find it for yourself. And when you do, pass it on to the future.” - Solid Snake.

Thank you, Hideo Kojima. You might not ever see this, but your work really impacted me, and helped me through the worst time of my life.

Thank you.