Turquoisephoenix
2023
Welcome to Azoria, stranger! My name's Kaspar! Nice of you to visit our lovely inn! Hey, did you know my mom gave birth to me on one of the pub tables? Yeah I'm just going to keep mentioning it every other time you talk to me! Yep, she gave birth on one of the tables! Possibly multiple since I have a brother! Have fun raising my friendship meter!
2023
While it's less "retro-feeling 3D platformer on a similar level as Banjo-Kazooie" and more "retro-feeling 3D platformer that evokes the same feelings as those random N64 games you'd pick up at Blockbuster like Gex 64 or A Bug's Life", I'm man enough to admit that this is 100% My Jam. I know when I'm being catered to, especially now that the game's hovering around the 10-20 dollar mark.
Clive 'N' Wrench is the latest of passion project collectathon 3D platformers starring a wacky little critter made by people who grew up in the 90's to appeal to other people who grew up in the 90's. While most of these 3D platformers borrow influence from the N64 greats, what sets this particular game apart is that it feels more PSX-influenced in its mechanics. Rob is a huge Muppet Monster Adventure, Spyro, and MediEvil fan, and it definitely shows up in the DNA of the game.
But is it a "good" game? Well...probably not. But my feelings are complicated.
As stated in a previous review, I have a bit of a soft spot for janky platformers as long as they aren't boring or feel like they're intentionally wasting my time (looking at YOU, Balan Wonderworld). Clive 'N' Wrench passes my Game Feel test, even if the whole game experience feels a little undercooked. Ironically, the lack of polish, ugly graphics/textures, and general jank feel to it makes it feel more like a PS1/N64 platformer than Yooka-Laylee ever did. Damning the game with faint praise, I know, but it's hard to describe this perfect blend of Odd Choices That Should've Been Ironed Out More beyond "yeah, this is what gaming in the Clinton Years felt like". Some levels just have 1000 of a single collectible for no reason at all but damnit if it isn't making me smile.
I think what Rob nailed was the movement tech in this game. I like that Clive just has a ridiculously high jump with a hover reminiscent of Spyro's glide in that you could just traverse through an entire stage provided you gave yourself enough height at the start of the glide. It makes the game rather easy, but I like turning each play area into a jungle gym. Sadly, the movement tech didn't translate into Clive-Wrench's attack moveset, leaving them with only a wimpy little spin attack that I could never quite feel out the hitbox for, meaning that I usually took damage whenever I attacked an enemy. But, as I said, this game IS pretty easy so deaths were more of a temporary annoyance than a setback.
My one major complaint (beyond "yeah fine I guess the game could've used a bigger budget/team to make a much better product") is that none of the characters feel all that interesting. I like how you see the bosses' influence within the worlds as a result of their partnership with the main villain - and I think the character design, concept and names are all fun - but then it's missing that extra Sly Cooper-y spice of them having some witty banter with our heroes. I can't believe this game manages to fumble a goofy mad scientist, a bayou witch frog that runs a casino, and a vampire named "Vlad the Impala" this badly by having them all be completely silent. Doesn't help that the boss battles range from completely terrible (Baroness Samedice) to It's Okay But Could've Been Longer (Vlad) and the boss levels range from That's Fine (The Unitaur) to The Actual Worst Thing In This Entire Game (Captain Bluebeard).
In the end, it's rough around the edges and wasn't worth its original asking price of 40 dollars, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having fun with this goofy little game. Even if the models are kinda scary-looking.
Also what a massive power move to just include Kensington and the Museum from MediEvil 2 in your video game. The events of MediEvil are canon to Clive 'N' Wrench and I think that's beautiful.
Clive 'N' Wrench is the latest of passion project collectathon 3D platformers starring a wacky little critter made by people who grew up in the 90's to appeal to other people who grew up in the 90's. While most of these 3D platformers borrow influence from the N64 greats, what sets this particular game apart is that it feels more PSX-influenced in its mechanics. Rob is a huge Muppet Monster Adventure, Spyro, and MediEvil fan, and it definitely shows up in the DNA of the game.
But is it a "good" game? Well...probably not. But my feelings are complicated.
As stated in a previous review, I have a bit of a soft spot for janky platformers as long as they aren't boring or feel like they're intentionally wasting my time (looking at YOU, Balan Wonderworld). Clive 'N' Wrench passes my Game Feel test, even if the whole game experience feels a little undercooked. Ironically, the lack of polish, ugly graphics/textures, and general jank feel to it makes it feel more like a PS1/N64 platformer than Yooka-Laylee ever did. Damning the game with faint praise, I know, but it's hard to describe this perfect blend of Odd Choices That Should've Been Ironed Out More beyond "yeah, this is what gaming in the Clinton Years felt like". Some levels just have 1000 of a single collectible for no reason at all but damnit if it isn't making me smile.
I think what Rob nailed was the movement tech in this game. I like that Clive just has a ridiculously high jump with a hover reminiscent of Spyro's glide in that you could just traverse through an entire stage provided you gave yourself enough height at the start of the glide. It makes the game rather easy, but I like turning each play area into a jungle gym. Sadly, the movement tech didn't translate into Clive-Wrench's attack moveset, leaving them with only a wimpy little spin attack that I could never quite feel out the hitbox for, meaning that I usually took damage whenever I attacked an enemy. But, as I said, this game IS pretty easy so deaths were more of a temporary annoyance than a setback.
My one major complaint (beyond "yeah fine I guess the game could've used a bigger budget/team to make a much better product") is that none of the characters feel all that interesting. I like how you see the bosses' influence within the worlds as a result of their partnership with the main villain - and I think the character design, concept and names are all fun - but then it's missing that extra Sly Cooper-y spice of them having some witty banter with our heroes. I can't believe this game manages to fumble a goofy mad scientist, a bayou witch frog that runs a casino, and a vampire named "Vlad the Impala" this badly by having them all be completely silent. Doesn't help that the boss battles range from completely terrible (Baroness Samedice) to It's Okay But Could've Been Longer (Vlad) and the boss levels range from That's Fine (The Unitaur) to The Actual Worst Thing In This Entire Game (Captain Bluebeard).
In the end, it's rough around the edges and wasn't worth its original asking price of 40 dollars, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having fun with this goofy little game. Even if the models are kinda scary-looking.
Also what a massive power move to just include Kensington and the Museum from MediEvil 2 in your video game. The events of MediEvil are canon to Clive 'N' Wrench and I think that's beautiful.
1989
It's nice to play a video game that I've seen hyped on the Internet for decades and going "oh hey, this IS fun!". Late 2000's era GameFAQs and YouTube, you were right about this one. You even kept the final boss unspoiled for me somehow!
Deducted half a star for Boo Beam Trap. That was the only time where it felt like the game's difficulty felt less "tough but fair" and more "actively spiteful".
Deducted half a star for Boo Beam Trap. That was the only time where it felt like the game's difficulty felt less "tough but fair" and more "actively spiteful".
This is the most physically painful game I've played in a long time. I had to pause and take breaks on the Ratatouille minigame collection because a food sorting minigame was hurting my wrist. What the fuck.
2012
Just like Ever Oasis and Pocket Card Jockey (update: this came back), HarmoKnight is a charming but kinda jank 3DS title that is destined to rot away in the eShop graveyard rather than receiving the improved sequel it so desperately needs, not with Game Freak back in the Pokemon mines until the end of time. At least Tappy still has a career after this game as one of the Gen 8 starters.
Why does Rayman look like that.
2015
I really like this game because it reminds me of that brief two year period where I was obsessed with collecting Kongregate badges and ended up playing a bunch of 2D puzzle platformers with various geometric lads. You even get some HAL-esque writing out of the deal when the boxpeople start nobly sacrificing themselves to power ancient square technology in order to save their boxplanet.
2021
My favorite bit of storytelling is how the main character is a professional digital artist and she keeps upgrading her computer and tablets while also moving the same two boxes of Copic Markers over and over. I just know her ass ain't using those.
2005
Mixing early 2000's era Hot Topic, Ratchet and Clank, and MediEvil together should've created something amazing, but instead we got passionate mediocrity with janky camera and gunplay that at least has an appealing skeleboy. I knew something was up when my main takeaway was "Man, MediEvil had better controls..."
Do yourself a favor and read the graphic novel instead, because you get to see the Grim Reaper get into a fistfight with dinosaurs fossils at a museum and it whips.
Do yourself a favor and read the graphic novel instead, because you get to see the Grim Reaper get into a fistfight with dinosaurs fossils at a museum and it whips.
Day 25: Morale growing low. Still hunting for Wiggler segments. I enter yet another dark-poison-pond-and-tree-trunk-with-Snifits-and-Ninjis themed level. What was once scoffed at for being the same dull Mario grassland and desert levels have now become bittersweet memories. I no longer remember the sun as I take 2 more damage by accidentally running into yet another poison puddle. God help me. God help us all.
2008
I should've known things were going to be dire when I noticed that this game has existed for 15 long glorious years without a single Youtube walkthrough or Gamefaqs guide.
In a world where most of the movie licensed tie-ins on the Nintendo DS are either really bad 2D platformers or really bad touch screen minigame collections, Igor: The Game DS dares to be different by being a really bad RPG/puzzle hybrid. And, by doing so, it made me wish that I was rapidly tapping circles on the bottom screen instead of what I was forced to do.
So after the main plot of the movie decides to just get up and leave, Igor and his ragtag bunch of witty cartoon sidekicks enter a monster tournament because that will...bring back his creation/girlfriend and stop Eddie Izzard Scientist. So you build a monster with your Starter head, body, arms, and legs and then wander around a map FF Tactics-style and find the tournament sites along the way until you get into a random encounter so that you can grind for materials and money by playing Literally Just Super Turbo Puzzle Fighter on the bottom screen as both your monster and the random woodland creature awkwardly stand there in crunchy low-poly 3D until you fill up enough energy bars for your monster to throw a punch.
Yes, the DS game based off of the 2008 film everyone just kinda forgot about is not a bad Mario clone or a bad Mario Party clone but rather a bad Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords clone of all things, with some Monster Rancher thrown in there for extra spice to make the shit sandwich more palpable.
I would give them props for not taking the safe route, but I feel like a kid playing this would've preferred if this was just a button-masher type of affair where B meant fist rather than "slowly match 30 blue blocks for fist,". I'm not going to mince words - this is one of the most boring games I have ever played in my life. The puzzle aspect of slowly exploding gems and the framerate constantly dipping just makes this entire game so slow and boring that you can feel your soul escape your body when the non-puzzle aspect - the "collect body parts to build a freak of nature to fight in tournaments" idea - actually sounds like fun.
Oh, and you can't coast through this game with the starter monster either. You see, there are six tournaments to complete before you can roll credits. You can maybe finish the first tournament with just the starter monster if you're lucky, but then the second tournament has 11 goddamn opponents, all with monsters with twice as many stats as your now-useless hunk of rotting flesh. So you HAVE to grind for better body parts by running around on the map back and forth until you have enough material to exchange for body parts that you HOPE translates to better skills that can help you win.
One body part costs 16 of a given material. Monsters only drop 4 material items. You are going to be playing a LOT of laggy Super Turbo Puzzle FIghter while listening to the same two songs as random encounters take around 10-15 minutes as you gradually whittle down HP.
Why would you make grinding essential to progress in Igor: The Game. Of all games.
Once I realized that there was a long, thankless road ahead of me, I told myself "you know, I deserve to play better games" and gave up. I was curious to see how this unrecorded game would progress before I realized that I have far better uses of my time than seeing the ending of Igor: The Game DS.
Farewell, Igor. At least your art style was kinda neat.
In a world where most of the movie licensed tie-ins on the Nintendo DS are either really bad 2D platformers or really bad touch screen minigame collections, Igor: The Game DS dares to be different by being a really bad RPG/puzzle hybrid. And, by doing so, it made me wish that I was rapidly tapping circles on the bottom screen instead of what I was forced to do.
So after the main plot of the movie decides to just get up and leave, Igor and his ragtag bunch of witty cartoon sidekicks enter a monster tournament because that will...bring back his creation/girlfriend and stop Eddie Izzard Scientist. So you build a monster with your Starter head, body, arms, and legs and then wander around a map FF Tactics-style and find the tournament sites along the way until you get into a random encounter so that you can grind for materials and money by playing Literally Just Super Turbo Puzzle Fighter on the bottom screen as both your monster and the random woodland creature awkwardly stand there in crunchy low-poly 3D until you fill up enough energy bars for your monster to throw a punch.
Yes, the DS game based off of the 2008 film everyone just kinda forgot about is not a bad Mario clone or a bad Mario Party clone but rather a bad Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords clone of all things, with some Monster Rancher thrown in there for extra spice to make the shit sandwich more palpable.
I would give them props for not taking the safe route, but I feel like a kid playing this would've preferred if this was just a button-masher type of affair where B meant fist rather than "slowly match 30 blue blocks for fist,". I'm not going to mince words - this is one of the most boring games I have ever played in my life. The puzzle aspect of slowly exploding gems and the framerate constantly dipping just makes this entire game so slow and boring that you can feel your soul escape your body when the non-puzzle aspect - the "collect body parts to build a freak of nature to fight in tournaments" idea - actually sounds like fun.
Oh, and you can't coast through this game with the starter monster either. You see, there are six tournaments to complete before you can roll credits. You can maybe finish the first tournament with just the starter monster if you're lucky, but then the second tournament has 11 goddamn opponents, all with monsters with twice as many stats as your now-useless hunk of rotting flesh. So you HAVE to grind for better body parts by running around on the map back and forth until you have enough material to exchange for body parts that you HOPE translates to better skills that can help you win.
One body part costs 16 of a given material. Monsters only drop 4 material items. You are going to be playing a LOT of laggy Super Turbo Puzzle FIghter while listening to the same two songs as random encounters take around 10-15 minutes as you gradually whittle down HP.
Why would you make grinding essential to progress in Igor: The Game. Of all games.
Once I realized that there was a long, thankless road ahead of me, I told myself "you know, I deserve to play better games" and gave up. I was curious to see how this unrecorded game would progress before I realized that I have far better uses of my time than seeing the ending of Igor: The Game DS.
Farewell, Igor. At least your art style was kinda neat.
Those wacky French bastards were so confident in their work that they released this five days after Mario Party DS, a party game with double the games, a story mode with multiple game boards, and Wi-Fi support. I admire their confidence in their almost-shovelware. Really channeling the energy of the Rabbids with this by scoffing at Nintendo's game and going "Well, OUR game has BUNNY MODE".
But to be fair on UbiSoft, you know what Mario Party DS doesn't have? A minigame where you tap the bottom screen to play out the electronic synth notes in Funkytown. I accidentally butchered a classic song with bad timing - complete with audio feedback - and it was the hardest I laughed at a game in months. It's bad, sure, but luckily it's a funny bad.
Also Rayman reveals himself and the existence of alternate dimensions to the entire human world at the end of this and humanity's just okay with it...?
But to be fair on UbiSoft, you know what Mario Party DS doesn't have? A minigame where you tap the bottom screen to play out the electronic synth notes in Funkytown. I accidentally butchered a classic song with bad timing - complete with audio feedback - and it was the hardest I laughed at a game in months. It's bad, sure, but luckily it's a funny bad.
Also Rayman reveals himself and the existence of alternate dimensions to the entire human world at the end of this and humanity's just okay with it...?
2012
I can't believe WayForward made an honest-to-god Hotel Castlevania with gorgeous sprite work and Jake Kaufman as the composer only to fumble the bag on the level design and curse it with repetitive gameplay and a 3 hour runtime.
If anything, they should've fully committed to the bit and had Jonathan be playable as the Richter to Mavis' Alucard.
If anything, they should've fully committed to the bit and had Jonathan be playable as the Richter to Mavis' Alucard.
The subtitle of this eShop exclusive game, "Tipping Stars", refers to a Miiverse mechanic where you go and tip the 267 stars you could collect in-game to other players if you liked their uploaded levels so that they could buy better items in the Workshop Store.
Guess what two services shut down in 2017 and 2023! This Mini-Land Mayhem level pack disguised as a game was rendered obsolete by Nintendo's cruel hand!
Guess what two services shut down in 2017 and 2023! This Mini-Land Mayhem level pack disguised as a game was rendered obsolete by Nintendo's cruel hand!
2020
After all these years, I finally found a Pokemon experience that makes me feel like a kid playing these games on the Game Boy for the first time again. I know nothing about these Mons and now every random encounter is a brand new discovery of a Funny Little Guy. Consider my decades-old itch scratched.
Sadly, I had to deduct half a star for requiring me to join a Discord server to see any game guides. Hate that shit.
Sadly, I had to deduct half a star for requiring me to join a Discord server to see any game guides. Hate that shit.