Turquoisephoenix
2017
This game managed to do something illegal by making me absolutely sick of seeing Pikmin do cute Pikmin things. I just want to slowly plod around my sparse environments at glacial speed with my sadsack pilot who moves like there's a dump in his pants but the game keeps interrupting me and going "Look, the Pikmin are screaming and running away again! You can't skip this cutscene!".
Gave this game an extra half star because it has treasure and I love reading depressing Olimar commentary.
Gave this game an extra half star because it has treasure and I love reading depressing Olimar commentary.
A common tip for this game is to go into the options menu and mute Bubsy's voicelines. I get it but listen. Much like how I don't try to remove the lemon out of lemonade, why would I make the conscious decision to download Bubsy from the PS Plus catalog only to silence him?
Instead I set Bubsy's voicelines to the maximum setting. It felt exactly like a Bubsy game. This is not a compliment.
Instead I set Bubsy's voicelines to the maximum setting. It felt exactly like a Bubsy game. This is not a compliment.
HARDCORE GAMER PROTIP - If you've gotten really far in Crash 4 and then revisit this game, you'll completely and utterly decimate everything this trilogy throws at you and you'll feel really cool while doing it.
Warped is not my favorite PS1 Crash game but it's my favorite in the N. Sane Trilogy remakes. While I have my gripes about the art style and the hit boxes in the first two games, Warped just looks and feels great. It definitely feels like they put the most time and effort into recreating Warped and then went back and retrofitted the other two games on the Warped engine, which unfortunately would explain why NST Crash 1 and 2 feel a little bit "off" to me.
Sadly, Warped is still Warped so I have to dock half a star for all those copious vehicle levels. "Oh yay, another water ski section!" said no one ever. Why did Pura only get two levels but that damn water ski got four? Pura's on the box!
Sadly, Warped is still Warped so I have to dock half a star for all those copious vehicle levels. "Oh yay, another water ski section!" said no one ever. Why did Pura only get two levels but that damn water ski got four? Pura's on the box!
What I expected: Shovelware garbage fit only for The Memes™
What I got: A decent little point-and-click adventure for little kids reminiscent of the older DOS Humongous Entertainment titles with some surprisingly good music and sprite work!?
I'm actually kinda jealous that I'm too old for this to be a childhood game because this is so much better than the girl-themed games that relatives would gift me. Barbie Super Model SNES wishes she was on this level.
What I got: A decent little point-and-click adventure for little kids reminiscent of the older DOS Humongous Entertainment titles with some surprisingly good music and sprite work!?
I'm actually kinda jealous that I'm too old for this to be a childhood game because this is so much better than the girl-themed games that relatives would gift me. Barbie Super Model SNES wishes she was on this level.
2017
Making the Gamer Pilgrimage of hitting Platinum in this game has made me well-acquainted with things such as "hitboxes", "level geometry", and "gold relics" and I'm sorry I ever doubted the angry nerds on Reddit. They were right. The hitboxes are wonky and pill-shaped compared to the original. I am slipping off the edges of platforms. I have been taught the error of my ways.
Crash Bandicoot (2017) ironically fills the same niche as Crash Bandicoot (1996). Much like how the original Crash Bandicoot is a ground-breaking game, one of the first 3D platformers, that was immediately outclassed by the more enjoyable PS1/N64 games that came after it, the Crash N. Sane Trilogy version of Crash 1, the game that sparked a renaissance of "let's reboot that 90's video game but faithfully this time", is now outclassed by all the more enjoyable 90's game remakes released after it. There's a real sense of "eh, good enough" permeating this game's code (that I'm solely blaming the Activision higher-ups for, the dev time for this couldn't have been pretty) that makes every jump in this hard precision-based platformer feels like it's going to succeed only about 85% of the time.
Which is completely fine if you're just going for level completion and boxes - and, despite this game's reputation, the lives are pretty generous - but those sick bastards also put in time trials in a game that was never designed for speed and you will be hitting that other 15% real quick. I got the Platinum relic in The High Road after over an hour of trying and trying until my right thumb developed a blister so I can say this with confidence - these time trials suck and they will drain any remaining enjoyment for this game from you. They messed with the physics on the turtle jumps and steel bounce boxes and you are going to notice.
As someone who grew up with Crash 1, this is less a full improvement that I would fully recommend over the original and more of a more modern, more accessible version of Crash 1 that fixed the save system that everyone hated but added a few tiny little downgrades along the way that won't be totally noticeable until you dig real deep and even then, you're just playing a version of Crash 1 and Crash 1 isn't very amazing either. Crash 1 is an important game in video game history, sure, but that doesn't mean it's good. Just impressive.
Also, yes, I gotta be That Guy - The color choices and character models looked better in the original game. We live in a post-Crash 4 world and therefore it's kinda hard to go back to these models trying to attempt a semi-realistic approach with their grody fur textures and their beady little eyes. I hate jumping on the vultures in Slippery Climb/Stormy Ascent and seeing their weird mashed potato faces inflate their eyeballs in a way that reads "graphical glitch" over "cartoony facial expression". I hate Koala Kong's tiny little mouth and how I can see his every fur particle from across the cavern. Anyone who says that Crash 4 "ruined the art style" and they should've stuck with this look is lying.
Crash Bandicoot (2017) ironically fills the same niche as Crash Bandicoot (1996). Much like how the original Crash Bandicoot is a ground-breaking game, one of the first 3D platformers, that was immediately outclassed by the more enjoyable PS1/N64 games that came after it, the Crash N. Sane Trilogy version of Crash 1, the game that sparked a renaissance of "let's reboot that 90's video game but faithfully this time", is now outclassed by all the more enjoyable 90's game remakes released after it. There's a real sense of "eh, good enough" permeating this game's code (that I'm solely blaming the Activision higher-ups for, the dev time for this couldn't have been pretty) that makes every jump in this hard precision-based platformer feels like it's going to succeed only about 85% of the time.
Which is completely fine if you're just going for level completion and boxes - and, despite this game's reputation, the lives are pretty generous - but those sick bastards also put in time trials in a game that was never designed for speed and you will be hitting that other 15% real quick. I got the Platinum relic in The High Road after over an hour of trying and trying until my right thumb developed a blister so I can say this with confidence - these time trials suck and they will drain any remaining enjoyment for this game from you. They messed with the physics on the turtle jumps and steel bounce boxes and you are going to notice.
As someone who grew up with Crash 1, this is less a full improvement that I would fully recommend over the original and more of a more modern, more accessible version of Crash 1 that fixed the save system that everyone hated but added a few tiny little downgrades along the way that won't be totally noticeable until you dig real deep and even then, you're just playing a version of Crash 1 and Crash 1 isn't very amazing either. Crash 1 is an important game in video game history, sure, but that doesn't mean it's good. Just impressive.
Also, yes, I gotta be That Guy - The color choices and character models looked better in the original game. We live in a post-Crash 4 world and therefore it's kinda hard to go back to these models trying to attempt a semi-realistic approach with their grody fur textures and their beady little eyes. I hate jumping on the vultures in Slippery Climb/Stormy Ascent and seeing their weird mashed potato faces inflate their eyeballs in a way that reads "graphical glitch" over "cartoony facial expression". I hate Koala Kong's tiny little mouth and how I can see his every fur particle from across the cavern. Anyone who says that Crash 4 "ruined the art style" and they should've stuck with this look is lying.
Now Sunny Starscout is free to make her own decisions but if *I* were a pony living in Maretime Bay, I would simply evict the one violently racist guy that once overthrew the government and tried to commit pony genocide in the movie. I get it, friendship is magic, everyone deserves a second chance, yadda yadda but It's clear he's not learning his lesson. He's constantly trying to incite angry mobs instead of getting a hobby like herding bunnies or making glitter paint.
2012
Rune Factory 4, 30 minutes in: "Uwaaaah!" (ᗒᗣᗕ) *clumsily falls and presses both asscheeks on the camera*
Rune Factory 4, 10 hours in: "The world is dying and I am dying. I sacrificed the lives of my friends centuries ago to extend my lifespan but I am living on borrowed time. Please, for the love of the world and for the love of your country, find my friends, now twisted into horrible monsters, and undo the spell that I have wrought. Grant them all this final blessing of mercy." *writhes in agony while the head butler judges a level 3 potato*
Rune Factory 4, 10 hours in: "The world is dying and I am dying. I sacrificed the lives of my friends centuries ago to extend my lifespan but I am living on borrowed time. Please, for the love of the world and for the love of your country, find my friends, now twisted into horrible monsters, and undo the spell that I have wrought. Grant them all this final blessing of mercy." *writhes in agony while the head butler judges a level 3 potato*
Call me a Hater all you like, but seeing levels from Super Mario Bros. 3 remade for this game really makes me yearn once more for the era where the giant Nintendo Corporation didn't nail "The Marketable Look™" of Mario games yet. Something was definitely lost here.
Also one of the three levels included in this DLC (that you had to pay $2.50 for at one point) is World 1-1 from Super Mario Bros. Literally every New Super Mario Bros. game riffs on World 1-1 including this one.
Also one of the three levels included in this DLC (that you had to pay $2.50 for at one point) is World 1-1 from Super Mario Bros. Literally every New Super Mario Bros. game riffs on World 1-1 including this one.
I want Sega to turn this into the beginning of a fun side-series of visual novels. I'd even pay money for a longer, more complex version of this game because I just like hanging out with Sonic's friends and letting them breathe as characters. This is the best portrayal of Shadow they've written in years, and all they had to do was make him print out the front page of a website by accident.
Also this game legitimately has a better final boss than Sonic Frontiers.
Also this game legitimately has a better final boss than Sonic Frontiers.
2021
IMPORTANT NOTE - After being included in the Bundle for Ukraine 2022 itch.io Bundle, this game was taken down a couple months later by the creator. If you don't already have this on your computer, you're probably never going to play this.
IS THIS A HUGE LOSS? - ...no, not really. It's just Game and Watch's "Egg" but with an anime wolf girl. The title is a reference to Volk from the Russian cartoon Ну, Погоди!. You'll basically get the jist of this game if you watch a video of it on Youtube.
IS THIS A HUGE LOSS? - ...no, not really. It's just Game and Watch's "Egg" but with an anime wolf girl. The title is a reference to Volk from the Russian cartoon Ну, Погоди!. You'll basically get the jist of this game if you watch a video of it on Youtube.
2017
I enjoy games in the "draw the best path out of multiple paths" genre and this one is no exception. The stretchy dogs looked a little odd but I'm kinda glad that they went with a different breed (corgi?) over the obvious dachshund choice.
Not much else to say beyond that but I kinda love what happens when rivers are introduced and you have to use strategically placed dog bodies and time travel to get every dog to their bowls. It makes sense in context, I swear.
Not much else to say beyond that but I kinda love what happens when rivers are introduced and you have to use strategically placed dog bodies and time travel to get every dog to their bowls. It makes sense in context, I swear.
I know it's not a hot take by any means to say "the New Super Mario Bros franchise is a bland, flavorless oatmeal of reused assets" but man I am struggling to finish this one. I have to play this 2D Mario in the middle of the day because it's a powerful cure for insomnia.
Sure, it functions well enough, the level design is tighter since there's no 4-player, and I don't think this is the worst NSMB game (Reznor and Raccoon Mario over Boom Boom and the squirrel suit make this better than U) but also I can't help but think about how there was a Game Boy game where some of the level themes were "Halloween", "Giant House", and "Giant Robot Mario" while this game can't be assed to think of something beyond "well World 2 HAS to be the desert level right, that's how it was 6 years ago".
Come on, man. At least do something with the whole "collect all the money" theme. Have Bowser's Castle be themed around giant piles of treasure. Give the Koopalings some slightly altered designs where they're just covered in jewelry. Make Mario explore a sunken pirate ship with cartoony pirate skeleton enemies instead of just having the beach/ocean world be the beach/ocean world from NSMBWii. This didn't have to be boring!
UPDATE - I beat the final boss after writing this review. It starts with a fakeout battle where Bowser recreates the mechanics from the Super Mario Bros Bowser fights and then he grows really big. Wow. Never seen that before.
Sure, it functions well enough, the level design is tighter since there's no 4-player, and I don't think this is the worst NSMB game (Reznor and Raccoon Mario over Boom Boom and the squirrel suit make this better than U) but also I can't help but think about how there was a Game Boy game where some of the level themes were "Halloween", "Giant House", and "Giant Robot Mario" while this game can't be assed to think of something beyond "well World 2 HAS to be the desert level right, that's how it was 6 years ago".
Come on, man. At least do something with the whole "collect all the money" theme. Have Bowser's Castle be themed around giant piles of treasure. Give the Koopalings some slightly altered designs where they're just covered in jewelry. Make Mario explore a sunken pirate ship with cartoony pirate skeleton enemies instead of just having the beach/ocean world be the beach/ocean world from NSMBWii. This didn't have to be boring!
UPDATE - I beat the final boss after writing this review. It starts with a fakeout battle where Bowser recreates the mechanics from the Super Mario Bros Bowser fights and then he grows really big. Wow. Never seen that before.
You start this game by shaking your 3DS to wake up a 144p video of Patchy the Pirate surrounded in so many JPG artifacts that he has his own heavenly glow and this is why I'm forgiving this game for having a runtime as long as the first Parappa the Rapper.
This is a pretty solid monster collecting RPG overall but man oh man did Square-Enix do an incredible job at surgically removing all of the charm present in the original Game Boy game in order to make it more like DQM: Joker, wi-fi battle metagame and all.
My best example is the library. In the original, you walk into a building and check each bookshelf for little Pokedex entries of each monster. Each page has the monster's sprite, some breeding information, and one sentence of flavor text. The flavor text is small, but it's stuff like "The reflection of the mirror can trap souls in the underworld" and it was junk food for little kid me's imagination. In this game, you walk up to the library once, the librarian says "oh I gave you a portable library that you can access in your menu" and, when you check the library app on the bottom of your touch screen, each monster's entry is all statistics and data, clinically vomited out to you in lists, with every piece of text devoted to the battle mechanic instead of something silly like "world-building". You don't even get the monster's 3D model! It makes each monster feel less alive than they did in the 8-bit game, and it's all to support that lovely multiplayer battle system that the game occasionally elbows me and tells me about.
And honestly, the whole game is like this. Since the remake takes place in big, sprawling super empty 3D spaces that take longer to walk through than the sprite-based rooms in the GB title, they made damn sure that you could teleport to important landmarks at any time from the touch screen so you didn't have to worry about walking anywhere anymore. This speeds up the gameplay, sure, but then The Great Tree ceases to be a location and becomes more of a series of Important Rooms that you can blip in and out of. No no, mustn't waste the player's time trying to make this place feel like a livable area, better make sure they can build up their wi-fi team asap.
I do think there's a fun little game here, but this is less "remake" and more "sequel to the Joker games, now wearing the skin of an older game" and there was truly nothing more depressing than playing that first hour of gameplay and just saying to myself "oh no no no what did they do" in a way I've never felt for other, more contested remakes like Ratchet and Clank 2016 or Let's Go Pikachu.
It's efficient, but the efficiency came at the cost of its soul. And honestly? Playing this is just making me want to play the original Dragon Warrior Monsters again.
Quick side-note: I have zero complaints about the actual text translation for this game, you guys are awesome.
---------
QUICK EDIT NOW THAT I'VE BEATEN THE GAME
It's like this in the original, but since the final boss of this game takes place during a tournament, that means it's 100% luck-based and you WILL watch your monsters make stupid decisions with their little walnut-sized brains. My Jamirus is a real brain-genius and cast Kaswooshle on a monster that absorbs wind damage.
My best example is the library. In the original, you walk into a building and check each bookshelf for little Pokedex entries of each monster. Each page has the monster's sprite, some breeding information, and one sentence of flavor text. The flavor text is small, but it's stuff like "The reflection of the mirror can trap souls in the underworld" and it was junk food for little kid me's imagination. In this game, you walk up to the library once, the librarian says "oh I gave you a portable library that you can access in your menu" and, when you check the library app on the bottom of your touch screen, each monster's entry is all statistics and data, clinically vomited out to you in lists, with every piece of text devoted to the battle mechanic instead of something silly like "world-building". You don't even get the monster's 3D model! It makes each monster feel less alive than they did in the 8-bit game, and it's all to support that lovely multiplayer battle system that the game occasionally elbows me and tells me about.
And honestly, the whole game is like this. Since the remake takes place in big, sprawling super empty 3D spaces that take longer to walk through than the sprite-based rooms in the GB title, they made damn sure that you could teleport to important landmarks at any time from the touch screen so you didn't have to worry about walking anywhere anymore. This speeds up the gameplay, sure, but then The Great Tree ceases to be a location and becomes more of a series of Important Rooms that you can blip in and out of. No no, mustn't waste the player's time trying to make this place feel like a livable area, better make sure they can build up their wi-fi team asap.
I do think there's a fun little game here, but this is less "remake" and more "sequel to the Joker games, now wearing the skin of an older game" and there was truly nothing more depressing than playing that first hour of gameplay and just saying to myself "oh no no no what did they do" in a way I've never felt for other, more contested remakes like Ratchet and Clank 2016 or Let's Go Pikachu.
It's efficient, but the efficiency came at the cost of its soul. And honestly? Playing this is just making me want to play the original Dragon Warrior Monsters again.
Quick side-note: I have zero complaints about the actual text translation for this game, you guys are awesome.
---------
QUICK EDIT NOW THAT I'VE BEATEN THE GAME
It's like this in the original, but since the final boss of this game takes place during a tournament, that means it's 100% luck-based and you WILL watch your monsters make stupid decisions with their little walnut-sized brains. My Jamirus is a real brain-genius and cast Kaswooshle on a monster that absorbs wind damage.