The turtles’ first attempt at a video game didn’t really work out so well, with it having some level of promise, but being held back by horrible level design, awkward-ass movement, and just a general lack of care, which isn’t something you would expect to see from an early Turtles game made by Konami. But hey, at least the worst is behind us, and we can now move onto the good stuff. Like I mentioned in the TMNT NES review, Konami was primarily responsible for developing a good handful of the early TMNT games for a while, and a good number of them are held in high regard, so needless to say, I was in for some good ol’ fashioned arcade beat-’em-up fun… at least, that’s what I thought going into it, and yet, I had a somewhat different experience with TMNT for the arcades.

Going into this game, I was expecting an absolute BANGER of an arcade beat-’em-up, similar to what TMNT: Turtles in Time gave me and many others. After all, it was made by Konami, and Turtles in Time was made afterwards, so surely the original arcade game has to have some sort of similar quality that Turtles in Time borrowed from, right? Well, I mean… it kind of does. Don’t get me wrong, this game isn’t bad at all, as it does lay the groundwork for what TMNT back then games should be, and it does have some good qualities that hold up to this day, but… it is pretty rough, for more then one reason. For these reasons, I can only say that the game is alright, and nothing more. Yes, I did enjoy my time with it (to an extent), but there are several big factors holding this game back from being great, or even that good.

The story is your average TMNT affair: Shredder’s fucking about, go stop him, which is pretty much all you need for one of the earliest TMNT games, so I will allow it, the graphics are really damn good, being very colorful, with enjoyable animations from the turtles, and extremely well done sprites for the characters, the music is absolutely fantastic, having some of the best, and dare I say, raddest tunes of any liscensed arcade game out there, the control is very solid, with all the usual actions you would expect, and the gameplay is… extremely basic, which would usually be enough for me to get behind, but again, there are some issues with it that we will get to.

The game is your average 2D side-scrolling beat-’em-up, where you take control of one of the four Ninja Turtles, go through several stages of a very hostile New York (even more hostile than normal), beat up as many Foot Soldiers or other threats that attack you, grab any pizza that is lying about (which is probably all moldy and disgusting by now) to give you and edge up on your foes, and take on plenty of iconic bosses from the comics and TV show that will certainly put you to the test. Now, all of this should make a pretty incredible arcade experience, and for a good chunk of it, it does, as the presentation is still absolutely fantastic, but the gameplay does hold it back from reaching that potential.

First and foremost, the game is way too basic in terms of a beat-’em-up. Yes, that is to be expected for a game like this released around this time, but there is a way to provide a memorable environment while still sticking to the basics for your gameplay. Captain Commando is a good example of it, and even Konami’s own The Simpsons Arcade Game could also fill out these roles. Sure, those did come out later, but they both have a very unique world and energy to them that still makes them endearing, and therefore, more fun. With this game, however, it is pretty much a checklist for what you would expect to see in a TMNT beat-’em-up, and nothing more, which was all that players and fans needed back in the day, but considering the leaps and bounds that future games would take, like with Turtles and Time and even Shredder’s Revenge much later down the line, it does make this one seem less preferable, and just stands as “the first one” as a result.

And secondly, with this being the main problem I have with this game… this game is pretty damn hard. Now, I know what you are thinking, “Yeah, no shit, it’s an old arcade game, of course it is hard”, but something about the difficulty of the game doesn’t feel right, and even feels somewhat unfair at times. There are many times where you can easily be ganged up on by both enemies and bosses, take a lot of damage before you can do anything about it, and your pocket full of change will quickly diminish as a result. Seriously, there were many points where I could barely get a good amount of hits on a boss before I then got smacked down for even trying to attempt to play the game. The part that fully encapsulates this unfair difficulty balance would be with the fight against Shredder. It is appropriate that he would be the hardest part of the game, as he is the final boss, but good GOD, the amount of damage he deals to you and how fast he can kill you is ridiculous, with clones that will happily interrupt your attacks on the regular, attacks that you can’t avoid too easily, and one attack that INSTANTLY KILLS YOU. Yeah, that is bullshit, and I don’t care what anyone says against my statement on that.

Now, with all of that said, it is still a good game. Like I mentioned before, the presentation is absolutely incredible, and the gameplay still serves as the basis for what all other TMNT beat-’em-ups should be, but again, it’s the difficulty and the somewhat blandness of the game that makes it less than desirable when compared to other titles. Would this be sufficient enough for someone who hasn’t played any other TMNT game, as well as being one of the first games from the turtles? Absolutely, but considering where we have come since then, and the things that I mentioned earlier, it is definitely a game that I am not gonna be coming back to in the near future.

Overall, while the game has great graphics and music, while also giving off the exact feeling of what a TMNT game should be, the gameplay is basic enough and unfairly challenging enough to the point where I can only consider it alright in comparison to other similar titles. I would only recommend it for those who are either fans of the later TMNT games, or for those who are fans of TMNT in general, but otherwise, there are plenty of better options out there. Also, can we just talk about how, for the promotional illustrations of this game, the Ninja Turtles themselves are illustrated, but April ‘o Neil and Shredder are being portrayed by real people. The fuck’s that all about? Let’s just hope that those two actors got paid a hefty sack of cash for that, because they look really stupid in those poses.

Game #303

Despite how awkward it feels to control at times, as well as the length and weirdness of the game, the original Super Mario Land was still a decent enough game, and it proved that a Mario game could work just as well on a smaller system as it does on a console. So, as one would expect, a sequel was going to be made, and for this sequel, the development team wanted to create something much more unique compared to the other Mario games that have been made so far………… only to then go back on this decision to create a game very similar to that of Super Mario World. However, some of this uniqueness would carry over, not just with the game itself, but also with the plot being changed from what players were used to seeing from these games. So, after almost a year of development, they then released the sequel to the original Mario Land known as Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins.

In terms of mainline handheld Mario games, this entry in particular is usually held in pretty high regards, not just with delivering the same timeless and fun gameplay that we have all grown to love, but also with implementing worlds and elements never seen in any other Mario game before or since then. And I am gonna have to agree with that general consensus, because taking inspiration from Super Mario World was definitely the right choice, rather then whatever it was that they originally had intended. As a followup to Super Mario Land, this is a MASSIVE improvement over what we were given in that game, and as a game on its own, it is fantastic. Is it anything too special compared to other titles in the series, and it is absolutely flawless? No, but for being a simple handheld Mario game, it is pretty damn impressive, especially for 1992, and it holds up very well to this day.

The story is NOT about saving any damsel in distress, but instead taking back your castle from a mysterious new foe, which is probably more important to Mario then saving a princess for the millionth time, the graphics are Game Boy graphics, with the artstyle and sprites being much better and more detailed then what we got in Super Mario Land, the music is very catchy, bouncy, and enjoyable, with some very replayable tracks out of the bunch, the control is what you would expect for a Mario game, and it is as tight and seamless as ever, and the gameplay is, again, what you would expect from a Mario game, but in comparison to the last game, it is a significant step in the right direction.

The game is yet another 2D platformer, where you go through many different side-scrolling levels, defeat many of the enemies that stand in your way, avoid dangerous platforming hazards, gather many different powerups, coins, and extra lives along the way, and take on easy, yet creative and enjoyable bosses. It is what you would expect from a 2D Mario title, but it still remains pretty fun and imaginative to this day. In terms of new features to this game, there aren’t really that many new powerups, except for one known as the Magic Carrot, which turns you into Bunny Mario, who can… flutter down very slowly when you push the button. So basically, it’s just like the Tanooki Leaf from Mario 3, except you can’t fly upwards or attack enemies. That’s kind of lame, but hey, it is still fun to use. Not to mention, this game takes plenty of inspiration from, like I said, Super Mario World, where there is an overworld map, you can tackle levels in any order you want (for the most part), and there are several secret levels that you can find by reaching alternate exits in specific levels. These levels aren’t really all that spectacular, and they don’t last long at all, but they are a nice bonus for those who are wanting more out of the game.

One of the best aspects that this game has going for it, like I mentioned earlier, is the amount of creativity that was put into this game. Sure, the main gameplay mechanics aren’t changed up significantly whatsoever, but everything around the gameplay does stand out as being unique to this day, such as with the worlds and the enemies in levels. I’m sure we are all familiar with the types of worlds Mario games have you go through: Grass World, Desert World, Beach World, Forest World, Snow World, Cliff World, Sky World, and Hell World. These world themes aren’t bad by any means, but we have seen them so many times in Mario games, you tend to get sick of the lack of variety.

However, in Mario Land 2, there are plenty of interesting world themes, with some pretty unique levels to go along with them. We have the usual shit, like your regular grass levels and a world inside of a tree, but then we have a world in space, a world inside a spooky Jack-O-Lantern, a world where you get shrunken down and have to traverse through a regular house, and even one where you climb through a giant mechanical Mario robot! Sure, most of these themes aren’t too creative, but they are ones that we have never seen in any other Mario game before and since this one, and they are very memorable and fun to traverse through. And in terms of the enemies, there is a great variety of old and new ones, like ants, moles, angry stars, Cow-Fish things, Goombas wearing hockey masks like Jason Vorhees, and even a tiny little Dracula that is adorable. Again, like with the worlds, you don’t see these types of enemies in most other Mario games, making this one stand out much more, and in turn, being even more fun and memorable.

Of course, how could I forget about one of the defining features of this game, that being the brand new villain of the game. This villain was created specifically out of spite for working on a game that the developers didn’t primarily create, which is ironic, considering this character would come to be one of the best characters in the entire franchise, as well as one of the greatest and most iconic characters in video game history. I am, of course, talking about Wario. He may just be a bad version of Mario (quite literally), but he has become so much more than that over the years. He is fat, he is rude, he is insanely greedy, and he cares about nobody other than himself, stomping anyone down in his path to get whatever the hell he wants…….. and I absolutely love him for all of those reasons. There is a reason why he has gotten multiple series of his own games, even all the way to this day.

I know I have been raving on and on about this game for this entire review, but honestly, there aren’t really that many complaints that I have with the game overall. It is an immensely solid title that I had an absolute blast replaying for this review, and it does still hold up very well. I guess if I did have some complaints I could give, I would say that the game is kind of short, as well as kind of easy, but considering all of the levels you can play through, with some being pretty challenging, I don’t really see this as much of an issue. This could also be said for the fact that, if you get a Game Over, any of the 6 golden coins you have gathered at that point are taken away from you, and you have to get it back. That does kind of suck, but again, the game is somewhat easy, as it gives you lives a plenty, so even then, you probably won’t get a Game Over in the first place.

Overall, despite there being some very minor issues that I can see with it, Super Mario Land 2 is an almost perfect follow-up to the original Super Mario Land, one with a great amount of creativity for a Mario game, and one that is still very fun to blast through even to this day. I would definitely recommend it for anybody, as well as Mario fans in general, even if you didn’t like the original Mario Land at all. Trust me, it is definitely worth it. Now I just can’t wait to see what Super Mario Land 3 has in store next! someone whispers into my ear....... Whassat? Oh… well… that didn’t take long at all.

Game #302

Tired of motherfuckers in Olathe telling me, always in the bar, Brad Armstrong ain’t bout this, Brad Armstrong ain’t bout that, they say that fella don’t be putting in no work. SHUT THE FUCK UP! Y'all fellas ain’t know shit! All ya motherfuckers talk about "Brad Armstrong ain’t no hitta Brad Armstrong ain’t this Brad Armstrong a fake." SHUT THE FUCK UP! Y'all don’t live with that guy. Y'all know that guy got caught with buddy, Shootin fireballs at Rando guys and shit. Fella been on probation since fuckin, I don’t know when! Motherfuckers stop fuckin' playin' him like that! Them mutants savages out there! If I catch another motherfucker talking sweet about Brad Armstrong, I’m fucking beating they ass! I’m not fucking playing no more! You know his party roll with Terry Hintz and them.