This review contains spoilers

-- In Remake, despite all the flak they (rightfully) earned for narrative bloat, Square was ultimately able to pull a traditional three-act structure out from the original game's opening hours. They are unable to do that here. Rebirth’s plot is as episodic as it gets, with the narrative driven only by chasing after the robed men, because they’re following Sephiroth or something or other. Which would be fine, if the characters and their relationships were used as the emotional through-line, but this is where I felt like Rebirth stumbles. There are, of course, plenty of great little character moments of the kind that made Remake’s story so engaging. Unlike Remake, they don’t add up to anything. The party just doesn't talk to each other enough outside of exposition, even in the wake of major revelations, and the only relationship that gets enough focus to constitute an “arc” is between Cloud and Tifa. And the scenes between them are outstanding, but I don’t understand why nobody else gets the same consistent attention. Especially Aerith, since, well, you know. Her speech at Cosmo Canyon feels like the culmination of a story thread that doesn’t actually exist.

-- I guess this is unavoidable, but the fact remains that any physical space this could drum up was always going to pale in comparison to how interesting and unique Midgar was. Let alone a mostly empty, standard-issue five biome open world. You got the forest, the jungle, the desert, the mountains etc. like it’s a PS2-era platformer. It’s not bad, but none of it can compare to the Sector 7 slums, or the Shinra building, or the Mako Reactors.

-- The story missions don’t lend themselves well to the open world format. It makes perfect sense to complete lots of minor side content when the main story missions are bite-sized and evenly spread out across the map, revisiting old sections, giving you a chance to complete the side content during travel time. In Rebirth, the story missions are all long, relatively self-contained, and usually set in entirely new regions. The format ends up being hours of story missions, followed by hours of filler side content, rinse and repeat. It's not an ideal structure.

-- Compounding that, most of the side content just sucks. So much of each map is littered with Ubisoft-tier time wasting filler. The real side quests are actually better than Remake’s, but unlike there, in Rebirth they mostly just feel like distractions from the main narrative. And of course, the party can’t really fully develop as characters during side quests because they have to be optional and time-insensitive.

-- If you're dumb enough to do all the side content like I was, the game mocks you by making the final side quest, final protorelic, and final Queen’s Blood opponent all nearly impossible. Also it makes the game 100+ hours long which is the wrong length for something that portends to be story-driven but is largely plotless. This is not a game that respects your time.

-- I can’t hear the dialogue over the fucking music. Somehow this made it through testing.

-- I didn't completely despise the ending, which is more than I can say for Remake. Despite all their best efforts to ruin it, the main emotional beats still landed for me. You have to ask, though: putting aside all logic, does all this metaphysical alternate timeline stuff actually add anything to the story? Is Aerith’s death improved in any way by leaving us wondering if she’s even really dead? No.*

-- I'm trying to decipher Nomura/Nojima/whoever’s rationale for the bizarre story additions and coming up short. Is this all an excuse to have more Zack? Do they feel obligated to deliver bombastic endings every time because the story is unfinished? Is it so long-time fans have something new to be surprised by? The changes seem reviled by most and sheepishly accepted by the rest, so who is this all for in the end?

-- More specifically, their stated reasoning for splitting the game in three parts was so that nothing iconic from the OG would have to be cut and disappoint people. And indeed, this has been a very literal adaptation in some ways. So why did they pick the most iconic moment of the entire story, of the entire franchise, to doodle on top of?



* Actually, there is one element of the timeline fuckery that I genuinely think adds to the story, which is that I believe it adds an interesting dimension to Aerith’s character in both Remake and Rebirth that she’s already aware of her impending doom on some level. Her optional scene in the garden with Cloud in Remake, and their final moments together in this game, are both some of the best and most emotionally poignant moments in the saga. Whether this is worth giving up the surprise of her death is another matter entirely.

This review contains spoilers

Imagine if Fellowship of the Ring ended with Frodo teleporting to outer space without warning, fighting Sauron in one-on-one combat, winning, teleporting back to the ground and then saying "oh I guess he got away". That would be pretty stupid, wouldn't it?

Not great, but interesting insofar that it might be the only game released during Activision's time with the license that came out of a genuine creative impulse, rather than a publisher mandate to churn out multiple new games every year.

The climbing in these games is seriously the most boring shit I've ever endured in my life, just ahead of all the parts where people talk to each other

An absolutely blatant rip-off of the original Half-Life, with terrible gunplay, no puzzles, and environments that all look exactly the same. Turns out you need more than a cool lighting trick to make an engaging game, who'd have thought?

Anyone else feel like this doesn't end so much as it just...stops?

This review contains spoilers

I feel like the devs had every right to change/adapt this story however they wanted without needing a big, dumb, convoluted in-universe explanation for it.

Actually really fun when it's not making you tear your hair out

I take it back, the story in this game is just awful

I had expected to complain mostly about what a stupid idea it was to abandon the tile-based gameplay of the last two Froggers, just to make yet another generic early-2000s platformer. And it was a stupid idea, but I wasn't prepared for this to be so insufferably awful even as it freely borrows from every other game ever made. There isn't a single fun moment in the entire thing; every single aspect is a complete failure, even down to the voice acting and music. It plays like shit, it looks like shit, with level design ripped straight out of Superman 64, and all the storytelling depth of a Lucky Charms commercial, with none of the charisma. You've played better terrible licensed GBA games. Total creatively bankrupt, cynical garbage.

The first game, for how terrible and janky it was, at least had a couple of interesting ideas in the invention system and the semi-open world design. Here, somebody apparently realized that it also barely had any objectives other than "run from one side of the map to the other", and so this game is standard linear platformer/shooter/racing licensed game stuff. Except, it's running on the same broken engine, which couldn't be any less suited for an action game. The inventions are all gone, as is the large explorable map. It's terrible and janky too, but without the good parts!

I'm starting to realize that for every bad licensed game on the sixth-gen consoles, there was an even worse one on the PC.

Better than every 2D Mario game put together

A SpongeBob-flavored reskin of, like, Putt-Putt Saves the Zoo or something, but with 100% less charm. Completely fails at what Battle for Bikini Bottom did so well, in that none of the humor of the show has been carried over, and you're left listening to the most inane conversations ever to come out of these characters' mouths. The indecipherable cutscenes return from Operation Krabby Patty, as does the unshakable feeling that absolutely no time or effort was spent slapping the game together. I loved adventure games as a kid but distinctly remember being bored out of my mind by this.

Side note, this is AWE's second SpongeBob game in a row to feature a pin-up of Sandy, except this game actually shows it. Somebody on the dev team was definitely grappling with some stuff. Also featured are a very gay-coded fish and a reference to a classic Suicidal Tendencies song. These games are fucking weird.

There's a pretty significant chance this was the first video game I ever played, at a whopping 2 years old. And it took me until today, twenty years later, to beat every level without cheats. I don't think I've ever finished a harder game.

Here's a hot take: more games released nowadays should have the balls to be this brutally hard. It's a leap of faith, because you have to trust that the game is engaging enough at its core to keep players pushing through even the most punishing sections. And honestly, it works here most of the time. Frogger (1981) is a fun game, and SCE Cambridge was at least smart enough to recognize that its core tile-based gameplay should stay intact even in a modern setting. Compare this to Pac-Man World, which has pretty much nothing to do with the arcade game, and gets stuck in generic 3D platformer mode as a result. The foundation is strong here, and that's how it gets away with the difficulty.

Truthfully, I don't think the game is unfair in the way it's so often accused of. It's completely unforgiving, requiring pattern recognition on a level you will never ever see in a modern AAA game, but it's rarely unfair. Be honest: would the game be nearly as memorable if it wasn't so hard? No, because then it would just become Frogger Beyond, or Temple of the Frog, or whatever other reboot that nobody talks about. It's addictive and punishing, but rewarding, and that's how I was perfectly okay throwing 15 hours of my time at it.

Having said all that, this game is wildly imperfect, as anyone who's played it for any significant amount of time could tell you. The presentation is rough, especially when compared to Swampy's Revenge, and punches well below the weight of the PS1 hardware. The emphasis on arcade-style score attacks makes zero sense here, as it's enough of a challenge just getting through the levels in one piece. And on the subject of the difficulty, I'll admit I have a very hard time believing that an entire QA team was able to beat Big Boulder Alley with just three lives.

But I did, and that was a glorious feeling, and that counts for something.