gremlintv
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155 Reviews liked by gremlintv
Halo 3
2007
Gaylo 3
best police simulator of any game i've played before. the mentally ill never see the beatings coming.
[THIS REVIEW WAS FACT CHECKED BY TRUE TOJOU-KAI LOYALISTS - FACT RATING: TRUE]
Mario and Luigi. Sonic and Knuckles. Ratchet and Clank. Jak and Daxter. Ichiban and Kiryu. RGG studios and making the final act incomprehensible
It's a shame, because up until like chapter 11 I was genuinely considering whether this was the best RGG game, my only problems at that point was weird Engrish scenes and general language rules being all over the place - I wish I could go back.
Important note: I sound mad, and I might be, but it's still peak I'm afraid. Compared to RGG 7 the combat is better, the cutscenes are better, the minigames are better, the sidequests are better, the story i- well not that one but still it's an overall win.
Aggghh...! Dame dame Ichi-kun we've hecking run out of Infinite Budget! We've got to-jo wrap this up quick..!! AAAIIEEEEEEEE
Mario and Luigi. Sonic and Knuckles. Ratchet and Clank. Jak and Daxter. Ichiban and Kiryu. RGG studios and making the final act incomprehensible
It's a shame, because up until like chapter 11 I was genuinely considering whether this was the best RGG game, my only problems at that point was weird Engrish scenes and general language rules being all over the place - I wish I could go back.
Important note: I sound mad, and I might be, but it's still peak I'm afraid. Compared to RGG 7 the combat is better, the cutscenes are better, the minigames are better, the sidequests are better, the story i- well not that one but still it's an overall win.
Aggghh...! Dame dame Ichi-kun we've hecking run out of Infinite Budget! We've got to-jo wrap this up quick..!! AAAIIEEEEEEEE
Final Fantasy XVI
2023
This review contains spoilers
6/10 not diverse enough - joshua not kissed enough
i have issues - i see flaws, cracks and holes - someone kicks my door down and screams in my face "what was that scene, that was JRPG NONSENSE!!", i point my smartphone at him showing a gif of james franco in the 2018 western cinematic film the ballad of buster scruggs, he grabs my head and shakes it, "THAT CHARACTER IS UNDEVELOPED", i laugh as he is instantly crushed by $200 million in 100 yen coins, to be spent on the next bossfight cinematic
you laugh nervously, you ask me "we'll get back to the game of thrones stuff soon, right?" - i do not register it, i am already preparing to fight the concept of midlife crisis or some other dumb abstract shit personified into human with wings of arbitrary color - and personally i wouldnt have it any other way
ultimately, yoshida-dono said he wanted "the best graphics, the best story and the best battle system" and inspecting with any lens of signifant width it is clear that it is his victory and we mere peasants can squabble about things that could have been done better (some things of which i'd probably agree with), but in the end we can do nothing but kneel
while these bumps in the road may prove nauseating to those not accustomed to riding chocobos with no seatbelt, fact is that when the road gets smooth, thats when playing this game feels like finally playing every fake e3 trailer thats been dumped on our eyes for the past 15 years, thats when playing this game feels like FFXV finally released, thats when we are so back bros
it cannot be overstated how much these bossfights and cinematics feel like i can finally understand what it means when someone says their minds were blown by the FFVIII intro cinematic when it first came out, or what fighting sephiroth in 1997 felt like
if you ever doubted that this is "real" final fantasy, you need only take a look at the plotholes and weird sidequests that probably should have been main quests - true marks of a really good final fantasy game - if you don't get it why this is or you think this is stupid, click off the page and go back to livetweeting your colonoscopy or whatever it is you freaks do, and if you actually want to understand it, go play FFV for the love of god someone please play that game im fucking begging you
know that i was leaning on somewhere between 4 and 4.5 but had to round up because i saw some asshole put 3 stars with dishonored in his favorite games list and im fucking done playin with you foolsbut also i dont think i'd go below 8.5/10 anyway so i had to round up regardless please dont hurt me
where is biggs and wedge ? huh ? wait dont roll the credits yet you forg-
i have issues - i see flaws, cracks and holes - someone kicks my door down and screams in my face "what was that scene, that was JRPG NONSENSE!!", i point my smartphone at him showing a gif of james franco in the 2018 western cinematic film the ballad of buster scruggs, he grabs my head and shakes it, "THAT CHARACTER IS UNDEVELOPED", i laugh as he is instantly crushed by $200 million in 100 yen coins, to be spent on the next bossfight cinematic
you laugh nervously, you ask me "we'll get back to the game of thrones stuff soon, right?" - i do not register it, i am already preparing to fight the concept of midlife crisis or some other dumb abstract shit personified into human with wings of arbitrary color - and personally i wouldnt have it any other way
ultimately, yoshida-dono said he wanted "the best graphics, the best story and the best battle system" and inspecting with any lens of signifant width it is clear that it is his victory and we mere peasants can squabble about things that could have been done better (some things of which i'd probably agree with), but in the end we can do nothing but kneel
while these bumps in the road may prove nauseating to those not accustomed to riding chocobos with no seatbelt, fact is that when the road gets smooth, thats when playing this game feels like finally playing every fake e3 trailer thats been dumped on our eyes for the past 15 years, thats when playing this game feels like FFXV finally released, thats when we are so back bros
it cannot be overstated how much these bossfights and cinematics feel like i can finally understand what it means when someone says their minds were blown by the FFVIII intro cinematic when it first came out, or what fighting sephiroth in 1997 felt like
if you ever doubted that this is "real" final fantasy, you need only take a look at the plotholes and weird sidequests that probably should have been main quests - true marks of a really good final fantasy game - if you don't get it why this is or you think this is stupid, click off the page and go back to livetweeting your colonoscopy or whatever it is you freaks do, and if you actually want to understand it, go play FFV for the love of god someone please play that game im fucking begging you
know that i was leaning on somewhere between 4 and 4.5 but had to round up because i saw some asshole put 3 stars with dishonored in his favorite games list and im fucking done playin with you fools
where is biggs and wedge ? huh ? wait dont roll the credits yet you forg-
COME TO REBIRTH WE GOT THE
- 1 gorillion animation dollar budget
- industry standard setters of cutscenes and environments
- ....
- the worst act of the original game
- far cry tower
- far cry outpost
- far cry crafting
- open world with movement worse than zelda on the n64
- seriously, it's like ps1 tomb raider
- 3(!!) great chapters
- 11 uhhh other chapters
- story reliant on having played evercrisis and the free to play mobile battle royale????
- nojima 😡😡😡
- at least 3 hours spent in the materia menu
- the same bosses you fought in remake 3 times, 3 times
- the worst fucking minigames you've ever touched
- all the most annoying characters from anywhere else in the extended series
- benches?
- every action or animation locking you in for several extra unnecessary seconds
- shipbait
- tifa and aerith randomly deciding to act like harem anime characters for like 2 cutscenes
- fans who only read the title of the game and gave 5 stars on release date (all your reviews and ratings should be deleted)
- cait sith...?
- filler filler boat filler filler filler
- michael bay audio mixing
- bloated combat
- the sphere grid for some reason (but worse)
- "ahh cloud-kun you nearly touched mmy l-l-l-lips baka" yuffie
- crate puzzles you solve in 3 seconds and then spend 3 minutes doing
This is not the worst game I ever played, but it might be the most disappointed I've ever been going blind into a sequel of a game I liked. Before leaving a comment, please read the "Common Copes (CC)" section below. Thanks in advance.
COMMON COPES
C: But the original also had this many mini-games!
A: That was a shit part of the original too.
C: But the original also had this much filler!
A: That was shit too.
C: But in the original you also had to fiddle this much with materia!
A: That was also shit. Please just be normal and don't say all these silly things
C: I think this game is awesome man!
A: You must have Gone Gaga!
CLOSING THOUGHTS
If this kind of Ubisoft remake happened to my favorite RPG my only review would be a LiveLeak video.
- 1 gorillion animation dollar budget
- industry standard setters of cutscenes and environments
- ....
- the worst act of the original game
- far cry tower
- far cry outpost
- far cry crafting
- open world with movement worse than zelda on the n64
- seriously, it's like ps1 tomb raider
- 3(!!) great chapters
- 11 uhhh other chapters
- story reliant on having played evercrisis and the free to play mobile battle royale????
- nojima 😡😡😡
- at least 3 hours spent in the materia menu
- the same bosses you fought in remake 3 times, 3 times
- the worst fucking minigames you've ever touched
- all the most annoying characters from anywhere else in the extended series
- benches?
- every action or animation locking you in for several extra unnecessary seconds
- shipbait
- tifa and aerith randomly deciding to act like harem anime characters for like 2 cutscenes
- fans who only read the title of the game and gave 5 stars on release date (all your reviews and ratings should be deleted)
- cait sith...?
- filler filler boat filler filler filler
- michael bay audio mixing
- bloated combat
- the sphere grid for some reason (but worse)
- "ahh cloud-kun you nearly touched mmy l-l-l-lips baka" yuffie
- crate puzzles you solve in 3 seconds and then spend 3 minutes doing
This is not the worst game I ever played, but it might be the most disappointed I've ever been going blind into a sequel of a game I liked. Before leaving a comment, please read the "Common Copes (CC)" section below. Thanks in advance.
COMMON COPES
C: But the original also had this many mini-games!
A: That was a shit part of the original too.
C: But the original also had this much filler!
A: That was shit too.
C: But in the original you also had to fiddle this much with materia!
A: That was also shit. Please just be normal and don't say all these silly things
C: I think this game is awesome man!
A: You must have Gone Gaga!
CLOSING THOUGHTS
If this kind of Ubisoft remake happened to my favorite RPG my only review would be a LiveLeak video.
Rise of the Ronin
2024
Matthew C. Perry was mewing during the entirety of the game.
Soul Blazer
1992
neat
Yakuza 0
2015
First "Yakuza" game I played was Judgement. I didn't even know yakuza was a thing till then. So far after 0, I'm excited to see where it goes. Slugger Majima was my fav part.
"It's optional content" doesn't invalidate that that content is bad when its there to justify a 100 dollar price tag.
Nothing not already present in the previous installment of the remake trilogy appealed to me. That is, between 30 to 40 new mini-games and empty vistas. After the third open-world area I had my fill of some of the worst padding to grace a video game. Instead I decided to ignore side content and only play the main campaign which was fine. Very little happens until the end but I still enjoy the combat which mostly remains unchanged from Remake.
Cant wait to level up my Materia for the third time in the final entry.
Also immensely annoyed at playable characters being relegated to DLC or sequel. Gameplay and narrative disconnect for what?
Nothing not already present in the previous installment of the remake trilogy appealed to me. That is, between 30 to 40 new mini-games and empty vistas. After the third open-world area I had my fill of some of the worst padding to grace a video game. Instead I decided to ignore side content and only play the main campaign which was fine. Very little happens until the end but I still enjoy the combat which mostly remains unchanged from Remake.
Cant wait to level up my Materia for the third time in the final entry.
Also immensely annoyed at playable characters being relegated to DLC or sequel. Gameplay and narrative disconnect for what?
Onimusha: Warlords
2001
resident evil but chinese
Onimusha: Warlords
2001
asian devil may cry
many happy songs performed beautifully, though sometimes i think there is a profound sadness in her heart
miss me with that shipping nonsense. dont care about punchy big boobs girl or manic pixie dream ancient... give me the pretty spiky hair mothafucka..c'mere blondie lemme show u what a real buster sword do..
Mega Man 11
2018
In the long time I’ve spent running this account, I’ve grown both as a reviewer and as a person. And it’s become increasingly apparent that I need to apologize for a long streak of immature behavior regarding this particular series.
I’m sorry for giving Megaman games half star ratings over something as petty as not including Dr. Light x Dr. Wily yaoi.
It’s childish, it’s messing with the average review score, and above all else, it’s a really superficial way to look at art. I still do not like most of the games in this series but I promise to offer more substantial critique in the future. As a show of good faith, below is my honest review of Megaman 11:
This game fucking sucks because it doesn’t have Dr. Light x Dr. Wily yuri. Keiji Inafune should take his stupid fucking NFTs and shove them up his ass.
I’m sorry for giving Megaman games half star ratings over something as petty as not including Dr. Light x Dr. Wily yaoi.
It’s childish, it’s messing with the average review score, and above all else, it’s a really superficial way to look at art. I still do not like most of the games in this series but I promise to offer more substantial critique in the future. As a show of good faith, below is my honest review of Megaman 11:
This game fucking sucks because it doesn’t have Dr. Light x Dr. Wily yuri. Keiji Inafune should take his stupid fucking NFTs and shove them up his ass.