I would bet it all to smoke weed with Fang and Vanille in their dimly-lit bedroom full of empty takeout bags: I have never seen a burnout codependent lesbian couple depicted this plausibly. XIII is probably the first Final Fantasy to make intra-party dynamics a narrative priority, and the most successful in this. Good dub casting supports this, and it's the series title from which I came away most fond of the characters. Pretty much the gold standard of seventh generation console visuals, and the best version of the ATB system.

I was initially going to write a long section-by-section review of this, but I'm going to keep it short and simple—7 Rebirth is absolutely fantastic, and one of the best RPGs I've ever played. Following on from Remake, which I already absolutely loved, it improves on practically everything that game did, from a more fleshed out battle system with more toys to play with, to hugely better side content and large open areas to explore (worthwhile ones at that!), and continuing to develop these amazing characters in ways inconceivable in the original game. I spent over 90 hours playing this masterpiece, which is shocking to me as it sure did not feel like that—not a moment went by where I thought "this game is too long". There is plenty of worthwhile new story content which fleshes out areas and characters that were underdeveloped in the original game, which this game just does significantly better than Remake in my opinion. Not to say there aren't sections that miss—the box throwing dungeon is the definition of overcomplicating gimmicks and providing an all around miserable experience—but they are simply so minor that it doesn't really affect my opinion of the game.

I also have to give a shoutout to the surprising amount of gay couple NPCs; sure, it would be nice to have actual side quests about them, but the amount we got left me frankly amazed, and very hopeful for the future of this series in terms of representation. Speaking of which, this game does not even attempt to hide the camp of the original, instead embracing it and amplifying it to such an unprecedented extent, it's brilliant. Moreover, there's so much fun humour, bizarre PS1/2 era style side activities full of absurdity, Rebirth really seems to understand what make Final Fantasy so fun, fresh, and entertaining. If I have one minor gripe though, I do wish the affinity system gave you choices rather than forcing whoever had the highest, that left a somewhat bad taste in my mouth when the 'personalisation of your journey' was personalised against me, lol. Granted, the characters in this game are so amazing, I'll take bonding with any of them.

I have to give a special shout out to how they handled Red and his section at Cosmo Canyon, one of my favourite parts of the original. Not only did they restore his missing characterisation from the awful og loc, but they went above and beyond turning it into this magical place full of philosophy and pacifism, and delivering an even more emotional conclusion to his story. And that doesn't even begin to cover other additions, such as a certain heart-wrenching bonfire scene that I'm sure minorities of all kinds can relate to, as well as a significant expansion of lore mostly left uncovered in the original game.

The soundtrack is probably one of the best I've ever experienced in a video game, with such massive variety and outrageously good bangers, even for the most minor of moments. It might actually be THE best video game soundtrack for me, which is saying something—though I'll need to wait for the honeymoon period to end first.

I don't want to say much on the ending, but I have ended up on the side that loves it, contrasting Remake where I enjoyed it but felt the execution was pretty messy. The emotional core this time was massively more successful for me, and it makes me ridiculously excited to see how they bring this trilogy, no, entire compilation to its conclusion. Honestly, the only reason I can't give this game a perfect score is because it is admittedly fairly reliant on the next part sticking the landing, and I have seen many stories push resolution of unreasonable amounts of plot threads onto their finale, pretty much setting it up for failure in addressing them all satisfyingly. I have a lot of faith in Nojima and the rest of the team to tie it up well, but I'll keep my expectations in check for now.

After all... no promises await at journey's end.

"I am become joker, stacker of decks"
- Jokerheimer

"So Batman, you wanna know how I got these scores?"
- Michael B. Joker 🤡🤡🤡

"I only go for the Straights"
- James Charles (on Balatro, probably)

Me and my homeboys lookin like a FLUSH at the FUNCTION cuz we all wearing the SAME SUIT

This here be REAL JOKER POKER - many deckbuilders have tried, but few succeeds. Maybe it just wasnt In The Cards 🤷🏽‍♂️ And DONT pretend to be ANTI-WAR unless you can make it past ANTE-FOUR, you know what I mean?

I'd say 2x gamespeed is optimal because it makes the gameplay feel snappy without being rushed.

Roguelite meets poker meets... the mad urge to try one's luck against the mercilessness of mathematical probabilities. To the wrong players, Balatro may become an addiction - to the right players, it certainly will.

Pros:
+ the simple presentation is perfectly realized
+ the gameplay loop is simple but addicting
+ no knowledge of card games or poker is necessary
+ gameplay is designed to offer various playstyles
+ joker system is a constant battle of risk and reward
+ huge number of jokers allows for plenty of experimentation
+ jokers and consumables can be sold and
+ option to skip fights extends the playstyle choices
+ unlocking new cards is a great motivator
+ challenge mode is a nice palatee cleanser between runs
+ the sole music track somehow manages to never get annoying

Cons:
- the tutorial is barebones and skips important aspects of the game
- joker and boss descriptions are often uninformative
- joker interactions cannot be inferred without trying them out
- higher difficulties are unbeatable without the right jokers
- boss blinds seem to be randomized, leading to unwinnable situations
- some of the bosses are not balanced and can damage a run beyond repair
- not all hands are equally viable for a winning run (straights are not worth it)
- some bugs and technical issue still have to be ironed out

Playtime: 48 hours with almost all decks unlocked but still quite a few difficulty levels to overcome.

Magic Moment: Getting the Egg joker, which periodically increases in sell price, and the Joker that adds the sell value of your jokers to your multiplayer in the first ante. Edging out a win on the final ante with a hail mary discard.

Verdict:
Balatro's deceptively simple look belies a surprisingly complex, satisfying riff on Texas hold 'em poker, combined with the usual rogue-lite chorus of "just one more run". The game constantly calls for meaningful choices that can turn a run on its head, even if the number of viable combinations of poker hands and jokers gets smaller and smaller as the difficulties increase. The challenge mode, however, is a nice addition that extends the possible playstyles even more, at least for players willing to really grind their teeth on the game's inherently frustrating randomness factor and often unclear joker interactions.

In any case, Balatro is a must play for roguelike and card game fans alike, and more proof that simple ideas can make for the best games. Play it, but know what you are getting into.

An absolutely phenomenal game. I finally got to play this on a decent PC, and I am so glad I could, as this thing looked beautiful and was so much fun.
The combat is intuitive and dynamic, and is everything that FFXV was missing. Being able to switch characters whenever you want as well as issue commands to the members you are not in control of is the best mid-way point between the ATB system and modern action gameplay.
I watched a Let's Play of this whole game a few years ago, as I thought it would never come to PC, and there were a few sections in that that I thought dragged on for way too long and didn't need to exist. Actually playing those sections though, there's only one chapter that drags (And that level is Hojo's laboratory. All my homies hate Hojo's laboratory). All the sections don't seem as long, because the gameplay is so fun that it distracts from how far away the goal is.
This is also one of the best usages of summons in the series, because they actually feel as if they do something meaningful and are not a pain in the ass to activate.
The materia system is as good as it was in the original, even if I couldn't find the Enemy Skill materia. There's even some new materia sprinkled in there, all of which feel warranted and well-balanced.
I also cannot overstate just how cool this game feels. Everything is so cinematic and smooth. This was the second time I ever used photo mode in a game, and let me tell you I got some magnificent shots.
I only had two minor gripes with this game. The first was the sidequests. They aren't all that gripping to begin with, and the overall quality of the dialogue and character models dip noticeably during them. They were well-implemented into the narrative, and I didn't hate doing them, but they just felt as if I was watching a cutscene from Lightning Returns.
The other gripe is not actually with this game specifically and more so where Square might be taking the series going forward. This game is not just a remake but also a sequel to the original in a way, and I feel that a lot of players unfamiliar with the original game or Crisis Core may feel as if they have to go play all of those in order to understand these remakes. I honestly wouldn't mind if the trilogy is just a one-to-one remake of the original just with better graphics. I also didn't mind the new additions to this entry. I just do not want Rebirth to end up as some completely different game that looks nothing like the original just because fate has changed its course. Let me see all the dumb stuff from the OG, Square!

The DLC is fine, if a tad too long. I am way too good at Fort Condor, and Sonon is probably the slowest party member in all of Final Fantasy.