stovetop
548 Reviews liked by stovetop
Review applies to both this game and Kirby's adventure which this is a remake of. This is an extremely solid follow-up to Kirby's Dream Land. Taking everything that already works from the first game and giving Kirby the new iconic copy ability that changes everything, and makes Kirby who he is today.
A great platformer with a relaxed but fun difficulty. Kirby's (Adventure) knightmare in dreamland keeps you on your toes offering you new copy abilities to play with until the final levels. Copy abilities offer some good replayability due to the fact that it offers you mutliple ways to play.
Nothing here reaches the heights some other parts of the series do, but it is consistently good the whole way through. I like to consider Kirby's Adventure the original Super Mario Bros of the franchise where it is a great foundation to the rest of the series, but still has potential to reach the great heights it eventually does.
A great platformer with a relaxed but fun difficulty. Kirby's (Adventure) knightmare in dreamland keeps you on your toes offering you new copy abilities to play with until the final levels. Copy abilities offer some good replayability due to the fact that it offers you mutliple ways to play.
Nothing here reaches the heights some other parts of the series do, but it is consistently good the whole way through. I like to consider Kirby's Adventure the original Super Mario Bros of the franchise where it is a great foundation to the rest of the series, but still has potential to reach the great heights it eventually does.
[Average reading time: 10 minutes]
A challenging platformer wrapped in a very pretty package.
This isn't my first foray with Croc. I distinctly remember attempting to play through this game a number of years ago and then quitting in world 3 due to a crazy difficulty spike. Now, a few years later, my brain spiders command me to once again control the lovable green reptilian and try to beat this game for good. Of course, I knew what I was getting into, and decided to make one small, yet absurdly essential change to make this game more fun.
Now, anyone who's read my Billy Hatcher review knows my opinions about lives systems in games, and that opinion of mine isn't going away. Because of this, I implemented an unlimited lives cheat for this run. As I go further into detail about my time with Croc, it will become clearer as to why I did this, but I did want to state this early on, just for the sake of clarity regarding my experience this time around.
Now, Croc has a simple story. You witness Croc floating in a basket towards a group of Gobbos, who then adopt and raise him. Soon, Baron Dante makes his presence known, sending his troops to kidnap the Gobbos. The Gobbo King bangs a gong to have Croc sent away from the chaos, allowing Croc the chance to fight back and save his friends!
A simple plot for a simple game. However, the instruction manual gives way more detail about the Gobbo world. Reading it will teach you more about the Gobbos as a species, the Gobbo King, referred to as "King Rufus the Intolerant", Croc's experiences growing up with the Gobbos, and even information about Baron Dante's evil group, referred to as "The Dantinis". It's also a bizarrely funny read, with a lot of jokes that stick the landing very well. If you want to read something that will make you constantly double take, read the Croc instruction manual!
Once you take control of Croc, you'll immediately notice a point of contention regarding this game: it's a 3D platformer with tank controls. Needless to say, not the most comfortable platforming experience. Even using an analog controller does not fix this issue, sadly. You'll often find yourself stopping to turn yourself to line up a jump, and jumping feels very stiff. Whatever direction you plan on moving in the air is the only direction you're moving, with little room for adjustment. Over time, of course, you'll get used to the platforming mechanics, but you'll never find yourself saying "this feels great to play!"
Aside from running and jumping, Croc has a few extra moves at his disposal. One of the most vital moves he possesses is his ability to turn around! Using a dedicated button, Croc can do a 180 degree turn whenever he wants, which is a godsend for re-orienting yourself to line up another jump. If you do it while he's on the move, he'll do a really cool flip that made me react like this when I first saw it.
As for Croc's combat ability, he has two moves to use. First, he has a tail swipe move that's great for deleting enemies from existence. His other move is a ground pound, performed by hitting the jump button twice. Aside from dispatching enemies, this move will allow Croc to bust open crates and objects blocking tunnel passageways. Gonna be honest here, I don't like that you have to hit jump twice for this. I wish it was mapped to a different button, because I would often have scenarios where I was doing a precision platforming section that required me to jump as soon as I landed on a platform, and if my timing was off slightly it would result in Croc stopping in midair, asserting the ground-pound position, and plummeting to his death. Not fun.
It's also worth noting that when Croc performs his attacking moves, he has a number of onomatopoeia's he can blurt out, such as "yazoo!" or "kersplat!" You would think this would get annoying after a while, but honestly it never bothered me. I think it adds to Croc's character, being a young croco on a big adventure to save a tribe of people who have a tradition of shoving kitchen utensils down their pants (PLEASE READ THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL I PROMISE I DIDN'T MAKE THAT UP)
Speaking of Croc as a character, oh man, would you take a look at these little guys! This game is filled to the brim with scrimblo-type characters, little dudes that you're gonna want plushies of as soon as you see them. They're EVERYWHERE! If you love little weirdos and want to catalogue them all, this is the perfect game for you. Absolutely loved seeing each new creature emerge on my screen as I played.
Okay, so we have cute characters in a fuzzy 32-bit world clearly made for kids. The controls take some getting used to but surely the main game doesn't get too taxing, right? Oh, how I wish I could say yes. For the first two worlds, it's honestly a pretty comfortable romp. Level design is highly forgiving, featuring non-intimidating level design unless you're going after collectibles. Once you hit world 3, though, you'll start seeing much more difficult stage layouts requiring you to perform more precise movements to get by. For me, this is where Croc begins to fall in terms of quality.
So, Croc behaves like Sonic the Hedgehog when it comes to taking damage, in that he'll drop this game's ring equivalent (gems) when getting hit. Get hit without them and you'll lose a life. It's around world 3 where you'll begin facing much more challenging platforming over damaging floors and bottomless pits. Because of this, it is incredibly easy to lose lives. Thankfully, you're given a checkpoint at every door/tunnel you exit, which means a death won't set you too far back. Getting a game over, however, sends you back to whichever stage you last saved at, which means starting a level over again from the beginning.
Now, on paper this doesn't seem like too bad of a punishment, but after getting game over's over and over again due to how easy it is for Croc to die I began to find it intolerable, hence why I opted for the unlimited lives cheat. I can accept dying and having to re-do a small section but having to re-do a stage over and over due to game overs, especially when you get close to the end of a stage, just feels intolerable in the modern era. If you want to tackle this game without such assists, then all the power to you. Just be prepared for a lot of level attempts in the back half of the game and lots of visits to specific stages to grind extra lives hidden away in secret spots.
When it comes to collectables in stages, you really only have two to worry about: Gobbos and colored gems. There are six Gobbos hidden in each stage, and collecting all of the Gobbos in the game allow you to access some secret levels that unlock even more secret stuff. Throughout the stage, you'll find five of these Gobbos hidden in boxes, cages, and on hard-to-reach platforms. "Wait hold on five? I thought you said there were six Gobbos in a stage!" So remember when I mentioned colored gems? You can find five of these in each stage either disguised as regular gems or hidden in boxes. Collecting all of these unlocks a door near the end of each stage, where you will either complete a platforming challenge or a minigame to rescue the last Gobbo.
The platforming challenges are straightforward enough. However, it's the minigames where I take issue with this system. While most minigames are perfectly fine, there's one that I dislike immensely. Basically, you have a cauldron that you control by jumping on two arrow buttons. Your goal is to catch the gems descending from the sky. Catch them all and you're awarded a Gobbo. The problems here are that this minigame goes on way too long, and if you miss even one, the mini game ends. You may think "Oh, if I die I can reset the mini game and try again." A smart idea, but sadly not the case. Losing any minigame without securing a Gobbo will require you to beat the entire stage again to retry it. This means re-collecting every Gobbo and colored gem along the way, which is a frustrating process if it happened in a more difficult level, even if you know what you're getting into.
With how difficult the stages can get, you would think the boss fights would also prove to be challenging. Surprisingly, the bosses in this game are absurdly easy. It's your typical "wait for them to attack and hit them when they're vulnerable" type of fights throughout the game, and dodging attacks is as simple as running in a circle around the boss while they do their thing. Also, almost every boss does this thing where they just stop animating and freeze after you deal the final blow, which is always funny to witness.
The more thing I want to touch on is the music. The soundtrack is pretty good! There's some leitmotif sprinkled throughout the stages, with overworld and underground areas sharing some melodies. The title screen is also pretty catchy and may or may not have had a chunk of its melody lifted from it to be a part of a main theme for a Nintendo game.
Speaking of Nintendo, it's worth noting that this game began life as a pitch for a 3D Yoshi game. After the pitch was turned down, it became Croc, and you can kinda see some of that Yoshi blood in here a little bit. You have a green reptile protagonist who can ground pound (a move Yoshi had in Yoshi's Island) as well as a bad guy who uses magic to make smaller creatures into tough boss enemies. Swap the characters for Yoshi's Island ones and add a tongue move and flutter jump to Croc's arsenal and you basically have a Yoshi game, which is fun to think about as you experience this game.
Overall, I didn't hate Croc. I love his design, and the Gobbo Archipelago is fun to explore. The enemies you encounter are all cute and charming, and hearing Croc exclaim things like "Wazoo" never gets old. However, the stage design, especially in the back half of this game, combined with the awkward controls make this a difficult game to clear. I recommend giving this game a shot, despite the difficulty.
The aesthetics of this game invoke an aura of childhood innocence and succeeds at taking you back to a time where things felt simpler, even if the game isn't the easiest around. For that reason alone, I feel that Croc is worth visiting today. Even with the rise of low-poly indie 3D platformers, there's none that I am aware of that really capture the welcoming aesthetics of Croc.
A challenging platformer wrapped in a very pretty package.
This isn't my first foray with Croc. I distinctly remember attempting to play through this game a number of years ago and then quitting in world 3 due to a crazy difficulty spike. Now, a few years later, my brain spiders command me to once again control the lovable green reptilian and try to beat this game for good. Of course, I knew what I was getting into, and decided to make one small, yet absurdly essential change to make this game more fun.
Now, anyone who's read my Billy Hatcher review knows my opinions about lives systems in games, and that opinion of mine isn't going away. Because of this, I implemented an unlimited lives cheat for this run. As I go further into detail about my time with Croc, it will become clearer as to why I did this, but I did want to state this early on, just for the sake of clarity regarding my experience this time around.
Now, Croc has a simple story. You witness Croc floating in a basket towards a group of Gobbos, who then adopt and raise him. Soon, Baron Dante makes his presence known, sending his troops to kidnap the Gobbos. The Gobbo King bangs a gong to have Croc sent away from the chaos, allowing Croc the chance to fight back and save his friends!
A simple plot for a simple game. However, the instruction manual gives way more detail about the Gobbo world. Reading it will teach you more about the Gobbos as a species, the Gobbo King, referred to as "King Rufus the Intolerant", Croc's experiences growing up with the Gobbos, and even information about Baron Dante's evil group, referred to as "The Dantinis". It's also a bizarrely funny read, with a lot of jokes that stick the landing very well. If you want to read something that will make you constantly double take, read the Croc instruction manual!
Once you take control of Croc, you'll immediately notice a point of contention regarding this game: it's a 3D platformer with tank controls. Needless to say, not the most comfortable platforming experience. Even using an analog controller does not fix this issue, sadly. You'll often find yourself stopping to turn yourself to line up a jump, and jumping feels very stiff. Whatever direction you plan on moving in the air is the only direction you're moving, with little room for adjustment. Over time, of course, you'll get used to the platforming mechanics, but you'll never find yourself saying "this feels great to play!"
Aside from running and jumping, Croc has a few extra moves at his disposal. One of the most vital moves he possesses is his ability to turn around! Using a dedicated button, Croc can do a 180 degree turn whenever he wants, which is a godsend for re-orienting yourself to line up another jump. If you do it while he's on the move, he'll do a really cool flip that made me react like this when I first saw it.
As for Croc's combat ability, he has two moves to use. First, he has a tail swipe move that's great for deleting enemies from existence. His other move is a ground pound, performed by hitting the jump button twice. Aside from dispatching enemies, this move will allow Croc to bust open crates and objects blocking tunnel passageways. Gonna be honest here, I don't like that you have to hit jump twice for this. I wish it was mapped to a different button, because I would often have scenarios where I was doing a precision platforming section that required me to jump as soon as I landed on a platform, and if my timing was off slightly it would result in Croc stopping in midair, asserting the ground-pound position, and plummeting to his death. Not fun.
It's also worth noting that when Croc performs his attacking moves, he has a number of onomatopoeia's he can blurt out, such as "yazoo!" or "kersplat!" You would think this would get annoying after a while, but honestly it never bothered me. I think it adds to Croc's character, being a young croco on a big adventure to save a tribe of people who have a tradition of shoving kitchen utensils down their pants (PLEASE READ THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL I PROMISE I DIDN'T MAKE THAT UP)
Speaking of Croc as a character, oh man, would you take a look at these little guys! This game is filled to the brim with scrimblo-type characters, little dudes that you're gonna want plushies of as soon as you see them. They're EVERYWHERE! If you love little weirdos and want to catalogue them all, this is the perfect game for you. Absolutely loved seeing each new creature emerge on my screen as I played.
Okay, so we have cute characters in a fuzzy 32-bit world clearly made for kids. The controls take some getting used to but surely the main game doesn't get too taxing, right? Oh, how I wish I could say yes. For the first two worlds, it's honestly a pretty comfortable romp. Level design is highly forgiving, featuring non-intimidating level design unless you're going after collectibles. Once you hit world 3, though, you'll start seeing much more difficult stage layouts requiring you to perform more precise movements to get by. For me, this is where Croc begins to fall in terms of quality.
So, Croc behaves like Sonic the Hedgehog when it comes to taking damage, in that he'll drop this game's ring equivalent (gems) when getting hit. Get hit without them and you'll lose a life. It's around world 3 where you'll begin facing much more challenging platforming over damaging floors and bottomless pits. Because of this, it is incredibly easy to lose lives. Thankfully, you're given a checkpoint at every door/tunnel you exit, which means a death won't set you too far back. Getting a game over, however, sends you back to whichever stage you last saved at, which means starting a level over again from the beginning.
Now, on paper this doesn't seem like too bad of a punishment, but after getting game over's over and over again due to how easy it is for Croc to die I began to find it intolerable, hence why I opted for the unlimited lives cheat. I can accept dying and having to re-do a small section but having to re-do a stage over and over due to game overs, especially when you get close to the end of a stage, just feels intolerable in the modern era. If you want to tackle this game without such assists, then all the power to you. Just be prepared for a lot of level attempts in the back half of the game and lots of visits to specific stages to grind extra lives hidden away in secret spots.
When it comes to collectables in stages, you really only have two to worry about: Gobbos and colored gems. There are six Gobbos hidden in each stage, and collecting all of the Gobbos in the game allow you to access some secret levels that unlock even more secret stuff. Throughout the stage, you'll find five of these Gobbos hidden in boxes, cages, and on hard-to-reach platforms. "Wait hold on five? I thought you said there were six Gobbos in a stage!" So remember when I mentioned colored gems? You can find five of these in each stage either disguised as regular gems or hidden in boxes. Collecting all of these unlocks a door near the end of each stage, where you will either complete a platforming challenge or a minigame to rescue the last Gobbo.
The platforming challenges are straightforward enough. However, it's the minigames where I take issue with this system. While most minigames are perfectly fine, there's one that I dislike immensely. Basically, you have a cauldron that you control by jumping on two arrow buttons. Your goal is to catch the gems descending from the sky. Catch them all and you're awarded a Gobbo. The problems here are that this minigame goes on way too long, and if you miss even one, the mini game ends. You may think "Oh, if I die I can reset the mini game and try again." A smart idea, but sadly not the case. Losing any minigame without securing a Gobbo will require you to beat the entire stage again to retry it. This means re-collecting every Gobbo and colored gem along the way, which is a frustrating process if it happened in a more difficult level, even if you know what you're getting into.
With how difficult the stages can get, you would think the boss fights would also prove to be challenging. Surprisingly, the bosses in this game are absurdly easy. It's your typical "wait for them to attack and hit them when they're vulnerable" type of fights throughout the game, and dodging attacks is as simple as running in a circle around the boss while they do their thing. Also, almost every boss does this thing where they just stop animating and freeze after you deal the final blow, which is always funny to witness.
The more thing I want to touch on is the music. The soundtrack is pretty good! There's some leitmotif sprinkled throughout the stages, with overworld and underground areas sharing some melodies. The title screen is also pretty catchy and may or may not have had a chunk of its melody lifted from it to be a part of a main theme for a Nintendo game.
Speaking of Nintendo, it's worth noting that this game began life as a pitch for a 3D Yoshi game. After the pitch was turned down, it became Croc, and you can kinda see some of that Yoshi blood in here a little bit. You have a green reptile protagonist who can ground pound (a move Yoshi had in Yoshi's Island) as well as a bad guy who uses magic to make smaller creatures into tough boss enemies. Swap the characters for Yoshi's Island ones and add a tongue move and flutter jump to Croc's arsenal and you basically have a Yoshi game, which is fun to think about as you experience this game.
Overall, I didn't hate Croc. I love his design, and the Gobbo Archipelago is fun to explore. The enemies you encounter are all cute and charming, and hearing Croc exclaim things like "Wazoo" never gets old. However, the stage design, especially in the back half of this game, combined with the awkward controls make this a difficult game to clear. I recommend giving this game a shot, despite the difficulty.
The aesthetics of this game invoke an aura of childhood innocence and succeeds at taking you back to a time where things felt simpler, even if the game isn't the easiest around. For that reason alone, I feel that Croc is worth visiting today. Even with the rise of low-poly indie 3D platformers, there's none that I am aware of that really capture the welcoming aesthetics of Croc.
Close to the Sun
2019
beautiful, if not uninspired settings but that was almost all this had going for it. the puzzles might as well have not existed and any other attempts at gameplay are extremely rough. the chase sequences and other set pieces are choppy in performance which makes repeating them due to the unclear directions an even more severe annoyance.
i thought the horror elements were going to help set this apart more than they did but it ended up just being jump scares (and not the occasionally fun, well executed kind) and random splashes of gore. it all felt a bit surface level.
i have loved me some walking sims and adjacent titles over time but this might be a bit of a low of what i've played, unfortunately.
i thought the horror elements were going to help set this apart more than they did but it ended up just being jump scares (and not the occasionally fun, well executed kind) and random splashes of gore. it all felt a bit surface level.
i have loved me some walking sims and adjacent titles over time but this might be a bit of a low of what i've played, unfortunately.
Halo 2: Anniversary
2014
Before I started playing Halo 2, I decided to look up its development history, and I found out some pretty interesting stuff.
The folks over at Bungie wanted to not just improve on what had been established with the 1st game, but also to bring in a lot of new ideas and concepts to the table. To triple everything!
But the devs bit off more than they could chew, and the game went through a bunch of changes during its dev time, with a lack of focus during most of it. The game suffered many delays as a result.
With all of that being said, it's a fucking miracle Halo 2 turned out as great as it did!
Now, it's not free from issues, but I had a lot of fun with this title, and it improves on everything that Halo 1 offered!
The plot tackles many more themes than last time, ranging from politics to religion. We see more of the Covenant alien species this time around, and hear them interact with each other.
And this also adds to the fact that there's a 2nd playable character who's from the Covenant, the Arbiter!
And that leads me into the gameplay. You'll alternate between Master Chief and the Arbiter throughout the game, especially when you pass the first third of the game. They don't play much differently from each other, except Master Chieft has a flashlight, and the Arbiter has a temporary camoflauge system.
The biggest new addition to the game, however, is that you can now dual-wield weapons! Of course, if you wanna use a grenade, you will have to put down your left weapon to throw it, but you can easily pick it back up afterwards. Not all weapons can be dual-wield, but many of them do.
It's crazy how such a simple addition can make a game more fun!
There are also some new weapons like the Spartan Sword, which are really fun to use! And the vehicles are also back, and they control better too! The Warthog didn't feel as slippery as before, and the new vehicles are just fun to use... except the tank, that one was a bit too slow for my liking.
At least you only use it in one level.
The overall level design has also seen a significant boost! I criticized Halo 1 for having a lot of empty space, and Halo 2 fixes that by being very no non-sense.
Sometimes you do have to stop for some enemies to appear, and at the beginning of the game, it was a bit annoying. But as you go through the game, you find less and less of those situations, which I appreciate.
The variety of environments, too, is also a big step up from last time! There's a lot to see and to explore, and there were some part where I found the game to be gorgeous!
And this is from 2004!
On the topic of presentation, this game also very much improves on that. Human character models are way more detailed and expressive, and don't feel as dated as last time. I will say that the Alien character models weren't super great, but I do appreciate some of the detail on their models.
The voice acting is also stellar, with the Arbiter being voiced by Keith David, who does an excellent job!
I do think that the game's lighting system is not the best. Like, most places that have light in them are just fine, but when it's dark, it's really dark. The few times that I did get lost, it was because I couldn't see shit. The Arbiter not having a flashlight made it worse.
Although since I was playing Halo 2: Anniversary, I could temporarily go to the modern graphics, and see that the lighting was better. Then I would switch back to the old graphics, once I found my way, so that the game would run smoother on my PC.
All in all, while Halo 2 is not perfect, it was a really fun first-person shooter, that I'm glad I got to play!
Not sure if I'll be able to play Halo 3, but I want to, one day, finish the fight!
The folks over at Bungie wanted to not just improve on what had been established with the 1st game, but also to bring in a lot of new ideas and concepts to the table. To triple everything!
But the devs bit off more than they could chew, and the game went through a bunch of changes during its dev time, with a lack of focus during most of it. The game suffered many delays as a result.
With all of that being said, it's a fucking miracle Halo 2 turned out as great as it did!
Now, it's not free from issues, but I had a lot of fun with this title, and it improves on everything that Halo 1 offered!
The plot tackles many more themes than last time, ranging from politics to religion. We see more of the Covenant alien species this time around, and hear them interact with each other.
And this also adds to the fact that there's a 2nd playable character who's from the Covenant, the Arbiter!
And that leads me into the gameplay. You'll alternate between Master Chief and the Arbiter throughout the game, especially when you pass the first third of the game. They don't play much differently from each other, except Master Chieft has a flashlight, and the Arbiter has a temporary camoflauge system.
The biggest new addition to the game, however, is that you can now dual-wield weapons! Of course, if you wanna use a grenade, you will have to put down your left weapon to throw it, but you can easily pick it back up afterwards. Not all weapons can be dual-wield, but many of them do.
It's crazy how such a simple addition can make a game more fun!
There are also some new weapons like the Spartan Sword, which are really fun to use! And the vehicles are also back, and they control better too! The Warthog didn't feel as slippery as before, and the new vehicles are just fun to use... except the tank, that one was a bit too slow for my liking.
At least you only use it in one level.
The overall level design has also seen a significant boost! I criticized Halo 1 for having a lot of empty space, and Halo 2 fixes that by being very no non-sense.
Sometimes you do have to stop for some enemies to appear, and at the beginning of the game, it was a bit annoying. But as you go through the game, you find less and less of those situations, which I appreciate.
The variety of environments, too, is also a big step up from last time! There's a lot to see and to explore, and there were some part where I found the game to be gorgeous!
And this is from 2004!
On the topic of presentation, this game also very much improves on that. Human character models are way more detailed and expressive, and don't feel as dated as last time. I will say that the Alien character models weren't super great, but I do appreciate some of the detail on their models.
The voice acting is also stellar, with the Arbiter being voiced by Keith David, who does an excellent job!
I do think that the game's lighting system is not the best. Like, most places that have light in them are just fine, but when it's dark, it's really dark. The few times that I did get lost, it was because I couldn't see shit. The Arbiter not having a flashlight made it worse.
Although since I was playing Halo 2: Anniversary, I could temporarily go to the modern graphics, and see that the lighting was better. Then I would switch back to the old graphics, once I found my way, so that the game would run smoother on my PC.
All in all, while Halo 2 is not perfect, it was a really fun first-person shooter, that I'm glad I got to play!
Not sure if I'll be able to play Halo 3, but I want to, one day, finish the fight!
Warning - This review contains spoilers for Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty.
Warning - This review contains mentions of suicide, child abuse, sexual assault, self-harm, and other related topics. Read at your own risk.
Disclaimer - The idea to conceive this review was inspired by @poyfuh’s piece on Silent Hill 2. I highly recommend that you, as the reader, take a look into her work as well, if you have not yet done so. This is also a repost of my review that I made on my previous account, but I deleted it for personal reasons.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evening, September 20th, 2022.
After 10 years, 10 fucking years, my step-dad finally gets arrested by the police due to his exposed cases of commiting child abuse, alongside other crimes, even though that was the big reason. Now, I can finally express my happiness and freedom after so long, but at the same time, I am held back by my emotional and physical trauma, which drives me back to literal insanity… a line which I’ve crossed far too long ago. There is still a lot to uncover, and I am not done yet.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Night, December 19th, 2022.
How much longer do I have to deal with this? I want to move on from my past, but I can’t. Everything in my house, from the PlayStation 5, all the way to my refrigerator, reminds me of my step-father. He had hurt me in so many ways, in so many different places, and actively used me as his torture toy that the after-effects are still there. Here I am, on the bridge near my house, questioning myself; Do I just end it all, right here, and right now? Or do I go back and try to amend myself. What do I even do?
Therapy isn’t fixing shit, after-school counseling isn’t fixing shit, and absolutely nothing labeled as “beneficial” is fixing shit either. But… I have to live for my friends. They don’t want me dead, but at the same time, unlike me, they have a lot of friends who they could talk to, so what’s the point? Why am I still here?
In the end, all I could ask for is a peaceful life, one without worries or doubts, but that won’t happen. However… I can make it happen. I just have to stick through it, and try to get a good grasp of what I’m currently going through.
Afternoon, January 14th, 2023.
A friend of mine named Micheal, whom I’ve known for 5 years, but stopped talking to for the past few months, decides to call me and scream at me because I made him feel unsafe when I stopped talking to him right after my step-father (before his arrest) temporarily disabled my communication devices, though once that was over, I had completely forgotten to call back. I tried telling him that I just really did not remember, and that everything is (probably) okay now, but he was just so upset for the fact that I made him feel like he lost his closest friend. I mean, can you blame him? Looking back, I would’ve called him sooner… if only I knew what would happen within the next few months.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evening, April 11th, 2023.
About a couple days back, I had recently finished Metal Gear Solid, and fell in love with the game pretty quickly. The tragic story behind Solid Snake, as well as one of the main messages revolving around the idea to move on, had both made me develop a personal attachment to the series, as I knew it was shaping up to be something special. In the meantime, it was a great day today, and I was just having fun with my online friends on Instagram, when all of a sudden, I got a phone call from Micheal, to which I picked up immediately. However, instead of hearing his voice, I heard the voice of a woman, who was his sister. I went on to ask who she was, and once she had told me about herself, she then told me that earlier, Micheal hanged himself. After facing months worth of sadness and depression, as well as feeling bad for being angry at me, he just couldn’t take it anymore and felt as if he lacked any self-worth.
Upon hearing this, I was completely destroyed mentally and decided to take a break from social media for a few days. Even though we live in different states, and even though most of our communication is from online, he still meant a lot to me, and losing him also killed a fraction of myself. I took the blame, mainly because his anger on me came from my own laziness. I mean, it’s my fault, right? I never do anything right. Never. What purpose do I even serve? Even after my step-father had now left my personal life, I still have more things to grieve over, and it’s taking a huge toll on me. I just… I can’t take it anymore. I’m sorry, Micheal, I really am. If I could turn back time and fix everything, I would. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out after our initial conversation… I would’ve been there to help you. But you know what? I didn’t, because I was too selfish of myself to care about anyone else. I’m sorry.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Midnight, April 17, 2023.
It’s 1 AM in the morning, and I am currently playing Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty. I’m trying to move on from the event of my friend taking his own life by keeping myself entertained, though it only keeps coming back to me at random times. Right now, I had just reached the torture scene with Raiden, and so far, I’m not feeling anything… But wait, what is going on right now?
Raiden didn’t want any of this… he was a child soldier, forced to live under Solidus Snake’s umbrella for many years in order to become an excellent warrior, though it had only made him less sane and more unhinged, which had obviously taken a toll on him as a person, and played a role onto his overall development. He spent all that time in the VR training, all that time working on his strength, and what did that cost? His sanity. And, on top of all this, its later revealed that his own girlfriend had spied on him in order for him to be fully studied, but eventually, she actually did fall in love with him, though it took him time to realize that because of what was going on in that moment. Everything and everyone that he valued was taken away from him for the sake of standing strong, and to be “on top” of the human chain.
You see, for many years, my step-father served as a police officer, and at home, while constantly abusing me via physical abuse, he had made me learn self-defense, as well as various other forms of combat. I had basically learned how to throw people, accurately beat them up, and so much other stuff. A few years ago, I enrolled in fencing, because I thought that the idea of sword-fighting was cool, which it was. I learned how to wield a blade, and utilize any long object as a weapon in case of serious danger… and, truth be told, I tried using my self-defense skills to avoid getting bullied, as well as trying to avoid getting beaten by my step-father. This was all because he wanted me to “stay strong in dark times,” however, this just didn’t make sense, because the only person giving me my dark times was him. I had done nothing to receive any of this, and as that entire moment with Raiden’s torture seemingly came to an end, I just sat there, crying for a few minutes because I was reminded of who I once was as a person.
Shortly afterwards, when Ocelot reveals that the point of Raiden was to create a perfect soldier, meaning that his entire mission was a lie, as well as Solidus trying to show a bit of fatherhood to Raiden, it all reminded me of how my step-father would act after every time he had tried to torture me in some way.
7 months prior to this, I remember failing an optional test online due to me not being able to fully understand the key contents whatsoever, despite trying to study. Because of my failure, my step-father had decided to rape me maliciously in order to “teach me a lesson.” I was crying & yelling for the life of me, and I begged him to stop. Not only that, but over an optional test too? What was the point of this? Well, sooner or later, he tries to comfort me while acknowledging that I “made a mistake,” and to avoid getting harmed any further, I just gave in to his fake sense of discipline so that I don’t get further tortured beyond that point.
Back to the point where Solidus is trying to get Raiden to join his side, you can see that Raiden refuses, and this leads to a massive conflict between the two, because he actually stood up for himself, though at first, it was a failure.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Early Morning, April 18th, 2023.
It’s 4 AM, and I am now in the final part of the game. After witnessing the shocking AI codec call that delved into the digital world, as well as challenging all of Raiden’s self beliefs, we got straight to the climax, the moment we were all waiting for: Raiden Vs. Solidus Snake. As the fight progressed and finished, we see how Solidus finally faces his well-deserved downfall, and then, Raiden stands in between the crowd, questioning every single thing that has happened since the start of his mission. Shortly afterwards, Snake comes by and has a conversation with him, asking him many things, but one thing in particular that stood out was when he told Raiden to look at his dog tags, and see if he knows who that is on the tag. As this happens, Raiden says the following line…
“No, never heard the name before. I'll pick my own name...and my own life. I'll
find something worth passing on.”
Raiden is now a free man, no longer a puppet of Solidus or related to the Patriots in any way now whatsoever, and sooner or later, we see him return to Rose in safe hands. No more conflict, no more bullshit, everything is over now. (Metal Gear Solid 4 never happened.)
Within the next year or so, I am going to fully change my legal name, after waiting several years for it to happen. You see, everyone would call me by my middle name, which is the name I felt most comfortable with, as my first name was mainly a family name, so it wasn’t said publicly in order to avoid confusion with me and my relatives. However, my step-father would always call me by my first name, and when we would call me by it, it's often spoken in a more deepened accent, which just gave me more and more PTSD over the years. Not only that, but my biological father, whom even though I never really had a proper relationship with, was still an awful person to my mother before they divorced, and since I was carrying his last name, I wanted to clear my name completely for good, so that I can show that I am not a part of a disgusting family tree. However, I will keep my middle name since my mother gave that to me, and then, I will be my own man, with my own name, and my own life, not controlled by someone else.
As the credits rolled, and “Can't Say Goodbye to Yesterday” began to play, I started crying uncontrollably again for a while because I had never been so attached to a work of art like this in my entire life. The entire campaign from start to finish, with Snake & Raiden as they come forward to fight their own beliefs as well as relaying the message to start fresh, had connected with me in such a personal and heartwarming way that I just… I was speechless. I couldn’t believe I experienced a game like this, and I genuinely didn’t have anything to say.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Night, December 12th, 2023.
As of typing this, it’s currently the said date of December 12th, 2023. Since my first playthrough of Metal Gear Solid 2, many more unfortunate things have happened. It has been 7 years since my younger sister died, and due to my sadness, I tried to kill myself twice on Thanksgiving via overdosing and shooting myself, and then stabbing myself, which led to me going to the hospital for quite some time before heading straight to the mental hospital for a full day. Around 2 weeks ago, I had disabled all of my main social media accounts on Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram so that I could focus on my own wellbeing, and try to improve upon myself before returning to content creation in full healthiness. Also, I had recently completed a replay of Metal Gear Solid 2 on my PlayStation Vita, which led me to finish this review for good.
To wrap things up, Metal Gear Solid 2 is a game that I think every single person should play before they die, and it’s a profound work of art that truly stands the test of time, as well as having a massive impact on me as a person, as well as being able to move on from my past. You also have Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, which is arguably just as good, and I think that in the end, the franchise’s message of tragedy and overcoming your PTSD has aged quite well, and I have yet to see another franchise replicate the same exact magic as that.
“Find something to believe in. And find it for yourself. And when you do, pass it on to the future.” - Solid Snake.
Thank you, Hideo Kojima. You might not ever see this, but your work really impacted me, and helped me through the worst time of my life.
Thank you.
Warning - This review contains mentions of suicide, child abuse, sexual assault, self-harm, and other related topics. Read at your own risk.
Disclaimer - The idea to conceive this review was inspired by @poyfuh’s piece on Silent Hill 2. I highly recommend that you, as the reader, take a look into her work as well, if you have not yet done so. This is also a repost of my review that I made on my previous account, but I deleted it for personal reasons.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evening, September 20th, 2022.
After 10 years, 10 fucking years, my step-dad finally gets arrested by the police due to his exposed cases of commiting child abuse, alongside other crimes, even though that was the big reason. Now, I can finally express my happiness and freedom after so long, but at the same time, I am held back by my emotional and physical trauma, which drives me back to literal insanity… a line which I’ve crossed far too long ago. There is still a lot to uncover, and I am not done yet.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Night, December 19th, 2022.
How much longer do I have to deal with this? I want to move on from my past, but I can’t. Everything in my house, from the PlayStation 5, all the way to my refrigerator, reminds me of my step-father. He had hurt me in so many ways, in so many different places, and actively used me as his torture toy that the after-effects are still there. Here I am, on the bridge near my house, questioning myself; Do I just end it all, right here, and right now? Or do I go back and try to amend myself. What do I even do?
Therapy isn’t fixing shit, after-school counseling isn’t fixing shit, and absolutely nothing labeled as “beneficial” is fixing shit either. But… I have to live for my friends. They don’t want me dead, but at the same time, unlike me, they have a lot of friends who they could talk to, so what’s the point? Why am I still here?
In the end, all I could ask for is a peaceful life, one without worries or doubts, but that won’t happen. However… I can make it happen. I just have to stick through it, and try to get a good grasp of what I’m currently going through.
Afternoon, January 14th, 2023.
A friend of mine named Micheal, whom I’ve known for 5 years, but stopped talking to for the past few months, decides to call me and scream at me because I made him feel unsafe when I stopped talking to him right after my step-father (before his arrest) temporarily disabled my communication devices, though once that was over, I had completely forgotten to call back. I tried telling him that I just really did not remember, and that everything is (probably) okay now, but he was just so upset for the fact that I made him feel like he lost his closest friend. I mean, can you blame him? Looking back, I would’ve called him sooner… if only I knew what would happen within the next few months.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evening, April 11th, 2023.
About a couple days back, I had recently finished Metal Gear Solid, and fell in love with the game pretty quickly. The tragic story behind Solid Snake, as well as one of the main messages revolving around the idea to move on, had both made me develop a personal attachment to the series, as I knew it was shaping up to be something special. In the meantime, it was a great day today, and I was just having fun with my online friends on Instagram, when all of a sudden, I got a phone call from Micheal, to which I picked up immediately. However, instead of hearing his voice, I heard the voice of a woman, who was his sister. I went on to ask who she was, and once she had told me about herself, she then told me that earlier, Micheal hanged himself. After facing months worth of sadness and depression, as well as feeling bad for being angry at me, he just couldn’t take it anymore and felt as if he lacked any self-worth.
Upon hearing this, I was completely destroyed mentally and decided to take a break from social media for a few days. Even though we live in different states, and even though most of our communication is from online, he still meant a lot to me, and losing him also killed a fraction of myself. I took the blame, mainly because his anger on me came from my own laziness. I mean, it’s my fault, right? I never do anything right. Never. What purpose do I even serve? Even after my step-father had now left my personal life, I still have more things to grieve over, and it’s taking a huge toll on me. I just… I can’t take it anymore. I’m sorry, Micheal, I really am. If I could turn back time and fix everything, I would. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out after our initial conversation… I would’ve been there to help you. But you know what? I didn’t, because I was too selfish of myself to care about anyone else. I’m sorry.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Midnight, April 17, 2023.
It’s 1 AM in the morning, and I am currently playing Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty. I’m trying to move on from the event of my friend taking his own life by keeping myself entertained, though it only keeps coming back to me at random times. Right now, I had just reached the torture scene with Raiden, and so far, I’m not feeling anything… But wait, what is going on right now?
Raiden didn’t want any of this… he was a child soldier, forced to live under Solidus Snake’s umbrella for many years in order to become an excellent warrior, though it had only made him less sane and more unhinged, which had obviously taken a toll on him as a person, and played a role onto his overall development. He spent all that time in the VR training, all that time working on his strength, and what did that cost? His sanity. And, on top of all this, its later revealed that his own girlfriend had spied on him in order for him to be fully studied, but eventually, she actually did fall in love with him, though it took him time to realize that because of what was going on in that moment. Everything and everyone that he valued was taken away from him for the sake of standing strong, and to be “on top” of the human chain.
You see, for many years, my step-father served as a police officer, and at home, while constantly abusing me via physical abuse, he had made me learn self-defense, as well as various other forms of combat. I had basically learned how to throw people, accurately beat them up, and so much other stuff. A few years ago, I enrolled in fencing, because I thought that the idea of sword-fighting was cool, which it was. I learned how to wield a blade, and utilize any long object as a weapon in case of serious danger… and, truth be told, I tried using my self-defense skills to avoid getting bullied, as well as trying to avoid getting beaten by my step-father. This was all because he wanted me to “stay strong in dark times,” however, this just didn’t make sense, because the only person giving me my dark times was him. I had done nothing to receive any of this, and as that entire moment with Raiden’s torture seemingly came to an end, I just sat there, crying for a few minutes because I was reminded of who I once was as a person.
Shortly afterwards, when Ocelot reveals that the point of Raiden was to create a perfect soldier, meaning that his entire mission was a lie, as well as Solidus trying to show a bit of fatherhood to Raiden, it all reminded me of how my step-father would act after every time he had tried to torture me in some way.
7 months prior to this, I remember failing an optional test online due to me not being able to fully understand the key contents whatsoever, despite trying to study. Because of my failure, my step-father had decided to rape me maliciously in order to “teach me a lesson.” I was crying & yelling for the life of me, and I begged him to stop. Not only that, but over an optional test too? What was the point of this? Well, sooner or later, he tries to comfort me while acknowledging that I “made a mistake,” and to avoid getting harmed any further, I just gave in to his fake sense of discipline so that I don’t get further tortured beyond that point.
Back to the point where Solidus is trying to get Raiden to join his side, you can see that Raiden refuses, and this leads to a massive conflict between the two, because he actually stood up for himself, though at first, it was a failure.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Early Morning, April 18th, 2023.
It’s 4 AM, and I am now in the final part of the game. After witnessing the shocking AI codec call that delved into the digital world, as well as challenging all of Raiden’s self beliefs, we got straight to the climax, the moment we were all waiting for: Raiden Vs. Solidus Snake. As the fight progressed and finished, we see how Solidus finally faces his well-deserved downfall, and then, Raiden stands in between the crowd, questioning every single thing that has happened since the start of his mission. Shortly afterwards, Snake comes by and has a conversation with him, asking him many things, but one thing in particular that stood out was when he told Raiden to look at his dog tags, and see if he knows who that is on the tag. As this happens, Raiden says the following line…
“No, never heard the name before. I'll pick my own name...and my own life. I'll
find something worth passing on.”
Raiden is now a free man, no longer a puppet of Solidus or related to the Patriots in any way now whatsoever, and sooner or later, we see him return to Rose in safe hands. No more conflict, no more bullshit, everything is over now. (Metal Gear Solid 4 never happened.)
Within the next year or so, I am going to fully change my legal name, after waiting several years for it to happen. You see, everyone would call me by my middle name, which is the name I felt most comfortable with, as my first name was mainly a family name, so it wasn’t said publicly in order to avoid confusion with me and my relatives. However, my step-father would always call me by my first name, and when we would call me by it, it's often spoken in a more deepened accent, which just gave me more and more PTSD over the years. Not only that, but my biological father, whom even though I never really had a proper relationship with, was still an awful person to my mother before they divorced, and since I was carrying his last name, I wanted to clear my name completely for good, so that I can show that I am not a part of a disgusting family tree. However, I will keep my middle name since my mother gave that to me, and then, I will be my own man, with my own name, and my own life, not controlled by someone else.
As the credits rolled, and “Can't Say Goodbye to Yesterday” began to play, I started crying uncontrollably again for a while because I had never been so attached to a work of art like this in my entire life. The entire campaign from start to finish, with Snake & Raiden as they come forward to fight their own beliefs as well as relaying the message to start fresh, had connected with me in such a personal and heartwarming way that I just… I was speechless. I couldn’t believe I experienced a game like this, and I genuinely didn’t have anything to say.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Night, December 12th, 2023.
As of typing this, it’s currently the said date of December 12th, 2023. Since my first playthrough of Metal Gear Solid 2, many more unfortunate things have happened. It has been 7 years since my younger sister died, and due to my sadness, I tried to kill myself twice on Thanksgiving via overdosing and shooting myself, and then stabbing myself, which led to me going to the hospital for quite some time before heading straight to the mental hospital for a full day. Around 2 weeks ago, I had disabled all of my main social media accounts on Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram so that I could focus on my own wellbeing, and try to improve upon myself before returning to content creation in full healthiness. Also, I had recently completed a replay of Metal Gear Solid 2 on my PlayStation Vita, which led me to finish this review for good.
To wrap things up, Metal Gear Solid 2 is a game that I think every single person should play before they die, and it’s a profound work of art that truly stands the test of time, as well as having a massive impact on me as a person, as well as being able to move on from my past. You also have Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, which is arguably just as good, and I think that in the end, the franchise’s message of tragedy and overcoming your PTSD has aged quite well, and I have yet to see another franchise replicate the same exact magic as that.
“Find something to believe in. And find it for yourself. And when you do, pass it on to the future.” - Solid Snake.
Thank you, Hideo Kojima. You might not ever see this, but your work really impacted me, and helped me through the worst time of my life.
Thank you.
Sonic the Hedgehog
1991
Gotta go fast!
After Sonic Adventure has served as my personal gateway into the series and Sonic Adventure 2 gave me an even better experience, I can proudly call myself a fan of the series now. A fan who only played 3D Sonic. That being said, Sonic Origins opened up a whole new dimension to me: 2D Sonic!
Here's a quick rundown of the zones: Green Hill was surprisingly the least engaging zone for me, but I can appreciate it for how iconic it is and being a good introduction with a timeless theme. I didn't have an issue with Marble Zone's methodical approach for the most part, although some of the random pop-up spikes felt a little cheap. Spring Yard is fine, but gets repetitive after a while. Now, Labyrinth Zone seems to be pretty universally hated, but I didn't find myself having much of an issue with it and thought it was rather refreshing after going through Spring Yard, the underwater sections were cool. Star Light Zone had cool catapults and Scrap Brain was... rather hard compared to the rest of the game - but that makes sense, it's the last level for a reason! The final fight itself though was a bit underwhelming and the ending was cheap.
But in the end, I enjoyed my time with the Blue Blur's debut game, even if most of the level design goes against the whole "gotta go fast" motif, which apparently is a dealbreaker for many. And while 2D Sonic is fun, I'd be lying if I told you I didn't miss the homing attack from Adventure at first.
After Sonic Adventure has served as my personal gateway into the series and Sonic Adventure 2 gave me an even better experience, I can proudly call myself a fan of the series now. A fan who only played 3D Sonic. That being said, Sonic Origins opened up a whole new dimension to me: 2D Sonic!
Here's a quick rundown of the zones: Green Hill was surprisingly the least engaging zone for me, but I can appreciate it for how iconic it is and being a good introduction with a timeless theme. I didn't have an issue with Marble Zone's methodical approach for the most part, although some of the random pop-up spikes felt a little cheap. Spring Yard is fine, but gets repetitive after a while. Now, Labyrinth Zone seems to be pretty universally hated, but I didn't find myself having much of an issue with it and thought it was rather refreshing after going through Spring Yard, the underwater sections were cool. Star Light Zone had cool catapults and Scrap Brain was... rather hard compared to the rest of the game - but that makes sense, it's the last level for a reason! The final fight itself though was a bit underwhelming and the ending was cheap.
But in the end, I enjoyed my time with the Blue Blur's debut game, even if most of the level design goes against the whole "gotta go fast" motif, which apparently is a dealbreaker for many. And while 2D Sonic is fun, I'd be lying if I told you I didn't miss the homing attack from Adventure at first.
Sand Land
2024
Pacing Land
I caught Sand Land at the 2023 Summer Games Fest, an event I always try to catch in the postmortem of the once monumental E3. Despite being largely indifferent and avoidant of Bandai-Namco's arsenal of seemingly endless anime video games, something about Sand Land caught my eye. In the end it was reminiscing to my youth and those late nights spent watching Toonami when I was supposed to be asleep. Night after night I'd stay up and catch what I could understand about Japanese anime, something I was largely unfamiliar with and unsure about how to follow, but was enthralled nonetheless. There was one anime at the time that seemed to interject itself the most into the zeitgeist of my childhood, and that was Akira Toriyama's magnum opus: Dragonball Z. Despite this game clearly not being Dragonball, I gave that little preamble as a sort of introduction and reasoning as to why I became interested in the game Sand Land. I'd never read the manga, only ever having read maybe three manga in my entire life, but because it felt familiar. Watching gameplay of obviously Akira Toriyama created characters running around and engaging in general buffoonery felt familiar, and thus I was interested.
Now if you've read my reviews and looked at the score, you'll notice that the beginning monologue is almost always followed with a "but" in detraction to how "fun" the game was... and yeah here that is. Though it was nice to experience simple Saturday morning cartoon vibes in a fully voice acted anime game, I actually had to play it. I liked the cast, thought the game had some charming dialogue, loved the character art (re: familiarity with Dragonball,) and liked the general lightheartedness of the story, however the gameplay loop got tired eventually and the game itself was ultimately far too long.
The story revolves around the Prince of Darkness and Company running around on (initially) a quest for water what leads them to astounding secrets, betrayal, and a war against systematic power they could not have predicted. The first arc, taking place over maybe fifteen or so hours of the game's ~twenty-four hour runtime, was pretty fun and well paced. Your crew goes from one area to the next with a decent speed and the scale of enemies and power makes sense... mostly. It's once this first arc is finished and Forest Land becomes involved that things slow down to a shuttering halt and the pacing becomes pretty poor. You engage in many repetitive quests, dungeons, fights (re-used bossfights... yay!) and the ending quest itself lasts about three hours too long.
Gameplay in Sand Land is about 70% tank/vehicle based, which was a pretty nice 180 from the last few games I've played which largely ignore vehicle combat/interaction (minus Rebirth I guess.) The Prince utilizes a growing roster of Bots, Tanks, and Hoverboards that each carry their own use. The Tank is a great all-around damage dealer, the Jump Bot allows you to gain verticality in traversal in fights, the bike gets you from Point A to Point B in a reasonable amount of time, and so on. Sand Land does a pretty good job of allowing you to pick what you want for combat while making traversal a little bit of a gimmick, which is okay. Upkeep of the bots isn't too hard, and I found that levelling and upgrading was a natural progression of materials I was already finding in the world. Outside of the vehicles you engage in a hefty deal of hand-to-hand combat, which leaves a LOT to be desired mechanically, and also sneaking missions... because who doesn't love one button combat sneaking missions??? Playing the game outside of what is advertised and plastered in the marketing was a real snoozefest and adds just about nothing to playing the game.
While it was fun to get a mostly humorous fun adventure out of Sand Land, it was largely a nothing burger and definitely not worth full price. I don't recommend Sand Land.
I caught Sand Land at the 2023 Summer Games Fest, an event I always try to catch in the postmortem of the once monumental E3. Despite being largely indifferent and avoidant of Bandai-Namco's arsenal of seemingly endless anime video games, something about Sand Land caught my eye. In the end it was reminiscing to my youth and those late nights spent watching Toonami when I was supposed to be asleep. Night after night I'd stay up and catch what I could understand about Japanese anime, something I was largely unfamiliar with and unsure about how to follow, but was enthralled nonetheless. There was one anime at the time that seemed to interject itself the most into the zeitgeist of my childhood, and that was Akira Toriyama's magnum opus: Dragonball Z. Despite this game clearly not being Dragonball, I gave that little preamble as a sort of introduction and reasoning as to why I became interested in the game Sand Land. I'd never read the manga, only ever having read maybe three manga in my entire life, but because it felt familiar. Watching gameplay of obviously Akira Toriyama created characters running around and engaging in general buffoonery felt familiar, and thus I was interested.
Now if you've read my reviews and looked at the score, you'll notice that the beginning monologue is almost always followed with a "but" in detraction to how "fun" the game was... and yeah here that is. Though it was nice to experience simple Saturday morning cartoon vibes in a fully voice acted anime game, I actually had to play it. I liked the cast, thought the game had some charming dialogue, loved the character art (re: familiarity with Dragonball,) and liked the general lightheartedness of the story, however the gameplay loop got tired eventually and the game itself was ultimately far too long.
The story revolves around the Prince of Darkness and Company running around on (initially) a quest for water what leads them to astounding secrets, betrayal, and a war against systematic power they could not have predicted. The first arc, taking place over maybe fifteen or so hours of the game's ~twenty-four hour runtime, was pretty fun and well paced. Your crew goes from one area to the next with a decent speed and the scale of enemies and power makes sense... mostly. It's once this first arc is finished and Forest Land becomes involved that things slow down to a shuttering halt and the pacing becomes pretty poor. You engage in many repetitive quests, dungeons, fights (re-used bossfights... yay!) and the ending quest itself lasts about three hours too long.
Gameplay in Sand Land is about 70% tank/vehicle based, which was a pretty nice 180 from the last few games I've played which largely ignore vehicle combat/interaction (minus Rebirth I guess.) The Prince utilizes a growing roster of Bots, Tanks, and Hoverboards that each carry their own use. The Tank is a great all-around damage dealer, the Jump Bot allows you to gain verticality in traversal in fights, the bike gets you from Point A to Point B in a reasonable amount of time, and so on. Sand Land does a pretty good job of allowing you to pick what you want for combat while making traversal a little bit of a gimmick, which is okay. Upkeep of the bots isn't too hard, and I found that levelling and upgrading was a natural progression of materials I was already finding in the world. Outside of the vehicles you engage in a hefty deal of hand-to-hand combat, which leaves a LOT to be desired mechanically, and also sneaking missions... because who doesn't love one button combat sneaking missions??? Playing the game outside of what is advertised and plastered in the marketing was a real snoozefest and adds just about nothing to playing the game.
While it was fun to get a mostly humorous fun adventure out of Sand Land, it was largely a nothing burger and definitely not worth full price. I don't recommend Sand Land.
Alan Wake
2010
Alan Wake is a very special game for me. Along with the lesser-known Guns, Gore & Cannoli, it's what got me back into video games in 2020 after five 'wilderness years' where I thought I was done with this hobby. It brought me so much joy in a way that simply doesn't come when you're a habitual player. Far be it from me to claim it works for everyone, but I genuinely believe video games cured my depression, and Alan Wake was the game that started this return.
I could not have chosen a better game to get back into the hobby, because even non-gamers would find a lot to appreciate here. Alan Wake has an intriguing story, beautiful graphics and a kick-ass soundtrack. Also, its gameplay isn't very good. So it fulfills all the requirements for a classic survival horror title.
The first two words spoken in this game are 'Stephen King.' Alan Wake is a love letter to the campy, commercial horror that makes up so much of his work. There are shot-for-shot homages to his film adaptations, and the protagonist directly lampshades his knack for turning innocuous objects into horror stories. And just as with some of Stephen King's favourite heroes, the main character is an author. A tweed-suited author, unshaven and unassuming, who can't run three steps without running out of breath. He seems to be have written a story that is coming true, word for word. This gives us such brilliantly meta passages as, "He took out his hip flask when he reached the page that described how he reached the page that made him take out his hip flask." Sam Lake is a great writer himself.
It was an incredible feeling to explore this game's world, and remember how entertaining video games are - I'd forgotten. The chief gameplay gimmick is illumination - in the light you're safe, in the dark they get you. This makes every unlit spot in the game feel like a threat, and street lamps are safe havens. It's tense, and was even more so when I replayed this game because I accidentally selected Hard difficulty without realizing it. The gameplay isn't going to win any awards, however. Alan sucks at cardio, and for a game that heavily advertises Energizer batteries, all it taught me was that they can't even power a dinky torch for 5 seconds. It's a repetitive game, and vestiges of its scrapped open-world design still shine through in the nigh-pointless driving segments.
Yet it still brought me so much joy. The development team might not have known how to make movement feel good, or the gunplay satisfying, but they definitely knew how to create a moment. Fighting off dark demons with the power of heavy metal, fireworks exploding everywhere, is a memory I will treasure forever. Even the small things - the in-game TV programmes, the NPCs in the loony bin and the thermoses you pick up because Alan's body is 75% black coffee - they made me so happy. This re-ignited a video game addiction that has still to subside 4 years later. So thank you, Remedy, and thank you Sam Lake. Now do the face.
I could not have chosen a better game to get back into the hobby, because even non-gamers would find a lot to appreciate here. Alan Wake has an intriguing story, beautiful graphics and a kick-ass soundtrack. Also, its gameplay isn't very good. So it fulfills all the requirements for a classic survival horror title.
The first two words spoken in this game are 'Stephen King.' Alan Wake is a love letter to the campy, commercial horror that makes up so much of his work. There are shot-for-shot homages to his film adaptations, and the protagonist directly lampshades his knack for turning innocuous objects into horror stories. And just as with some of Stephen King's favourite heroes, the main character is an author. A tweed-suited author, unshaven and unassuming, who can't run three steps without running out of breath. He seems to be have written a story that is coming true, word for word. This gives us such brilliantly meta passages as, "He took out his hip flask when he reached the page that described how he reached the page that made him take out his hip flask." Sam Lake is a great writer himself.
It was an incredible feeling to explore this game's world, and remember how entertaining video games are - I'd forgotten. The chief gameplay gimmick is illumination - in the light you're safe, in the dark they get you. This makes every unlit spot in the game feel like a threat, and street lamps are safe havens. It's tense, and was even more so when I replayed this game because I accidentally selected Hard difficulty without realizing it. The gameplay isn't going to win any awards, however. Alan sucks at cardio, and for a game that heavily advertises Energizer batteries, all it taught me was that they can't even power a dinky torch for 5 seconds. It's a repetitive game, and vestiges of its scrapped open-world design still shine through in the nigh-pointless driving segments.
Yet it still brought me so much joy. The development team might not have known how to make movement feel good, or the gunplay satisfying, but they definitely knew how to create a moment. Fighting off dark demons with the power of heavy metal, fireworks exploding everywhere, is a memory I will treasure forever. Even the small things - the in-game TV programmes, the NPCs in the loony bin and the thermoses you pick up because Alan's body is 75% black coffee - they made me so happy. This re-ignited a video game addiction that has still to subside 4 years later. So thank you, Remedy, and thank you Sam Lake. Now do the face.
!!! MOVE OVER GAMERS, WE GOTTA GET THIS REVIEW OUT BEFORE CHRISTMAS !!!
You want to know the funniest thing about being a kid? It’s being ignorant to the fact that some things are just horseshit, and boy was kid me quite the ignoramus. Revisiting this game, it’s not like I didn’t know what I was getting myself into but there was some sick part of me that wanted to relive a good moment of my life in the one Spyro game I have the most unblurry memories of.
Well it turns out, those memories end at the 2nd level and nothing beyond it. Even the borderline racist NPCs somehow scrubbed from my mind. There’s no shot I finished this as a kid, and my memories kept the better portion of the game in stasis forever. They’re not good levels per se, just functionally better. After that the game quickly hurtles closer towards dystopia the further you get into it. To put it quite bluntly, this game is just not finished and couldn’t be more of a beacon of developmental hell. Except this was from the PS2/Gamecube era back in 2002 and.. yeah folks, crunch and corporate shenanigans have been happening our entire lives. This shit was made in the same time it takes to grow a human fetus and still somehow ended up being more of a disappointment.
With vast levels that are emptier than corn fields and enemies with zero life put into them. There’s no variety to be seen, just small ranged dinosaur and big dinosaur who make this sound when you murder them. If this game has achieved anything, it’s that it is at the very least sometimes funny. But you won’t be laughing when the camera 360 no scopes itself into the wall of the level design, launching you off the platform that you’re currently standing on. On normal hardware this game runs like it’s being squeezed through a tube, but even while playing it through unscrupulous means there still feels like there’s some sort of wind resistance pushing against Spyro as he charges. He feels like he weighs a metric ton, which makes platforming a goddamn nightmare. If that’s not enough for you, throw in some magic floors that clip through your body, and mini-games made by Satan himself. The draw distance is abysmal. You want to go on your cozy little gem collectathon, but they removed Sparx’s little hint clues which means you’ll be scouring all of these gigantic levels for much longer than you want just for that one last gem to appear out of thin air because it glitched out the first time. It's actually a marvel of achievement that speedrunners were able to figure out how to beat this game in 1 minute, the amount of time it takes for the veil of nostalgia to be sucked from your eyes.
What’s it all for, you may ask? Well, some of the most weirdly named Dragonflies I could have ever imagined. They really just pulled from anywhere with these guys. “Hey, it’s Karen!!” Spyro says, but the subtitle says “Rhett.” I can’t believe my childhood hero Spyro just deadnamed that dragonfly. And like I said, these issues get more prevalent as the game keeps going. With each level, the more unfinished it feels. The worlds get emptier with more nonsensical tasks that barely function. Assets aren’t re-used, but still uninspiringly pulled from previous titles in an effort to save time. Unlockable powers that get used less and less, voice lines completely missing in some instances, etc., etc. It all culminates into a final boss fight that not even I could foresee. A baffling affront to God himself, just a gauntlet of atrocities deep fried through the Christmas deadline conveyor belt. Spyro died and we killed him.
Keep this game dead, do not “reignite” it. There is no redemption to be had. Lock this one in the vault and treat it like a lesson. One day you too could make your own Enter The Dragonfly, and you don’t want to be that guy. Sometimes things should be left as memories in our heads, never to be revisited. This is a ghost for a reason, so fear it.
Now for the end of this review, I feel like it’d be only fitting to just stop talking in the middle of my
You want to know the funniest thing about being a kid? It’s being ignorant to the fact that some things are just horseshit, and boy was kid me quite the ignoramus. Revisiting this game, it’s not like I didn’t know what I was getting myself into but there was some sick part of me that wanted to relive a good moment of my life in the one Spyro game I have the most unblurry memories of.
Well it turns out, those memories end at the 2nd level and nothing beyond it. Even the borderline racist NPCs somehow scrubbed from my mind. There’s no shot I finished this as a kid, and my memories kept the better portion of the game in stasis forever. They’re not good levels per se, just functionally better. After that the game quickly hurtles closer towards dystopia the further you get into it. To put it quite bluntly, this game is just not finished and couldn’t be more of a beacon of developmental hell. Except this was from the PS2/Gamecube era back in 2002 and.. yeah folks, crunch and corporate shenanigans have been happening our entire lives. This shit was made in the same time it takes to grow a human fetus and still somehow ended up being more of a disappointment.
With vast levels that are emptier than corn fields and enemies with zero life put into them. There’s no variety to be seen, just small ranged dinosaur and big dinosaur who make this sound when you murder them. If this game has achieved anything, it’s that it is at the very least sometimes funny. But you won’t be laughing when the camera 360 no scopes itself into the wall of the level design, launching you off the platform that you’re currently standing on. On normal hardware this game runs like it’s being squeezed through a tube, but even while playing it through unscrupulous means there still feels like there’s some sort of wind resistance pushing against Spyro as he charges. He feels like he weighs a metric ton, which makes platforming a goddamn nightmare. If that’s not enough for you, throw in some magic floors that clip through your body, and mini-games made by Satan himself. The draw distance is abysmal. You want to go on your cozy little gem collectathon, but they removed Sparx’s little hint clues which means you’ll be scouring all of these gigantic levels for much longer than you want just for that one last gem to appear out of thin air because it glitched out the first time. It's actually a marvel of achievement that speedrunners were able to figure out how to beat this game in 1 minute, the amount of time it takes for the veil of nostalgia to be sucked from your eyes.
What’s it all for, you may ask? Well, some of the most weirdly named Dragonflies I could have ever imagined. They really just pulled from anywhere with these guys. “Hey, it’s Karen!!” Spyro says, but the subtitle says “Rhett.” I can’t believe my childhood hero Spyro just deadnamed that dragonfly. And like I said, these issues get more prevalent as the game keeps going. With each level, the more unfinished it feels. The worlds get emptier with more nonsensical tasks that barely function. Assets aren’t re-used, but still uninspiringly pulled from previous titles in an effort to save time. Unlockable powers that get used less and less, voice lines completely missing in some instances, etc., etc. It all culminates into a final boss fight that not even I could foresee. A baffling affront to God himself, just a gauntlet of atrocities deep fried through the Christmas deadline conveyor belt. Spyro died and we killed him.
Keep this game dead, do not “reignite” it. There is no redemption to be had. Lock this one in the vault and treat it like a lesson. One day you too could make your own Enter The Dragonfly, and you don’t want to be that guy. Sometimes things should be left as memories in our heads, never to be revisited. This is a ghost for a reason, so fear it.
Now for the end of this review, I feel like it’d be only fitting to just stop talking in the middle of my
OneShot
2016
When I was a kid, I subscribed to this youtube channel that made covers of my favorite Cave Story songs. I also was super into Rom Hacks of games and Cave Story mods too. It turned out that these two things would one day combine. NightMargin was that channel, and Michael Shirt made WTF Story. It's no wonder that OneShot became my favorite game of all time.
Sonic Adventure 2
2012
Oh, Sonic Adventure 2...
At first, the shift from hub worlds to linear storytelling was a change I had to get used to - the pace of doing levels back to back feels way different from walking around Station Squareaimlessly to get to the next stage and I didn't like how it felt here. However, my stance changed about halfway through the HERO story (which I played first), and I began to appreciate the storytelling of the sequel over SA1, because you get the story (on your side atleast) told in chronological order without having to puzzle it together and you constantly switch characters, so it doesn't get boring. So on the HERO side you're already getting a full story about Sonic and his friends alone, but the villains are contextualized in the DARK story. Personally, I preferred the DARK story, it just felt like the more complete package overall and the cast is more interesting.
As for the gameplay, Adventure 2 brought some noticeable changes to the Treasure Hunt stages, put an extended focus on mech levels (which play similar to Gamma from SA1) and also changes the physics and controls a bit from the first game - nothing worse than no longer being able to overly rely on Sonic's spindash, as it's not overpowered anymore. You get used to it fast, but that was a death sentence in the first hours of playing! Concerning the Treasure Hunt stages... I'm not a fan of what they did to the radar, the beeping noise is even more obnoxious (and louder) than before and only having the shards show up in a set order is frustrating. However, sometime during Knuckles' final level it came to me that I've developed stockholm syndrome towards the Treasure Hunt gameplay and after reflecting and replaying the Knuckles stages again, I had a lot more fun with them than before. They're an acquired taste, a guilty pleasure.
You know what else is guilty of being TOO LOUD? The mech levels - just hold down the lock-on button and you'll get a free trial of tinnitus, all while you've got a full Michael Bay movie with thirteen different kinds of explosions going down in the background. Weapons Bed might actually be one of the loudest levels I have ever played in ANY game. It's not like the audio mixing was good to begin with, the volume of sound effects during regular gameplay is so comically overtuned and you might as well believe the conversations in cutscenes were recorded during a rave by how often the voices get drowned out by the music. But generally, the soundtrack of Adventure 2 really delivers. Favorite songs are Escape from the City, Live & Learn and E.G.G.M.A.N.
Not much more to say, except that I missed out on the Chao Garden in this playthrough entirely, just because I had no clue how to hatch the eggs. A shame, cause that's apparently a big aspect of the game - so I'll be sure to check it out sometime. What else, Shadow and Rogue are awesome and this game is a blast to play despite the issues. I'm considering bumping it up to five stars if the Chao part of the game turns out to be good. It's just chaotic and fun.
In which other game can you experience Tails using his special move of crashing the game twice after telling Eggman how powerful he is? I can't think of one.
At first, the shift from hub worlds to linear storytelling was a change I had to get used to - the pace of doing levels back to back feels way different from walking around Station Square
As for the gameplay, Adventure 2 brought some noticeable changes to the Treasure Hunt stages, put an extended focus on mech levels (which play similar to Gamma from SA1) and also changes the physics and controls a bit from the first game - nothing worse than no longer being able to overly rely on Sonic's spindash, as it's not overpowered anymore. You get used to it fast, but that was a death sentence in the first hours of playing! Concerning the Treasure Hunt stages... I'm not a fan of what they did to the radar, the beeping noise is even more obnoxious (and louder) than before and only having the shards show up in a set order is frustrating. However, sometime during Knuckles' final level it came to me that I've developed stockholm syndrome towards the Treasure Hunt gameplay and after reflecting and replaying the Knuckles stages again, I had a lot more fun with them than before. They're an acquired taste, a guilty pleasure.
You know what else is guilty of being TOO LOUD? The mech levels - just hold down the lock-on button and you'll get a free trial of tinnitus, all while you've got a full Michael Bay movie with thirteen different kinds of explosions going down in the background. Weapons Bed might actually be one of the loudest levels I have ever played in ANY game. It's not like the audio mixing was good to begin with, the volume of sound effects during regular gameplay is so comically overtuned and you might as well believe the conversations in cutscenes were recorded during a rave by how often the voices get drowned out by the music. But generally, the soundtrack of Adventure 2 really delivers. Favorite songs are Escape from the City, Live & Learn and E.G.G.M.A.N.
Not much more to say, except that I missed out on the Chao Garden in this playthrough entirely, just because I had no clue how to hatch the eggs. A shame, cause that's apparently a big aspect of the game - so I'll be sure to check it out sometime. What else, Shadow and Rogue are awesome and this game is a blast to play despite the issues. I'm considering bumping it up to five stars if the Chao part of the game turns out to be good. It's just chaotic and fun.
In which other game can you experience Tails using his special move of crashing the game twice after telling Eggman how powerful he is? I can't think of one.
what a unique concept for a game. it's honestly done really well, i just wish it was a bit longer and had more options.
THE BINDING OF ISAAC WARP ZONE: S H A R D S O F I S A A C
Back in my original review, I think I sold Wrath of the Lamb a little short. I had called it one of the most unfun, bullshit things I had ever played coming from Edmund McMillen. But, there was one, small. Perhaps a tiny issue. Maybe with skill? Hell if I know...
Wrath of the Lamb is where The Binding of Isaac truly began, adding all types of new shit into the game. From bosses, to items, and even modes, Wrath of the Lamb is one of the most influential expansions to Isaac as a whole, and solidified the game as a masterpiece. Did 2011 simply not have enough content for you? Well, it's Wrath of the Lamb now, bitches!
This is where the alternate floors come into play, and the greater enemy variety is more apparent here than ever. I didn’t notice how limited 2011’s enemies were until I installed Wrath of the Lamb, because holy shit. This is way bigger! And the bosses? Far more intimidating than before. Each boss is far more devious than the previous Flash bosses, being faster and even more intimidating with the new music, which goes just as hard as the rest of the soundtrack. The difficulty of the game itself is so much higher than before. I nearly died on the first FLOOR when playing, it’s that grueling. In fact, it might be a little... too hard. I do really like Wrath of the Lamb (now that I don’t suck at it), but in GOD’S NAME, at least play Flash for a little bit before downloading it, because the type of shit you’ll encounter far exceeds the difficulty of any expansion to Isaac, and yes, even Repentance. To compensate, Angel rooms have now been added, and you can also manipulate them into spawning, and these have weaker items, like Rebirth, but the pool doesn’t suck now!!! Hooray! And, just like every previous Isaac expansion, there’s new story. There’s the Cathedral, and The Chest. Now, you might say that I already covered these, but Wrath of the Lamb’s Cathedral is NOT the same as Rebirth’s, not by a long shot. It’s a far more challenging area, with enemies being far superior and faster, and the final boss (Isaac) has been completely changed in Rebirth, honestly one of the only things Rebirth did worse compared to Flash. It’s a complete slap fight, with Isaac only firing and firing hundreds of tears towards you. After doing that for a bit, he stands up and starts firing homing tears in a D-Pad pattern, and does it even more frequently, before finally gaining flight, summoning so many enemies and light beams, descending down on the player. And this is where the true fight begins, easily being the hardest part of the battle. And the music, once again, is fucking incredible. After killing him, you get a piece of an image on the title, and I think you know what that means. So after 6 kills, you get The Polaroid trinket, and it drops after killing Mom. Now, go into the Chest dropped from killing Isaac, and bam. You’re in the final chapter of the game. This floor is essentially a victory lap, with every dropped chest being converted into items, and the final boss is Blue Baby. He’s essentially the Hard Mode of the Isaac fight, shooting even more tears, having more health, and having the ability to teleport across the room. And, for the final time, the Chest drops. The final ending shows numerous polaroids, showing Isaac’s memories, as the screen slowly fades to back, while the Library music plays in the background. Nightmare fuel. But, when it comes to the rest of Wrath of the Lamb, there’s not much to say that hasn’t been said already in my prior reviews. All of the new items are pretty cool, there’s even more run variety, and practically everything from Flash is fixed, so yeah. Wrath of the Lamb is pretty damn good, if I say so myself.
Except for ONE, tiny, SMALL issue. 100%ing Wrath of the Lamb is fucking TERRIBLE. Okay, so we all know the usual “defeat every boss with every character” stick, right? I neglected to mention this in my previous review, but Flash Isaac is just as straightforward as Afterbirth when it comes to 100%. But thought Flash was too easy? You sir, have not played Wrath of the Lamb. And it’s all due to a little update in 2015, without Mcillen’s involvement. Wrath of the Lamb wasn’t too taxing of a 100% prior. Sure, Isaac and ??? were pretty hard, but once you got it down the first time, the difficulty only snowballed. And the challenges weren’t so bad either, so 100% was pretty fun and engaging. But... in 2015... oh man, Curse Alert for those who care.
ETERNAL EDITION IS THE WORST FUCKING THING EVER INTRODUCED INTO THIS GODDAMN FRANCHISE. HOLY SHIT, WHERE DO I BEGIN WITH THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT??? There’s NO new items nor anything in this update, only Hard mode, taking most of, if not ALL of the fun out of 100%. That’s the entire fucking POINT of The Binding of Isaac. The achievements are difficult WITHIN REASON! You actually get shit for going out of your way to do something difficult. THAT’S WHY IT’S FUN! I need way more incentive to play Hard mode rather than an achievement on Steam. That’s what made Super Meat Boy 100% so fun. The Meat Ninja is actually a cool unlockable, even IF Leaderboards are disabled with him! Shit, if you couldn’t come up with any new items, just take some from Rebirth, that would be COOL and neat to see in the older version of Isaac. You use Godhead for your achievement icon already, why not go all the way? Oh, and Hard Mode? I kid you not, this is some f the most grueling, unfun BULLSHIT THAT I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED IN THE BINDING OF ISAAC. The D6 got nerfed for no fucking reason, the Eternal Bosses are controller breaking frustration, and the difficulty relies on heavy luck to even succeed. I’m not kidding when I say I had an awesome run but with low HP, and I had over 5 seconds of unavoidable damage that KILLED me and made me start ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way back to the fucking Basement. Great and fun game design, Himsl. Oh, and whoever designed Eternal Monstro can eat a dick t- OH, OOPS! Eternal Edition isn’t fun. Don’t go for these achievements. Seriously, they’re awful. Wrath of the Lamb is an amazing game, but simply put, Eternal Edition just sucks.
But overall, Flash Isaac as a whole is pretty solid, despite Eternal Edition being far from the greatest. If you’re getting tired of Rebirth, I’d recommend trying out Flash, even for a little bit. It’s shockingly fun, and I think it held up pretty well. Hell, I'd say that it's on the same tier as Rebirth in terms of greatness. But thats enough dawdling. We all know what’s coming next. So it’s time for the finale, the PINNACLE of zeusdeegoose. Until then, my friends.
“Life isn't fair, isn't it? / Wrath forges his fury, his sin / From within he cries” “Wrath” by zeusdeegoose, Written on 4/22/24
Back in my original review, I think I sold Wrath of the Lamb a little short. I had called it one of the most unfun, bullshit things I had ever played coming from Edmund McMillen. But, there was one, small. Perhaps a tiny issue. Maybe with skill? Hell if I know...
Wrath of the Lamb is where The Binding of Isaac truly began, adding all types of new shit into the game. From bosses, to items, and even modes, Wrath of the Lamb is one of the most influential expansions to Isaac as a whole, and solidified the game as a masterpiece. Did 2011 simply not have enough content for you? Well, it's Wrath of the Lamb now, bitches!
This is where the alternate floors come into play, and the greater enemy variety is more apparent here than ever. I didn’t notice how limited 2011’s enemies were until I installed Wrath of the Lamb, because holy shit. This is way bigger! And the bosses? Far more intimidating than before. Each boss is far more devious than the previous Flash bosses, being faster and even more intimidating with the new music, which goes just as hard as the rest of the soundtrack. The difficulty of the game itself is so much higher than before. I nearly died on the first FLOOR when playing, it’s that grueling. In fact, it might be a little... too hard. I do really like Wrath of the Lamb (now that I don’t suck at it), but in GOD’S NAME, at least play Flash for a little bit before downloading it, because the type of shit you’ll encounter far exceeds the difficulty of any expansion to Isaac, and yes, even Repentance. To compensate, Angel rooms have now been added, and you can also manipulate them into spawning, and these have weaker items, like Rebirth, but the pool doesn’t suck now!!! Hooray! And, just like every previous Isaac expansion, there’s new story. There’s the Cathedral, and The Chest. Now, you might say that I already covered these, but Wrath of the Lamb’s Cathedral is NOT the same as Rebirth’s, not by a long shot. It’s a far more challenging area, with enemies being far superior and faster, and the final boss (Isaac) has been completely changed in Rebirth, honestly one of the only things Rebirth did worse compared to Flash. It’s a complete slap fight, with Isaac only firing and firing hundreds of tears towards you. After doing that for a bit, he stands up and starts firing homing tears in a D-Pad pattern, and does it even more frequently, before finally gaining flight, summoning so many enemies and light beams, descending down on the player. And this is where the true fight begins, easily being the hardest part of the battle. And the music, once again, is fucking incredible. After killing him, you get a piece of an image on the title, and I think you know what that means. So after 6 kills, you get The Polaroid trinket, and it drops after killing Mom. Now, go into the Chest dropped from killing Isaac, and bam. You’re in the final chapter of the game. This floor is essentially a victory lap, with every dropped chest being converted into items, and the final boss is Blue Baby. He’s essentially the Hard Mode of the Isaac fight, shooting even more tears, having more health, and having the ability to teleport across the room. And, for the final time, the Chest drops. The final ending shows numerous polaroids, showing Isaac’s memories, as the screen slowly fades to back, while the Library music plays in the background. Nightmare fuel. But, when it comes to the rest of Wrath of the Lamb, there’s not much to say that hasn’t been said already in my prior reviews. All of the new items are pretty cool, there’s even more run variety, and practically everything from Flash is fixed, so yeah. Wrath of the Lamb is pretty damn good, if I say so myself.
Except for ONE, tiny, SMALL issue. 100%ing Wrath of the Lamb is fucking TERRIBLE. Okay, so we all know the usual “defeat every boss with every character” stick, right? I neglected to mention this in my previous review, but Flash Isaac is just as straightforward as Afterbirth when it comes to 100%. But thought Flash was too easy? You sir, have not played Wrath of the Lamb. And it’s all due to a little update in 2015, without Mcillen’s involvement. Wrath of the Lamb wasn’t too taxing of a 100% prior. Sure, Isaac and ??? were pretty hard, but once you got it down the first time, the difficulty only snowballed. And the challenges weren’t so bad either, so 100% was pretty fun and engaging. But... in 2015... oh man, Curse Alert for those who care.
ETERNAL EDITION IS THE WORST FUCKING THING EVER INTRODUCED INTO THIS GODDAMN FRANCHISE. HOLY SHIT, WHERE DO I BEGIN WITH THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT??? There’s NO new items nor anything in this update, only Hard mode, taking most of, if not ALL of the fun out of 100%. That’s the entire fucking POINT of The Binding of Isaac. The achievements are difficult WITHIN REASON! You actually get shit for going out of your way to do something difficult. THAT’S WHY IT’S FUN! I need way more incentive to play Hard mode rather than an achievement on Steam. That’s what made Super Meat Boy 100% so fun. The Meat Ninja is actually a cool unlockable, even IF Leaderboards are disabled with him! Shit, if you couldn’t come up with any new items, just take some from Rebirth, that would be COOL and neat to see in the older version of Isaac. You use Godhead for your achievement icon already, why not go all the way? Oh, and Hard Mode? I kid you not, this is some f the most grueling, unfun BULLSHIT THAT I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED IN THE BINDING OF ISAAC. The D6 got nerfed for no fucking reason, the Eternal Bosses are controller breaking frustration, and the difficulty relies on heavy luck to even succeed. I’m not kidding when I say I had an awesome run but with low HP, and I had over 5 seconds of unavoidable damage that KILLED me and made me start ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way back to the fucking Basement. Great and fun game design, Himsl. Oh, and whoever designed Eternal Monstro can eat a dick t- OH, OOPS! Eternal Edition isn’t fun. Don’t go for these achievements. Seriously, they’re awful. Wrath of the Lamb is an amazing game, but simply put, Eternal Edition just sucks.
But overall, Flash Isaac as a whole is pretty solid, despite Eternal Edition being far from the greatest. If you’re getting tired of Rebirth, I’d recommend trying out Flash, even for a little bit. It’s shockingly fun, and I think it held up pretty well. Hell, I'd say that it's on the same tier as Rebirth in terms of greatness. But thats enough dawdling. We all know what’s coming next. So it’s time for the finale, the PINNACLE of zeusdeegoose. Until then, my friends.
“Life isn't fair, isn't it? / Wrath forges his fury, his sin / From within he cries” “Wrath” by zeusdeegoose, Written on 4/22/24
Fur Squadron
2022
It's a fairly simple Star Fox clone that feels uninspired, but is serviceable. Feels more like an alpha proof of concept more than anything. If you want a really good indie Star Fox clone, go play Ex-Zodiac.
Dark Witch fans stared me dead into the eyes and told me this was worth $30.
It’s JUST Solitaire but with some VTubers. Good character design, but if you like VTubers, I think there might be a perfect site for them. No Dark Witch twist, nor actual clever gameplay. Why would you EVER buy this? Look at Holocure or Holo X Break, and those fuckers are making actually fun VTuber games for FREE!
This is the Dark Witch equivalent of the “Mario Slapped on A Box” joke. Needless to say, if you want an actually fun game, play Balatro instead. What a joke.
It’s JUST Solitaire but with some VTubers. Good character design, but if you like VTubers, I think there might be a perfect site for them. No Dark Witch twist, nor actual clever gameplay. Why would you EVER buy this? Look at Holocure or Holo X Break, and those fuckers are making actually fun VTuber games for FREE!
This is the Dark Witch equivalent of the “Mario Slapped on A Box” joke. Needless to say, if you want an actually fun game, play Balatro instead. What a joke.