I played this bullshit while getting spammed Better Call Saul riffs, Laura Palmer screams and a miriad of other funny meme sounds at x10 the sound they should play, I got so fucking dissoriented I thought I was going to have a panic attack. All just to get the intended experience by the devs: A child who still hasn't learned how to read, has been left alone by their parents and is still susceptible to the sweet release of an epileptic fit.

This is what stimulates your cousin for 14 hours straight every single day. Actual hell on earth.

i love videogames

in fact I live my daily life ⅓ of my time thinking about videogames ⅓ thinking about furry stuff/drawing things/university exams and ⅓ thinking about dick and sex and boys

even though people may not think so videogames are a form of art lately experiences like outer wilds shadow of the colossus fata morgana nier replicant arches really helped me through a lot of stuff happening in my life and even changed my worldview in some cases

this ? this is disgusting absolutely fucking garbage a cashgrab like no other I wish to say that its so bad to make me laugh but this is genuinely the worst of the worst incredibly uninspired just trying to monopolise on youtube playthrough hollow minded content creators grabbing any rubbish with some gripping background to get clicks from people mentally aged at a whopping 8 years old level of intelligence

ok im joking this was too aggressive im not that mad at this but genuinely what the fuck this game has original portal level of environments and it made my gaming personal computer fucking explode can you even believe that

trying to hop on the "mascots for babies are actually scary" train these famously untalented people in the industry just tried a quick clickbait kind of game and somehow succeeded accordingly

if you want you can complete the game in 20 minutes all you're gonna do is go around doing some elementary school level environmental puzzles with a drone and getting eggs around the playground and omg… there's a chasing sequence from a pink bird… so spooky omg omg im so scared I pooped my pants no clickbait this game made me shit my pants 100% real (legendado) andate a cagare coglioni dai I can't say this in english

anyway the art design is purposely uninspired there's assets that you can get fom free on the Internet and the couple of stuff they actually put is abysmal thank you for your effort but you failed

five nights at freddys is a great example of this trope used accordingly . it created a genre it was really original for its time and played a really haunting experience even though kind of janky and king of cheap

this one ? allegedly it's an horror game and I genuinely believe it's a better source of laughter than dread and if you genuinely get scared from this shit don't ever touch silent hill or resident evil and I don't even get scared by those game cmon

in the finale you get a boohoo cliffhanger with a jumpscare omg I shat my pants im so ready for the sequel fuck yourself this is the first and last game in this series im ever gonna play even if garten of banban 9 gets a 4.5 score on this hell site I will never touch it thank you for making this game because my bar got so fucking low that I will now regard saya no uta as a masterpiece bye support me on my furry art twitter

The Garten of Ban Ban is a misunderstood work of art. As the game starts off we appear in a seemingly abandoned School, supposedly for kindergartners hence the title. As we progress we find a keycard which unlocks a door giving you access to the games coupe de grace: The drone. A massively unique mechanic featuring a mechanical device allowing you to pinpoint locations with your crosshair and use your left mouse button to direct it into the button to press it. Of course, you can only use this after finding the 2 batteries, which are masterfully hidden. After opening a new door you see an unsettling figure peering out from the corner: the antagonist. The bird vanishes, and as you press another button in the eerie school, a playground lights up in front of you. The graphics here truly are mesmerizing, putting realities beauty to a test. The same bird requests 6 eggs for you to find, and each are placed in positions that keep the player engaged, while not causing too much frustration. After you insert the 6 eggs into the avian mouth, it regurgitates yet another keycard, which you use to activate a button that allows you to press a button which opens a door giving you a hammer which allows you to break the opposing barricade. An odd lift over a traumatizing pit lays in front of you, and as you pass you are bestowed a puzzle: You must recall the colors that the mascots vibrantly show throughout the masterful illustrations around the school. After solving the puzzle and grabbing a keycard, the bird is riding over on the same lift you used. You msut quickly use your drone to press a button to pen up a bridge, and hastily cross it to hit the button on the other side to slay the beast. Now entering a new room and hitting 3 more randomly scattered buttons with your crosshair and drone, a lift comes up from the floor... this school is more than meets the eye... As you get on the lift and descend into the dark, the giant green monster, Ban Ban approaches you, and knocks over your lift. This scare startled me to the point I almost turned off my computer in fear... but thankfully, I was greeted with a rewarding victory screen. My mind is boiling to see what kind of fantastic designs will be constructed in the future for the sequel, and I will be purchasing all merch from this game and forcing my family to wear it, in honor of this masterpiece, that saved me from suicide. Nothing in the world can be as interactive and chilling as Garten of BanBan

Unlike soulless trite that exists merely for cheap thrills like Silent Hill 2, Garten of Banban is a truly meaningful and impactful horror experience. It is a clear commentary on how capitalism ruined education as an institution, turning it from something that existed for genuine development of the mind to something with the top priority of preparing children to be merely another cog in a machine of capitalism. The core contrast between the "wholesome" drawn depictions of the creatures and their real, more radical counterparts is a very clear reference to Lenin's The State and Revolution and the particular quote "attempts are made to convert [revolutionaries] into harmless icons, to canonize them, so to say, and to hallow their names to a certain extent for the 'consolation' of the oppressed classes and with the object of duping the latter, while at the same time robbing the revolutionary theory of its substance, blunting its revolutionary edge and vulgarizing it." While gamers will hail meaningless trash like Disco Elysium and Mother 3 as "masterpieces," the people who truly understand gaming's potential as a form of art will know that Garten of Banban is the true gold standard that games should strive towards.

Actually just kidding this game fucking sucks lmao

I played this with a friend watching me and the moment the chairs started fliying and spinning across the room we lost our fucking minds; that, plus the vine booms and Jumbo Josh, fucking sent us.

I’m not gonna dedicate more time to this review than the developers took on making the game: Garten of Banban only holds value in the fever dream-like experience it produces while playing, and it's absolutely shocking how this game fails in almost every department, be it visually, level design-wise or the general concept.

At first, back when I heard of it, I just thought it was a normal bad game that had the misfortune of turning into the poster child of everything that's wrong with modern broader horror, but after seeing more of it and know playing it, I now know better, oh do I understand now.

This is like if someone with zero artistic qualities tried to do a macaroni art version of the Mona Lisa, except that in this case the Mona Lisa isn't even that good. Uninspired, visually overly simplistic and ugly, puzzle logic that seems to be designed by some kind of rat man that has lived in the sewers for 20 years that purely consists on going around on cycles finding stuff and telling a drone to bump into buttons and finding electric pads under FUCKING DESKS, non-existent horror elements, aspirations of being a cash-grab by following a episodic format and having a god-forsaken merch-store, horrible setting that doesn't make any kind of sense at a logical level (the games it follows beat by beat even manage to make their settings at least believable), putrid art-style, poorly designed, vile, unappetizing, disgusting excuse for a videogame it has ever been my displeasure to have entered within the range of my visual field!... and yet, I... I fucking adore it.

This game activates all of the dumbest neurons in my brain, reaching high levels of awfulness while not being absolutely infuriating or boring. It’s a like seeing a clown car crash, it’s horrible and you can’t stop looking at it, but it’s funny in a very twisted way. It all is just bonkers enough to be endearing, with character designs that are stupid as they are the best things in the universe; Jumbo Josh is an absolute unit and a king and I shall not take any negatives for an answer. And the best part of all of this is that I’m not alone, my friend was also losing his shit at this game, as so did what it seemed like the entire internet, and is a fascinating case almost deserving of study how this preposterous product such at thus could have this effect, but it’s precisely that twisted fun what gives it’s only thing of value.

It’s Garten of Banban the worst thing ever? No, as much as I have trashed on it, it’s at least functional, it at least has a semblance of design, it at least it has kinda neat ideas in theory, at least it’s funny… which may be the bare minimum to ask but hey, at least it does something. I know that it’s its short duration what prevents it from being and absolute shitshow, and I don’t have any kind of doubts that the other chapters wouldn’t be deserving of an extra half-star, but hey, at least I can say of this one that there was an attempt kinda not really.

It's bad, it’s borderline atrocious, but it’s kinda amazing how a game can give me so much joy in a way it didn’t intend at all. This is the definition of a guilty pleasure, except it’s not really a pleasure… ‘’guilty novelty’’, yeah, I think that’s the better way to put it.

This is, indeed, the BOTY.

Whatever you do, please don’t tell the people on the backloggd discord server I gave this a half-star.

Uninteresting, unfinished, ugly. Not in a good way; only almost atmospheric. Feels like a game that my little cousins would play on their phones at some sort of event, like a graduation or a wedding. The game amounts to a tiny series of fetch quests in a liminal kindergarten and one minor inconvenience of an ‘encounter’, and none of it works or congeals into anything resembling a compelling gameplay experience or even a lucid statement to the contrary.

Appreciated that it was free, but I suppose they robbed me of precious time, which is all we really have at the end of the day. You couldn’t even ride down the slide.

Imagining this being played by its target audience, but, more specifically, a version of myself who is young enough to be the target audience. I download it at the age of 8 and barely survive the first 19 minutes because of the terrifying Viva Pinata bird. Minute 20 hits and I come face-to-face with Jumbo Josh; his goofy fucking face comes out of the darkness and I start absolutely screaming. I am not okay. My mom bursts into the room and asks what's wrong and then gets really annoyed when I tell her it's because Garten of Banban scared me and we get in an argument over how she knew she couldn't trust me not to play something inappropriate and I get sent to my room. Later on that night I hear my mom say "this is why the computer isn't good for him!" and my dad starts arguing back about how I'm a growing boy. They're screaming now at each other and usually that would already be upsetting but it's even worse because all the while I'm fucking terrified that Jumbo Josh is going to burst into the living room and kill them both. I go to school the next day and all the kids have just watched the Markiplier playthrough of Garten of Banban 2 and they ask me what I thought of it and I sheepishly say I'm not allowed to play Garten of Banban and one of them calls me a pussy and gets sent to the principle's office for it and the whole class hates me. I didn't even rat him out someone was just around to hear him say it but they all still blame me. On the way out to the busses at the end of the day I walk by a kid wearing the $59.99 "Banban's Party" backpack you can buy from a link on the game's main menu and I see Jumbo Josh and start freaking out again. Was going to rate this one star but I'm mad now because this could have happened to me so now it's getting half a star.