Sonic CD haters are not welcome in my household.

Sure, Sonic CD’s level design is messy, chaotic, and makes gaining speed a little difficult, but it’s also well-suited for exploration. I can see how the game might seem lame or frustrating if you’re just trying to go from zone-to-zone, but if you take the time to hunt down the robot generators, you’ll see just how much fun can be had in this game. Additionally, Stardust Speedway is one of my favorite levels in any video game ever, and Metallic Madness is a pretty great final zone (and I’m tired of pretending that it’s not).

Sonic CD also succeeds in visual storytelling. The plot is mostly just Sonic vs. Eggman again, but you have some finer details that heighten the stakes. The bad futures show just what will happen to Little Planet (and by extension, Sonic’s world) if Eggman takes over: it’s a polluted, industrial wasteland with the mad doctor’s face plastered everywhere, where all plant life has been choked to death by smog and all animals have been shoved into Badniks to serve as living batteries. Needless to say, the game motivates you to save the future, no matter the cost.

On top of that, Sonic CD introduces Amy and— more prominently— Metal Sonic, Eggman’s top enforcer, a robotic clone meant to outdo the titular hedgehog in every way, and one of the coolest villains in the franchise. The game masterfully builds up your inevitable showdown; Metal kidnaps Amy, abuses and oppresses the animals of Little Planet, and lures Sonic to a climactic race on Stardust Speedway. The race is one of the greatest moments in the series’ history, as Sonic books it to the finish line to rescue Amy and prove who the one, true Sonic is, while Metal attempts to electrocute and plow straight through him. You’ll feel like a total badass once you leave Metal Sonic in the dust and head into Eggman’s base of operations, then defeat the bald fucker and free Little Planet from his control.

There’s also a pretty nice environmentalist theme that ties everything together. By obtaining the good futures, you’ll see a world where nature and technology not only coexist, but seem to actively benefit from each other. It shows that machines and ecosystems can and should exist in harmony— it’s greedy bastards like Eggman, who seek to use one of them utterly dominate and destroy the other, that are the problem.

Then there’s the music. Holy fuck. I’ve only ever listened to the Japanese soundtrack, so I can’t speak for the American version, but HOLY SHIT THE MUSIC SLAPS BALLS!!!! Seriously, every single track is an absolute banger that milks the game’s CD hardware for all it’s worth. Special mention to Metallic Madness (Present), with its incomprehensible rap lyrics that will nevertheless be stuck in my head for the rest of time.

All in all, Sonic CD is awesome. Amazing visuals, music, and story, along with lots fast-paced gameplay and exploration. It’s probably my most replayed Sonic game, and im definitely not ashamed of that.

It’s alright. It’s way too short (only seven zones) and it’s a massive missed opportunity to explore the history of handheld Sonic games. It’s also really strange that both Classic and Modern Sonic are in 2D; it’s not like the 3DS can’t handle a 3D Sonic game, so I don’t understand why Dimps decided to make this version 100% 2D. The homing attack is also required for Classic Sonic, which just makes the two gameplay styles seem even more identical.

The level design gets a bit worse and relies too much on bottomless pits after the Genesis zones. Special shout-out to Radical Highway for sucking absolute ass in this game. Also, the rival battles are pathetically bad due to the fact that you just run through them in random zones and the rivals have rubber band mechanics, meaning that all you have to do to win is boost in the last five seconds, otherwise they’ll just teleport or Chaos Control or whatever right in front of you.

Aside from that, I genuinely enjoyed the actual bosses, with Big Arm and the Egg Emperor being particularly fun. I liked Water Palace and I look forward to playing Sonic Rush. I liked that this game’s version of Tropical Resort was based on the DS one instead of the Wii version. I really liked this game’s rendition of Emerald Coast (not as much as the original, obviously, but still). I liked the way classic Sonic controls. Lastly, the visuals are gorgeous for a 3DS game.

It’s just an okay time-killer overall, but the console version is superior in every way.

Wow, Sonic Forces is definitely the Sonic game of all time.

There’s a lot of fun to be had with Forces. There’s a few great levels. The soundtrack is, as always, and absolute banger. Modern Sonic controls pretty well, and so does the Avatar. The character creation thingy for the Avatar is pretty fun and you get to customize them as a reward for S-ranking levels… which isn’t hard to do. Finally, the visuals are fantastic, even on my crappy old Switch.

I’d like to take a moment to highlight Null Space, the best level in the game. You don’t actually spend much time in Null Space itself, as most of the level takes place in Eggman’s captured city. Nevertheless, it’s an exhilarating, high-speed level with a plethora of alternate pathways, rails to grind on, and the glorious sound of “Fist Bump” blaring in the background as Sonic and the Avatar plow through Eggman’s forces. Honestly, Null Space is one of my favorite levels in the franchise.

It’s a shame that almost every other level is either just okay or outright bad.

It’s become a meme among Sonic fans that Forces is just “Boost to Win: The Game”. I thought they were exaggerating. They were not. Most of the 3D Modern Sonic levels consist of you holding the boost button. Sure, you can go off the beaten path to look for goodies, but you’ll quickly be spat back out onto the main route, and the ranking system is so forgiving that it’s really possible to just hold boost and get an S at the end.

The Avatar has some fairly strong levels (Capital City is pretty badass). These levels focus mostly on precision platforming, and they shine when you have to slow down a little bit to make proper jumps. The Avatar is equipped with a grappling hook that allows you to swing around like Spider-Man, which was unexpected, but very welcome. He/she also has a weapon powered by Wisps, which is literally just called a “Wispon”. I still hate that they brought back the Wisps for the fourth 3D game in a row when they have no canonical reason to be here, but the Wispon is at least fun to control, and opens up lots of new opportunities for combat and exploration.

Classic Sonic is absolute fucking garbage. Like holy shit, how did they fuck the little dude up so badly, when they’re literally using the same engine from Generations? Classic Sonic builds up zero momentum and falls like a fucking rock after every pitiful little jump he makes, causing his levels to be the slowest, most boring, and most infuriating in the game. Shout out to Iron Fortress for sucking absolute balls. At least his Egg Dragoon fight is pretty fun, if simple.

The final battle against the Death Egg Robot is pretty good. It starts out with Classic Sonic, which is boring as shit but can be beat in like 40 seconds if you know what you’re doing. Then you switch to the Avatar, where I had lots of fun going wild on Eggman and all of his machines with my Lightning Wispon whip. Then you switch to Modern Sonic (with Classic and the Avatar running alongside him) and… it’s the Nega-Wisp Armor again. Well, okay, it’s a little different and it’s still fun but… it’s basically just the same final boss as Colors and Lost World. Still, if you beat it and get that sweet, sweet S-rank, you’ll feel like a total badass.

The plot is almost laughably bad, partly due to bad English localization. Here’s all the shit I hated about it:

1) That scene where Tails cowers like a complete pussy at the sight of Chaos. Not just Chaos, but CHAOS 0. Remember, Tails has had no problem kicking Chaos’ ass in even stronger forms, so this is just pathetic.

2) Apparently, Eggman had been torturing Sonic for months, but the Blue Blur seems perfectly fine when we next see him. This was notably absent in the Japanese version, meaning that Pontac and Graff added it just to try and be edgy.

3) The side characters are useless. Seriously, Sonic and the Avatar are the only ones who actually do anything in the war against Eggman, while everyone just kinda shoots aimlessly, gets their asses kicked, or— in Knuckles’ case— make stupid decisions that get 80% of their troops killed.

4) Classic Sonic has nothing to do with anything here. If you cut him out, nothing would change… other than the fact that the game would be much better and wouldn’t be seen an insulting sequel to Mania.

5) THE TONE. Holy shit, this game doesn’t know how to juggle its tone. Sure, Sonic stories do need some levity (it’s about a talking blue hedgehog chasing after an egg-shaped scientist, it’s inherently ridiculous), but this game just fucks it up. You’ve got Sonic wisecracking after being locked up and tortured for months on end, Amy randomly bringing up how “dreamy” the two Sonics are, a potentially tense confrontation being immediately shattered by Shadow intervening and saying “It’s a fake” (iykyk), and so on and so forth. That’s not to say these games need to take themselves 100% seriously, though; some of the most beloved stories in the series like Adventure 2, Unleashed, or Frontiers have plenty of comedic moments, but they never clash with or distract from the serious parts, and they manage to strike a good balance. Man, I really wish Ian Flynn had written this game, it would’ve been so much better.

Then there’s Infinite, who I have mixed feeling about. On the one hand, I really like just how evil and unapologetically edgy he is; he’s like a stereotypical Sonic OC villain, which makes him a perfect foil to the Avatar. His powers are cool, his boss fights are good, and Liam O’Brien does a fantastic job voicing him. However, he’s also very underwritten, and the Episode Shadow DLC (which I played) leaves more questions about him than answers. Plus, he apparently joined Eggman because he got humiliated and couldn’t handle a bruised ego. That could be interesting unto itself— a selfish, narcissistic bully who makes others suffer to hide his low self-esteem— but the game glosses over it. Ian Flynn’s prequel comics provide some better context, showing that Infinite was always a sadistic lunatic and that his initial defeat was just the last straw, causing him to seize the opportunity for ultimate power the first chance he got. Once again, if only Ian Flynn had written this game… but as it stands, I’d like to see Infinite return in a future game so we can get some better characterization.

Thankfully, Roger Craig Smith and Mike Pollock perform their roles as Sonic and Eggman just as dutifully as you’d expect. So… yeah, that’s it for the game’s plot.

One last negative to note: unoriginality. Most of the stages are themed after locations from previous games (Green Hill, Chemical Plant, Death Egg, etc.), which just screams “We’re out of ideas.” On top of that, the extra stages— while kind of fun— steal gimmicks straight out of Sonic Colors, which only served to remind me that I could be playing a much better game.

All in all, Sonic Forces is the definition of mid. Seriously, if you look up “middling” in the dictionary, you’ll see a screenshot from Lost Valley. There’s plenty of fun to be had, but Sonic Forces is mostly a mindless, unimpressive, and poorly-written entry in the franchise, filled with ideas and mechanics that have been done far better in Colors, Generations, and Mania.

”Back to back and spinnin’ on the back!”

Sonic Rush is awesome. From the surprisingly well-rendered 3D models and animations, to the badass soundtrack by Hideki Naganuma, to its two equally charismatic protagonists, everything about Sonic Rush just oozes “cool”.

Starting with the story: it’s by-the-numbers, but fun and effective. Sonic is after alternate version of Eggman from another dimension, and runs into Blaze, the princess of said dimension who is pursuing the main Eggman. Okay, that sounds confusing, but it’s basically just Sonic and Blaze vs. two Eggmen.

What makes the game’s story standout, however, is the characters, specifically Blaze the Cat. Blaze is basically the Sonic series’ “Midna”— a side character that’s so well-written and compelling that she steals the show from the protagonist. Blaze has a simple, yet effective character arc about opening up and depending on others, which is punctuated by her adorable friendship with Cream and rivalry with Sonic. This game is more about Blaze than it is Sonic, and as such, delivers a pretty satisfying— if basic— story.

I’m gonna be a contrarian and say that I love this game’s level design. It’s definitely got some dick-ish enemy placement and the trademark Dimps Bottom Pits™️, but those don’t bother me too much. Thanks to the ability to replay levels whenever you want, it’s extremely easy to stock up on lives, so if you get a game over… skull issue. Plus, I genuinely enjoy memorizing the layout of the levels through trial-and-error and getting faster each time, which is exactly what Sonic has always been about. The only difference this time is that the game is more punishing when you screw up, which is fine by me.

Some highlights include:
— Leaf Storm, one hell of an introduction that quickly teaches you everything you need to know while still offering a ton of alternate paths and secrets.
— Water Palace, the “Back 2 Back” stage that prioritizes either speeding through underwater or staying above at all costs, making for an exhilarating experience.
— Dead Line, with its creative gravity-shifting mechanics and speedy rocket sections.

This game also introduced the Boost gameplay, where Sonic can break the sound barrier at the press button. While it sounds overpowered on paper, in practice, the Boost adds a layer of strategy to the fast-paced platforming. Using the Boost depletes a meter and it can take a while to refill it in some levels, so you have to quickly weigh the pros and cons of hitting the Boost button at any given point. Do you Boost through this section right now, or wait until you can see a feasible way of refilling it quickly? The Boost is implemented near-perfectly here, setting the stage for Unleashed to pick it up years later.

I can’t deny that the bosses are awful, though. They’re slow and repetitive, often taking longer than the stages themselves. The true final boss you unlock after getting the Chaos Emeralds is a bit underwhelming, but I’m still glad that it’s there; it’s a nice climax to go out on.

Speaking of the Chaos Emeralds, the Special Stages are surprisingly fun. They utilize the DS touch screen to allow for more precise aiming in the typical, yet well-rendered, Sonic 2 half-pipe, all of which combine for much less frustration. Although, the camera can still be an issue and the last one is a bizarre spike in difficulty from the depths of hell (it took me an hour to beat).

I already mentioned it before, but let me reiterate: the soundtrack is AMAZING. It’s just one banger after another, and if you haven’t listened to it yet, do yourself a favor and go ahead. You won’t regret it.

All in all, Sonic Rush is fun ass game that I enjoyed immensely. I’m not really sure where some of its hate comes from, nor do I care. It’s a fantastic debut for the Boost formula that still stands tall as one of the best.

So… Sonic Rush Adventure. I’ve heard this game was an improvement on the first in just about every way. It wasn’t.

The level design is much more accessible here. Notice how I said “more accessible” instead of “better”, because frankly, I don’t think this game’s level design is better. Sure, it’s easier and has less of those cheap Dimps Bottomless Pits™️, but it’s also very simple. This game did “Boost to win” a decade before Forces did. To the game’s credit, though, the tricks system, the number of enemies, and the quickly-depleting Boost meter make this game way more interactive than Forces. Still, I didn’t find myself actually trying until I got to Sky Babylon, which— hot take— is one of the best levels in the game.

What really brings this game down from the first, though, is the sheer amount of padding. You have to grind for materials to get Tails to build you new vehicles, thus allowing you to travel to new levels. That means you’ll have to replay the same, simplistic levels over and over until you gather all the stuff needed. It’s tedious.

The vehicle minigames are okay, I guess. I like the Wave Cyclone and the Aqua Blast, since they’re both fast-paced and require careful movement. The Ocean Tornado is too slow, but otherwise inoffensive (kinda like anything else in this series that involves the Tornado. The Deep Typhoon, though? Yikes. It’s pretty bad. It’s an onslaught of QTEs that are nigh-impossible to keep track of. Luckily, you only need to use it once.

Then there’s the story. It’s boring. I still love Blaze and her dynamic with Sonic, and I grew to appreciate Marine as her character developed. But… it’s so fucking boring. Just a bunch of bland cutscenes of the characters talking instead of actually doing something. The new villain, Captain Whisker, is clearly just a pawn of you-know-who, and the fact that Sonic and Tails don’t immediately figure it out just makes them look like complete morons. Not to mention, the aforementioned cutscenes go on forever, like holy shit, just get to the point! Sure, I can just skip them, but I wanna actually experience the story to get the full picture, but this game’s plot is just a whole lot of nothing.

Anyways, the Special Stages are good… when you can actual play them. You see, you can’t beat a lot of them until you upgrade the Wave Cyclone, which you can only do after the main campaign is complete. That’d be all well and good, except the game doesn’t inform you of this whatsoever, meaning you could throw yourself at a Special Stage for hours without knowing that you can’t actually beat it yet. That’s bad game design, full stop. Once you actually upgrade the thing, though, they are a genuinely fun time that utilizes the DS touchscreen in a creative way.

Collecting the Sol Emeralds is a fairly painless experience, but literally all of them are recycled content, so… yeah.

The bosses have been massively improved. No more stupid wait times and one-hit kills; now you can attack them whenever their weak spot is in sight (multiple times, I might add), and both final bosses are a good time.

The visuals are great for a DS game, and get more impressive as the game progresses. The music is a downgrade, but it’s still damn good and captures the game’s tone. The opening theme is just so upbeat and tropical, it’s hard not to love it.

While the level design is simple, the level gimmicks are better than last time. Snowboarding in Blizzard Peaks, navigating mine carts through Coral Cave, and riding FUCKING DOLPHINS on Pirates’ Island? Yeah, that’s awesome.

While Rush Adventure isn’t as exciting or distinct as its predecessor and suffers from some shit pacing, it’s still a solid, seafaring journey that grew on me as it progressed.

Man, it sure is a shame that Metroid Fusion took a more linear approach to its world design. It feels like a step down from Super because of that.

Alright, that’s all for criticisms. Metroid Fusion is fucking awesome.

Despite its linear structure, Fusion is still packed full of secrets, sequence-breaking opportunities, and classic items that make you feel more powerful as the game progresses. So, even though it’s linear, it still succeeds as a Metroid game with flying colors.

We’ve also got gorgeous 32-bit visuals, a catchy score, and tough-as-nails combat and boss battles (you can tell that the devs at MercurySteam are fans of this game). The story is also pretty compelling, diving into a new parasitic alien race and the corruption within the Galactic Federation, all while Samus is being stalked by a relentless clone of herself known as the SA-X. Every time the SA-X shows up, the game becomes straight-up survival horror, and it’s awesome. Metroid sure knows how to make players feel scared and alone, and Fusion is no exception.

I don’t know, man. Metroid Fusion is great. It may not be as good as some other Metroid games, but… it’s still Metroid, so it still fucking rules.

I love the music, controls, art direction, character designs (especially the Kongs and K. Rool), and some of the level design.

I hate the bosses and I find that many levels have unfair death traps that I can’t possibly see coming, especially in the later stages.

Is Donkey King Country an important classic? Absolutely. But is it overrated? Yeah.

This was short and sweet; it took about an hour and a half to beat.

Bosses are just as pathetic as in the original and the physics (especially for Diddy) feel wonky, but the level design accommodates for that. The graphics are genuinely impressive as fuck, even if it can sometimes be hard to see stuff due to the black-and-white screen. The music is great. Most of the levels are pretty decent, although there are a few bad ones (Sky Caper). The final world is surprisingly good, though.

Yeah, it’s Donkey Kong Country compressed to 8-bit form and shoved into a Game Boy cartridge, but it still manages to be fun.

Okay, I get it now.

After I finished Donkey Kong Country a couple days ago, I went back and replayed it. Then I went back and replayed it again. Holy fuck this game has excellent replay value.

Donkey Kong Country may not be perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but once you get used to it’s unique mechanics and steep difficulty curve, you’ll find one of the most fun and addicting platformers out there. You’ve got creative level gimmicks, detailed graphics, and fantastic music all throughout. Much like Super Mario Bros. 3, the more you play it, the better it gets. Donkey King Country has earned its place as a platforming classic, and I think it’s even better than Super Mario World (although as far as SNES games go, Super Metroid and A Link to the Past still have it beat).

Fucking awesome.

Donkey King Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest is an improvement over its predecessor. While I do thing the original is great due to its simplicity as a pure platformer, DKC2 is undeniably a better game overall. Better level design, better playable characters, better rewards for collecting, better graphics, better music… almost everything is better!

I say “almost” because… it’s not quite as consistent as the last outing. DKC2 experiments with lots of new level gimmicks. Most of them work out great but… bramble. I fucking hate the bramble levels. I’m also not a huge fan of the levels where you have to play as an animal buddy. Yeah, they’re cool, but I’d like to be able to just play as the Kongs if I want. Thankfully, most of their levels are good (as long as they don’t involve bramble).

The boss fights are just fine, which is better than the first game. The soundtrack, as previously mentioned, is phenomenal. Everyone loves Stickerbrush Symphony (literally the only good thing about those bramble levels), but “Flight of the Zinger” is probably my favorite track in the game.

Speaking of the music, this game has a much more cohesive theme: PIRATES MATEY 🏴‍☠️⚓️🏝️🦜🐊!!!!!!

You see, King K. Rool is now Kaptain K. Rool, leading the Kremlings as a giant pirate crew. As such, Diddy and Dixie must explore sunken ships, treasure-filled coves, and booby-trapped strongholds. In the background, you’ll hear lots of insanely catchy and pirate-y music that’ll make you wanna sail the seven seas for yourself. This level of thematic cohesion helps the game feel like a full adventure, rather than a collection of disparate levels.

There’s also an amusement park world, which doesn’t tie into the rest of the game’s theme, yet still feels perfectly natural in the setting. Like, of course K. Rool has his own theme park! Why wouldn’t he?

Here’s one last stray thought: when you visit Wrinkly Kong at Kong Kollege, she’ll occasionally mention that some of her students are Kremlings, and she’ll even request that Diddy tell K. Rool to finish his homework. I find it incredibly funny that Wrinkly Kong is not only teaching a band of evil pirates, but also her family’s sworn nemesis… and neither she nor K. Rool have any issue with that. I wonder what his major is…

Anyway, DKC2 is a great sequel. ‘Nuff said.

Donkey Kong Country 3 may not quite live up to its predecessors, but it’s a damn good game overall.

The level design dips into gimmicks a bit too often, but it never ceases to feel creative and fresh. The difficulty curve is solid and the gimmicks themselves are mostly fun (hate that one level with all the shield-holding Kremlings though).

The graphics are great, featuring some of the most detailed textures that the SNES is capable of. Likewise, while the soundtrack is missing David Wise’s signature style, it’s good in its own right (especially the underwater theme).

The game feels super anticlimactic, though. The final level felt like it came out of nowhere, and the last boss against King K. Roo— oh, sorry, Baron K. Roolenstein (???) is piss-easy compared to his previous fights.

DKC3 may not quite match the quality of its iconic predecessors, but it’s still a solid 2D platformer, only bogged down by some distracting gimmicks and an abrupt ending.

Ah, summer’s coming to an end. How should I spend it? Go out with friends? Ha! That’s funny. I’m gonna stay inside and replay Super Mario Sunshine! Wahoo!

Super Mario Sunshine is kind of a trainwreck, but it’s a trainwreck where the train crashed right at its destination and all of the passengers managed to get off unharmed. The game was rushed through development in a little over a year because the GameCube desperately needed a system seller due to low sales (Wind Waker is another victim of this). As a result, Sunshine came out and… it’s fucking BROKEN, dude.

Here’s some of the funniest glitches I’ve experienced:

— I was playing the Red Coin Blooper surfing level in Ricco Harbor. When I collected the final coin, the Shine appeared, and when the focus shifted back to Mario, the camera was trapped on his left side and started shaking violently. As a result, I crashed into a dock and killed Mario.
— The collision on the bridge in Pianta Village is something else. If you spray water and try to slide across the bridge, Mario will clip through it for no reason and fall to his death, screaming in terror. This glitch is so funny that I do it every time I replay the game.
— In the first level of Sirena Beach, before the manta ray even arrived, I got hit. By nothing. Literally nothing.

Super Mario Sunshine is littered with more glitches than Isle Delfino is with magic goop. You might stop and think “Wow, this games seems really unfinished.” That’s because it’s not finished. At all. It was rushed through little over a year of development, leaving behind a ton of bugs, cut content, and half-baked missions. Sunshine is, from a technical standpoint, the worst Mario game by a landslide.

And yet, in terms of gameplay, it’s still a lot of fun regardless.

The controls have seen a massive upgrade from Super Mario 64. The side-flip is much easier to pull off, wall jumps actually work now, and Mario has a new, completely overpowered spin jump that’s become a 3D Mario staple ever since. Unfortunately, the long jump, my favorite move, is absent. However, in its place we get…

FLUDD, the Flash Liquidizer Ultra Dowsing Device. Essentially, FLUDD is a wearable, talking water gun that also acts a jetpack. FLUDD’s hover ability allows Mario to… well, hover over gaps, and quickly feels like a natural part of the plumber’s moveset. The hose and the Hover Nozzle get plenty of use throughout the game, but the Turbo and Rocket Nozzles— while awesome— are very situational, and are often not worth the effort required to find them in each level.

Speaking of levels, we’ve got 8 of those (9 if you include Delfino Plaza, which I do). For the most part, the design of each world is pretty good and extremely faithful to the design philosophy of 64:

0. Delfino Plaza: The game’s main hub world, Delfino Plaza is a bustling town at the center of Isle Delfino, which has been thrown into chaos due to Shadow Mario’s interference. The place has a fuck ton of secrets, Shine Sprites, and Blue Coins to find, along with a plethora of NPCs doing their own thing. This easily makes Delfino Plaza the best, most densely-packed, and lively hub world in the series. However, not all of the Shines are fun to get, but more on that later.

1. Bianco Hills: An absolute banger of a first level. Bianco Hills is a beautiful hillside village next to a lake, with a giant windmill at the aforementioned lake’s center. There’s lots of ropes, walls, rooftops, bridges and ledges to hop around on and get used to the controls. As an introduction, I honestly think it might be even better than Bob-omb Battlefield.

2: Ricco Harbor: Another banger, Ricco Harbor is probably the most platform-heavy level in the game. The harbor itself only takes up a small part of the layout; the rest is a construction site situated above the ocean. All the cranes, boats, and scaffolding can be used make your own way around the level, with no particular route being the “correct” one. Fantastic design, in my opinion.

3. Gelato Beach: This is where the problems start to arise. Gelato Beach is basically just a flat plain of sand. Okay, you have to jump a little bit to get to the top of the level, but that’s it. There’s just not a lot of platforming going on here, which is a problem for a platform game. On the bright side, the music is great and beach aesthetic is wonderful.

4. Pinna Park: I like to call it “Penis Park”. Penis Park is an amusement park with a roller coaster, some of those swing-boat rides, a Ferris wheel, and merry-go-rounds. This has a lot of platforming potential, but unfortunately, only like 2 missions actually take advantage of that.

5. Sirena Beach: I love the third mission, “Mysterious Hotel Delfino”. It’s a pure adventure mission where you have to explore the hotel and solve puzzles to unlock Yoshi and eat a Boo in your way (it makes sense in context). However, that’s it. Every other mission is either meh (2 and 5) or awful (that manta ray boss and the casino slot machines).

6. Noki Bay: One of the best levels in the game, hands down. Noki Bay deftly combines platforming and exploration to create the largest, most engaging area in the game. There’s so much shit to find, the music and visuals are stunning, and each mission flows into the next with grace.

7. Pianta Village: I love “The Goopy Inferno”, “Piantas in Need”, and “Fluff Festival Coin Hunt”, but the rest feel like busy work. Fortunately, it’s fun busy work and the Piantas in this area are charming as all hell.

8. Corona Mountain: Dogshit. Absolute dogshit. The level starts with a piss-easy platforming section over magma. After the halfway point, you’re forced into a small boat that’s nigh-impossible to control (especially if you got for the Blue Coins). This is one of the worst levels in any Mario game, and it continues to live on in infamy to this day.

00. Delfino Airstrip: A decent tutorial area and a cute bonus stage in the late game that makes great use of the Turbo Nozzle. I think it’s weird that collecting 100 coins here counts for Delfino Plaza, though.

In general, the levels are pretty good; even when they’re padded out with busy work, said busy work is usually fun. Hell, I even get some enjoyment out of levels that others hate, like “The Watermelon Festival”, “The Sand Bird is Born”, and “Yoshi’s Fruit Adventure” (Yoshi is adorable and the title is adorable). However, that’s when the Secret stages come in.

The “Secret” stages aren’t secrets at all, so I don’t know why they’re called that. Aside from that, they’re a bunch of linear platforming gauntlets where Shadow Mario swoops in and steals FLUDD, leaving you without a crutch to save your failed jumps. These levels are designed extremely well (except the Chuckster mission, but y’all already knew that), but the problem they all share is their settings. They take place in this surreal, cartoonish void that is entirely disconnected from the main levels, which breaks Sunshine’s otherwise fantastic sense of immersion. Going from a tropical resort to a whole other dimension is pretty distracting.

Before I start ranting, lemme cover some other points:
— The hidden Shines in Delfino Plaza are really fun, with the exceptions of the Pachinko Machine (which isn’t that bad, just irritating) and the infamous Lily Pad Ride. I hate everything about the Lily Pad Ride and I’m so glad that the game’s glitches allow me to cheese it. The way to get to it is horrifically long and boring, and the lily pad itself is damn near impossible to control.
— Yoshi feels very tacked on. He’s cute and I love him and I love that he barfs everywhere, but he feels unnecessary.

Now, let’s talk about Sunshine’s fatal flaw: the progression. One of the best things about Super Mario 64 is the level of freedom given to the player; as long as you collect 70 Power Stars, you’re good to go. It didn’t matter which Stars you collected or the order in which you collected them, you just did it and you won. That structure adds near-limitless replay value and all but guarantees that no two playthroughs will be the same. This structure was so successful that spawned its own sub-genre for 3D platformers: the Collect-a-thon.

Anyways, Super Mario Sunshine fucks all of that up.

At first glance, it looks like another Collect-a-Thon. You have to collect Shine Sprites in order to progress, which seem to be the game’s stand-in for Power Stars. You even have a counter for all the Shines you collect, just like 64. Sure, the levels are divided into episodic missions where you can only collect one Shine at a time, but on the surface, it looks as though you can pick and choose whatever Shines you want. But you can’t. You have to complete the first 7 (out of 8) missions of every level to unlock the final boss. No room for skipping levels, no room for skipping Shines that are too frustrating. Nope. Gotta do damn near everything, my G.

So what about all the extra Shines in each level? What about the ones in Delfino Plaza? Do they unlock extra worlds, or a final challenge a la Champion’s Road? Nope. They’re completely fucking useless. On top of that, all you get for 100% completion is a picture and a little sun icon on your save file. That’s it.

Well, is collecting Shines fun? Yeah, actually. I won’t deny that nabbing as many Shines as possible is fun and inherently satisfying… until you get to the Blue Coins. Holy shit. The Blue Coins are the worst aspect of this game. They tend to be hidden in really bizarre places without any indication that they’re there. They also only show up in specific missions. You also have no way of knowing which missions they’re actually in. There’s also a whopping 240 of them and every 10 coins nets you a Shine, meaning that 24 of this game’s main collectibles are obtained through this dogshit system. Oh, and since they’re not part of the main progression, that means they’re COMPLETELY FUCKING USELESS!!! I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them. Do not attempt to do 100% completion. Do not make the same mistake I did. I may have mastered Super Mario Sunshine, but at what cost? 240 Blue Coins.

Really, Sunshine’s progression system and completion requirements makes me appreciate 64 and especially Odyssey even more. Those games absolutely nail the Collect-a-Thon formula by offering legitimate freedom and ACTUALLY REWARDING YOU for obtaining 100%, whether it be reuniting with Yoshi in 64 or a true final boss in Odyssey.

But what if you just play this game like a normal person? What if you just go through the worlds, beat the missions, and defeat Bowser? Well, you’ll have an amazing time!

You see, the thing about Super Mario Sunshine is that, despite its awful progression system, when you just play it like a normal game, it’s one of the most creative and engaging games in the series. You’ve got challenging platforming, fast pacing, and stellar movement. You’ve got some surprisingly cool little storylines in each level, which make the linear progression kind of worth it just to see them unfold. You’ve got the series’ most immersive and interconnected setting to date. And you’ve got the introduction of Bowser Jr., the series’ lovable secondary antagonist.

I know I just took a massive shit all over Super Mario Sunshine, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s a fun ahh game. I legitimately enjoy most of the game’s levels and missions. Really, if the progression system and glitches were fixed, then this would be one of the greatest platformers ever made. But as it stands right now, it’s still lots of heavily flawed, summer fun. Just don’t try to go 100% it. Please don’t. As someone who’s 100%ed quite a few Mario games, this is by far the worst experience I’ve had. Play it normally, though, and you’ll have a blast, and replaying it and honing your skills will make you appreciate it even more. If this game was remade with all of its flaws ironed out, it’d be fucking outstanding.

@EldestBrisingr dude how is this your 2nd favorite Mario game over SMB3, Galaxy 1, 3D World, and Odyssey (aka Sunshine without all the issues)? Are you okay?

Oh fuck yeah, it’s Super Mario World!

I only have three problems with Super Mario World: the controls are slippery, getting hit shrinks Mario all the way down to his little form and lots of assets get reused. However, the controls are easy to get used to, you can carry an extra item at all times, and the level design itself makes up for the limited assets.

Okay, now it’s time to gush.

Super Mario World is one of the SNES’ most gorgeous games. The sprites and backgrounds are bright and colorful in a way that no other Mario game has been able to capture since. Koji Kondo’s music is insanely catchy and captures the mood of every level, which is impressive considering nearly every song uses the same melody, just with different tempos, pitches, and keys. The theme for Bowser’s Castle is my second favorite in the franchise.

Oh, the level design. There are a few stinkers (I hate that one castle where you have to break through some blocks while being accosted by Magikoopas that spawn in random places) and I prefer the faster, more diverse levels of Super Mario Bros. 3, but overall, the levels here are awesome. They’re longer than ever, filled with secret rooms and exits, and feature some very solid difficulty progression. Some highlights are the first two Yoshi’s Island levels, Donut Plains 1, Cheese Bridge Area, Chocolate Island 2, and the Sunken Ghost Ship. Mind you, those are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head; there are dozens of other awesome levels littered throughout the game.

As for power-ups, the Raccoon Leaf is replaced with the Cape Feather, a new mode of flight that’s hard to control, yet can break pretty much every level once you master it. And, of course, this game introduces YOSHI, Mario’s dinosaur sidekick who can eat enemies, stomp large obstacles, run on spikes, and be sacrificed used to clear large gaps. Future games like Yoshi’s Island and Super Mario Galaxy 2 expand on his abilities, but this is still a great start for the little guy.

Super Mario World is definitely a pure Mario game. It was clearly made with nothing but love and excitement, and I’ll never get tired of replaying it. Decades later, Super Mario World still holds up as one of the plumber’s greatest adventures.

Yoshi’s Island has great controls, an adorable art style, catchy music, and a creative combat system. It’s a great evolution of how Yoshi handled in Super Mario World.

Too bad the level design fucking sucks.

Okay, maybe sucks is a strong word, but there are definitely some awful choices scattered throughout. There’s this one level where you just sit on a slow platform that moves across lava for like 30 seconds, with a singular, completely avoidable enemy at the end. There are so many “nothing” moments like that, but that was the most egregious.

The levels also go on for FAR too long. It felt like almost all of them reached their natural conclusions about halfway through, yet just KEPT GOING for another five minutes. It’s extremely tedious, and I feel especially bad for anyone trying to get 100% completion.

Yoshi’s Island started out great, but I really soured on it as it went along. I can appreciate its graphics, mechanics, and creativity, but… the game just doesn’t know WHEN TO FUCKING END.