Star Wars Republic Commando comfortably lands in the group of games that feels well-deserving of a remake. It's got some fun moments in there but is let down both by misguided choices and the limitations of nearly two decades ago.

I want to kick things off with the good though, mainly in how the game perfectly nails that Star Wars vibe. It's to be expected from a LucasArts game, but praise especially needs to go to the core squad and the dynamic between the four of them. They're mostly serious, but the few joke lines they did send out managed to get a chuckle out of me. Even weapon sounds feel authentic, albeit some do not sound satisfying (something age hasn't been kind to).

Level design was also surprisingly solid for a game of its time. There was some repetition as was expected of a game back then, but it makes good use of laying out cover and giving you clear places to move up and slowly secure ground in various arenas. It helps reinforce a risk/reward playstyle that felt satisfying all the way through.

However, I can't say the same about the game's squad management systems. At their best, they're incredibly basic with the ability to direct them to move to a specific spot or take cover. However, the beginning of the game makes this big deal out of each of them having their own role while not properly reinforcing their strengths. The sniper isn't better at damage, the demolitions expert can't save time on bomb objectives, and the hacker doesn't save time when slicing terminals. They might take priority, but one is just as good as another. It relies entirely on their personalities and looks to form their identities which again, it nails. However, I can't help but wonder how that could've played more heavily. It often feels like so much more could be done with them which partly can be blamed on the time, but not entirely.

The difficulty scaling is also way off balance. It's mostly easy for the first two acts barring a slightly annoying final timed level. However, that third act sends the difficulty flying for a good handful of the levels. I eventually had to resort to cheesing some sections to get through them without losing my sanity. Running monster closets or forcing you to push a chokepoint with infinite enemy spawns isn't fun difficulty, it's just infuriating.

To top things off, the game can be quite buggy. I can forgive crashes since I'm trying to play a two-decade-old game on Windows 11. However, characters getting stuck on terrain and enemy/friendly AI collapsing occasionally is a little less forgiving. I even had a bug save me from more headache during the final level of Act 2 where the timed part of it seemingly stopped functioning.

I still had fun with Republic Commando at the end of the day, since good Star Wars FPS games are few and far between. I understand why people have a thing for this game, even if my feelings aren't quite as positive. I just hope someone gets the greenlight to give this game a makeover. With modern-day techniques and the right team, this could easily jump from good to excellent.

At this point in time, Nintendo was quite comfortable with starting to expand the Mario franchise as far as they could before it managed to break apart, not only throwing the portly Italian plumber into spin-off territory where he would go kart racing, puzzling around as a doctor, painting and making things, and even shooting Goombas in a face with a gun, but they would also give some of the other characters in the franchise like Yoshi and Wario time to shine in their own solo adventures as well. Hell, even Donkey Kong, a franchise that had been dormant for the past decade or so, had managed to come back big with two EXCELLENT 2D platformers that could also somewhat be considered as part of the bigger, grander Mario franchise, since he does appear as a video game champion in DKC2. So, while all of this was going on, Sega probably looked in on what they were doing one day and thought to themselves “Hey, you know what……. we should try doing that as well”, and I mean hey, why not? After all, Sonic was one of the most popular faces in gaming at the time, with him also getting his own share of mainline and spin-off titles, so it would make sense for Sega to try to branch out and give some of the other characters in the series their own games too. However, this would prove to be a very, VERY bad idea, as can be seen with the first game to do this, Tails’ Skypatrol.

This was one of the only two video games ever made in the Sonic series to primarily star Tails above all others, with Sonic and others not even making any sort of appearance in this game whatsoever, further solidifying that this was indeed Tails’ game. I myself hadn’t played it for the longest time, as I wasn’t too eager to check out any kind of Game Gear Sonic title for as long as I lived, but I was somewhat curious about what a game starring Tails over Sonic would turn out like, and as I played more and more of these Master System/Game Gear Sonic games overtime, that interest only grew further. So, I eventually decided to give it a shot a few years back, and whaddya know, the game turned out to be a HOT LOAD OF BUM. Yeah, I ain’t gonna beat around the bush, cause this game fucking sucks, with it having some unique ideas for the Sonic franchise that could’ve worked out in theory, but instead, it makes the game crash and burn right into a canyon with no hopes of ever resurfacing to gain some kind of former glory.

The story is… basically the exact same as your typical Sonic game with some names changed around, where the evil Witchcart is turning all of the inhabitants of a peaceful, tropical island into crystals with her dark magic, so it is up to Tails to set out on a journey to stop her once and for all, which is about as simple of a plot that you could expect from a Tails game, and it’s also pretty forgettable as well, because who the fuck actually remembers Witchcart? The graphics are alright, once again looking like every single other Sonic game ever made on the Game Gear, but it at least still looks pleasant enough throughout the entire game, the music is whatever, with every track sounding very similar, with none of the music standing out as memorable or likable whatsoever, and the gameplay/controls are extremely annoying, despite at first seeming like a decent time, before then derailing and becoming a miserable experience.

The game is… some kind of horizontal shmup but not really, where you take control of Tails, go through a set of five different areas, each with plenty of different obstacles to take on and sights to see, defeat plenty of enemies while maneuvering yourself around the many obstacles that you will come into contact with, whether by using your trusty tether ring or otherwise, gather plenty of items to assist you along the way by filling up your flight meter, or just for giving you extra points, and take on plenty of bosses that will do a great job at making you want to rip your hair out and throw the game right into the trash……. or at least, you would if you weren’t definitely playing this on a collection rather then the actual cartridge……. don’t lie, we all know you are doing that. If you were to approach the game as something you could mess around with for a good couple minutes or so, it is fine enough to play, and you can definitely get enough out of it to where you know exactly what this game was going to offer at every turn, but if you do what I did and actually beat the game, then you will hate Tails until the day you die.

If I had to narrow down all of my issues with this game into one or two things as to why I don’t like it at all, it would be due to the way the game plays and what you have to deal with because of it. Like with any scrolling shooter, Tails will constantly be moving at all times, with you being able to control the speed of your flight, while flying through and past plenty of different obstacles. That in itself may seem like a fine enough concept for a game, but the problem comes from how goddamn frail Tails is in general. If you touch any kind of obstacle most of the time, whether it be an actual enemy, a wall, or even the fucking ground, you will die, and given how fast you can be moving, that will most likely happen for 90% of your playthrough. This is especially irritating due to the fact that, since this is a Game Gear title, you can barely see anything around you while you are flying through these levels, so whenever you eventually do latch your ring onto anything to speed through to another section, chances are you are gonna most likely run into something you couldn’t see coming at first, and OOPS, TAILS IS DEAD NOW! How did that happen, I fucking wonder? Not to mention, the ring itself that you use isn’t that much help when it comes to fighting foes, as it can be pretty hard trying to aim the thing and throw it at enemies, making it so that I spent way more time on several bosses then I would’ve liked to, just because I couldn’t get this stupid-ass ring to function properly.

What also doesn’t help make this any better whatsoever is the level design, which makes playing through these levels an absolute nightmare. Unlike most scrolling shooters, where it primarily focuses on you defeating as many enemies as possible, this one primarily focuses on you maneuvering through these levels using whatever means necessary, such as the ring you are holding, and while some of the stages are manageable when it comes to this, it certainly doesn’t get any easier the further you keep going. The final level is a perfect example of what I mean by this, because I swear it was designed to make sure that you do not succeed whatsoever. On top of all the usual shit that you have to deal with, such as enemies, hitting switches, and getting mint candies to make sure your flying meter doesn’t get drained, there is this one section where you have to fly through a bunch of these orange spheres that are constantly appearing all over the place, and if you aren’t going as fast as possible through this part, while also having the best aim known to mankind with your ring, YOU WILL DIE. I swear, it took way too long for me to get through this section, dying like 15-30 times, all because I just wasn’t going at the perfect speed that the game wanted me to go at.

Now, like I said earlier, the game as a whole isn’t completely bad. If you were to just give it a shot for, say, the first two levels or so, you could find it a bit bothersome, but still have enough fun with it to where you could leave it feeling good about what you just played. Not to mention, the game does have unlimited continues, so even if you do manage to fuck up and have to go back to the beginning of the stage, you are never in any danger of being sent back to the beginning. However, for me, none of that excuses how precise and perfect you have to be in order to beat the game, and how horribly designed it is overall, making a game that is much more irritating and annoying to play through more than anything else, which ultimately kills it for me……… even more so than how many times Tails has been killed, the poor guy.

Overall, despite its alright presentation and interesting concept, Tails’ Skypatrol manages to just be an incredibly annoying and unsatisfying experience that ultimately left me drained by the end rather then fulfilled, being unnecessarily frustrating to control and horribly designed, making for one of the worst Sonic Game Gear games, or let alone Game Gear games in general, that I have ever played. I would only recommend it for those who are huge Sonic fans, specifically Tails fans, but only to try out for a little bit, because again, actually trying to play through the whole thing is not worth it whatsoever, and you will feel sorry that you tried doing so as a result. It’s alright though, because hey, Tails would get his chance to shine again in another game later down the road, and in that one, you become an explosive terrorist! That’s always a wonderful time, especially when it has cute characters doing said explosive terrorism!

Game #603

Beautiful railroading.

Hellblade II reminds me of Evolve. It really shouldn't. The games are nothing alike. Nearly a decade removed from one another, they don't share any gameplay similarities. They aren't made to appeal to similar audiences. Their only visual similarity is... "dark." But the comparison between the two is far more pervasive than any of those traits though. Simply put, I heard about both games way too much before they finally came out.

Part of Hellblade's appeal was surprise. Not to belittle the accomplishments of that game, but the package was really complete because each moment was an unexpected treat--a testament to big things in small packages. It was a new IP doing unique and exciting things. Hellblade II is almost the opposite: a 6-hour movie stuffed with more of the same. Gorgeous simplicity polished to a safe, market-researched, and replicable sheen.

To be fair, there's a notable amount to love here that's done extremely well. Hellblade II features a full cast joining Senua brought to life by killer performances across the board. The audio design is second to none and the visuals throughout made me feel like I was less playing a video game and more watching some kind of 4K tech demo for high-end TVs. All good stuff. But man, that is not why I play video games. None of that will stick with me. The game is shockingly simple. Most of my playtime was spent slowly walking forward (there's a toggle sprint option in settings; retweet to save a life). There are a handful of combat instances that look insane but are extremely rudimentary. I figured out in the second combat sequence that there are very few reasons to ever use the heavy attack. Spam light attack, dodge/block, activate #SenuaMode, and move on.

I would be remiss to not mention the valid critique of both Hellblade titles falling prey to the "magical disabled person" trope but dude. It is it in full force in Hellblade II. Whereas the first title felt earnest if a bit flawed in its attempt to emulate and respectfully consider psychosis, Hellblade II swings wildly between presenting Senua's struggle as either not affecting her at all and it serving as a superhuman ability making her the only one who can heal the world of its darkness. It's messy and ultimately pointless this time around.

Hellblade II was initially announced and marketed as a launch title for the Xbox Series consoles which came out about 3.5 years ago at the time of this writing. I know art is never as simple as "more time = better thing" but as someone trying to figure out what good is coming of Microsoft gobbling up all these developers, I'm still left wondering. We're waiting longer for fewer, less interesting games.

It kinda strikes me as endearing how completely off-script of a parody this is when juxtaposed with the actual Myst. Like, yeah, it's a parody of the game and uses its assets to poke fun at the fantastical whimsy of a techno-fantasy island, but it seems like the creators of this game saw fit to jam in the firey angst present in any amount of 90's alternative mindset or media aimed directly at mass media and out-of-touch establishments. The initially pristine island turned into a kaleidoscope of trash and marketing, almost entirely wrung into utilitarian capitalist mayhem, voices from the filthy mass of posters and derelict trailers. It's absolutely poor-taste in points though, a level of deep-seated misanthropy cast to all sides- I particularly didn't like the king character, played by John Goodman, and his one bit for the game's ending. Beyond it and many a poop joke, it's 15 minutes of gameplay where most of it is reading out posters and listening to audio.

It feels as though, by nature of its manufacturing as a CD-ROM and thus its contribution to the wider megapile of computer game diaspora, its existence almost necessarily plays out in such a way that feels more warranted and tasteful than the stuff that Newgrounds and such would call parody in its wake. Whether it's enough is another story, but I can tell its creation was not in total, unequivocable hatred for the game despite the literal trash made out of it. There is something else to be said beyond that Myst as a concept is silly, and for that I think it's somewhat of a league more respectable than the stuff born purely out of cynicism and nothing else.

Taken on its own, the idea of the beautiful, quiet, mysterious MYST island eventually falling into disrepair and becoming overwhelmed by littering and graffiti as millions of visitors (gamers) trample through and fiddle with the puzzles over and over for years like it's a Disneyland attraction IS actually kind of intriguing and COULD POSSIBLY support a well-made parody game. Unfortunately, this game 1) isn't funny, and 2) isn't actually a game at all, really - just a mildly interactive slideshow. (And yes, smartass, technically, so is MYST. Shutup.)

So, you don't actually wander around and explore or anything. You're presented with a series of postcards from the island (just screenshots from the original game with crap drawn over the top of them) and you click around on them and hear a couple little skits and see a couple dumb animations on each. Eventually you tab through them all and that's it. The humor is mostly goofy voices/sound effects and dumb '90s schtick so ... yeah, nothing beyond incredibly dated dad jokes, basically. Topless John Goodman in a crown is probably the most noteworthy thing here, so uh, yeah. There you go.

The best adjective I can find to describe this game is "ass". It's awkward, unpleasantly trial-and-error-y, basically unplayable without save-states, and the extremely difficult tank-control-based combat is just really unfun and it's very easy to get soft-locked by it.

That said, despite all this ass-ness, I kinda love this game and its sheer ambition. It's incredible-looking for the times, and leans in super hard in trying to be as cinematic as possible, but like, less in a last-of-us-boring-prestige-way and more in a "We want to be a 90s direct-to-video action movie for some reason".

The action flows from setpiece to setpiece seamlessly, streamlining the Resident Evil formulas in ways that sometimes feel a bit ill-advised but are still quite interesting and unique (I love things that are Interesting!), and the FMVs cutscenes that punctuate the action are full of impressively animated gore, implied nudity and cheesy one-liners.

Disc 4 is the, slower, more meaty survival horror part of the game, and while there's a lot to like there too (the surreal vibes of that final segment in part reminded me of Sanitarium), I will forever hate the video game thing of ending games with big mechanically complex sections. I always kinda just want the ending bit to be as smooth as possible. But maybe that's just me.

But yeah, regardless, I enjoyed this a lot. Honestly, once you learn to save state constantly and to accept that every 10 to 15 minutes there will be some absolutely infuriating bit, this game rules. It's glorious ambitious earnest shlock in a very specific combination that you kinda don't see anymore in games.

Replayed for the nostalgia and found the presentation still remarkably effective even when the scares themselves veer toward silly. Horror potential peaked in the early 2000s when grainy digital footage could be combined with the anonymous wild west internet. Now there's too much HD, too many real identities and centralized to too few sites for urban legends to take off and get under your skin the same way. This doesn't actually pass itself off as anything but fiction but the aesthetic, being seemingly made of real modified photos, sets it parallel to found-footage and epistolary horror.

A bit disappointingly amateurish besides the presentation though. The main puzzle is both overly cryptic and easily brute-forced, the story is told through three insanely verbose and blunt text dumps rather than conveyed more organically in smaller pieces, and by the end it leaves no room for the ambiguity that can give horror a "still thinking about it at 3am" kind of half-life.

Still, for a 20-year-old free bit of Flash web design I got my investment's worth of spooks.