i came into this game with two things: a functioning knowledge of all the major plot twists in the game and very low expectations. neither prevented me from having a blast and enjoying myself. rockstar sat down and made a grounded and realistic GTA story with realistic and relatable characters that i can feel pathos for. having played previous GTA games, that is something i wasn't convinced they would ever do. i have my share of issues with the way some characters are handled (i.e. kate), but on the whole, i find the story of this game to be its best aspect.

for me, my enjoyment with this game begins and ends with Niko. Niko is by far the most interesting main character in a game that i've played in a long time, and i was invested in his character arc and narrative from beginning to end. i really adore how the game gives you so much to work with in regards to his character. rather than just being told "Niko is a traumatized man who is haunted by his past and finds it difficult to connect with people", you actually get to experience it first hand. Niko is awkward on dates and the women he dates tend to not value him as a person, more as an idea. when he opens up to them, they (typically) disregard his feelings. when talking to his friends, Niko will often say that he needs to distract himself from his intrusive thoughts or negative feelings. hell, this even extends to his combat dialogue. whereas Tommy or CJ would say snappy one liners or something stereotypically cool in combat, Niko just shouts shit like "PUSH ME, PUSH ME" and "I'LL TEAR YOUR FUCKING HEART OUT". he's clearly unstable and has an unhealthy relationship with violence. this is a character that feels like a living and breathing person with complicated feelings and emotions.

on the gameplay side of things, i enjoyed myself quite a bit too. the vehicle physics take a while to get used to, but now that i've sunk an ungodly amount of time into this game, i can say that they feel pretty natural now. i almost can't even imagine what older GTA games felt like at this point. the online multiplayer is fun too, for as active as it is in 2020. i feel genuine regret in never having the chance to play some of these modes with a more active userbase, because i had a lot of fun with the nearly dead one that i did play with.

the mission structure is fairly standard if you've played a rockstar game. there are some standout missions and some less than stellar ones as well, but overall there's nothing exceptionally shitty, which is another thing i'd never expect to be able to say about a rockstar game. i will say that i don't adore the abundance of chasing missions, because the rubberbanding on the AI always being just a little bit faster than you is apparent, but that's something i take as a necessary evil to keep a game like this exciting.

however, i do have problems with this game, two major ones. the first is that there's virtually nothing to use money on in this game, both online and offline. in San Andreas, you had so much more to do and work with in terms of buying property, clothing, hair styles, tattooing, etc. meanwhile here, you have next to no clothing shops and basically nothing to spend money on besides weapons and taxi fares. i've felt every GTA game has a major problem with "there's never anything good to spend money on" in GTA games, and this one has it arguably the worst out of all of them.

the second problem is honestly more damning for me: GTA IV hates me and people like me. if i was writing a polygon/kotaku/etc. esque article about GTA IV, i would title it something to the effect of "This Game That Includes Homophobia Is Really Good Once You Get Past The Homophobia". within the first five minutes, you hear someone say "you're a fag". the only named gay character you can do missions for is called a fag by Niko in his very first mission, and then later by another NPC. every single gay character shown in the game in meaningful capacity is either a repressed closet case or a flamer who might as well have the words "stereotypical effeminate faggot" tattooed on his head. and that's not even getting into the ways in which this game seems to adore using the t slur and referencing transphobia/misogyny like it's an auto-laugh thing. i don't have a problem with games having slurs in them if there's a point to it. none of the gay men in GTA IV are good representations of what it means to be gay, and instead are just caricatures meant to elicit laughs from those who see people like me as "others". it fucking sucks.

it's difficult for me to rationalize liking and enjoying this game when i consistently feel like my personhood is a joke to rockstar. i get that 2008 was 12 years ago, but that's simultaneously not that long ago. there were several points where i wanted to give this a shit score on principle, because it's reductive and makes me feel shitty. i guess i'm in this place where like, i simultaneously think this game fucking sucks, but also i greatly enjoy it and have fond memories of my time with it. it's this compartmentalization that you have to go through with some media. it's a little weird, but what can you do?

the vibe is the best radio station in the game btw.

Decent game, nice atmosphere like REmake, more lore. FUCK THAT HOOKSHOT THO, AND FUCK THE IDEA OF NO ITEM BOX IN GENERAL. Otherwise it's a fine survival horror game, also geez those monkeys...

Got Rank D, oh well

Dolphin has a big boob Rebecca cheat, how based :)

"The colors feel so right
I've never felt like this
I'll keep on running

Sonic Colors has a uniquely fascinating place in the Sonic franchise. what was once praised as finally being a good Sonic game after a rocky decade is now lambasted as the point of no return for the "Meta era" (whatever that means). in this uniquely divisive franchise, Colors occupies an even more controversial place than other games. but what remains of Colors, over a decade later? well, I think it's pretty good!

the most jarring thing about Sonic Colors is its simplicity. if Mario attempted to be more grand when going to space, Sonic did the opposite, and honestly I think it was needed. only one playable characters, only one play style, just pure Sonic platforming. and it's done quite well imo. not every stage is an absolute banger, but the levels are fun enough without being too or too short. they're imo the perfect length for this game. and the level design in of itself is pretty good, nothing wild but very solid across the board. there aren't any bad levels I would say, and it's strange to say but with 6 acts per zone, they really get their mileage out of every idea without feeling like it's stretching or padding things out. the wisps are all pretty fun to use and they get used in creative and interesting ways. the game is pretty easy but I still felt somewhat challenged, especially when I tried to go for S ranks (which I got a whopping total of 5 across the entire game) or to get the red rings scattered all over the stages. I know not everyone is a fan of Colors' levels but I had a lot of fun with them.

the biggest thing this game gets flagged for, besides the level design is the story, and well... it's a Saturday morning cartoon. it's not great but it's inoffensive. there's nothing outwardly bad, it just feels very childish which I can understand why it'll turn off people, especially after Secret Rings, Unleashed and Black Knight which felt more mature in comparaison (well they're still Sonic games lol it's not like Taxi Driver or something). it's very low stakes and lighthearted, even at the climax, which while it doesn't really work for me, feels also like I'm not the target audience and it's instead going for small children, which I don't mind. you need something for everyone after all. the copyright law line is very out of pocket but I like it. I honestly don't get why everyone is so heated about the story, acting like it ruined Sonic when it's just going for something different. I like the focus on just Sonic and Tails, it's something we haven't had for a long time at that point.

the best thing about the game without a doubt is the presentation. obviously, the music is incredible, which like duh it's Sonic, but it's especially fantastic here. top 5 OSTs in the series without a doubt. but I want to bring particular attention to the graphics and art direction, which is absolutely wonderful. it looks amazing to this day, and it's wild they were able to make this on the Wii while running great, only dipping at certain intensive momentf like when using Frenzy. all of the planets are beautiful, colorful and full of life. honestly one of the best looking Sonic games right after Unleashed for me. it's all absolutely magical and gorgeous, even with the blurry Wii resolution and the fact it's running on basically slightly modified GameCube hardware.

overall, I'd say Sonic Colors is a pretty good game. not much more than that. it came at the perfect time when Sonic needed something more simple and down to Earth (get it? cause they're in space), and while I understand how it's not for everyone, I think people are still unfairly harsh to it. calling Sonic Colors "not ambitious" is both reductive and just not true, because it's obviously trying something new for the series. just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's unambitious. Sonic Colors is good, and I like it.

"I'm gonna reach for the stars
Although they look pretty far
I'm gonna find my own way
And take a chance on today"

Against my introverted self's better judgment, a week or so ago I went to a dinner party hosted by a good friend. I arrived a little late, and by the time I walked in, everyone was crowded around the TV playing Puyo Puyo against each other. "Yo Iyellatcloud!" someone calls out. "Have you played Puyo Puyo before?"

"No," I say. "But I've played Mean Bean Machine..."

"I don't know what that is. But you should try playing Puyo!" A controller is thrust into my hand, and 30 seconds later I've hit a 4-hit combo and won. (and then everybody clapped...) Everyone takes turns trying to challenge me, and the closest I come to losing is when the most experienced Puyo player dumps junk all over half my playing area, but I manage to calmly clear it all and pull off the comeback.

"I don't get it!" she says. "How are you kicking everyone's ass if you've never played Puyo before?"
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At this point I'd like to take a detour to rank the opponents in Dr Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine in ascending order of punchability.

- Grounder (Stage 8): My favorite badnik from AoStH because of his Inspector Gadget powers, it's kinda hard to dislike his goofy voice. He even cries when he loses, the poor thing.
- Arms (Stage 1): The mandatory easy first opponent, he looks like a chill fella; I'd have a beer with him.
- Humpty (Stage 3): Another slightly adorable little doof.
- Coconuts (Stage 4): His "winning" face is kinda annoying, he might rank higher on this list if not for the fact that you won't see it much because his AI is a joke.
- Sir Ffuzzy-Logik (Stage 10): Not particularly likeable, not particularly punchable; kinda generic.
- Frankly (Stage 2): Very annoying and punchable "winning" face... and it only gets worse from here.
- Davy Sprocket (Stage 5): Frankly v2.0. Never trust anyone who smiles that much.
- Spike (Stage 9): Augh, what a snot nose. He looks like the stereotypical fat bratty kid that bullies the protagonist in every children's book/movie.
- Dr Robotnik (Stage 13): The big man himself. Not quite S-tier levels of annoying, but when he starts winning his moustache takes on a life of its own and it gets really distracting flipping up and down. His "HUAHUAHUAHUA" when you lose against him is worth some extra points on its own.
- Dynamight (Stage 7) - The most shit-eating "winning" face on this list so far.
- Dragon Breath (Stage 11) - Now we're entering the S-tier of punchability. This prick looks more like a pig than a dragon, and his "winning" face looks... perverted. He looks like he's ogling at girl dragonpigs while he's beating you at Puyo and it's utterly infuriating.
- Scratch (Stage 12) - "I'm winning this one by fair means or fowl." How apt that his entire thing is chicken-related puns because this guy is a gigantic cock. Puts on an extremely skeevy smirk when he's in the lead - real "you can't touch me, do you know who my dad is?" vibes here. Also, he has teeth. WHY DOES A CHICKEN HAVE TEETH
- Skweel (Stage 6) - The champion, nay, Grand Master of Punchability. This damn cylindrical purple pig on wheels already has the most aggravating smile, but when he's in the lead he starts swinging back and forth like a giant purple dick. Can you imagine trying to focus on the falling-block puzzle with this self-satisfied pig face is flopping back and forth in your peripheral vision?
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Ahem, back to the story.

"I keep winning," I tell my friend, "Because you honed your skills against cutesy anime characters, and I honed mine against a giant swinging purple dildo." Well, I didn't say that because it would have led to more questions than answers, but that just added to my mystique.

Mean Bean Machine is essentially nothing more than a Puyo Puyo reskin, but through its wonderfully expressive and smug smarmy character designs it manages to be a far better teacher than Puyo Puyo, by harnessing the power of hatred. Back when I was in middle school and before I could buy alcohol, there was nothing more addictive than finally wiping the bloody smirk off each opponent's face, and I trained tirelessly to that end. It's been many years since I last touched Mean Bean Machine, but I can still beat most people at Puyo Puyo, and a quick playthrough has shown that I can still beat Easy and Normal modes within 1-3 credits. The principles of planning ahead and setting up good combo strings have been seared into my subconscious by the sweaty pigdragon perv.

Thank you, Dr Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine, for giving me an extremely niche life skill and briefly making me a celebrity. All it cost me was some longstanding unresolved anger issues.