Splatoon being Nintendo's newest IP and quickly rising to A-tier franchise within the company was a sight to behold from someone who picked up 1 at launch on Wii U. I remember Splatoon 1 being the first game I tried making YouTube content for as a kid, and it's also the only game to this day that has ever gotten me so angry I broke the controller. I was an A+ player in 1 and an S+ across the board in 2, and as of writing this, I am A+ in 3. Having 100%-ed the story mode and dumped nearly 50 hours in the game already, I feel confident and qualified in reviewing it as of now.

Is Splatoon 3 the best in the series? ...Eeeeeeeeeeh. I mean, once they add all the old weapons from 1 and 2 into the game then it will be by default. As soon as I get an Octobrush with Squid Beakon, pack it up. The best change they've made is easily the new ranking system. Instead of judging players based on wins and losses, now you are primarily judged by performance, with losses still being a factor, but now acting as more of a roadblock from achieving good performances. In the old games, it didn't matter how good you were: if your team was shit, then you were shit, and you were punished for it. No longer will you be fucked because some jackoff unironically brought a Nozzlenose into an A-rank game, so long as you do things for the team like racking up kills, throwing ink everywhere, and playing the objective. The one major criticism I have for this new system is that it does honestly feel a little too easy to rank up now. Sure, ranking up in the last two games was like pulling teeth, but that process made getting it all the more special and exclusive. Now it feels like if you just play the game long enough, S-rank will be given rather than earned, and therefore there will be more S-rankers than before, lessening its merit. Also, there is no reason to ever do a single Ranked game when a Series (5 wins-3 losses) is objectively a better earner.

The campaign is in this strange limbo. On one hand, it has the benefit of following up Splatoon 2's main campaign, which is the weakest in the series. On the other hand, it has the misfortune of following up Octo Expansion, the best campaign in the series. Ranking all four campaigns, I'd say this is the third-best, behind 1's freshness and Octo's overall quality and endgame. Modeling the campaign around Octo's format instead of the typical campaign structure was beneficial, although it does lack Octo's variety in missions. A lot of them are just typical A-to-B levels with a twist or two. I really liked the super unique levels like the maze and time trials. I wish the devs wouldn't beholden themselves so much to combat and make more levels based on platforming. Also pro tip: you do not need to do every weapon on every mission to unlock the secret final level. I wish I knew that before I tried to apply logic to a Japanese-developed video game. The endgame has a lot of buildup but just doesn't compare to the unexpected knock-your-socks-off climax of Splatoon 1's campaign or the heart-pounding race-against-time of Octo's endgame. Fighting Agent 3 in Octo remains the best moment in Splatoon's campaign history. 3 tries to setup this big reveal that would've been a big surprise if they didn't tell me who the final boss was halfway through the game. Also, while Deep Cut being antagonists at first is a welcome change of pace, they're ironically the least developed idols so far. To be fair, the same could be said about Pearl and Marina before Octo, but 3's campaign would've benefited greatly from Deep Cut hijacking audio calls from Callie and Marie and belittling the player as they play, give them a little spice. The endgame was pretty cool albeit predictable, and doesn't hold a candle to Octo's ending. The lore is certainly the most interesting to learn about thus far, though.

Gameplay wise, it's Splatoon alright. The QoL changes are great: we can practice with weapons in a lobby instead of just staring at a matchmaking screen, the load times are faster, we can tour maps, Salmon Run is permanently always active, (Salmon Run is also better now thanks to egg throwing and raid bosses) the new movement mechanics, while definitely nice to have, I found incredibly situational, especially the roll. Tableturf is a fun minigame but it won't hold your attention for more than a day (I would play it as a party game IRL though). Lockers are a neat idea but ultimately pointless to me because why should I give a fuck about a digital rectangle with decorations that does nothing but sit there and look nice? Everyone already just puts a Moai head with a pointed gun anyways. I would also love to tell you about Tricolor battles, but not only are they locked behind Splatfests, they're also locked behind a 2% rarity of occurrence, so fuck all of us, I guess.

I want to parrot that this is easily the best Splatoon so badly, but it's got two major problems that need to be addressed ASAP. One, the lack of new content in the multiplayer is a glaring omission. Not having League Ranked Battles and X rank at launch is just retarded, literally what's stopping them? Having no new ranked modes is a big problem too, considering Rainmaker has not been taken out back and put down with a shotgun (if Rainmaker is on Series rotation I straight up just don't play Ranked for two hours). But the biggest problem is one seen too often with Nintendo: their online is not good. Only this time, it's worse than just "not good." Splatoon has never had immaculate netcode, what with instances of phantom ink, player speed, and ghost shots from days of old. But 3 tops them all when it comes to one thing: connection. Splatoon 3 has some of the worst connection issues of a modern Nintendo game I've ever seen. MOST of the time I can play with little to no issue, but the amount of times I've already seen disconnected games has likely already eclipsed the combined disconnects I played in 1 and 2. To their credit, if it happens to another player early in the match, it ends the game right then and there to prevent lopsided steamrolls, but I've seen it happen to so many players in one game so often that it can't just be a rage quit off rip. A couple of times, I was assigned a loss in Series Ranked when I got disconnected for no reason, and any game that punishes its players for having bad netcode should be trashed yesterday.

This was my most anticipated game of the year when it was announced, and I really wish the local competitive scene would take off for it like Smash did. Splatoon is still great, but I'm disappointed to see that this sequel that should've built off 2 and Octo's foundation feels like a $30 expansion pack that costs $60. The upcoming "large-scale" DLC for it better come with NSO is all I'm saying.

I really tried, man. But the old Sonic games just aren't that good. Granted, this is the only one of the OG trilogy I played without the Drop Dash, which 2D Sonic clearly needs in order to be good, but this game is commonly heralded as the best 2D Sonic ever, so I thought maybe this is the one where Sonic Team had it all figured out.

The graphical overhaul is great, and Sonic is much more expressive now, but the MUSIC. Getting one of the greatest musicians of all time on your soundtrack just automatically reserves you a throne in heaven. Ice Cap is one of the greatest tracks in any game, period.

That being said, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck this level design. Punishes you for going fast with enemies and traps, a few too many one-hit kill scenarios, and horribly unbalanced bosses.

Angel Island > Ice Cap > Hydrocity >>> Carnival Night > Launch Base >>>>>>>>>> Marble Garden

Some of these levels go on for too long and the nonstop punishment from unforeseen enemy and trap placement kills any desire to go fast, which by Sonic standards should be a week in the thumbscrews. For the first time ever, I got killed by the time limit because certain levels just go on forever (although the more I think about it, why is there even a time limit in the first place?) You'd think the new elemental shields and their unique abilities would've encouraged more combat, but thanks to enemies either having an unfair position or are just unfairly designed with stupid hitboxes, the shields' mechanics are basically worthless.

Have yet to play "& Knuckles," but we've definitely gone backwards in terms of 2D Sonic here.

As a hardcore Dragon Maid fan, this was disappointing. It's an ok bullet hell but unless you're a big Dragon Maid fan, it's not worth forty fuckin' dollars. $20 at most. It's replay value thrives on playing stages over and over to grab random collectible drops, the cool ones being pieces of Dragon Maid illustrations from the manga, but even that becomes less worth it as repetition sets in.

I only got this because I fuckin' love Coolkyousinnjya, and having a game with his artwork on the cover is nice, but do not get this game unless you see it for at most $20.

Would be a fun Puyo Puyo skin game if it weren't for the fact that there is no defensive counterplay. When trash Puyos are sent your way you can't do matches to lessen the load, only attack your opponent, meaning that your combo has to either be godlike or you have to match anything as fast as possible to stop your opponent's attack from stacking onto itself. Lololo and Lalala are fucking impossible to beat.

Hearing the voice lines for the character names and seeing Kirby talk even in speech bubbles is amusing. Who knew Kirby was such an asshole?

>Call yourselves "Player First Games"
>Make the grind for characters a daily hassle and charge $20 for skins
>Make it so that playing in friend lobbies nets you no XP

This is Nick All-Star Brawl but even worse. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills when I play this game, feel how awful it is, and so many people online say it's good.

Hitboxes are beyond fucked, the balancing is blatantly awful, the free-to-play grind is obnoxious, and the perk system is the most retarded shit they could've put in this game. Why in the living hell would you add a perk system to a fighting game? Have fun going online and getting matched up with people that can just straight up play the game better than you regardless of skill level. Yeah of course you outplayed me, you have a perk that gives you an extra jump when you hit me in the air and you play an aerial combo-focused character. The 2v2 is the only fun way to play this game and even then I've never played a single 2v2 that was more fun than any doubles game I played in Ultimate. Fuck, I've played Smash 64 doubles more fun than this.

I wanted this to be good, man. I really tried. But this is one of the worst Smash clones I've ever played. No cap, BrawlOut was better.

Music and stages are surprisingly decent, but everything else is either subpar or buggy. Items are bland and unoriginal Mario Kart rip-offs, the superpower mechanic is broken (I M Weasel literally auto-steers with a speed boost) and the controls aren't quite right. Drafting doesn't work most of the time and there's no actual drift boosting system, just one where you make sharp turns while losing speed. Minigames are dull and the controls for them suck, and oh boy, I love watching hyper compressed cartoon mp4s on the DS.

Hey y’all, I’m on vacation, so I guess I’ll make it a habit to play Cartoon Network games while on vacation.

Adventure Time used to be my favorite cartoon when I was a kid, and was the first story that really showed kid me the power of long-form storytelling and consistent emotional storytelling. Sadly, as I grew older and after creator Pendleton Ward left the show, the show slowly drowned in mediocrity, piling on lore dump after lore dump and new character after new character instead of fleshing out their existing story and characters. They made Bubblegum and Jake unlikable, put Finn through an unnecessary amount of emotional suffering for no reason, and after the whole “Fern” thing I dropped the show. Maybe I’ll rewatch the show and finish it properly one day, but considering shit like Distant Lands, the show may never truly end.

Anyways, the game is in this awkward position of trying to channel the immature and childish energy of the first couple seasons despite containing characters from the later better seasons like Flame Princess, and treating Ice King like a goofy villain instead of the understandably tragic villain he should be by this point. Marceline especially is the most out of character, treating Ice King with contempt rather than sympathy. As far as the story itself, it plays like one big season one episode, where Ice King does something inconvenient and therefore evil, and Finn and Jake gotta stop him and help random denizens along the way. Basic but inoffensive, save for some cringeworthy dialogue.

HIKWYSOG (holy shit why did they name it that) is a Zelda 2 clone by WayForward. As a kid, this was one of my all time favorite games, but with the benefit of having actual taste now as an adult, this game is just good. Not great, just good. The best part is the presentation. WayForward went to great lengths recreating the Land of Ooo in 2D sidescrolling Zelda 2 fashion. The backgrounds and overworld are great, the sprite work is incredible, and especially the music is surprisingly good. Jake Kaufman didn’t have to go so hard on that cloud level song but he did.

Finn and Jake control well enough, nothing feels bad, although Jake has this long punch that’s utterly useless as soon as you get your sword. Combat is alright, the sound effects are swooshy and pretty satisfying, though the knockback is annoying, especially on vertical stages. Enemies are basic, nothing unique or challenging: just throw yourself at them until they die. Level design is okay, it’s kinda metroidvania-y in that you return to certain areas later with new traversal powers. The shield is underwhelming but the glide and rolling across water is a lot of fun.

The biggest issues with the game are items, backtracking, and progression. First off, there’s no money; it’s an exclusive item economy. Enemies will drop healing or buffing items and you can hold like 50 items. By the end of the first hour I had long since filled my inventory and needed to toss low level food items just to make room. I was able to throw myself at enemies and bosses alike with no fear of death because anytime I’d get low, I’d just consume. I never ran risk of running out once. And buffing items? I’d use every once in a while, but I felt most were unnecessary. More damage? I already kill most enemies in a second. Invincibility? I got healing items, thanks. Speed? I used a couple of those if only to make the backtracking less tedious. The game is one big series of fetch quests, and it gets too same-y too fast. You unlock some shortcuts, but there’s no fast travel and your map is low detail as fuck. Backtracking would be more bearable if combat leveled you up a la Zelda 2… but it doesn’t. You level up by finding the twelve hidden stars that permanently increase stats one increment at a time. So why exactly should I get into combat if combat gives me nothing useful after the first hour? The enemies are easy to avoid so I just swerved past them all. Bosses are okay, none really challenging or complex, but their music goes hard. Marceline gets her own vocal track, Ice King’s boss fight is a remix of the main theme (a vocal track that also rocks) and the secret final boss has a goddamn Cristina Vee Shantae vocal track like c’mon dude why’s the soundtrack so good?

HIKWYSOG is a serviceable and slightly memorable romp you can take for a few hours, but I don’t think I’ll return to it outside the soundtrack. It’s great for a licensed game, but that bar’s as low as Adventure Time’s episode count is high. Especially when we get to the next WayForward Adventure Time game…

A mediocre and ultimately basic metroidvania. The most original idea is killing your past zombified self to reclaim your weapons and power-ups... which I wouldn't know about since I beat the whole game without dying once. Scattering 50 collectibles around the map only for them to award you nothing is literally just padding. Having knockback be a thing you need a power-up to turn off is silly sauce, as it causes some of the vertical platforming to be a chore. Backtracking is a pain because the fast travel points are too few and far between. There's also some slowdown which is unacceptable, even for a Switch version. Lastly, the game doesn't autosave before the final boss, meaning if your last save was from an hour ago and you beat the final boss, it takes you to your last save after the credits. That's a whole point docked what the actual fuck were they thinking.

All that said, everything else is standard Metroid affair. Story is basic, enemies are fine, weapons are good, controls are mostly tight, music is forgettable, level design is competent, and the bosses are a little too tanky. This game is basically Super Metroid but with a different coat of paint and not as polished or expansive. Honestly, the most impressive thing about this game is that it exists at all. A licensed movie game from 2017 based on a movie no one remembers made by fucking WayForward. I guess that Universal Comcast money was just too good to pass up.

My buddy is on a quest to play every mainline Mario Kart and rank their courses against each other, so I decided to join him on this adventure.

Mario Kart 64 is one of those games that's best played at parties where alcohol is flowing and no one has to drive anywhere for hours, because the controls of this game handle like a drunk driver. The drifting is so sensitive, I only ever found it useful on tracks with wide open turns. Attempting to drift on narrow, hairpin turns will magnetize you to the nearest wall/edge. And because someone at Nintendo hates fun, they decided that if you steer too hard in one direction or attempt to change steering directions too fast, you'll spin yourself out, because that's totally fitting for an arcade racer.

It's not just the karts that are working against the player, the items are, too. The items are straight up unfinished; their programming was completed 50% and Nintendo shipped the game yesterday. Sometimes red shells will chase your target to the ends of the earth [SHOOOOCKEEEEEEEER!] and sometimes they'll decide existence is pain and end their own lives against the nearest wall a foot from where you shot it. Sometimes a banana peel will slip you up as normal, sometimes it'll maintain your momentum and slow you down for a second before returning to your top speed. During our playthrough of all four cups, I straight up out sped my own green shell and hit myself with it. And this isn't even to mention how wonky the physics can be sometimes, how picky it can be with what constitutes out of bounds or not, the CPUs that straight up cheat with their rubberbanding, and the goddamn hell nightmare that is Banshee Boardwalk. All my homies hate Banshee Boardwalk. In 150cc, the game goes from an easy first two cups to a difficulty wall for the last two. It won't let you advance unless one of you get top 4, and places 5-8 don't get any points, meaning getting 5th is just as bad as getting last place in a game with eight racers.

With all that being said, this game sucks to play by yourself, wallowing in your own misery with no one to scream out to... but multiplayer... this game gets good again. Obviously the more the merrier, but when you have a friend (and maybe a buzz going around the room) the game's worst aspects turn into its funniest moments, and you'll be shouting in anger and excitement all the while. It's too hard for me to get upset about the game's faults when I'm too busy laughing at watching my friend get wombo combo-ed by multiple items back-to-back, causing him to miss a scripted jump and die. And Battle Mode? Oh man: get four friends, boot up Block Fort, and the war is on.

Mario Kart 64 gets a big bump for its multiplayer, as playing it alone will induce feelings of unalive. The aesthetic and theming of the game based on advertisements and sponsors a la professional racing is also neat. It's far from perfect, but if you want tight controls, just play 8 Deluxe. If you choose violence, play Mario Kart 64.