SuccessfulTroll
2016
Not since food poisoning my dinner guests with shrimp linguine have I served up a more hideous plate of spaghetti
So when are we gonna get a God of War trilogy reboot?
2023
I was surprised and utterly delighted time and time again during my playthrough. Really fresh.
Minus one star for checkpoint technology, some obtuse puzzles, and finicky controls. I’m also not a big fan of the whole “play the game again to get a real ending” thing. GOTY for the musical number alone.
Minus one star for checkpoint technology, some obtuse puzzles, and finicky controls. I’m also not a big fan of the whole “play the game again to get a real ending” thing. GOTY for the musical number alone.
2023
First Pikmin game. Had to tap out after four or five hours. The dandori and efficiency challenges are fun but most of the game’s levels play like an aimless Marie Kondo tidying up simulator. Have to question the patented mindless Nintendo NPC dialog and the day cycle which breaks up the action with two loading screens for no reason as well.
When a game celebrates diversity and still gets a 9.1 Metacritic user score, you know it's good.
Not going to rate out of respect for the people who played the original in its time, but after around 30 minutes I didn't experience anything worth coming back to.
There are some good ideas in this campaign but the execution just is not there.
A great man is able to admit when he is wrong. And I am one such man. Tears of the Kingdom is, in fact, a very good game.
However, it's not a masterpiece. I would even go so far as to say that it's not even great. Here's why:
WEAK PROGRESSION. Between the lack of RPG-style XP and a weapon break system which imposes a cost on every encounter (and a limit on its rewards), fighting mobs feels pointless.
MINDLESS DIALOG FOR BABIES. The dialog in this game is mostly devoid of any charm or humor. It's also ultra-repetitive. Nintendo seems to think that every NPC encounter needs to begin with an inane conversation, which almost universally involves a summary of the game's plot up to that point, and end with an advertisement for a fetch quest somewhere on the other side of the map. Please, I just want to check out my horse.
WEAPON FUSING. The lame weapon inventory management gameplay from the first game, now with additional inventory management. Fusing with Zonai devices seemed promising, but the resulting weapons are weaker than you'd expect and end up being impractical.
APPALLING ACTING. The voice acting on some characters is jarringly bad and the face capture technology is straight out of 2006.
BORING COMBAT. I think Nintendo could have taken this game as an opportunity to tune up Breath of the Wild's combat and make it more satisfying and weighty. Instead, you can now glue a rock to your sword.
BAD CONTROLS. After playing this game for something like 50 hours, I still find myself second guessing which button is the jump button. The horseback riding controls also deserve a special call out for being dreadful.
THE DEPTHS. I've seen reviews of this game breathlessly hailing the Depths as Zelda's answer to Elden Ring's underworld. I think that's a stretch. Though the Depths helps somewhat with this game's sense of progression, the gameplay on offer here is less interesting that the content above. Nintendo is getting a lot of credit for this addition, but it looks to me like they cloned the map of Hyrule, added some antagonistic terrain, turned out the lights, and copy pasted some boss encounters and camps. Compared to Elden Ring's breathtakingly beautiful underground areas, the Depths falls way short.
ANNOYING MECHANICS. Climbing slippage. Idiotic horse stabling system. Stingy vehicle de-spawn rules. Inconsistent auto-save. Spectacularly, ludicrously tedious cooking system.
GRAPHICS & PERFORMANCE. It fucking sucks. Low resolution textures betray the game's strong art direction. Ultrahand and crowded environments constantly drop-kick the framerate. Fast travel means your playthrough is peppered with long load times. I understand the game console this game runs on has less processing power than a modern refrigerator, but at the end of the day it's 2023 and this is just not acceptable anymore.
Still beats Breath of the Wild by a mile though.
However, it's not a masterpiece. I would even go so far as to say that it's not even great. Here's why:
WEAK PROGRESSION. Between the lack of RPG-style XP and a weapon break system which imposes a cost on every encounter (and a limit on its rewards), fighting mobs feels pointless.
MINDLESS DIALOG FOR BABIES. The dialog in this game is mostly devoid of any charm or humor. It's also ultra-repetitive. Nintendo seems to think that every NPC encounter needs to begin with an inane conversation, which almost universally involves a summary of the game's plot up to that point, and end with an advertisement for a fetch quest somewhere on the other side of the map. Please, I just want to check out my horse.
WEAPON FUSING. The lame weapon inventory management gameplay from the first game, now with additional inventory management. Fusing with Zonai devices seemed promising, but the resulting weapons are weaker than you'd expect and end up being impractical.
APPALLING ACTING. The voice acting on some characters is jarringly bad and the face capture technology is straight out of 2006.
BORING COMBAT. I think Nintendo could have taken this game as an opportunity to tune up Breath of the Wild's combat and make it more satisfying and weighty. Instead, you can now glue a rock to your sword.
BAD CONTROLS. After playing this game for something like 50 hours, I still find myself second guessing which button is the jump button. The horseback riding controls also deserve a special call out for being dreadful.
THE DEPTHS. I've seen reviews of this game breathlessly hailing the Depths as Zelda's answer to Elden Ring's underworld. I think that's a stretch. Though the Depths helps somewhat with this game's sense of progression, the gameplay on offer here is less interesting that the content above. Nintendo is getting a lot of credit for this addition, but it looks to me like they cloned the map of Hyrule, added some antagonistic terrain, turned out the lights, and copy pasted some boss encounters and camps. Compared to Elden Ring's breathtakingly beautiful underground areas, the Depths falls way short.
ANNOYING MECHANICS. Climbing slippage. Idiotic horse stabling system. Stingy vehicle de-spawn rules. Inconsistent auto-save. Spectacularly, ludicrously tedious cooking system.
GRAPHICS & PERFORMANCE. It fucking sucks. Low resolution textures betray the game's strong art direction. Ultrahand and crowded environments constantly drop-kick the framerate. Fast travel means your playthrough is peppered with long load times. I understand the game console this game runs on has less processing power than a modern refrigerator, but at the end of the day it's 2023 and this is just not acceptable anymore.
Still beats Breath of the Wild by a mile though.
I am the only person on Earth smart enough to see that Zelda sucks, again.
2021
It’s better then 3D World, but it’s definitely not full console Mario.
2023
EA is demonstrating once again why they’re the most respected developer in the industry.
2023
As a quarter Jew I hereby give you permission to play exactly one quarter of this game and then list it on Craigslist, like I did.
It does kind of have that DLC feel.
2019
My favorite stealth game since MGSV.
2021
When I lost my Switch my first thought was, “at least I don’t have to finish playing 3D Mario with a fixed camera.”