Before you buy this one at at full price, know that the story campaign is half the length of the series standard, I completed ALL of it in 40 hours to give you the gist of it. For what it is outside of that you have the same yakuza formula, fun sub stories and most of its true and done minigames out there up for another revisit, nothing new that hasn't already been introduced, except for a new combat style which is honestly the thing I enjoyed the most. Tossing people around with spiderman wires plus ragdoll physics goes a long way!

As the title entails it is a supplemental sidestory explaining the events of Kiryu between Yakuza 6 and 7 while tacking in another obstacle and supportive characters to fill in the extra shoe in between to make the game its own little piece.
The story is effective, some better moments than others, but likely nothing you won't see coming if you've played the series long enough.

For Yakuza and Kiryu fans it is a decent trip back to series, given you have the right expectations for its shorter burst of content and identity as an interlude weaving towards something hopefully bigger and stronger.

Today I remembered having this game on my giant iPhone notepad of backlog games and I just decided to buy it and yeah good purchase lmao like legitimately this wouldn’t been really damn cool if it got sequels/spinoffs for the Wii/DS. A very nice combination of utilizing tangible 3D movement with a great puzzle framework to make something along the lines of Puzzle Swap, Tetris, etc.

Highly recommended if you want a fun puzzle game to occasionally open up and play some rounds in (if I ever play local multiplayer of this it’d be too sick fr)

Final Fantasy Origins is an impressive little collection that bundles the Wonderswan remakes of Final Fantasy I & II for the PlayStation, with a slew of quality-of-life improvements that make Final Fantasy's earliest entries more accessible to new audiences without cheapening their "old school" difficulty. About the only impressive thing Final Fantasy Chronicles does is introduce intrusive load times and slowdown to Super Nintendo games in the year 2001 and with the full space of dedicated CDs at Square's disposal. Astonishing.

I'm sure there's worse ways to play these games. I know my ears wouldn't be able to tolerate a full playthrough of Final Fantasy IV for the Game Boy Advance, at least, but Chronicles is still less than ideal. I didn't tear into the technical aspects of the game in my review of FFIV, but the amount of slowdown here is agonizing. Scroll through your inventory mid-battle and watch it tick by like molasses slowly pouring from the tap. I also encountered a somewhat frequent bug where Rydia's summons would appear for a couple of frames and then vanish, taking any ensuing effects or damage along with them. Granted, I have no (contemporary) frame of reference to say whether these problems are unique to Chronicles or simply part of the FFIV experience, but it definitely hampers the experience of playing this release regardless.

Chrono Trigger is a game I don't currently have the motivation to sit down and fully replay, but I did mess around in it for a while just to get a sense of what the Chronicles edition was like. Bad, it turns out! The load times are so disruptive to the pace of the game that I can't see myself bearing it for a full play in the same way I can FFIV. You do at least get a nicely animated FMV intro, but hear me out: you can just watch that on YouTube before starting an ill-gotten SNES ROM up in your emulator of choice.

Final Fantasy IV also gets an FMV intro, but uhh... uhhhhhh.... Square was respected for the quality of their CGI cutscenes during the PlayStation era, so what happened here? Was all their money tied up with Spirits Within?

There are simply better ways to play these games, and the only real value I see in Chronicles today is if you're trying to fill out a PlayStation 1 collection and are still in the "I don't want to spend a lot on old games" phase of what is sure to be a mounting problem that will ultimately lead you to financial ruin, like it has me. It starts with this and then the next thing you know you're eyeballing copies of Ehrgeiz and Xenogears and contemplating taking out a loan. I'm writing this review on a Chromebook from the back of my 2003 Toyota Avalon, which I live out of now because i bought too many video games, please donate to my patreon i need to eat i promise i won't spend it on Suikoden II thats not who i am anymore i've changed!!

When it comes to Final Fantasy VII, I think there tends to be a general fixation on Midgar as a centralized point of identity for the game. And while I do think it's one of the best opening segments in maybe any videogame, what makes it work so well in the grand scheme of things is just how introspective the rest of the game feels when juxtaposed to its explosive sense of grandiosity.

Final Fantasy VII's globe trotting adventure isn't primarily defined by it's sense for theatrics, but by it's mellow tone and somber sensibilities. The towns you come across are oftentimes humble and restrained, carefully crafted with precision point environmental design and delicate cinematography. There's a tender sense of balance to found throughout the whole affair, as it seeks to comfort you just as often as it alienates you. That push-and-pull dynamic it shares with the player is such a key focal point as to what make the worlds of VII and VIII feel so utterly compelling to me, and I can't help but feel that the unquestioned contrast between the science and fantasy elements plays a major factor in how sheerly effective that relationship it is.

Aerith's fate is something I'll never forget, not just because of the effective dramatization found within that one moment, but because of how silent and truly felt her absence is across the rest of the game. A lot of people give this game grief for putting the snowboarding segment not even like twenty minutes later, but the fact that the game just moves on afterwards without dwelling on itself too hard is exactly what I think makes it brilliant. Final Fantasy VII allows its punctual moments to breathe and sink skin deep, and it knows that no amount of self indulgent dialogue commemorating Aerith would ever hit as hard as opening the party screen just to see a missing slot there.

Cloud might not be the person he says he is, but what he becomes through learning to open his heart to other people and show compassion makes him more of a hero than any mere SOLDIER could ever hope to be. He never has any major transformation in regards to physicality and utility, he doesn't have to. Just as he doesn't need to be told by someone that he's finally enough, he always was.

For every magnificent setpiece Final Fantasy VII has, there's a slew of soft spoken moments of beauty that truly make this game what it is, even up to its final moments. It ends the same way it began, a friendly face amidst a writhing future of uncertainty. That faint shimmer of hope shining just as bright as it always has.

If I were ever a child in the 90s, and I had some friends over to play some games on the Genesis, and we wanted to play a beat-’em-up game, there would be many suggestions that could be thrown around. We could mention Double Dragon, to where we would say we had already spent enough time on that game, some could mention Alien Storm, which we would be open to, but at some other point in time, and then there would be that one kid who suggests any of the Golden Axe games, who we would then tell to fuck off and die, as he has shit taste and should feel bad for it. After that, we would then settle with Streets of Rage 2, as it just seems like the go-to beat-’em-up for the Genesis as a whole, and why wouldn’t it be? The combat is fast and satisfying, the graphics are great, the stages are really fun to go through, and while it can certainly kick your ass up and down the block, it never leaves you feeling discouraged, and it makes you wanna try again so you can take down your foes and have a grand ol’ time. However, with how good that game turned out to be even after my second playthrough of it, nothing could’ve possibly prepared me for what was ultimately going to be the game that would end up winning me over more than all the others, Streets of Rage 3.

Before playing this game, this was the title I had the least experience with out of any of the Streets of Rage games, with me having played every other game in the series at least a little bit before going back to it for the sake of giving it a proper shot. I was curious as to how I would end up liking this one, considering that Streets of Rage 2 is considered to be not just one of the best games on the Genesis, but also one of the best beat-’em-ups of all time, so needless to say, it was gonna take a lot to make me consider this one the superior title of the two games, let alone the best in the initial trilogy. However, after having played the game for myself……. there’s no way I can ever go back to Streets of Rage 2 now, as this game manages to be phenomenal in just about every way, and I loved almost all of what I got out of it.

The story is a bit more complex than that of previous titles (keywords being “a bit”), where Mr. X, after facing defeat twice in the previous two games, continues to participate in criminal activities under the guise of his new company, RoboCy Corporation, with an ultimate plan to control the city at large through violent means, so when he hears this, Dr. Zan, a roboticist who was working with Mr. X, reaches out to Blaze Fielding for help, and so they, along with Axel Stone and Skate, set out to take down Mr. X once again and save the city, and possibly the world, from utter annihilation. It does sound pretty typical of this kind of game, but I do appreciate the added detail given to the game’s plot as a whole, as well as the cutscenes in the game that give more details on what’s going on, even if it is as basic as can be.

The graphics are pretty great, not looking too much different from what we got in the previous game, but it does feel improved enough to where it is still great to look at, the music is INCREDIBLE, with so many of the tracks having an infectious quality to them that I can’t help but love, to the point where even the character select screen has a banger of a theme, and the gameplay/control is pretty similar to that of the other two games, but not only does it feel pretty great to play, but it tops everything that the previous game gave us, making for one of the best beat-’em-up games that I have played in recent memory, and my favorite beat-’em-up on the Genesis.

The game still retains a lot of the beat-’em-up gameplay you have seen from the previous titles, where you take control of one of four different characters, or if you are me, you always choose Axel Stone every time, go through a set of five to seven levels through plenty of different locations you would typically see in a beat-’em-up, take down whatever sorry punk gets in your way by throwing plenty of punches, kicks, and special moves to your advantage, gather plenty of different weapons, money, and health items to assist you along the way, and take on plenty of bosses, some of which being familiar faces, who will test your skill in how fast you can dodge attacks, throw out punches, and not rage quit at some of the bullshit they can pull off. Most of this is identical to that of previous Streets of Rage games, and there aren’t too many new additions to spice up the gameplay more than what you are used to, but the little changes that are there make this all the better to play in my opinion, as I had a blast with it.

In terms of the changes that were there, again, it isn’t much, but what is there does make things better to play as a whole. Characters now have the ability to run, there are cutscenes that can be seen throughout the game, you can perform special moves with some of the weapons that you can get, which is pretty neat, you have a special meter that will allow you to perform special moves without losing health, and depending on some of your actions in the game, you can actually get many different endings. That last one is one of the best inclusions of them all, seeing as the methods of getting these special endings aren’t exactly clear. It isn’t too blatantly obvious, like “going down this way leads to a different ending”, and instead, it more so falls under who you beat up and who you don’t, which can not only lead to that better ending, but it can also give you new characters to play as as well. It isn’t much, but little bonuses like that do help make the game more enjoyable and replayable, which I can really appreciate.

However, the biggest and best change to the game in my opinion, the one that ended up winning me over in the end, is the speed. Like I mentioned before, you now have the ability to run with every single character, but even ignoring that, the game, in general, is much faster. Combat is a lot faster, you can dish out moves more quickly, and there is a quick, yet noticeable impact you can feel with the punches you throw, which definitely was in the previous games, but it is much more preferable to me here. When it comes to beat-’em-ups, I am a fan of moving fast and hitting hard, and Streets of Rage 2 managed to give me that hard-hitting action, but it was somewhat lacking in the speed department, even if that didn’t bring the game down at all. Here, however, it manages to get both of these elements just right, and when mixed with the wonderful visuals and infectious soundtrack, it made for an incredible time that I would love to play through again with someone else at some point.

I can’t say that the entire game is perfect though, because really, it isn’t. At its core, a lot of it is the same shit that we have seen over and over again, not just from the Streets of Rage series, but also other beat-’em-ups in general, so if you are one who isn’t a fan of these games, or you are burnt out on them entirely, this game will not do anything to change your mind. In addition, like with another game I reviewed recently, Thunder Force IV, this game does have a bit of a problem with pacing. A good handful of the levels are longer than that of the previous game, and while this does work out at some points, other times, especially towards the end, these levels can drag on, making it feel exhausting to play after a while. Granted, this factor varies greatly depending on what difficulty you play on and what ending you go for, but this is still a problem nonetheless. Also, that one part where you are being chased by that bulldozer or whatever… just fuck that part. No one needed it there, and yet you put it in there anyway.

Overall, despite some pacing issues, a lack of major change, and that fucking bulldozer, this is still not only the best of the original Streets of Rage trilogy in my eyes, but also an incredible beat-’em-up all on its own, with wonderful visuals and music, plenty to do that other beat-’em-ups don’t offer, more emphasis on story, and the fast and hard-hitting action that I look for in a beat-’em-up that makes me love it so much more. I would absolutely recommend it for those who are big fans of the beat-’em-up genre, as well as those who loved the other Streets of Rage games as well, because if you think that Streets of Rage 2 is the best game in the series, then let me tell you………. you might still think that after playing this, but at least give it a fair shot. Although, now with all that being said, I am somewhat afraid of going back to Streets of Rage 4 now. I mean, with a game as great as this, how are they gonna be able to top that, especially with a 26-year gap in releases? Well, I guess there’s only one way to find out………….. and that is to actually play it, which I won’t be doing for five years.

Game #566

I mean, why not? When Nobunaga ruled part of Japan, and was asked for his reasoning to go after the rest, he simply went "because it's there". I'm pretty sure he said that, I was alive for it. It was essentially the same mindset I had with finishing the Advance Collection.

Known as "Vampire's Kiss" for our PALs, "Dracula X" could only be assumed to be meant as "Dracula's Hug" rather than some attempt at the 2Xtreme movement of the 90s. You see, because in here Dracula gives you a nice little hug and a peck on the cheek, all before he kicks you down a hole in his dilapidated humble abode. It makes one wonder why Dracula would even bother with floors in general when he's more than capable of flying everywhere, especially if he's already figured out that the best defense against Belmonts is to simply either make them walk up stairs, or dare them to hop with their cement-infused boots across magical levitating platforms. Where these platforms are coming from is a mystery, but I assume it's where all those holes in Dracula's throne room came from, or perhaps that's the origin of all the gaps in the grand hallway where one slip up means Richter falling into an alternate stage that denies him the ability to rescue Maria's now completely useless ass.

"Wow, thanks Richter! Good luck on your quest, I'll make my way out now."

Bitch.

It's really intriguing how a final boss fight can completely overtake discussion, and it's quite telling what the legacy of the Dracula's Smooch version of the climactic finale leaves behind when there exists an entire guide on GameFAQs dedicated to it. A useful one at that. Part of me wishes the Game Gear version of Sonic 2 would have something like that for it's first boss, but I guess there's not much to be helped there beyond "I sure hope the balls don't hit me". To say that the fight with Dracula X is a slog would be shorting it a few hundred didgeridoos, because man I could've made some tasty pancakes in the time it took trying to wait out his ass to get into an advantageous position to hit his godawful hitbox along the pillar system he installed in his throne room prior to him calling in an assist from Devil Kazuya. Kaiser Sigma from X3 would puke at all the times I uselessly cracked my whip across Dracula X's forehead and had it not register, because Konami designed this game from the ground up with anti-blockbuster rental countermeasures instead of waiting for it to come out to us, thus destroying all potential goodwill it could have found as a demake later during the age of emulation, with an audience less upset at being bamboozled out of a more faithful and less mean-spirited retelling of the beloved PC Engine classic. Instead, Switch owners will be annoyed they have to deal with this while Requiem continues chilling as a PS4 exclusive nearly six years later.

Baffling, though not quite as baffling as the censorship where they kept the blood on the title screen, but got rid of Death's Mortal Kombat Deception-style Hara Kiri where he decapitates himself with his own scythe, meanwhile Richter in our version apparently explodes into a pile of flour for Dracula X to make his cookies from.

What cookie would Richter be? Puzzling...

My opinion was ever so slightly improved from forcing myself to replay this for completion-sake, but the most heartwarming thing I get out of Dracula's Kiss personally is seeing the font used at the bottom of the title screen for the copyright, and being reminded of a childhood banger in Konami's Biker Mice From Mars which uses the same thing, so I guess I'll go play that now instead. Ciao.

Fun fact for all of you at home: did you know that Karnov, the big ol’ Russian man over on the left/top/whereverthepictureis there, was actually the mascot for Data East?......................... what kind of mascot is that? I mean, seriously, you’d think they would choose a more appealing and recognizable character for their mascot, such as with Joe or Mac, or maybe even the Bad Dudes if they are feeling special enough… you know, two sets of characters who have had a longer lasting time in the spotlight than him. But no, instead, you settle for this random fuck who only got one game, and then just randomly appeared in a bunch of other games afterwards. No clue what the reason for this was, but hey, who knows? Maybe the original game was just TOO perfect, where it never needed any kind of follow-up whatsoever, and they figured, since they could never improve from there, they just decided to stick with him. Well, you know what, I think it’s about time someone found out for sure.

I have never played this game before, but I had seen it before in videos, specifically with the NES version, and it looked… rough. I wouldn’t say it looked terrible, but it definitely looked on the cheaper side of NES arcade ports, something that you would buy little Jimmy for his birthday, thinking he would love it, until you then find him burning the cartridge in the backyard while roasting marshmallows over the fire. But hey, I didn’t wanna judge a book by its cover, despite how ugly it is, and since I couldn’t get the arcade version to work on my emulator, I ended up having to play the NES version instead, so now I could actually see if the game was as rough as I had initially thought it would be. Unsurprisingly though, after my playthrough, I did come to the conclusion that this game… just isn’t really that good, not to the point where I would say it is terrible or even that bad, but because of how unpolished, boring, and lifeless the package as a whole is.

The story is practically non-existent, where it just focuses on Karnov searching many different lands to try to find the ultimate treasure, which does make him very relatable, since I am also a big greedy dumbshit, but it doesn’t make me care anymore about anything that is happening. The graphics for the arcade version are very generic, looking and feeling like any other arcade game from the time, and as for the NES version… I mean, at least they don’t make me wanna rip out my eyeballs, so that’s kind of a plus, the music unfortunately suffers from Simpsons syndrome, where for a majority of the game, only one song plays, and if you aren’t a fan of that one song, then you are definitely gonna want to turn that shit down and throw on some peak music instead, and the gameplay/control feels exactly like a cheap arcade game from the late 80s should, not only replicating how flimsy and rigid it can be, but also that allowing the depression laying deep within me to fully come out and envelop me to where I wasn’t having that much of a good time.

The game is a 2D action platformer, where you take control of Karnov, go through a set of nine different levels through nine different, yet very similar looking locations, shoot fireballs all over the place to take out the many enemies before while you do the bare minimum platforming required for this game to be considered a platformer, gather plenty of items that can not only be used to upgrade your main attack, but also to assist you in many other ways that I will get into in a second, and take on plenty of bosses that are just as fair as you can expect (not at all), and thus become as fun to fight as you would expect (NOT AT ALL). It does everything it needs to do to be a platformer, and I’m sure that someone who has never played any other platformer in their lives could find some fun out of it, but someone like me, who has been playing platformers even before I could fully comprehend I was alive, it is basically nothing to me.

Most of what you will find in this game is as standard as it gets, with the typical platforming tropes that you would come to expect, none of it having the proper care or thought put into it to where it becomes as addicting or fun as many other games on the market at the time. However, to the game’s credit, there was one element of the game that was somewhat creative and interesting, and that was the many items that you get throughout the game. Of course, there are the typical items you would get from this kind of game, such as the fireballs that upgrades your shot up to being able to shoot three fireballs at once, but there are also plenty of items that actually allow you to mess around with the environment and whatever’s in it, such as a ladder that you can use to reach certain places, bombs which can be used to blow up walls, shoes that let you jump higher, and even wings that allow you to fly along a certain distance before they run out. That is all pretty neat and all, but of course, there is a catch to it, and by that I mean, while all these items are cool, none of them are really all that useful. There are rarely any points in the game where it feels like you need to use these items to proceed forward, with the exception of Stages 7 and 8, where you are required to use some of them to beat the stages, and in every other instance, there just isn’t really any need to use them, making me question why they were included in the first place.

Not only that, but the game also carries along a lot of the typical problems that arcade games from this generation usually have, such as arcade syndrome, where it throws a bunch of enemies at you at once while saying “What are you talking about, that’s fair difficulty! Everyone’s doing it, so it has to be true”, and there are bosses that repeated throughout the game, especially the first boss, who is repeated CONSTANTLY throughout the whole game. Although, none of that really bothers me that much when compared to the biggest criticism that I have with the game as a whole: it just doesn’t feel fun to play. Everything about it just feels… wrong, from the way you control, to the way that levels are designed, to how you progress through some levels, and everything else in between. It feels like it is trying its best, like it is trying to be a good game with everything that it is trying, but at the end of the day, nothing meshes well together, and while it doesn’t make the game terrible, it doesn’t make me wanna think about it anymore then I already have.

Overall, despite having some creative ideas when it comes to the items it gives you, there is just nothing here to cohesively hold the entire game together to make one, solid package, and as a result, it ends up being kind of a mess, one that is one of the most poor and pathetic attempts at an arcade game that I have ever seen, but not one that is even worth getting too mad about, as there is just nothing to it as a whole. I wouldn’t really recommend it to anyone, unless you really wanna know where the mascot for Data East initially came from, but then again, you could probably find plenty of other Data East games that he just so happened to be in, and you would probably have a much better time with those as a result instead. And even then, again, some other gaming characters like Joe & Mac would’ve been a MUCH better choice for mascots for this company, as they were more prevalent icons. Speaking of which…….

Game #567

All games are products of their time, even ones which "bucked trends" or "were ahead of their time" are only so in comparison with their contemporaries. RE5 is interesting historically because it definitely screams 7th gen : the color grading pejoratively described as the "piss filter" of brown environments assaulted with bloom, the co-op multiplayer focus of the days where such things were starting to become mainstream in the console market, the mowing down of hundreds of racist caricatures by a buff white guy, the fact that Albert Wesker's tailor discovered normal maps and is really excited to absolutely plaster them on his jacket etc.

Its hard to avoid noticing the main two things which jump at you when playing re5, namely that its RE4 but not as good and more racist. Asset reuse is fine, honestly, even mechanics recycled from re4 arent unwelcome but its the rehashing of re4 set pieces whilst doing them worse that lets re5 down. Similarly, the ingenious inventory management mechanic of the RE4 attache case : equal parts survival horror resource management and tetris space allocation is replaced by a dull 3×3 grid whose ultimate depth involves exchanging shit to your ai partner to reload a weapon before exchanging it right back.

The multiplayer aspect makes re5 have kind of an absurd difficulty curve based on your luck in finding partners. Some sections with the Ai partner were a bit patience testing, given their passive nature and limited commands, but then Id get randomly paired up with a god on their fifth playthrough who'd hand me 300 bullets for the machine gun and absolutely tear mfers up with endgame weapons. Very funny to me as well, how certain doors and weights and stuff require the cooperation of chris and sheva because of course its too heavy for a guy whos built like a brick shithouse, he needs help from a small framed spinning instructor to move it.

That being said, its got its bright moments and thankfully the multiplayer aspect made the use of QTEs for custcenes impossible so it does have that over RE4. In all honesty, its not an AWFUL game gameplay wise. There are a few levels which are quite striking visually, namely the temple areas and the faster arcadey nature of it all makes it not better but different to the pace of RE4. The implementation of a cover system and gun wielding zombies is as stupid and unwelcome as you'd expect, and the smoking gun for me that the island in RE4 is not only the worst part of that game but an incredibly ill omen of things to come for the franchise.

I suppose I should mention the elephant in the room : the game is set in "Africa". Not very specific where in Africa except the locals speak French so theres about 20 countries that could apply to. The spectre of the war on terror looms large as the intro depicts an american leading a counter terrorism operation and soon we see Akihiko from Persona 3 doing an arab accent get executed by frenzied locals riled up by a preacher. And sure, like in re4 the reason for it all is a parasitic infestation but the visual language of the game borrows a lot from contemporary wars that its hard to miss. There are heroic black characters like Sheva and her captain buddy but they seem there more as a pre emptive defense at criticism.
Admittedly, considering the state of AAA games at the time, RE5 is not THAT much more racist that the other shooters about doing imperialism in thr global south; that is until you get to the chapter where the enemies are all black people wearing grass skirts and chucking spears at you. And im sorry but zombie or no zombie, that sequence made me surprised to find out that Rudyard Kipling's ghost didnt have a writing credit in the game.

Smarter and more personally invested people than me have already talked about this aspect so I won't go much deeper into it except to say that its an odd obsession with studios who thrive on schlock and silliness to try to delve into more serious or thorny subjects that they are not equipped to handle.

If you take a look over to our right here, you can see a… peculiar individual, constantly running into this wall right here, having no clue about what they are doing, and not wanting to change course or direction to help them get out of this predicament they are in. That individual, readers, represents the state of Joe & Mac around the time that Joe & Mac 2: Lost In the Tropics was released. The game was still good, but while it had some interesting ideas that would have benefited the main gameplay to be much more fun than what we had previously, instead, it does nothing to flesh out these ideas, or even to encourage you to check them out, and thus, you are left with yet another generic prehistoric-themed platformer that comes and goes as fast as the flavor of Fruit Stripe Gum. But hey, maybe that was just a rough patch that the series went through for a second. I mean, surely, they can pick themselves up from here and benefit with another title right?............ well no, because instead, we got Joe & Mac Returns.

At first glance, this game doesn’t seem like anything all too disappointing, just another typical arcade platformer for this series, and one that would be fun enough for a couple of minutes before you move onto something else. For the most part, you would be right, as the game is a good time, featuring plenty of simple, yet fun levels to go through, pleasing visuals, and a gameplay style that is very fun to try out, especially with a buddy to play with you. However, then you notice that, when looking at footage of the game, it is literally just yet another clone of Bubble Bobble, Snow Bros., Buster Bros., or whatever game with a very similar style of gameplay, and that was about the point where I immediately stopped caring, even if the game is still decent as a whole.

The story is non-existant, as it just has Joe & Mac running through all of these different locations and beating the fuck out of everything they run across, which I like to look at not as a lack of plot, but more so just these two letting out their pent up rage and going on a murderous bonking spree, which seems very appropriate for cavemen to do. The graphics are pretty good, looking very similar to that of every other game in this series, but still having plenty of fun designs for the levels, characters, enemies, and bosses, along with animations that go with these designs, the music is alright, having some decent enough tracks to accompany what you are doing, but nothing managed to stick with me after playing, and it didn’t leave that much of an impression either way, and the gameplay/control can pretty much be summarized as “Hey, have you ever played Snow Bros.? You have? Well there ya go, just saved ya an hour of your life.”

But just in case you haven’t played that game, the game is a 2D platformer, where you take control of either Joe or Mac yet again, go through a set of seven different worlds, each with their own set of levels full of plenty of different enemies to take on, club the fuck out of said enemies so you can put them in your sack that you just so happen to be carrying around and throw them at other enemies to take them out, as well as whatever other obstacles you will run across on your journey, gather plenty of different power ups that can assist you in many different ways, and take on plenty of familiar faces for boss fights, who will challenge you to a degree, unless you are fast on the controls, in which case they all fall like a line of dominos. It does everything a game like this should, and many would probably have a good time with it if you are a big fan of those other games I mentioned earlier, even if I wasn’t able to get into it that much myself.

Before I go onto further discussing Joe & Mac’s mid-life crisis, I may as well go ahead and get all of the positives out of the way, because the game does manage to get a lot right. The main gameplay is solid enough, having the right amount of energy that a series like this should have, plenty of levels to go through to feel like a complete package, and the power ups that you get are fun to mess around with, such as the one that makes you go faster, and the wheel from the previous games, making any enemy you come across go down lickety split, which is so immensely satisfying… even if it only lasts for that level before being taken away. Not to mention there are other, smaller touches that I enjoyed seeing, such as characters from other Data East title in certain levels, how you can choose the first level you start with from the beginning, and once again, just how great the game looks, considering how the last two titles were restricted to being stuck on the Super Nintendo.

However, while all that is great and all, one question did constantly pop into my head while I was playing the game……. why does this exist? Why do we need a game like Bubble Bobble and Snow Bros., but for the Joe & Mac series? What, was it because there hadn’t been one of these games yet that was done with a caveman motif? It doesn’t do anything to expand upon the gameplay of those other titles, nor does it really give off the same satisfaction, joy, and magical feeling that those other games did, making me wonder why one would ever choose to play this game over those other titles? Granted, again, it doesn’t really do anything too bad, but it just comes off as bland and lifeless as a result, with its one and only unique trait being that it is a Joe & Mac game, which definitely isn’t enough in this case.

Not to mention, there were definitely elements about the game that I didn’t like. There were the usual issues you’d come to expect, such as a tiny bit of arcade syndrome throughout, how the game does drag on a little bit towards the end, and how it forces you to go through a boss rush for a majority of the last world, but I think the one thing that annoyed me the most more than anything else was, oddly enough, Joe & Mac’s voices. No disrespect to the voice actors who did these lines, as they did a decent enough job, but GODDAMN, they are so annoying, where you hear them let out these loud yelps and phrases all the time that just grate on your ears very quickly. The biggest example of this for me was whenever you would grab any power up found in the game, and your character would react to this by shouting “I GOT A POWER-UP!”, which made me wanna turn the volume all the way down so badly at many points, it is so annoying. Also, one more issue I wanna bring up is the cutscenes that play in-between each world, where it involves something bad happening to the cavegirls you see throughout the whole game, usually in a sexual manner, which is followed up by a sitcom-ass laugh track that plays over it…………………… yeah, kinda makes you feel uncomfortable when you watch it.

Overall, despite my own personal gripes with the game and the genuine ones that do hold it back, this is still a solid enough game, and a great return for the cavemen duo for the arcade, providing fun and satisfying gameplay, plenty of fun to be had with friends, and the amount of charm and zaniness that makes these games appealing at first glance to begin with. I would recommend it for those who were a big fan of the other Joe & Mac games, as well as those who are also fans of Bubble Bobble and Snow Bros., because if you love all of those series dearly, then this game might just be a match made in heaven for you. I just wish that I was able to like it more, and not see it as Data East fumbling around, not sure what to do with this franchise anymore. Not surprising that this would be the last game that the series would ever get for almost 30 years, before the original game got remade in 2022. I actually never played that one either, so I wonder how it is… let me take a look at it real quick…

one video later

Huh… ok then. I guess it looks decent enough for a mobile game. someone whispers something in my ear....... what do you mean it’s not a mobile game?

Game #568

Please don't read what this actually is, just play it. It's short (20-30m?) and one of the coolest things I've ever seen come out of romhacking. Patch over at the author's profile on smwcentral.

CW: Low effort review.

The unassuming name wouldn't lead you to believe it won the Questionable Level Design Contest '23, but from the way things are phrased it, it's as if it were an easy pick! And it's not really hard to see why!

Spoilers below here.

How is this possible? LOL, absolutely genius concept, this is the kinda stuff I play video games for. How one came up with the idea of the entire game being just the map movement (with occasional bits of hybrid normal and map platforming) is beyond me; or at least I feel like it is. The individual texts for a lot of squares were humorous and some of the level design just a bit mean.

And yet, something about reaching the end of it, with the long walk and ever so faintly sarcastic text, still felt sincere. Like "yea, here's my thing." Awesome.