63 Reviews liked by guiltyparty


Really tried to finish this one, but not gonna lie, I dropped it as soon as I realized I had to do this godawful stealth segment in chapter 4. This is the second time I've tried to complete this game, and once again I am baffled by the acclaim. The developers' hearts are in the right place, and it definitely has some semblance of an idea about what Paper Mario players want. The problem is that it has a severe lack of polish that makes it obvious that these guys are amateurs.

The turned-based combat has the right idea, but I feel like it's way too heavily focused on badges to a fault, and ends up pigeonholing you into specific builds for each party member. It's lacking the freedom that Paper Mario gives you in terms of customizability. Too many badges have a negative aspect to them as well, which inherently makes me not want to use them, and even the ones that don't aren't particularly interesting. I also find it really annoying how enemies seem way too beefy in terms of health, and have slightly more attack power than I feel like they should in comparison to how measly your HP and attack power is. It makes combat feel like a slog sometimes.

Outside of combat, the game is filled with janky puzzles that are never really fun to do. One type of puzzle that comes up frequently is using the bee character's boomerang, which is always a pain to aim properly. The other type of puzzle involves freezing dripping water to make a block of ice that one of the other characters can move to use as a platform to reach higher areas. Problem is getting the right angle you want the ice block to move in can be a major test of patience. Then you have to do one of these puzzles during the aforementioned stealth segment! I cannot fathom how anybody could play that part and not only think it was designed well, but think it was fun.

It's a shame. I can kind of see why people like this, but to put it on such a high pedestal doesn't make sense to me. Sure it's better than the Paper Mario games we've been getting since Sticker Star, but that's not exactly a high bar. I'd hesitate to call the game bad, but I'd rather just play through any classic Mario RPG again than stick with this.

Wonder is an interesting game because it’s good in ways that are new for the series while falling short in areas Mario is known to excel in.

I’d like to begin with what was the most surprising home run: the online, somewhat asynchronous, multiplayer. I had written it off as completely meaningless, but it consistently kept me engaged through to the end of the game. I’d really hate to evoke a certain title, but seeing other players along on their adventure and weaving in and out of their lives while occasionally offering support and messages was reminiscent of some game.

And it works really well for Mario! Someone’s standee marking the path to a secret exit, or a revive point placed before a tricky jump were two organic uses of a multiplayer system that might at first seem like a poor fit for a platformer. Being able to emote at other players and conquer courses alongside of them are less mechanically engaging but are extremely resonant if you’re a human being. I was conquering the game’s final hidden course alongside another player, and after seeing him respawn next to me a few times, we traded off waiting for one another as we conquered each section of the level. Overcoming that with a stranger whom I’d never see again was a novel moment of emotion I never got from another 2D Mario game. It wasn’t very deep, but it was unique in the series.

The older style of multiplayer is gone, and a loss of a feature is unilaterally a bad thing, but for solo players this system works incredibly well. If you haven’t used it I’d recommend replaying the game entirely with this feature.

Another, unfortunately, uncommon W for this game relative to its brethren is style. Wonder oozes style, and one can tell great efforts were taken so that every course presents something new. This comes out visually, but the mechanics of each level’s wonder fruit section are also incredibly inspired. Only one or twice was an idea revisited, which was great to see. Other Mario games simply lacked such mechanically diverse levels, especially in 2D.

However, this approach to level design isn’t without pitfalls. As each level needed its own unique selling point, there are fewer of them to go around. Instead of the usual eight fun worlds there are now only six.

But perhaps that’s for the better. Outside of the wonder fruit sections the platforming on offer is neither difficult nor particularly engaging barring the final level of the game. This is particularly strange for the series that made 2D platforming its bread and butter. Boss fights are also a simplistic bore.

No, Wonder is at its best when the basics of platforming are either stripped away completely or augmented with a mini-game-esque flair. In addition to the wonder fruit sections there are scores of mini-levels that ask players to go on scavenger hunts or do something else trivial as a break from the usual gameplay. All of these diversions are welcome, and while they don’t solve the difficulty problem, they are fun.

The implementation of new features is another typical strength of Mario, but the badge system in Wonder left a lot to be desired. I was hoping for them to be utilized in ways that necessitated picking the correct badge for a given level. Whether that be to finish the level or get all of the collectibles, I was expecting to need to use a variety of badges.

It’s worth noting that the game’s somewhat open structure would make necessitating a particular badge somewhat difficult in terms of level design, but multiple badges fill similar roles; expecting the player to have at least one to get an optional collectible would have been perfectly reasonable.

As it stands badges just don’t add much to the game. I kept the same badge equipped for the entirety of the game and was never at a loss on the road to 100%. Perhaps for the diehards the expert badges can fill in for the missing challenge, but self-regulation does not gel with difficulty as a rule.

A little more rapid fire now: Music? Not up to snuff. Voice acting? Oddly hit the mark; the characters all had personality in spades. Overall world design? Very well executed mix of SMW-style linearity with more modern, open spaces in which to hide secrets.

Wonder does a lot right, but the relative fumble of the basic platforming mechanics has me rethinking my affinity for this genre of game. It might be unfair to hold that against Wonder, but overall I still had a great time, so I won’t think too much about it.

By the way if you’re that Japanese Luigi who spent 20 minutes on the last level of the game with me, hmu.

This review contains spoilers

There isn't really a whole lot to say about Spider-Man 2 because in reality, most of what you can say about the previous Insomniac Spider-Man games still holds true even now. Even story-wise, almost every beat is exactly what you'd expect based on both the comics they draw inspiration from and also just how they've written these games in the past. The symbiote storyline is so well-known and so hard to innovate upon that there really wasn't much Insomniac could do other than tell the same story again and hopefully be competent at it in the process. I think they succeeded, but there is one weird thing that happens towards the end, one that only seems to exist because this story happens to be told in the medium of video games.

I'm talking about the presence of the "Anti-Venom" suit, and it's something that got me thinking once again about a subject that's been on my mind for years but I've struggled to put into words. Because despite my issues with Anti-Venom that we'll get to in a moment, it's also fairly inconsequential. Anything and everything I say about it will inevitably be countered with "it's fun" and I wouldn't even disagree with that. This is not meant to be an "Anti-Venom makes the game bad" criticism, but rather it's a symptom of a larger problem I have with our collective understanding of game design, not just for Spider-Man games, but for almost all video games.

But before I get to those wider issues, let's talk about this one video game first. Spider-Man 2, among other things, is an adaptation of the fairly iconic "Black Suit" Spider-Man storyline, in which Spider-Man comes into contact with a mysterious black substance that turns into a new suit that gradually warps his mind until he isn't truly himself anymore, corrupted by the alien symbiote that is what he initially thought was just a fancy costume. Eventually, of course, he is able to reject the symbiote's influence and tear off the gooey "suit", leading the symbiote to seek out a new host and become the villainous Venom. If you've seen one version of this story, you've seen them all. Spider-Man 2 is doing nothing different in that regard.

Yuri Lowenthal, who plays Peter Parker in these games, recently did an interview where he likened his version of Peter being corrupted by the symbiote to addiction. At first the rush of power the symbiote gives Peter is great, but over time, he becomes more and more dependent on it, until he serves it rather than the other way around. I'm no expert on addiction here, but the analogy seems decent enough. And I think we can apply that to more than just his performance or even the writing, but to an extent, the game design.

After Peter finally dons the symbiote suit in Spider-Man 2, you'll instantly feel a change in the gameplay. For starters, you unlock the new Symbiote Surge ability, one that temporarily puts Peter into a state where he can utterly wallop most enemies in just a few attacks, essentially a "mash square to win" button. In addition, new symbiote powers replace abilities that previously utilized Peter's Iron Spider legs. And quite frankly, these symbiote abilities are far more useful than the Iron Spider ones ever were. In particular, the Symbiote Yank, which allows you to instantly grab a group of enemies in a surprisingly large area in front of you and then slam them down, taking every enemy affected by it out of commission for a moment while also doing heavy damage, is a life-saver on higher difficulties where large groups of enemies can feel like a death sentence.

Because of this, because the Symbiote has empowered Peter so much, as you play it's hard to imagine going back to a world without them. Even the powerful electric abilities of the other Spider-Man, Miles Morales, don't feel as devastating as anything you can accomplish with the Symbiote's power. Like in the story, in gameplay you'll come to be dependent on the Symbiote's abilities more and more, especially as the "Hunter" enemies pose a far more significant challenge than the basic gangsters you fight at the start of the game.

So, when you reach a point in the story that the time finally comes for Peter to reject the Symbiote and take off that black suit once and for all, you immediately notice the difference. Those old Iron Spider abilities you're now forced back into using just don't pack the same punch, and the aforementioned Symbiote Surge is gone, not even replaced with some lesser alternative. You have been put into a feeling of withdrawl, perfectly capturing the toxic influence of the symbiote. Video games are an interactive medium, after all, and here they successfully managed to convey narrative through the gameplay itself.

And then a handful of story missions later, we find out Peter has a piece of the symbiote still lingering inside him which is then cured by Mister Negative's powers, giving him the white Anti-Venom suit, essentially a version of the symbiote that won't mess with his head. Which means all those powers you lost earlier in the story are back. Although two of the previous symbiote abilities are replaced with slightly less powerful variants, two of them return completely unaltered from their original versions. On top of this, the Symbiote Surge, which caused you to play as the brutal, highly aggressive madman the symbiote turns you into, also comes back completely unchanged. Even in the story, this is outright described as having all the power of the original symbiote with none of the consequences.

I don't need to go into too much detail about why I take issues with this, right? It immediately goes back on all the praise I just laid on the gameplay/story synergy they achieved with the symbiote. Of course, I know why this was done. The symbiote was fun! Why take that power away from the player forever? Why leave one Spider-Man with less combat options than the other? And I'm not here to say the game is ruined because of this or anything, but just because I understand the thought process here doesn't mean I agree with it.

This moment is, I think, a good encapsulation of an approach to game design I wish had become less normalized. As much as we all like the idea of gameplay and narrative both working in harmony to tell the same story, too often there is a tension between doing that and still prioritizing "fun" above all else. And this is where we run into trouble, because when I say that, it sounds like I'm saying games should be less fun, which is not the case. I'm generally a completionist when it comes to the games I play, so it's not as if I want that experience to be painful.

What I'm trying to say is that I think most people who play games want video games to be taken seriously as an art form. And I think to some extent, that idea has become vastly more popular now than it was, say, 10 years ago. But I still wouldn't consider it quite "mainstream" yet, and I think there are a few roadblocks to that, and part of that comes down to how we think about game design. Fundamentally, even though we still understand games as being able to tell stories, to communicate emotions, they're still seen as "lesser", something meant to be enjoyed in the same way as a toy moreso than any other narrative medium.

I'm talking about this with Spider-Man 2 not because I think it is the most important game to placed within this phenomenon. It's, obviously, a mainstream AAA game meant to drive up console sales. We were not robbed of some deep artistic experience because it made certain choices. But that whole Anti-Venom thing finally helped me put together these thoughts. Its inclusion, fundamentally, treats the game as a toy. And that's fine! Toys are fun! Again, my takeaway here is not to say that the game is bad because of this, or that it shouldn't exist in the form it does. But it's not as if it's the only game we're designing this way.

I think there's just a fear in game design, more than any other medium, of losing the player's interest. Games require the most money to buy into of almost any art form. For the price of a single AAA video game, you're paying the equivalent of more movie tickets than you can count on one hand, or a few months of a streaming service where you could find several shows you want to watch. So there's an expectation that, when you buy a game, you're going to get something worth the money you put into it. There's a reason AAA open world games have become so homogenized.

But this mindset isn't one that I think indie games are immune to either. I don't think most indie games are really trying for anything less, even if there is somewhat more variation in the types of games being made. But any indie that tries to, perhaps, experiment with our typical notion of "fun" in order to generate unique meaning through its interactivity, it's often ignored entirely or met with derision. The existence of the term "walking simulator" is perhaps the clearest example of this phenomenon.

But I think even games that are more conventional than, say, Gone Home, are able to perhaps subvert this "fun at all costs" mindset. For example, Undertale is a pretty typical turn-based RPG for the most part, albeit mixed with some bullet hell elements. However, it also features the infamous "genocide" route, which forces you to grind for what feels like hours in order to achieve it as a way of commenting on how what you're doing is senseless and pointless and is solely motivated by wanting to see what will happen at the end. It's not exactly "fun" outside of the few cool unique boss fights that exist seemingly just to generate word of mouth for this route and get people to try it, but the story it tells through the player's own interactions with it is incomparable.

The reason this all matters to me so much is, again, not because I think Spider-Man 2 is terrible or even unique to having these problems. But it's just one of those examples that gets you thinking about these sorts of things precisely because it actually gets these things right at first, only to trip over itself just before the finish line. Something I don't think I've talked about before is that game design is a field I am interested in working in one day, so I kind of can't help but think about the games I play this way. All of these questions of how we approach design are not just ones I'm asking others, but also ones I might have to ask myself one day if I'm put in the position of designing my own game.

So hopefully it's clear that this review isn't really about Spider-Man 2. It's about video games as a whole and how we think about them. And I still think I've really only scratched the surface on this topic of how we're designing games like toys, but talking any more about it felt like too much of a tangent. Again, this is something that's been on my mind for years, this game just happened to be the one that got me to start putting it into words. Video games are such an interesting medium for storytelling not just because of the way the player's actions can impact the narrative, but how the narrative can reflect those actions back at the player and make them question things about themselves. We can challenge people playing games on more levels than mechanical skill, we just have to try.

After years of sterile, commercial, uninspired entries, it's nice to finally see a 2D Mario full of life and creativity. Not that the NSMB games were necessarily bad or anything. They were, generally speaking, well made platformers that were perfectly serviceable. However, serviceable doesn't and shouldn't cut it for Mario. Playing a Mario game shouldn't feel like you're playing a corporate product developed by people being kept on a leash so they don't "go too far" or something. Luckily, Nintendo seems to have freed them from those shackles, and clearly it paid off incredibly.

This game feels like a true follow-up to Mario World in that it's actually expanding upon 2D Mario with things like badges, new enemies, and tons of new level gimmicks. There's also a bunch of secrets to find too that are pretty easy to miss, so there's plenty of replayability. The badges alone add a lot of replayability too just to experiment with and see how much you can cheese levels with them.

Level design is overall pretty great and each world has very unique theming as well. You don't just have a grass world, ice world, water world, etc. Every world has a variety of different aesthetics to keep them from getting stale. The trippy Wonder Seed parts of certain levels are a highlight as well. It's fun to see a Mario game really lean more into the weird and wacky aspects of the series that inspired so many people to make the same insufferable drug jokes over the years.

The online functionality is actually pretty cool as well. I at first didn't think it would be all that notable, but having these ghost players play along with you and help you out with finding secrets (or revive you from death if you really want to go full baby mode) adds a lot to the experience. The levels where you have to search for hidden coins especially make use of this feature in a neat way.

Only negatives I can really think of is that I do wish the different characters weren't just skins and had their unique attributes they're known for. Playing as Peach often would confuse me because I'm so use to her having a hover ability. I guess also the bosses are a little uninspired, but honestly I don't think 2D Mario games ever truly had particularly great boss fights.

Mario Wonder is genuinely wonderful. I wouldn't put the game above Mario 3 or World, but I would say it's definitely in the same tier of quality.

Good lord. It's astounding to me that a game with the reputation that Pokemon Sword has managed to disappoint me. I could've sworn that I went in with eyes wide open; I'd play the game and have a good time despite the well-publicized flaws. After all, it's a pattern I have repeated to success a few times.

Pokemon Legends: Arceus was a game that everyone knew looked like dog shit from its announcement trailer. I bought it, and had an excellent time for several hundred hours on my road to 100%.

Pokemon Scarlet was (another) game that everyone knew looked like dog shit from its announcement trailer, and it was also one that was well understood to be complete and total jank. I also enjoyed that game for upwards of 100 hours.

So, as I sat bored one day, I figured "Why not but Pokemon Sword! I'm down for another hundred hour, janky adventure with subpar graphics." Of course, only the latter half of that statement ended up panning out.

First I'll describe the devil I knew. It's hard to be aware of Pokemon Sword without knowing its reputation for subpar graphics. Surely an odd thing to make a mainstay of the series, but god damn it let's let GameFreak cook. While this is most definitely a identify to have with this Pokemon title, it's almost redundant to take serious umbrage with it. The games are so consistently undercooked insofar as visuals that by this point you either accept it or you've moved on. It's a worthy talking point, but not a big contributor to my opinion of Pokemon Sword.

The flaws that only showed themselves over the course of my time with the game, however, were much more damning.

Part of the reason I enjoyed Legends Arceus and Scarlet so much was the sense of freedom and, to a lesser extent, adventure that permeated them. (You're probably enjoying a laugh at my expense right about now if you've played Pokemon Sword. Good beats.) Pokemon is a series that lends itself well to nonlinearity. The agency to seek out your favorite guys and build a team you connect with does a lot to enhance the experience; any amount of time you're forced to bond with the second-stringers is wasted.

Openness also gels with the games on a narrative level. Just about every one of these games is about a kid shoving out into the world to carve their own way. Having one's hand held and dragged through a linear series of events would be too dissonant with that idea. While it's easy to look at the latest games in the series and say that Pokemon has only just now reached that level of nonlinearity, the games have always had this down. Even in Pokemon Red one had a few junction points where the player could choose which boss encounter to pursue. You always had some amount of agency.

Pokemon Sword does its best to dispense with that idea entirely. There is always one (1) correct way to progress. Not only are there no other options, there are never any side routes for optional objectives or challenges. No, you simply are rushed through the main story until the game finally stops at some point post-credits with the message to "Go explore!" when there is no longer an incentive to do so.

Not that there would be much to explore, anyway. In addition to being a linear corridor, the world of Pokemon Sword is lacking in anything compelling to do or see. It's not even interconnected, as a few parts of it are cut off with only the loading screen of a train station linking them. The claustrophobia of the world design only exacerbates the death of the sense of adventure started by the game's linear progression.

And without an adventure to embark on, what is the reason to even play a Pokemon game? It's surely not the combat, which never even approaches a stress test demanding the player actually engage with it on a strategic level. It's also not the collectathon nature of a world with so many unique monsters; the absolutely glacial pace of any encounter discourages someone from catching 400 unique creatures.

I'm at a loss trying to answer that question. Why play this game? Why did I play this game? While I feel deflated now, it's nothing compared to how I felt when I finished the "post game content". Seeing my final play time fall shy of 30 hours was paradoxical in a way that inflicted psychic damage.


My time with Pokemon Sword was so insubstantial and mind numbing, and how dare it be this short??

Once the credits rolled and I saw the sheer mountain of Nintendo employees credited as "level designers" everything made sense. Creative, but without a voice – or indeed, too many (and I don't mean those god-awful flowers!)

2020 was a bizarre and potentially depressing year due to numerous happenings, so I can only assume that the gaming community decided to gaslight themselves into thinking that Origami King was a good game just so there was a little more positivity in their lives. Unfortunately, not only is the game not good, I’d say it’s almost as bad as the infamous Sticker Star. It’s not even like I went into the game expecting to hate it. Hell, I went into the game with a pretty positive mindset thinking I’d enjoy myself, but after spinning around that fucking circle for the 10,000th time I wanted to genocide every last Toad in the game as much as the main villain did.

Just like the previous games in the Sticker Star trilogy, this game completely lacks everything that you would expect from an RPG. There is no experience, no leveling up, no real stat growth or anything. All you get from battles are coins. The only real stat you have is your HP, which increases from getting health upgrades at random points in the game. Other than survivability, this also determines whether or not hitting an enemy outside of battle will just instantly kill them instead of initiating a battle much like in games like Earthbound. I guess this is a good thing, but when battles are already pretty pointless, not to mention incredibly boring, you may as well avoid enemies entirely.

All battles involve this ring mechanic that makes them a slog. Every turn you have to line up enemies to group them either in a row or a 2x2 square shape so that your jump or hammer attacks hit all of them. You also get a damage bonus from successfully aligning all the enemies. Having to do this every single turn, on a time limit as well, gets annoying fast. It overcomplicates fights with an obnoxious puzzle, while also simplifying them by basing your damage output almost entirely on whether or not you solved the puzzle. I say almost entirely because you do find equipment throughout the game, which are basically temporary upgrades to your boots and hammer that degrade with each use and eventually break. You may think this makes getting coins in battle more meaningful, since you can buy equipment in shops, but the overworld has a bunch of question mark blocks with equipment in them anyway. I started out buying things in shops, but eventually didn’t even bother because of how many items and equipment the game hands out to you. Most of my money was spent on the game’s useless collectibles.

You can also spend coins in battle to have the Toads in the audience help solve the ring puzzles for you. Coins also can be spent to add time to the timer while you’re trying to solve these ring puzzles. This ended up being the most useful thing coins are for, but again, coins are found pretty easily in the overworld and mandatory fights. If coins are all you get as a reward for battling, and the things you buy coins with are really only for battles, then what incentive do I have to engage in battles outside of the forced ones? You can effectively avoid as many battles as possible and get through the game just as easily as someone who fights every enemy they come across. This is a turn-based RPG with no progression system.

What’s also bad is that there’s no variety to action commands. It’s all just “press A at the right time.” The first two Paper Mario games had a ton of different action commands that made your attacks along with your partners’ attacks feel unique and prevented combat from getting boring. Jumping on four enemies in a row for the hundredth time, in the same exact way, with the same exact inputs, will inevitably get boring. If the developers aren’t going to bother making combat meaningful, the least they could do is make it fun.

Oh also, speaking of partners, this game kind of has them, but not really. You get party members throughout the game that do help in battle, but they’re mostly useless. You have no control over them, their attacks sometimes will randomly fail, and they don’t even appear in battle for the more difficult parts of the game like boss fights where they could potentially be useful. The closest the game ever got to feeling like a real Paper Mario game was the desert area, where a Toad archaeologist follows you throughout most of the chapter. He even has a useful ability outside of battle. Why wasn’t the entire game like this chapter?

Boss fights are also mostly a pain because they’re mostly super gimmicky. They have a different spin (heh) on the circle puzzle thing, where bosses are in the center and you have to make a path to the boss and end on one of three types of attack panels. However, once you figure out exactly what the game wants you to do as an attack, they become complete non-threats. Other than the basic attack panels, there are 1000 fold arms attacks and vellumental attacks, the former of which usually involves mashing the A button and the latter having your sidekick, Olivia, transform into a giant beast and deal a ton of damage herself. It reminds me of Sticker Star’s bosses in which the fights are tedious slogs unless you bring the “Thing” sticker that happens to be the boss’s weakness, typically taking out half of their health. It might actually be worse here because for most of the bosses, there’s really only one way to beat them and it’s always gimmicky. Hell, the final boss even ends up being like this. First phase is just more annoying versions of a few bosses you’ve already fought, second phase is a dumb action minigame, and the final phase is one last obnoxious circle puzzle ending in a very generous QTE sequence. Bosses are supposed to be a test of the player’s skill and knowledge of the game’s mechanics, and here they’re more a test of the player’s patience as they try to trial-and-error their way to the solution the game wants.

Okay, enough bitching about the battle system. What about the other aspects of the game? Well, they’re not much better. Much of the game’s content is finding generic Toads folded into origami. The more you find, the more you benefit from spending money on them in battle. I’ll admit that this part of the game, despite once again being finding generic Toads, isn’t that bad because I do for whatever reason find it fun trying to figure out where they’re hiding. It does get pretty monotonous quickly though, and it didn’t take me long to stop caring. There’s also an aspect of exploration where you cover up holes by throwing confetti on them, filling them up and allowing you in some instances to progress. This honestly just felt like busywork to me more than anything since there’s nothing to it. There’s also the 1000 fold arms gimmick where you stand over a magic circle and have to move around Mario’s now giant arms and find a thing to grab onto. Again, this just feels like more busywork that is essentially pixel hunting. I guess there are a few puzzles here and there that are somewhat interesting in the more dungeon-like areas, but for the most part I don’t recall the game’s exploration to be anything all that noteworthy.

I did like the game’s more action oriented battles more. In fact, these are not only the best parts of the game, but also the parts I wish they focused more on. I don’t get why Intelligent Systems doesn’t just make Paper Mario an action RPG series instead of doing turn-based stuff if they can’t figure out how to make the turn-based stuff fun. Super Paper Mario was more action focused, and while it was easy as hell, it was still fun and kept the spirit of Paper Mario in tact.

One of the biggest aspects of the game I’ve seen people comment positively on is the writing, and I honestly don’t get it. There are some funny jokes here and there, but I’m so done with everyone in this universe being self-aware of the fact that they’re made of paper. Paper Mario originally wasn’t supposed to be a universe where everyone is made of paper, it was just supposed to be an aesthetic. It was supposed to look like a pop-up book. Sure, TTYD played into the paper stuff more by having those transformations, but it was mainly just a gag and was treated as unnatural. It wasn’t until Sticker Star that they really went hard into the meta, self aware paper nonsense. On top of that, the game feels like it’s trying too hard to be funny or wacky at times. There were multiple occasions where the characters would just start dancing or singing, which is the most lazy way to attempt to add wackiness to something. The wacky moments of the past Mario RPGs were always more subtle and few and far between. If everything is wacky, not only does it start to wear off and get annoying, you also can’t take what are supposed to be serious moments seriously.

The actual story itself is a little better I suppose, but the game itself was so tedious and filled with padding that it hurt any attempts to make me care about the characters. Everyone talks about Bobby, and I didn’t really like him much at all. He sucks as a partner, he ends up being a liability more than anything, and his sacrifice had to completely abandon the established lore of how Bob-Ombs work in the Paper Mario universe to even make sense. On top of that, there’s a moment later on where you control Bowser’s airship and shoot literally dozens of Bob-Ombs at enemies, which I guess means Mario is willingly committing Bob-Omb genocide. Definitely doesn’t undermine the sad Bobby death scene at all. It’s not even like the developers forgot about this, Olivia literally refers to the other Bob-Ombs as Bobbys. People can cope and say “oh well it’s only manufactured Bob-Ombs that die when they explode. There are normal Bob-Ombs that can explode as much as they want,” which just sounds like a stupid retcon to me. I’m pretty sure that’s not even consistent with the past games anyway. The writers were trying too hard to have an emotional aspect of the game that ends up feeling more comical than anything due to how out of left field it is. The only part of this that kind of works is Olivia’s reaction to it, which is admittedly sad and sets up a cute moment shortly after. Regardless, it’s nowhere near the same level of quality of the emotional moments that happen in TTYD and Super Paper Mario.

The game does have really good production value. Graphically it looks fantastic, and the music is definitely good stuff. It also controls well I guess. Other than one weird instance where the music randomly stopped playing, it’s bug free, which is commendable in this day and age where games come out with all kinds of issues. With that said, I feel like that’s the bare minimum for these games at this point. All the Paper Mario games look great for the respective platform they’re on. All of them are, as far as I recall, stable and not glitchy. Doesn’t really matter if the game itself isn’t good.

Origami King feels like one step forward and three steps back. The developers seem to have no idea what to do with Paper Mario and seem to just be throwing random crap in a hat and seeing what sticks. The irony is that all people really want is a traditional, simple, turn-based RPG like the original two games in the series. Maybe both the Super Mario RPG and TTYD remakes will be successful and finally open Tanabe’s eyes to the fact that traditional RPGs are what people want instead of all this gimmicky garbage. Or maybe they can focus Paper Mario on being a pure action RPG and expand on that with an actual RPG progression system. Or maybe he’ll once again double down on the Sticker Star shit out of spite and make Sticker Star 4. At least those remakes are coming out and zoomers can finally play an actual good Mario RPG and stop pretending trash like Origami King is good.

(5-year-old's review, typed by her dad)

You get to go on a slide and at the end you gotta beat Bowser, because you get to MOVE and MOVE if there's turns, and also there's a slide in the snowy place!

[Dad's note: She would use the Wii U gamepad to go do the secret slide in Peach's Castle over and over again, every day for the entire summer of 2020]

Don't even have that much to say about this one. Went in with no expectations and Sega delivered on exactly that once again. Boss fights are a drag, Senoue is back to Sonic 4 synths, and copy-paste is amok in basically every level. I hate to say something like this because I don't like valuing the work of hard-working individuals on the monetary scale that games come out on... but Christ, $60 is embarrassing for the product at hand. Mania is $20 right now. Fucks sake. At least Sonic controls like Sonic should in this one. Seems to be what Sega's spending all their time on figuring out now.

edit: 1cc'd this one again this week and wanted to update my thoughts. not that anything's changed for anything but the better. honest to god not just a perfect game but one of my favorite games ever made. i think it stands as THE benchmark by which every arcade shooter should be measured - gripping gameplay, gorgeous and restrained, heartfelt visuals and soundtrack, legendary boss battles that paint stories in the shape of danmaku, and an earnestly somber and bittersweet story that stands as the only one in its genre that has ever moved me like this. flawless game, and zun's masterpiece as far as i've played. <3

unbelievable how much of an improvement this is on every touhou game prior. i was told the jump between embodiment of scarlet devil and this game was big, and i suppose i wasn't ready for how tremendous a leap that was. i'll say it - as of right now, this is my favorite arcade-style video game i've EVER played and one of the most rewarding playthroughs i've ever experienced of a game of this type. i wasn't expecting to enjoy and crave the difficulty present here the way that i did, and i certainly didn't expect a surprisingly moving, quietly somber story like the one present in perfect cherry blossom.

this game flows with the delicacy of the wind; the deft moment in which a haiku lingers. breezy, chilly and brisk is the name of touhou 07's game, and the presentation here is beyond marvelous. i see elements of games like kirby's dream land 3 all over this game's aesthetic, colored-pencil like backgrounds and character sprites with a surprisingly acoustic and wind section-heavy ensemble in zun's arrangements. when the intensity ramps up as the climb whisks reimu, marisa and sakuya up from the snowfall and cheeky eastern villages into the sky and beneath the youkai's solemn cherry oak, the music follows suit; songs of dread, songs of triumph, it's all here. the setpieces and deliberate pacing of stages 4 and 6 are an absolute marvel within the medium and genuinely stopped me in my tracks with my prior expectations.

even the boss battles themselves are now pure spectacles - zun has somehow found a way to tell you all of a character's personality through their bullet patterns. it's astounding what characterization this gives bosses like chen, the prismriver sisters, and youmu. not to mention the... legitimate gutpunch of a plot reveal waiting at the absolute end of it all.

another breeze blows blossoms of scarlet and rose through the air. another crisis averted. another soul laid to rest. man. this is the one that elevates touhou to real masterpiece territory.

I don’t fault anyone for considering Metroid Prime to be one of the greatest games of all time. Go ahead and slap a fiver on it, I won’t really object. It’s the kind of game you can’t help but respect and appreciate. It had no right to be as good as it was. Retro studios was a complete nobody developer that spent the entirety of its time putting out fires and only fell into Nintendo’s hands due to their corrupt leadership being so blatant that the larger entity had to buy them out. This shitshow studio was tasked with transitioning one of Nintendo’s most cherished franchises into a new dimension while also challenging nearly every convention of what people expect from a first-person shooter. Somehow, someway, they more or less pulled this off. Then, on top of that, they made Metroid Prime one of the best-looking releases in video games up to that point.

All credit to the man in the arena. Also I didn’t have that much fun playing it and I’m a freak who likes Prime 3 the most. Years ago a friend and I played the entire trilogy back-to-back, and I walked away feeling like I had really missed something with those first two. As if there were great games in there that I just didn’t see. Revisiting it now, I would say I see the great game more clearly, but it’s like a book made out of gold in a language I can’t read, or the most beautiful poetry I’ve ever read written on a scorched notepad.

As far as the remaster goes, it’s strange to say this one feels like a rare breed. With the exception of some very minor gripes, this game is pretty much exactly what you want out of a remaster. It takes the original, gives you some options to improve quality of life, and faithfully upgrades the graphics without anyone on the team thinking they could “fix” anything or reinterpret it. Thank god there are at least a few people out there who can dust off a beloved classic with a bit of humility. All trademark immersive elements that made people go crazy for this game in 2002 are still present and just as on point as they were back then. While it doesn’t have the same level of interactivity as something like Deus Ex or System Shock 2, Metroid Prime more or less obliterates everything that preceded it in terms of atmosphere. The game really makes you FEEL like Samus Aran except without any AGP.

You know what you do in Metroid. You walk around, find some stuff, walk back, and unlock other stuff. Metroid Prime understands this. What it often struggles with is making the process of walking back feel empowering. Movement needs to evolve, enemies need to start feeling like throwing darts at balloons. Upgrades like the double jump, gravity suit, and plasma beam help accomplish this, but the constraints of the level design, movement, and combat have me more often just breathing sighs of relief over things becoming slightly more tolerable. I was hoping to start opening up more shortcuts to interconnected areas using my various powerups to make the process of backtracking less tedious, but Prime is pretty content to have you slowly walk from point A to point B.

You’re far less likely to want to blast enemies with something like missiles. In a 2D game, grabbing the missile that drops from an enemy is barely more than breathing to you. In Prime, the greater verticality/space in general combined with the slower movement speed make this much more of a chore. You can get around this by charging your power beam to draw items in, but that’s more just another step in the tedium of it all. This is BEFORE enemies get beefier and more aggressive. I was pretty bored with all the time I spent hopping around enemy fire.

Even people who love Prime admit that its combat is, at best, nothing special. Sadly you are made to engage with it all-too frequently. Enemies won’t usually leave you be, and you either have to blast away or tank some damage. The lineup of enemies won’t do you the courtesy of staying dead either. Whether you’ve used a save point or not, these guys are coming back within a few minutes. So rev up that arm cannon.

I actually look back on one often maligned sequence pretty fondly. The trek down phazon mines, where there is only one save point at the top and one at the bottom, had me pretty engaged. The combat I had disliked for most of my play time suddenly made me anxious and frustrated in ways I wanted to overcome rather than abandon. There were legitimate demands on me to think things through before I rushed into a scrap. It helps that this ends on the best fight in the game, the Omega Pirate. While it still has the trappings of a typical Metroid boss where you can just run into a wall and hope for the best, it’s not nearly as effective of a strategy. This section may not have the stronger level design of Chozo Ruins or Phendrana, but it may be the only sequence with an emphasis on combat that kind of clicked with me. Although I don’t think I’d like it if such a daunting series of events was the norm throughout the game. I just wish the game didn’t think it needed to keep respawning enemies to keep you interested.

The Phazon Mines sadly fall off tremendously once you’re done with its linear clencher sequence, though. If you liked it at all to begin with. Walking your way back through its tight corridors is a major slog with the previously-mentioned enemies who won’t stay dead, and the map becomes a serious eyesore thanks to the area being strung together with elevators that layer on top of each other on the map screen.

One of the parts I thought I’d hate revisiting but had an alright time with was the endgame scavenger hunt. At that point nothing could threaten me and I really could just waltz through each area I had missed an artifact in. This is helped along by the game’s outstanding soundtrack. Even this, however, reached a breaking point when I realized I not only had to go back to Phendrana Drifts from the other side of the game world, I had to go to the absolute very end of Phendrana Drifts. The game lets you know about this artifact quest early on, but most of the artifacts aren’t obtainable without late game power-ups. There was no surer way to kill my interest in exploring for optional upgrades than feeling like I wasn’t going to have the right equipment anyway.

Actually, I just remembered that at least one of the artifacts expects you to use the Phazon Suit, which is acquired after defeating the Omega Pirate. The hint after the Omega Pirate leads you outside the mines and to the Chozo Artifact area. Which then tells you that one of the artifacts is in the mines. I only dodged this horrible bit of backtracking because I remembered this artifact. Holy shit. Lmao imagine being the kid who listened to the hints and getting slapped with that lmao lol

Phendrana is the biggest winner in terms of level design. This is the most detailed playground of ideas for progression, puzzle solving, and backtracking with your power ups. It offers the same layers of verticality that the Phazon Mines do, only with more openness and a much more palatable time working around enemies. The boost ball, spider ball, wave beam, thermal visor, and gravity suit all have segments dedicated to them here, and it’s the first place where you’ll really be getting mileage out of your double jump. With each pass, you’ll feel like you’re doing more than just unlocking doors, and find a pretty rewarding gameplay experience. All that being said, Phendrana does have a notable downside.

So I’d like to talk about Magmoor Caverns. Magmoor is accessible from most areas in the game, but is the only area through which you can access Phendrana Drifts. This is a massive blow to the game’s level design. In fact I’d go so far as to say I’m not really sure why Magmoor Caverns exists.The couple of puzzles, platforming challenges, and artifacts could have been placed in the blander parts of the other areas. Maybe the intent was that having extra space like this could help immerse players in the game world, but I began to resent Magmoor a little too much as time went on. But again, at least they made it accessible from all other areas.

There’s a cutscene that plays after you get the boost ball, where Ridley flies over you and towards the Talon Overworld. You can surmise that wherever he’s going is not Magmoor Caverns, because obviously that’s underground. However I need to trek all the way through Magmoor Caverns to get back to Talon Overworld, and then immediately double back to Phendrana. This is not the only time something like this happens. I will at least shower some praise here, as that Ridley cutscene is a rare instance where an “automated hint” is a cutscene that only implies where to go instead of a system that literally just tells you where to go.

That hint system is an interesting point of contention. It was probably a necessity that popped up during playtesting. The world was too large, the FOV was too small, and your movement was too slow (especially in the original release with the old control scheme). There was just no way that every player was going to retain certain important information. I understand it’s optional, and many people would just look things up online even in 2002, but I think this kind of thing defeats the purpose of a game like Metroid. Map markers would have been a more elegant solution for information retention, or a map with more color coding/details than what is present. I started playing with the hint system turned off, but I turned it on around the time I decided I would not be doing an immediate follow-up playthrough. While I found most of the hints unnecessary, there are a few where I was left scratching my head as to how the hell I was supposed to know that. The game pretty much gives up a few times and just slaps you with hints immediately after you get power-ups. I believe one of them was right before going to the Life Grove from deep within the Phazon Mines. I can also recall at least one occasion after acquiring a new beam upgrade where the game ended up telling me what specific door I had to use it on. The other doors of that same type were apparently all dead ends.

I think I just prefer the way games like Ocarina of Time (and I suppose, at a later date, Metroid Prime 3) handle this kind of puzzle solving in a 3D space. Particularly when backtracking is involved. The scope of the game is incredible but I wish some of that space was used more economically. I’m sure there are people who like that both the individual rooms and map as a whole are so large, as it makes the world feel more organic and less like it exists purely as a shoot-go-bang video game romp.

I imagine this game gets better and better each time you replay it. Metroid games are meant to be replayed, after all. I just don’t have any desire to revisit it myself. I thought I had missed something when I played this game all those years ago, but I don’t think I missed that much. It’s a technical wonder that isn’t for me. At times it feels like a dream that a game as unique as this exists and is lucky enough to be so worshipfully regarded. Its impact has been pretty much entirely positive. I just don’t find the process of actually sitting down and playing it all that enjoyable.

Oh and I forgot to mention the morph ball. That was amazing. The way it interacts with all the geometry in the game. That’s crazy. How’d they do that? Definitely something we take for granted when it works as perfectly as it does but would have been a nightmare if any little thing was off. Retro’s talent pool really was a cut above.

Honestly, after hearing about how this game is better than the first one, I went in with pretty high expectations and was a bit disappointed. It's certainly not bad, and there is more content than the original. I just think the vibe of the original game is missing here. Too many gimmick stages and it feels like game is way too strict sometimes, making my desire to try stages again wane pretty quickly.

Katamari Damacy also felt like it had a nice progression to it where the stages get bigger and bigger until you're rolling up the entire world. Meanwhile, for this game, I didn't really get that at all. Sure some stages are cool, like making the snowman head and the racetrack, but I prefer the first game's simplicity.

The music of Katamari Damacy was a pretty big reason for why I liked it so much, and this game's music simply doesn't hold a candle to it. Sure there are some genuinely great tracks, like Everlasting Love and Baby Universe, but for me a decent chunk of the songs are forgettable.

Not a bad game by any means, but inferior to the first.

It’s time to face a harsh reality: Steins;Gate was a miraculous fluke. In the space of a single game, Chiyomaru and friends (henceforth, Chiyomaru) elevated what was not yet even a series of games from B-movie schlock to a critical and commercial darling that, nearly 15 years later, still tops “best of” charts across several media. That’s not to discredit Chaos;Head, which obviously laid its foundation, but is indeed much more than a misstep toward something greater. B-movie schlock though it may be, as one of many successors to the much-acclaimed Infinity series – which even in the west could never be avoided in discussion amongst visual novel fans – it is schlock at its absolute finest. Pulpy, gory, disturbing, downright ridiculous, it was a barrage of pure entertainment from start to finish. Besides that, though, it also felt REAL. The protagonist was an underachieving nerd who spent his life watching anime and getting into Internet fights on 2channel (AKA literally me), and he used contemporary technology in ways that the audience would likely relate to. His “friend” at school, contrary to the idiot best friend trope of many romance visual novels, was a player, a normie. The action took place not in some unnamed suburb, but in the grungy side streets of Shibuya, accentuating the horror by grounding the game in a very tangible time and place. The pseudoscience and conspiracy backdrop were both just believable enough to immerse oneself in, to walk away from the game and imagine it happening to us. This is what most importantly colored the early Science Adventure games: relatability. It’s what the team took and ran with going in to Steins;Gate, giving us that lovable cast, that particular time and place, and that constant sense of looming trepidation along with a story that was more measured, intimate, and consistent. Unfortunately, it’s the ABSENCE of this relatability that has colored most of the series since, and Anonymous;Code doesn’t appear to be breaking the trend.

That isn’t to say that this is Anonymous;Code’s only or even main issue. The Science Adventure games are all astoundingly plotted out conceptually: they tend to nail the world, the character profiles, the musical theme, and the initial tone. Chiyomaru’s biggest weakness seen time and again is a failure to stick the landing, as the back half of most of the games either start meandering, failing to follow through on threads introduced in the first half, misappropriating tone or gravity, or relying on what is essentially deus ex machina. It’s often the case – and even Steins;Gate had this problem – that the narrative will culminate in a world-ending, emotional climax only to be resolved at the last minute by a character limply pressing the “Enter” key on his computer (or something equally uncompelling), with the game ending at least half an hour before you thought it would. Anonymous;Code turns this pacing problem up to 11. I understand the balancing act in creating a good visual novel between slice-of-life bits and the narrative proper: a lot of games rely on the former to a frustrating degree to either pad out the runtime or to relentlessly bash the player’s face into the cute girl characters’ quirks so he can be sad when one of them dies. Problem is, Anonymous;Code has ZERO scenes that do not explicitly advance the plot. My initial appreciation for the game skipping most of the “boring stuff” gradually turned to dread as I realized I was halfway through and knew next to nothing about its characters, who by all accounts are fun and interesting archetypes. Main character Poron, his partner-in-crime Cross, and his fat hanger-on Wind play off each other extremely well, their early-game conversations being both funny and endearing. Unfortunately, we get to examine precious little of what animates Poron, and even less about the other two; the game is so obsessed with its own plot that they might as well have disappeared once the stakes have been raised, except for the fact that they serve as part of the body count of cooperators that goes toward explaining how Poron accomplishes the incredible feats he does. As part of a series, you can tell a game isn’t doing so hot on the character front when you start to wonder what the guys from previous entries are up to in the middle of playing it. This became a serious problem for me once the “world-ending climax” part of the game hit, which was so undeservedly overwrought and melodramatic that I ended up putting the game aside for an entire year after getting through it. Anonymous;Code takes for granted that the player cares about its characters without giving any reason to, and without knowing what drives them their motivations and biases start to come off as stupid and frustrating.

While Anonymous;Code is the first “non-sequel” Science Adventure game since Robotics;Notes (are we really counting Occultic;Nine?), it is thematically and spiritually a sequel and companion piece to Steins;Gate, expounding on many of its concepts, but in the context of a very different world. Once again we are dealing with world lines, time travel, the concept of the “observer,” and saving the girl to save the world. In contrast to Steins;Gate, however, which was set in Akihabara amongst anachronistic tech and niche Internet culture, Anonymous;Code imagines a future of 2037 where all technology is mainstream and all culture homogenized. While the characters of S;G traded obscure imageboard memes and found themselves submerged in conspiracy by virtue of the particularly enthusiast nature of 2channel users, A;C shows us a world where 4chan has gobbled up the formerly-Balkanized Internet to reach even Japan, and where the middle-aged woman walking past our protagonist on the sidewalk could easily be a 4chan user. It’s an amusingly depressing reminder of the state of culture today, though one could hardly fault the game for that as it’s only following the conceit laid out by its predecessors in reflecting reality. Problematically though, and as any observant player would immediately realize, we do not live in the year 2037. Even if we take as a given that Robotics;Notes didn’t make a similar (but far less drastic) mistake in its own setting, we also do not live in the year 2029. It only takes reading an interview or two to see that Chiyomaru understood that the hyper-contemporary settings of the initial Science Adventure games were integral to their reception, so I’m left wondering why the team thought it a good idea to subject us to an entry that completely disregards this in favor of pure science fiction. Chaos;Head and Steins;Gate were unique insofar as they needed to put in very little work to make the player suspend disbelief in the setting; this was already baked in by their very nature. Anonymous;Code may as well be set on Mars: hoverbikes, Google VR embedded in everyone’s brains, wanton remote hacking, automated convenience stores. The world itself is as foreign as any horror that might befall it. Everyone’s Google Glasses get hacked; I have no frame of reference for this. It’s all so distant, so evidently fictional, lacking the sort of visceral terror that came with the torture of watching C;H’s snuff film of children begging for their lives, or uncovering S;G’s jellyman experiments. Part of the blame does lie in the fact that we’re dealing with a CERO C game here, but even Steins;Gate managed to navigate past this restriction and, despite being filled with fantastical, futuristic science, managed to keep itself firmly planted in our world. Perhaps the one piece of A;C’s worldbuilding that evokes that nostalgic sense of unease (besides maybe one other which steps into spoiler territory) is its so-called “Sad Morning” of 2036, the accidental leveling of several major world cities by a satellite defense system, largely owing to its believability and the creepy dissonance between its benign name and the event itself.

I also have to take umbrage with Anonymous;Code’s use of the occult, or rather the lack thereof. This game’s antagonistic organization, falling as usual under the illuminati umbrella, is the Catholic Church, which is a great idea! Zealots are scary, and the horrors they can commit with Science Adventure’s pseudo-scientific technology are plentiful. Unfortunately, it feels like the Church exists simply to fill the “bad guy” hole in this game, as it takes advantage of very few conspiracies specific to the real-life organization. The game’s plot is kickstarted by the Three Secrets of Fatima, but it and the precious few other Church-related conspiracies aren’t really taken anywhere interesting. In fact, a lot of A;C feels like a dumping ground for the metaphysical curiosities that Chiyomaru just happened to remember learning about in high school, as if Neil DeGrasse Tyson is whispering moistly into my ear for the entire story. Pop science is the fuel that powers Science Adventure, but all of the theories presented feel particularly atomized here, only relating to the plot as a matter of convenience. A;C also commits the sin of showing the bad guys’ faces too early and too often. The allure of conspiracy is in imagining the enemy, knowing that he wields power, but being unsure of how far his reach extends. Steins;Gate’s CERN was presented perfectly: we become acquainted with their shady experiments via classified documents, are left to mull over how sinister they could possibly be, and are gradually introduced to the cruelty they can enact on our protagonist. Here, however, we have far too many tangible, mustache-twirling antagonists who also receive bafflingly little development or exploration.

I’m afraid Anonymous;Code’s gameplay gimmick is also rather lacking in function. I loved the idea: Poron has the ability to save and load the world like a video game. He shares the save/load screen with the player who, as A;C is a piece of metafiction, is also a real presence in the game. This relationship between Poron and the player is used to very cool effect at the end, and I was pleasantly surprised to see the concept land correctly as I was absolutely not expecting it to. As a gameplay feature, however, it basically amounts to giving the player a binary choice of dying or not dying. At pivotal points the player is meant to guide Poron to open the Load screen in order to avoid death and rethink his strategy. Several scenes in the game will see the player mashing the shit out of the R2 button to get him to finally open it, as he will rebuke the player unless this action is performed within a very specific, sometimes very short window for which no clues are given besides Poron being ambiguously in danger. Due to the lack of slice-of-life segments, there are few moments where Poron’s ability can be used to humorous or self-serving effect, which is an obvious missed opportunity. The player is not given more than one critical point in each chapter to “choose” (loosely used) to load Poron’s save, and so gets no branching paths to experiment with. Effectively, this means the game has no choices. There are no routes, no means of pursuing girls other than the main heroine. The only creative input the player gets is in finding the True Ending, a process I liked but can see being so obtuse as to frustrate most players who don’t accidentally end up there. That the many gaps in the narrative (again, because of no slice-of-life) and the pathetically few endings combine to create a conspicuous lack of content has become a consistent source of criticism among fans, and I can’t help but agree even as a player who typically enjoys linear experiences.

As metafiction, Anonymous;Code necessarily differs in scope from its Science Adventure counterparts, and the consequences of the twist that offers the explanation for this will likely echo across any future installments. Without getting into spoiler territory, I was rather impressed by how mutedly and maturely the game deals with this shift once shit hits the fan. In part, I do suspect it does so because it’s a twist easily predicted by simply watching the game’s trailer (so in other words, there’s no sense in overselling it), but the new paradigm it creates for the series at least offers up something of substance to chew on afterward. I do worry that this game’s raison d'etre was to answer a question that needed no explanation, that Chiyomaru is taking the easy way out, or that the rest of the series is going to devolve into metafictional slop, but I’ll reserve my judgment for now.

One aspect of the game I was actually impressed by was its presentation. Both it and Steins;Gate Elite are iterations on Chiyomaru’s attempt to make a fully-animated game, and I must say I much prefer this more traditional approach. The warping of the characters’ portraits can look silly on occasion, but the animation feels at home with the loose art style that recalls the abstractness of Steins;Gate. Occasionally the visuals are portrayed in animated comic form, which look incredible and make me wish it were practical to make an entire game in that fashion. The color palette is filled with a lot of bright whites and blues, evoking the feeling of a sleek Apple interface and perfectly selling the near-future setting. Music is on par: nothing mind-blowing but appropriately catchy and used to good effect. I’m sure I’ll have it stuck in my head for a few months.

Between Chiyomaru and myself, I’m not sure who lost the plot with this series. I’m not the obsessive Science Adventure fan I was in the years following Steins;Gate’s explosion of apocryphal media, dutifully connecting the timeline and dimension dots. I’ve played the games, sure, but it’s been fifteen years of them, and I’ll be damned if I remember anything but the most important plot points in each. Maybe Anonymous;Code does appeal to those who have kept up better than I have. I’m sure I’ve expressed some opinion here that betrays my ignorance about the series in one way or another. However, I can’t help but feel that Chiyomaru’s output has only gotten worse, which is a shame. If this series is no longer “for me,” as a fan who has been here since 2008, who is it for? Rather than keep pace with its audience, it feels as though each game is targeting a new audience of teenagers, never aspiring to do anything daring or deeper than trodding through an increasingly diluted series of plot twists that annoy more often than they surprise. As the longest running, meaningfully interconnected series of visual novels out there, I’d like to think the Science Adventure games have a duty to do something more. I’m sure I’ll still be here to play Steins;Whatever in five years, still chasing that feeling from years ago that made me look over my shoulder every time Takumi did in his little cargo crate. I just hope at some point it’ll be worth it.

This review contains spoilers

[WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE GAME BELOW]

Stand back everyone, Final Fantasy has entered its Atheism+ ™ phase! Or rather, that’s the sort of uncharitable interpretation of Final Fantasy XVI I would have expected from audiences had the game released during the era it seems to think it belongs to. Indeed, XVI feels in many ways like it’s late to its own party: a JRPG based on and catering heavily to western setting and sensibilities? Check: in a world where international appeal of even culturally dense Japanese IP in all media spheres is practically exploding, the mere idea of a western setting dredges up painful memories of seventh-gen Capcom fare. A streamlined RPG with a greater focus on real-time action? Check: even in the western space, by the time Mass Effect 3 had released this trend was being lambasted constantly by enthusiasts, and the runaway successes of relatively hardcore JRPGs like Persona 5 and Xenoblade add more fuel to the burning question of why Square Enix felt it unnecessary to capitalize on the mainstream trend toward classic gameplay archetypes, especially for a much-anticipated sequel to a thirty year-old game series. A main character whose fashion sense would make Shadow the Hedgehog blush? Check: I’m pretty sure everyone gave Tales of a Berseria a pass on this under the implicit agreement that it should never happen again. The clear evocation of Game of Thrones long after even its most diehard apologists would prefer to forget it? I rest my case. Considering the media landscape we find ourselves in today, Final Fantasy XVI is awash with baffling creative decisions – no doubt due to development cycles in general offering little room to be as reactive as is required these days – but that’s not to say it uses them all to poor effect.

Expectations for Final Fantasy XVI were high to begin with: barring the MMO, it’s the series’ first new, flagship title in nearly fifteen years that isn’t derived from the heavily derided Fabula Nova Crystallis sub-series, and was thus given the unenviable task of redefining the Final Fantasy name while proving it still actually means something. In many ways it can be considered the modern counterpart of both Final Fantasy VII and XIII as inflection points for the series. While VII bore the burden of proving that Final Fantasy needn’t be beholden to high fantasy sword & sorcery, XVI sets out to prove that there is still a place under its umbrella for the settings audiences fell for on the Super Famicom. Final Fantasy XIII reintroduced core series concepts in the warriors of light and crystals while subverting expected canon and dabbling in a sort of light Gnosticism not by any means unfamiliar to JRPGs (see: Shin Megami Tensei). While XVI, perhaps coincidentally, builds its world atop similar ideas, it does so in a much more mature, holistic way. In fact, letting alone Japanese games, I don’t think I’ve seen a video game in general this unabashedly Christian, albeit sectarian, since Super 3D Noah’s Ark.

Final Fantasy XVI takes place in a world on the brink of biblical Revelation: a magical blight is covering the continent of Valisthea, increasingly ferocious monsters roam just outside towns in greater and greater numbers and, as we come to find out, the world is a single revolution away from apocalypse. Playing the role of demiurge is Ultima, a supreme being of extradimensional origin who fashions humanity in his own image but resents humans’ strength of will and connection to the Gnostic Monad that he does not enjoy. Indeed, having been created by a demiurge, it is strongly implied that the humans of Final Fantasy XVI are but a permutation of the true creator’s will: while Ultima gave life to the people of Valisthea, he is neither the creator of the universe nor of the concept of life, and he becomes increasingly obsessive over humanity’s primordial lineage which grants them proximity to holiness: see the facsimile of Ifrit he impotently dons during the final confrontation. Thus, as jealous gods are wont to do, Ultima traps his creation in a cycle of reincarnation, allowing emanations of his archons (a fantastic and inspired way to work the classic Final Fantasy summons into a story, by the way) to inhabit a select few humans of proper lineage who inevitably are used by the many sovereign nations of Valisthea to wage war against one another. This is in service of finding a vessel – one that is compatible by virtue of being of Ultima’s lineage (magic aptitude; there is room to discuss here whether all magic users in FFXVI are essentially descendants of Nephilim), but has also been touched by the emanation of Monad known as Logos (as only humans can be inhabited by the true god) – in order to ascend to a higher plane and escape the encroaching blight that seems to be borne from the magic (witchcraft) inherent to his existence.

Find this vessel he does in the game’s swarthy protagonist, Clive Rosfield, who acts as something of a Christ-cum-Seth character, destined to free humanity from Ultima’s cycle. Clive’s latent power comes in the form of Ifrit, an Eikon which, according to the lore of the world, should not exist, and represents aeon in contrast to the other summons’ archons, an emanation of the Monad versus those of the demiurge, originating from a higher plane and naturally presiding over all Eikons. Final Fantasy XVI thematically frames his rebellion as a manifestation of humanity’s will versus the whims of his creator (part of a tenuously connected, two-front examination of enslavement that the game, disappointingly, never really resolves or even effectively conveys on the chattel slavery front), which by no means runs counter to Gnostic belief, but there seems to be an expectation that we, as the audience, are well aware by the back end of the narrative that Clive is not killing the true God, and in fact owes his victory to His blessing (inshallah). While Clive enters the final battle with the expectation that he will be leaving his world godless and potentially ruined, we know this couldn’t be further from the truth, and our expectations are borne out in the post-credits scene. Clive embodies Logos (Christ) and saves his people from damnation.

As far as the beat-by-beat unfolding of FFXVI’s narrative goes, I’m of several minds. Apparently the game itself is as well. It evokes Game of Thrones quite literally the second the story begins in earnest, with Clive’s training session and strained conflict with his mother echoing the first episode of the HBO adaptation, while also frontloading the game with a generous serving of overt sexuality and faux-nudity that no doubt was toned down by Sony thanks to the women in the game actually being attractive. We’re thrown into a world where something like six or seven nations are vying for control over the continent, including an empire, a kingdom, and an extremist theocracy, and the game wastes no time setting up expectations for a story filled with political intrigue, shifting alliances, and betrayal. Unfortunately, these expectations are never really met, as the narrative veers very quickly into a much more standard “chosen one” JRPG groove punctuated by gratuitous (though very fun) anime fights where, whenever Clive is not on screen, all the other characters must be asking “where’s Clive?” I must reiterate: FFXVI isn’t bad at realizing this type of story, but the shift in dynamic of the overarching conflict is incredibly jarring and makes the gallery of secondary and tertiary antagonists look at least slightly r-worded across the board. It’s understandably difficult to reach GoT-level complexity when the player can only interact with the world through a single character, but a lot of time and resources sure are spent in-game (and in marketing!) explaining all the big players, their goals, and the territories they’re encroaching on at any given moment, only for the resolution of every sub-conflict to be “Clive and his dog cross contested national borders with no resistance and slaughter the country’s ruler.”

Refreshing, however, is that Final Fantasy XVI does not rely on “epic twists” to make its story interesting. “Theorycrafters” will absolutely despise this game, as most of the plot is couched in straightforward, millennia-old, but well-executed concepts. Your party members will not betray you, no one was “actually evil all along,” and there will be no earth-shattering revelations about the world that throw Clive and friends into an existential crisis. The game doesn’t take place inside of a computer and the magic isn’t powered by an alternate-dimension Nazi Germany. It’s downright subversive in its simplicity, and I’d argue it’s both the bravest and (I’m going to assume) least appreciated part of the whole package. Next to cameos, popular media has become overburdened with plot twists as replacement for a well written story to such a degree that they are becoming inefficacious, and JRPGs and visual novels tend to be the big offenders, to the point that being remotely familiar with a writer reliably allows one to predict just how many hours in the player will be subject to some paradigm shift just for shock value. In all fairness, I love stories that go absolutely batshit in their third acts, but Final Fantasy XVI is a reminder that a fun, unpretentious story can be told without subverting expectations vis-à-vis its narrative. I am seeing more than a few opinions making the rounds that FFXVI’s story is “actually not mature;” that the gratuitous sex and violence is an obfuscation, that beneath the superficial edge lies a fundamentally juvenile game, that other Final Fantasy games have done it better. I’m wondering where, between Cecil’s moon-man Darth Vader moment and “dilly dally shilly shally” this even remotely starts to ring true. It doesn’t, of course, and this is complete contrarianism derived from the same deranged, millennial line of thinking that leads to pulling out the ol’ faithful C.S. Lewis quote when it’s time to convince your wife to let you buy the new LEGO Millennium Falcon. Final Fantasy XVI is mature because it isn’t afraid of itself. It tells an age-old fable and tells it well, without getting cold feet, turning rebellious and reaching for shiny trinkets to dangle in the audience’s face. I can already hear the argument that it’s all so platitudinal, this talk of “free will” and “killing gods,” but we’re not dealing with something like Persona 5 here, where Yaldabaoth descends from the sky apropos of nothing in some desperate attempt to deliver a frankly unconvincing greater theme and frantically assure the audience that it really all meant something in the end. The Gnostic fable that has persisted for two thousand years is hardcoded into every corner of FFXVI, deliberately and with pride.

On a micro level, this also means that the story must be competently carried by its setting, characters, and script. In the raging debate over FFXVI’s validity as a Final Fantasy game, the world of Valisthea goes a long way in appealing to series tradition, even iterating on it in ways that were beyond the scope of the 2D games it calls back to but clearly would have been welcomed by their creators. Throughout my playthrough, it felt at nearly every junction the kind of world the teams who worked on the classics would have been ecstatic to have realized: warring factions, tortured protagonists, flashy summon fights, a long-lost sci-fi civilization. Most of Valisthea and the rules that govern it are cherrypicked from across the legacy entries, with perhaps the tangible focus on chattel slavery and the literal scale of its parts – crystals, summons, battles – being the two most obvious superficial curiosities that set XVI apart. I struggle to think of a Final Fantasy setting I’ve disliked so far, and I especially love FFVII’s grungy Blade Runner/Metropolis-style Midgar, but the return to basics here is exactly the palette cleanser I didn’t know I needed, especially coming off the heels of the futuristic FFXIII and hyper-contemporary FFXV, and releasing alongside a big-budget FFVII remake that pushes the buttons fans of that edgier, perhaps more uniquely Japanese style are looking for. Not only is the classic setting itself a joy to revisit, it also reestablishes a baseline from which future titles can deviate in satisfying ways, a baseline that feels like it’s been lost for quite some time in the shuffle of largely sci-fi worlds that were beginning to feel agnostic rather than deliberately (and properly) subversive in the way Final Fantasy VII was.

Early in his playthrough, my dwarflike Italian-American friend expressed a distaste for Final Fantasy XVI’s characters. They’re bland, boring, he said. I can imagine this being a somewhat popular opinion; these aren’t typical JRPG characters. There are no titty monsters, genki lolis, spikey-haired edgelords, catchphrase girls, never-say-die anikis, or talking animal mascots. The characters of FFXVI are not defined by their superficial traits, and we aren’t constantly made to revisit their quirks via dull slice-of-life scenes. I wouldn’t go so far as to call most of them superbly well written, but I do think it’s tempting to unfairly interpret characters with no outstanding gimmicks, characters who do not fit familiar JRPG archetypes, as dull or underwritten. That all characters in the game are quickly united under a singular cause and share the same core motivation compounds the issue, as there is little opportunity for the kind of tension and intrigue that comes with the “getting the gang together” phase of a typical JRPG. Final Fantasy XVI is not character driven, and the game’s larger conflict is constantly looming and taking priority over their individual arcs, but I disagree that this necessarily makes its characters boring as, while subtle, most of the major players do enjoy some decent development. Yes, even Jill who, in addition to being my wife, is beaten down from a sheltered noble with a girlish crush on Clive, to a stoic, confused and aimless nomad who eventually casts off her trauma and retakes her power through revenge, becoming a much more substantial partner to Clive than she ever would have been otherwise, all while never letting go of her core empathy for humanity that Clive himself was dangerously on the verge of losing. I won’t touch deeply on Kotaku’s schizophrenic feminist criticism of this character, but the notion that Jill isn’t a character in her own right because her driving motivation hinges on her love for Clive should be dismissed out of hand and is the same accusation that could be leveled at nearly every other character in the game, including the males like Gav and Otto. I’m assuming Jill’s “real” crime underpinning this “criticism” is in not fulfilling her role in deconstructing patriarchal standards because she’s traditionally attractive and not written to be a constant bitch.

Now admittedly, FFXVI’s characters do tend to thrive in the moment. While the script sometimes has a propensity to get just a little too cute, it’s head and shoulders above most AAA English scripts these days, and manages to hold itself back from being too snarky or memetic while occasionally making me blow air out of my nose in amusement. I say English script, of course, because this game was made with an English-first mentality, and boy does it show. Not only is the Japanese dub one of the most stilted I’ve heard in recent memory; the script (which I had the pleasure of comparing as I played with Japanese subs) is downright sleep-inducing, with little of the English version’s personality shining through, and an occasional tendency for characters to completely contradict themselves between languages. I say this only half tongue-in-cheek, and entirely sarcastically, but I wonder when the perpetually ass-blasted Internet translation patrol will decide to make a stink about this. The scriptwriters thankfully did not capitulate to the midwit temptation to write the dialogue in faux-Old English, opting instead for largely contemporary speech with a few anachronisms thrown in (including a distressingly frequent use of “anon”), which works well for likely fan-favorite characters in the ever-sardonic Cid and bombastic Byron (alliteration completely unintended but contentedly noted) who breathe much of the intimacy and humanity into the game. Put simply, despite the occasional mustache-twirling NPC, FFXVI imbues just enough colloquial character to maintain novelty throughout without tripping into “holy amazeballs” Reddit territory, which feels like a feat in itself these days.

In discussing the characters, I would be remiss to not heap praise upon the VA cast, who further prove that English dubs can indeed be more than just tolerable when actors are sourced from literally anywhere but California or Texas. For a Japanese property, it just sounds fantastic. Ineson, whose voice was practically made for this line of work, was a particularly inspired choice, and I don’t think many would protest my saying that he steals the show as Cid. Ben Starr works wonders with Clive, taking a character who could have easily been played flat and affecting a range of emotion that also never tumbles into melodrama. Minor characters Gav, Charon and Blackthorne were also highlights, both in performance and writing, though as a whole package only a handful of NPC extras broke the illusion and reminded me that I was playing a video game for dumb nerds (letting alone Susannah Fielding’s inability to convincingly cry). FFXVI sounds great musically too, boasting what is easily the best soundtrack of the year. Being unacquainted with Soken’s prior work, it was a pleasant surprise to find within the game such a solid individual musical identity that still evoked the feeling of Final Fantasy. Much effort was obviously spent to this effect, as the game opens almost immediately to a track inspired by the classic Overture, reminiscent of FFVII and further solidifying XVI as its companion piece. Much later, we hear a track which includes bits of Final Fantasy I’s overworld theme. Most satisfyingly, as Clive prepares to set out for his final battle with Ultima we are treated to the Final Fantasy theme proper, possibly the most criminally underused piece of video game music relative to number of series entries which, to my recollection, is the only in-game appearance we’ve seen since the first title. It feels as though on the music front, on all fronts, FFXVI is triumphantly shouting: “Final Fantasy is back!”

Is it, though? It’s all well and good that its superficial dressings evoke nostalgia, but does Final Fantasy XVI ultimately, in its gameplay, where it really matters, embody the spirit of its title? Well, no, not really. In fact, it deviates so far from its predecessors as to be inexplicable. There seems to be a hefty number of Final Fantasy fans who, in their kneejerk backlash to this obvious truth, hasten to point out that their beloved series is no Dragon Quest, that Final Fantasy once matured has never been content to simply port a battle system from one game to the next. True enough, but the notion that Final Fantasy has no functional identity is so baffling it beggars belief that a dyed-in-the-wool fan could even suggest it. After its growing pains, the series settled into a niche within which two functions were pretty much non-negotiable: the presence of the Active Time Battle system, and the ability (and necessity) to create bespoke parties via class assignments which often blurred lines depending on the complexity of the given title. The exceedingly few exceptions prove the rule here. For all the grief FFXIII got, even that entry managed to preserve simplified iterations of these systems, with a focus on macro-level management from the player which I actually came to like quite a bit. Final Fantasy XVI eschews both ATB and class construction in favor of action RPG fare so simple it borders on trite. The game’s combat was designed by Ryota Suzuki of Capcom fame, but standing it next to the likes of Devil May Cry, Monster Hunter and Dragon’s Dogma, one could be excused for imagining Suzuki putting his feet up on day one and delegating the bulk of the work to some guy who slept his way through Kingdom Hearts.

Clive, the only playable character (barring gimmicky fight sequences) has two standard attacks: sword and magic, the latter depending aesthetically – but not functionally – on which Eikon’s power is equipped at a given time. FFXVI’s revolutionary addition to the typical action RPG loop is that, if timed correctly, sword and magic can be linked together in pairs to perform an 8-hit combo that deals greater stagger than standalone sword combos. Admittedly, this does add a bit of welcome immediate depth to the game, until you’ve mastered it about half an hour in and can perform it flawlessly every time for the next 70 hours. Evasion methods include the standard dodge and parry, which both provide discrete opportunities for counterattack. As expected, depleting the stagger bar leaves the enemy immobile and much more susceptible to damage as all incoming attacks are subject to a capped damage multiplier. At this point, the player unloads every special attack in his arsenal until the enemy stands back up. Specials are broadly sorted into damage-dealing and stagger-dealing, with some vaguely affecting positioning or incidentally working on some enemies better than others by virtue of size or movement. All tied to differing cooldown timers, once they’ve been used the player spends the next minute and a half largely just waiting to use them again. The typical combat encounter with a larger enemy consists of throwing out every stagger special possible, downing the enemy, popping a multi-hit special to increase the damage multiplier, and then unloading the strongest damage-dealing specials to chip away a third of the its health. Rinse and repeat. That’s every encounter, play-by-play, for the entire game. Smaller enemies obviously go down much more easily, but FFXVI lacks any accessible crowd control options, leaving the player with no choice but to slowly, monotonously, pick them off one by one. The slog is further exacerbated by most of the better abilities being acquired late in the game, and all of them being nerfed to facilitate the inclusion of a skill tree system. The whole thing could still be salvaged if FFXVI provided a proper challenge, but even the game’s optional bosses are frustratingly ineffectual, so the player is left with an experience full of protracted, facile engagements which mostly serve as padding between one cutscene and the next. Other standard battle modules are barely worth talking about: the game features all of seven types of items, equippables that are uninteresting and mostly linear iterations of each other, and the forgettable ability to issue basic orders to Clive’s dog companion during fights. I should stress that none of these systems alone is inherently bad. I enjoyed much of the first 30 or 40 hours of the game: Clive is responsive and easy to control, there is at least some variety in enemy behavior and movement, and each Eikon comes with a set of superficial gimmicks that can be fun to play with. Unfortunately, all the half-baked implementations of these ideas in tandem combine to present a dull, repetitive experience that doesn’t reward experimentation, or even provide much opportunity for it.

Of course, Final Fantasy XVI’s big gameplay gimmick is the monster fights, where the player takes control of Ifrit to battle other Eikons. Gimmick is indeed the operative word here, because the only thing these segments have going for them is spectacle. Perhaps in an effort to convey Ifrit’s lumbering size, attacks are subject to input delay and the sword/magic combo becomes marginally more difficult to pull off, but otherwise these battles are even further dumbed-down versions of the standard fights, giving the player access to a severely limited kit of special moves and forcing him to rely on chip damage via normal combos. In lieu of letting the player actually do anything cool of his own volition, these battles are punctuated by quick time event cutscenes which, to be fair, are superbly directed and engaging enough to justify their existence. Their simplicity, however, raises the question of why the QTE interactivity was considered necessary at all. If anything, given the relatively few number of monster fights, these sequences feel like wasted opportunity. Imagine an FFXVI that gave the player even three or four action options during these cutscenes, allowing him to effect any number of outcomes throughout the fight. At risk of devaluing the effort that doubtlessly goes into crafting these sequences, I can’t imagine this would have been so much extra work as to be impossible. As they are now, Ifrit battles are peppered with enough cutscenes, so padded for length, that they are frustrating to replay.

It's hard to gauge which aspect of Final Fantasy XVI’s gameplay is more controversial: the combat or the world map navigation. Immediately following the game’s release, Gene Park managed to court considerable backlash for expressing disappointment that the game’s maps are littered with invisible walls – a backlash that would have been almost unbelievable back in 2010 when western critics and audiences alike were tearing into XIII’s “hallway” maps. Unfortunately, we now live in a post-XV world, where the ubiquity of lazy open-world games has given enthusiasts cause to be cautious about promises of sprawling, interactive maps. They’re right, of course; I don’t have much faith in a traditionally open-world Final Fantasy either. They are, however, missing the forest for the trees: reasonable critics of FFXVI’s maps are not looking for colossal, Ubisoft-style maps to trudge through, but rather the simple illusion of grand adventure. Final Fantasy, traditionally, has always delivered the enormity of its worlds via abstraction, whether that be depicting the player character at ridiculous scale on a world map, or letting him freely explore clusters of interconnected zones. Final Fantasy XIII, due to its plot-heavy, cinematic priorities, most deliberately broke this illusion, but these games have always been fundamentally linear experiences. FFXVI’s greatest sin here is a matter of simple presentation. How does the first Final Fantasy game convey the vastness of its world, the sense of embarking on a Tolkien-esque adventure? The player is dropped in an overworld, mostly directionless. He can walk as far as a man’s legs can carry him, but with every step risks death at the hands of goblins. The player will find that he’s on a peninsula surrounded by water, his vision blocked by the edges of a 4:3 screen. The world is seamless: guiding his giant sprite into a town or a cave lets the player shrink to normal size and converse with their inhabitants. Solving a town’s problem opens paths to new landmasses, and vehicles allow the player to directly assert his dominance over the world as he goes from limply rowing a canoe down a river early on to mastering the skies in an airship and flying around the globe at the end. A lot is at play here: the forced scale allows the world to be larger than it really is, random battles make the journey feel longer and more perilous, and carefully placed obstacles create the illusion of player agency. Final Fantasy was served well by this system for nearly fifteen years before experimenting with more ground-level, realistic map navigation. One will not find, for example, an overworld in FFXII, but its appropriately complex, interlocking maps serve the purpose of keeping a more contemporary-looking game to scale for its entire playthrough, with few concessions that would have otherwise justified the inclusion of either a chibi-fied world map or an impossibly demanding open world. This was a completely rational approach for such an anticipated prestige JRPG in 2006.

The problem with FFXVI – and I’m sure you can see this coming – is that we are far, far removed from the world of 2006, and even that of FFXIII’s release in 2009. We’ve seen insane technological leaps, consumers embracing very different kinds of games (especially in the west), and new expectations for both product and art that would have seemed foreign just ten years ago. Final Fantasy XVI takes the two aforementioned map philosophies, smashes them together, and delivers to us the worst of both worlds (not the Picard season 3 episode, but nearly as bad). We get a world map, sure, but no means to explore it from overhead; instead travel is as mundane as clicking a desktop icon. We can freely move back and forth across open zones once the game begins in earnest, but they lack any interconnectedness, kicking the player to the map screen upon moving out of bounds and leaving huge swathes of the world map unexplorable (interesting swathes at that). The most politically and strategically important cities in the game’s setting can’t be entered outside of story events which always entail the destruction of the city in question, following a sort of tenuous narrative logic that could have easily been sidestepped in favor of varying player interaction. The player will not be able to pilot the Enterprise despite the fanfare that accompanies its appearance (and, side note, very disappointed Mid never gets around to fixing Clive’s airship base to make it fly), and the Chocobo – which controls like a Sonic R character – is only used to the effect of sprinting across empty fields more quickly. There are no real secrets to be found, no textured environments to navigate and discover, and every new area is unlocked by progressing linearly through the story. We aren’t getting the illusion of adventure here, we’re getting the illusion of “not actually” playing Final Fantasy XIII all over again.

The most damning thing about all of this is that ANY well-realized method on its own would have resulted in a better map. Square could have foregone the overhead world map altogether and properly linked FFXVI’s small segments in seamless fashion. This also begs the question of why these world fragments needed to be so small to begin with. Sure, it would take considerably more work to make the trek from Dhalmekia to Rosaria possible in real time, with branching paths and terrain worth exploring, but we’re talking about THE quintessential prestige JRPG series here, at least for western audiences. I’m sure many will be quick to excuse FFXVI’s claustrophobic maps in favor of its graphical fidelity, but between Rockstar’s Red Dead Redemption 2 and the incredible work Nintendo’s developers continue to churn out (Xenoblade, Zelda) for a piece of hardware less powerful than a modern cell phone (one that would get you laid at least), I think it’s time to start holding these games to higher standards. We aren’t in the seventh console generation anymore; high-definition 3D video games have reached maturity and even near parity across all but one frequently used platform. I’ll close my discussion on FFXVI’s tangible world with an unorthodox suggestion: keep the fragmented environments, keep the world map, blow it up to a respectable size and make it interactive. Rather than have the player travel via cursors and clicks, let him navigate the overhead map by moving his party in the style of the classics. HD-2D has been one of Square’s most critically praised ventures in years, and perfectly reflects growing audience openness to alternative graphical styles. Gone are the days of 2D PS2 games never reaching western shores for fear of devaluing brand image. On the contrary, gamers are hungry for substance and more than ever are willing to sacrifice photorealism for gameplay depth and stylized graphics. If it’s supposedly too monumental a task to open Valisthea up in a graphically consistent way, why not take advantage of this trend? Make the world map module a classic Final Fantasy game with environmental obstacles, puzzles to solve, treasure to discover, and (hot take) maybe even some Zelda II-style encounters that make use of the PS5’s speed to transition immediately from the classic overworld to FFXVI’s core combat. The overlap of modern HD graphics and 16-bit styles even has precedence in Square’s own recent Dragon Quest XI, so I have trouble imagining why this idea was either never considered or never pursued. In its current state FFXVI’s map is almost insulting as a part of a game that seems so hellbent on dredging up memories of its revered predecessors, and I’d go so far as to call it probably the most disappointing oversight of the whole package. With so many potential approaches to be taken in constructing that illusion of grand adventure, Square’s solution here is inexcusable.

“Inexcusable” might also describe the quest structure. While I wouldn’t go so far as to call the main quests inherently mishandled as their actual content is fun enough and doesn’t betray the gameplay expectations set by the tutorial, that Final Fantasy XVI divides them into traditional arcade-style levels (such that the player can choose to replay them from a menu later) only adds to the feeling of playing a Cliffs Notes version of a real JRPG. I think this is where the indecision between action game and RPG is most apparent: one would expect a Devil May Cry or a Bayonetta to take such an approach, but it almost runs counter to the very nature of an RPG to segment its content so thoroughly. Too many locations on the world map are only playable as “levels,” with the player otherwise forced to longingly stare at them on the horizon like a paypig at the newest Belle Delphine video. Final Fantasy VII Remake similarly included several linear, non-replayable sequences and locations, but I’d likely argue the scale and quantities of these areas are not comparable, and at the end of the day that game was more or less beholden to the logic of the original game’s Midgar serving as a prologue. I expect to have similar criticisms of Rebirth should it also fail to allow the freedom of movement the original game granted once the party leaves the city. I bring this up to note that, despite these similarities between two recent, big-budget Final Fantasy games, FFXVI’s main quest structure really is closest to FFXIII where it matters most, which is not a good thing.

FFXVI’s side quests, on the other hand, all take place across the maps freely accessible to the player, and are taken on either from NPCs at Clive’s hideout or those spread across the handful of small towns the player will be able to return to. To call them boring would be an understatement. I don’t expect from simple side quests any sort of grand new gameplay element or subversion of a game’s main content, especially in a JRPG where control is necessarily limited. Somehow Final Fantasy XVI manages to run afoul of even my very low expectations, sporting side quests that consist of talking to half a dozen NPCs, fighting hordes of unengaging, low-level enemies, or simply walking from point A to B. One such egregious quest comes from Mid around the halfway point asking Clive to find a variety of materials to help build the Enterprise. One would think this would entail some deduction on the player’s part, some detective work in scouring the lands and extracting info from NPCs. Maybe fight a challenging unique monster at the end? In a normal game this would be the case. In Final Fantasy XVI, the player follows the quest marker until he finds the material lying about or the NPC who will simply hand it over to him. Most of the game’s side quests may as well resolve themselves while the player sits back and scarfs down Doritos. I would offer the concession that at least some of these quests involve talking to interesting characters and allow Clive to probe for their backstories or snippets of worldbuilding, but where else would this happen when the game, in all other respects, forbids the player from interacting with its world? When moving about is such a sterile experience, where else could the developers have shoved in all the interesting bits if not into the NPC monologues that sandwich low-level crab fights? Any substance the side quests provide could have been more thoughtfully and organically implemented, and it’s clear they’ve only been included to pad out the game’s play time to ridiculous excess. All the more annoying is that, even conceding and playing by its rules, FFXVI has no idea how to even pace its side quests with, I suspect, half the time spent on them being squeezed in immediately before the final boss, bringing the story to a standstill and engendering even further hatred for having to complete fifteen time-wasting MMO fetch quests back-to-back-to-back. This is without mentioning how ham-fisted the resolutions to many interesting side characters’ stories told via these quests are, with some approaching Saturday morning cartoon territory. As someone who tends to enjoy, to some degree, even time-wasting side quests in the context of fun gameplay systems, the state of Final Fantasy XVI’s own side quests is a damning tell that its core gameplay simply cannot sustain the inclusion of such thoughtless filler, and that neither part is picking up slack for the other.

It occurs to me that I’ve spent the bulk of this review tearing Final Fantasy XVI apart, and I must emphasize that I do not hate this game, nor do I even dislike it. A single playthrough is fun, and indeed most of my criticisms were felt in earnest while playing through New Game+’s useless “Final Fantasy” mode. I liked the characters, mostly enjoyed the gameplay, had fun hunting down unique monsters (despite their low difficulty), and spent way too much time letting the game idle to listen to its soundtrack, or walking around to stare at the beautiful background assets that the game so often urges the player to speed right past. This brings me to my final point, which I’d like to be a positive one: the graphics in this game are phenomenal and incredibly detailed, from the tallest castle down to a merchant’s fruit stand. Final Fantasy XVI is the best looking JRPG on the market and is easily in the running for best looking Japanese game in general. If there’s one thing that Square consistently impresses on, it’s visuals, and every mainline project they release is a reminder that they bear the burden of being the only Japanese developer that is held to such high graphical standards. Delivering on those expectations has had some obvious ramifications over the years, but no one can deny that these games stand the test of time visually. Final Fantasy XIII is still a beautiful game, and XVI will certainly look impressive even a decade out from its release. If I have one complaint about the visuals, it’s that the vibrant, popping colors of the forests, seas, monsters and magics give way to an overcast sky for the better part of the back half of the game that drowns out FFXVI’s striking style by running it through an ambiguously grey, drab color filter. Narratively appropriate, sure, but not all that much fun to look at in comparison. FFXVI’s cinematography (directed again by Takeshi Nozue) is of similarly high quality, and typically exceeds the sort of direction I would expect from a video game, with cutscenes making creative use of proper filmmaking techniques in such ways that I was engaged by even long stretches of non-interactive content. I’ve already touched on this, but I should repeat that even as someone with little love for gratuitous monster fights (at least, when the monsters aren’t guys in rubber suits), I couldn’t have been more entertained than I was with Ifrit’s scenes, and was consistently on the edge of my seat when it came time for him to brutally dismember one of the other monsters.

As a game plagued by so many odd decisions, it’s hard to say why I like Final Fantasy XVI. I could pull out the old “better than the sum of its parts” cliché, and I suppose that really is the case. Perhaps I simply wanted to like it. Perhaps all of its tangential aspects – the visuals, the sound, the story – combine to form a shell around the meaty interior of its gameplay that stops me from driving the stake through it completely. I think FFXVI’s sub-par elements teeter just on the edge of being acceptable, or even good, and its excellent ones provide enough cover, enough enjoyment, to keep me trudging through its low points. In big ways, it’s also a step in the right direction for the Final Fantasy series, casting away esoteric settings, needlessly convoluted plots, and largely automated battle systems in favor of something just a bit more grounded and immersive. Ultimately, and maybe most importantly, I can’t say the developers didn’t try. FFXVI’s barebones combat, restrictive world, and padded side quests don’t feel like a function of some cynical suits conspiring to push out a sub-par product; they feel for the most part like honest mistakes, perhaps most pessimistically made as a result of time crunch. I expect to replay this game in a decade and experience it, much like I did with Final Fantasy XIII, as a quaint little product of its time, with the added context of Final Fantasy XVII doubtlessly coloring my perception, and will probably appreciate it just a bit more. I’d definitely like to see more in this vein from Yoshi-P in the future, and honestly wouldn’t mind spending just a little more time in Valisthea, whether that be via DLC or sequel. I can safely say that Final Fantasy XVI doesn’t come close to dethroning VIIR as the most interesting modern FF project, nor does it reach the heights of Monolith’s Xenoblade, which I personally think has become the true contemporary successor to the classic JRPG formula, but at the end of the day I did platinum the game, so if it’s all that bad then I guess I’m a masochist.