I don't even know how to begin writing about Dark Souls II. The game seems to me to be categorically a mess, with moments of brilliance and excitement mixed among moments of frustrating design much worse than anything in the original Dark Souls.

I will say that my average enjoyment for the game was quite a bit higher than the score I'm giving it indicates, but the low-points are so low that I struggle to imagine playing through the game again from the beginning. Heidi's Tower of Flame, Harvest Valley, Earthen Peak, Black Gulch, Shrine of Amana, the Giant memories, Frigid Outskirts, and a significant portion of Brume Tower were all just broadly not enjoyable or even very frustrating. Dark Souls 2 logic also serves as a big annoyance throughout (how to unlock Huntsman's Copse, burning down the windmill that is made of metal at the point where you light it aflame, how to unlock Castle Drangleic's front doors, and everything to do with unlocking the final boss, all required some amount of direction to be given to me in a way I never struggled with in the first game).

None of this is helped by Dark Souls 2's attitude towards worldbuilding. The original Dark Souls is certainly not without its faults (largely contained within the Lord Souls content thankfully), but it builds up a lot of forgiveness from me because the world is so immersive, so genuinely exciting to see the ways it all starts to link together both in a physical sense and a lore and worldbuilding sense. The world of Dark Souls 2 is more chaotic, with an active and intentional disregard for physical reality as it seeks to show a world in disarray, space contorting in the same way that time did in the first game. I don't outright dislike this, and in fact think it's really cool that Dark Souls 2 decided to take things in a very different direction, but the reduced sense of immersion that comes with this makes the low-points a lot harder to shrug off for me.

Of note, Dark Souls 2 alters a bunch of systems and mechanics from the first game. I'm totally fine with this in the abstract, each game exists as its own entity and doesn't really owe anything to what came before it, but some of these changes did land very poorly with me. Ever-reducing health total that needs to be undone with the usage of human effigies, enemies permanently de-spawning from the world after you've killed them a certain number of times, the adaptability stat, and a greater emphasis on resource management and finite supplies, are all extremely well-meaning changes that make sense but feel kind of awful in practice. I do think people often ignore the things Dark Souls 2 does right though; jump attacks are much better than they used to be, back-stabbing and endurance are both thankfully nerfed, there's a greater emphasis on making two-handed play appealing and de-emphasis on shields and blocking, dual-wielding weapons and power stance are awesome additions, you're given a better level of control over the rpg-aspects of your character, and every single change made to how estus functions (other than it being tied to your adaptability stat, which is clearly bad) was great! People talk about the systems and design in DS2 as if they're a strict downgrade, but I think of it more as a side-step; handling some things worse, but also some things quite a bit better.

And gosh the highlights here are so good. Eleum Loyce ranks up there with the very best content in the original Dark Souls. No-man's Wharf was another big highlight, though there are a few different places that are going to linger with me. Dark Souls 2 also just has a great eye for memorable set-pieces; my personal favourite was the ogre chasing you in Aldia's Keep, it clumsily releasing other creatures from their cages one-by-one as you dash away down the hallway.

I might never return to this game because of its low-points, but its high-points are going to stick with me much longer than for any other game I could say that for. Dark Souls 2 is such a mess, but also such a fascinating mess.

I don't generally like being vulnerable, publicly. Even my most personal write-ups tend to be at least a little bit structured to guide around pain points that I'd rather not disclose, boiling down thoughts to more readable ideas that I don't need to haunt me. I don't really have that luxury today.

My uncle died yesterday, and we were close enough to where today I woke up staring up at the ceiling regretful, toiling around in my own head with a fog of thoughts that even now still permeates. I went through the rest of the day so far trying desperately to act as if nothing happened, driving with FFXIV music blaring out the car speakers, taking care of responsibilities with the best smile I could feign. Then I got home, and loaded up this game again, drawn to it searching for comfort. After an hour I started rewatching cutscenes, reading things about the game again trying to reexperience the same feelings that brought me solace. The game's chock full of them after all, with a dying man sitting at the bench with you giving last thoughts on a world and life he knows has dealt him the worst hand, to a scummy kid who is envious of his brother and still is even after his death not realizing how much he's trying to fill that hole in his heart that's been left. An old couple welcomes me in with smiles on their faces as they continue to grieve, just my presence being enough to remind them of what once was, but still they look forward hopeful.

I'm crying again as I attach myself to these stand-ins for loss, those depressing but not lonesome stories that help me grieve on my own time. This aura permeates through the entire narrative, as characters not so much different from my feelings of today pull off the same images of trying to act like everything's ok, and even the most naive cocky individual of the party has to come to terms with a hospitalized lover who he now wishes more than ever that he could've spent just one more minute with. I wish I had more time too, the last memory of my uncle is going to be me moving around stuff in his house while he can barely move about his home, and then after helping when he offers me and another sibling to stay and watch a movie with him, I say that I have to go home as it's getting too dark to drive. I still don't know whether my leaving was out of apathy, or cowardice, and I don't know which is worse.

And this game rejects apathy, it pushes to understand these feelings I struggle with today, an ENTIRE cult founded to bring the fall of all is juxtaposed with a desire from those who have suffered the most to keep living. A disgusting choice is thrusted towards the player and what's best isn't to remain ignorant but it is to defy this fucking downfall. It's hopeful, in the end, not wallowing in sorrow, even when the ending is still painful.

Not to say that this is a perfect simulacrum of these discordant thoughts, the combat ensues listlessness even in this version that tries to right wrongs of the flawed original. You walk multiple floors fighting enemies on passable at best strategies thinking about how it'd be nice if we were back several minutes ago to feel feelings at a scene again. There's even what would become late Atlus's problematic bullshit with hots-for-teachers and terrible handlings of lgbt, and that only spreads more poison over time for me. It just makes me angry, bile held and punches I wish I could throw at something other than air.

But the game still very much speaks to me, just putting out these thoughts after every couple minutes of tears and thinking of what this MEANS to me, what it represents, what it is, is helpful. I don't know if I can entirely recommend, or hope that the same will stand true for most individuals, not that it matters I guess. Please spend time with your loved ones if you can, I'm surely about to drive once more to be with family and mourn together while I still struggle not to fall myself.