BORN TO FUNNY
WORLD IS A TURNABOUT BIG TOP
West Clownadelphia 2006
I am Moe Curls
410,757,864,530 GROWN MEN ATTRACTED TO A 16 YEAR OLD

F tier yakuza outside the ending and a few characters p much

i was so bored to tears that i practically just skipped a shitton of the dialogue that wasnt immediately story relevant at certain points because this game is hellbent on wasting your time for no reason with random events

all the akame network shit sucks, the agent style is jank and feels bad to use, and the game feels like its 50 hours long despite being the shortest in the series because of all the stupid shit it throws at you

i will say tho, that ending is peak and prolly some of the most emotional shit in the entire series, too bad its stuck in this game.

its kind of a shame because the final boss and the ending are both like genuinely peak shit in the franchise but you have to suffer through so much worthless meandering, bad combat changes and a new style that is not worth using whatsoever.

im also disappointed a setting as cool as the castle amounted to nothing more than just window dressing for like a single mini game essentially

tldr; this game is genuinely worthless outside a kson's fat tits and the ending

Like a Dragon Gaiden: The Man Who Already Had a Near Perfect Ending to His Arc That Got Pulled Back Out of Retirement for a Slapped Together DLC Masquerading as a Game With the Worst Combat the Series Has Had Since the Dragon Engine Was First Used and the Worst World the Series Has Ever Had Because It’s Just Sotenbori but Also Doesn’t Have Substories Organically Designed Into the World and Instead You Just Pick Them From a Menu Screen and it Requires You to Do Shitty Busy Work to Unlock New Ones Which Makes the World Feel Lifeless and Like It’s Made of Cardboard Also Guys I’m Starting to Think That This Series Is Going to Go the Way of Guitar Hero if RGG Keeps Shitting These Things Out

Update: I finished the game and the ending was fine. Good performance from Kiryu but this is the third time they’ve done the general idea of this ending. Also I couldn’t shake the feeling that the events written to set it up felt very contrived.

Was not worth the mountain of shit I had to get through to see it.

Holy fuck this game is fucking awful outside of its ending. I have never seen characters and writing as stupid as this game. I don't even know why i am giving it 3 stars but the good stuff in here almost make up for how miserable everything else is

People cry blockuza 3 but claim this is the best game in the series, lol.

I sure love all the padded busy work to justify the $50 price tag which devolves into kiryu being an mmo errand boy getting people their specific toe nail clipper from the other side of town or give them a magic condom or some shit.

The game has some great moments SPOILERS AHEAD:
-orphanage helper substory
-the arena
-the line about ryuji goda after the fight in chapter 2
-the video on the ipad
-the final boss fight
But these moments being good doesn't magically negate all the other bad shit in this game

One of the best ubisoft open-world games ever made, funnily enough. And yet.

Unicorn Overlord starts strong--it doesn't waste your time jumping into the meat of the game, putting you in the world and basically telling you "go ham" on liberating the nations from the Evil Empire. This ends up playing out like those Ubisoft games I mentioned--the various towns you liberate are 30 second long puzzle fights that are actually quite endearing, which act as towers that mostly unlock the surrounding area. You have a set of pretty tedious things to collect in each region just like that, it ends up being very checklist gaming.

And this works for a while, but the difficulty tuning is just way off. I played on the hardest difficulty before NG+ and it was trivial to do content 20+ levels above me because the power scaling goes crazy if you actually try even a little to do content.

This is also hampered by an actually atrocious story. It's somehow both overwritten and underwritten at the same time, using a thousand words to say something that has the content of ten. I was actually shocked by how literally every plot and subplot is like, the lamest most overly-played out trope of whatever that plot is. There is not a shred of intrigue to be found in the moment to moment writing nor the grand narrative at play, and yet the cutscenes just take it so seriously and feel like they want you to.

It honestly made me hate it all the more. I'm serious, if this game completely removed the narrative and made it play out more like Total War or X-Com or something where you have a vague objective, it'd be significantly better.

The saving grace is of course, the actual game. It's an interesting mix of Super Auto Pets-style trigger setting to create a doom machine with Fire Emblem as an RTS that has infinite amounts of space for clever players to work with. Of course, the issue as I mentioned before is the game doesn't really utilize it. I am by no means a "clever player", I'm a fucking ape in these sorts of games, but even my monkey brain "well if i put three of the cavalry guys who get a 'all cavalry get +50% strength' skill in a party surely its good" was able to literally blitz through the game.

It's good enough that I played through the rest of the game just to see what it was doing. What I'd really like to see is a Unicorn Overlord 2 where they actually push the battle system harder, make you think a little. And maybe actually try and write a story, its not like we don't know Vanillaware can't--13 Sentinels was literally their last game!

I'll be real here, if this wasn't a spoiler free review this would be five times the length but I'm not here to subject you that, in fact we can both do that once you the reader are done with this game one day! I'm here to try my level best to condense my thoughts into something coherent without ANY spoilers, without sounding like a crazy lunatic, on selling to you what is arguably my favorite story in fiction so here goes. There will be ABSOLUTELY ZERO SPOILERS in this review, I'll be making sure of that. Spoiling this game for someone or for yourself has to be a cardinal sin or something SO I HIGHLY RECOMMEND NOT LOOKING UP ANYTHING ABOUT THIS GAME UNTIL YOU BEAT IT, NOTHING ABOUT THE CHARACTERS, NOTHING ABOUT ANY OF THE TERMS YOU HEAR AND DON'T EVEN MAKE A SIMPLE SEARCH ABOUT THE CHARACTERS I'M SO SERIOUS. LOOK UP ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

First off, what is 13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim? Well in a nutshell it’s a VN-esque game pumped full of steroids and cranked up to the max. This game features a non-linear narrative revolving around, you guessed it, 13 distinct characters. There are 2 types of gameplay options: Remembrance and Destruction. Remembrance is the real meat of this game and features the non-linear story with you controlling characters in a side-scrolling scenario whereas Destruction is the RTS (Real Time Strategy) section where you control the Sentinels as per the games namesake. Usually, you're mostly here for Remembrance which is understandable, I was too, but I personally find Destruction quite fun despite some considering it the weaker part of the game which I disagree with, it is genuinely really fun once you get the hang of it. It doesn't take too long once you get the hang of it either and the gameplay itself is quite minimalist, simple and most importantly it ends rather quickly as to not distract you from the story, in fact it adds even more to the story but that's a discussion for another day. That's it for the basic rundown of this game but allow me to go in depth and the reason why I hold this game in such high regard without spoiling anything for you.

This will be talking exclusively about Remembrance for the record but let me to get the simpler stuff out of the way first: the visuals are absolutely fucking gorgeous, so is the artwork and animations, characters have such subtle animations during events in order express their personality with some even happening in the background unbeknownst to the player and all accompanied by stellar voice acting in both languages but I personally find the dub much more enjoyable and would recommend it. The game is a visual treat for the eyes, this is Vanillaware at its peak, the music and even the sound effects are absolutely phenomenal as well but that's enough of the little stuff let’s move onto why you're really here. This game has the most unique way of telling a story that I've ever seen in a game, you can quite literally play the story in any order you like hence the obvious reason it’s called a non-linear narrative along with swapping between Remembrance and Destruction at your leisure albeit you will need to fulfil certain criteria to progress the overall narrative but worry not, the game spells out exactly which pre-requisite you need to do for unlocking the next segments. Every single character has their own distinct stories which branch into multiple other stories, oh and a neat fact, every single one of their stories is a unique spin on an existing piece of media or a movie, the characters themselves are also exceptionally well written for the most part. This may seem daunting but its presented in a way to hook the reader in, the stories overlap and intersect, there are countless clashes between the characters and their own goals and beliefs, some work together, some are at odds with each other and what really drives this home is the fact that eventually you will be seeing these certain events from another characters perspective sooner or later when you pursue the aforementioned characters story which on its own sheds even more light to the overarching narrative along with adding even more context on the event you just experienced. Again, this may seem daunting but it truly isn't, I say it has a unique way of presenting its story but it’s not merely just presented, the real reason is that piecing together the story IS the gameplay and I don't just mean the overall mystery, the game trusts and respects the players intelligence unconditionally. If a certain word is said again in another route? There is no flashback or "I remember them saying this" for the most part, the game reminds the player nothing because it trusts the player to remember the finer details and it does not let up in the slightest along with giving you an extensive archive to help you keep track. The plot is this constantly changing schematic inside your head which changes drastically as you take in and learn new information and plot threads, sometimes even flipping it over its head entirely, challenging everything you may have pieced together thus far. You the player are tasked with piecing this gigantic puzzle together, that in itself IS the gameplay, the puzzle may not make sense at first but you soon suddenly have some manner of "OH NOW I GET IT" moment which feels immensely satisfying BECAUSE you did this all yourself, the game did not feed you this revelation in a traditional manner, you the player pieced it together before the answer was even presented to you. It’s such a unique concept and I wish more games went to the lengths 13 Sentinels does in respecting the players intelligence to do. No matter how farfetched a plot detail may seem the game WILL expand on it in a well-executed manner at a certain point, the game trusts the player and it expects the player to trust the game in return, a symbiotic relationship if you will. Every bit of info, every bit of context from a different perspective and every single plot thread is tailor made to fit into the overarching narrative in such a disturbingly cohesive manner that you gotta wonder how long it took for the writers to make everything not seem nonsensical in fear of it seeming like multiple asspulls. Then again, this game WAS delayed multiple times so mayhap that was the reason, contrary to popular belief I haven't exactly deep dived into this game’s development cycle... yet.

This game is an experience like no other and, full disclosure, this is just me quoting 2 certain well known and respected game developers but I truly believe there will never be another game like 13 Sentinels but I would LOVE to be proven wrong, in a perfect world maybe everything was this game but this is just me being delusional for the sake of it but its heartening to know this games sales went from poor to exceeding expectations due to strong word of mouth by its small albeit extremely dedicated fanbase, giving Vanillaware the push they needed and deserved. This game is a phenomenal work of art, an extensive labor of love and passion by the developers and if you still managed to listen to my ramblings this far, I recommend this game to you with everything I have. Now go get in that Sentinel and strap in for the ride, also here's a cool line from the game to end this review cause why not :P

"It's really happening... Just as you said it would. So we'll do what we have to do. Get in the robots and fight. Our fate was sealed a long time ago."

I got covid twice in 2023 and the second bout was far worse than the first. Its possible, then, that my attempt to play Yakuza 6 in a week was a number of things. Ill-advised. Dangerously exhausting. Experience hampering. Unhealthy. Something like that. I tried to alternate days between this and Fire Emblem Radiant Dawn, but I truly hit a feeling of hatred to Yakuza I never reached before. I had started Y6 because I needed a vacation game. I needed the mindless repetition that I've found so soothing in previous entries. Instead, I hit one of my lowest existential lows I've ever hit. Taking five days away from it before I entered endgame was the correct move for me. I found joy again in the baseball minigame and I wrapped up the final boss with general positive outlook.

But with all that in mind, with all my understanding of how my illness and angst definitely impacted my mood and perception, I still kinda think this game isn't very good.

Hiroshima is a fun setting. Placing Yakuza in a small town is the sort of direction I'd want to see more from. Intimate little stories about locals and their daily troubles is a different vibe from the constant hustle and bustle of Kamurocho and I think its a good place for the emotions of this franchise to go. Yet, the substories don't really lean into that intimacy. The wider story about the power of the Shipbuilding Company and its impact on the local economy, that's good meat! But shockingly, when I think of Yakuza stories about tight-knit communities, the Yakuza 3 substories easily outpaces Yakuza 6's just sort of banal local oddities. There's some fun gems, but its hard to feel like that they add to defining Hiroshima. Kamurocho is a place where anything can happen. Transplanting the high concept substories into Hiroshima without putting in some work into defining the daily life of the setting sort of takes me out of the process.

The minigames of Y6 can't help but feel weaker in other aspects. The hostess dates have shrunk in complexity and scope. In previous entries, hostess dates followed a steady path. You gain hearts, you build trust, and you gain short conversations about the personal life of the hostess. There's an arc to unravel. In Y6, every conversation is randomized in all your interactions, regardless of your heart rankings with the women. As a result, there's no real sense of progression or growing trust. You can learn about hobbies or favorite foods, but you can't learn about past traumas or insecurities. One of the hostesses is a professional wrestler, a storyline that only amounts to "I must keep fighting for my fans." I dislike criticizing something for what it isn't, but previous hostess minigames would often involve subplots with rivals or evil boyfriends or family troubles, slowly padded out over different dates. The hostess minigames were always a completionist obligation for me more than anything, but striping down the story advancement only made the process more tedious rather than less. What am I advancing towards if there's nothing interesting to talk about until the end?

This feeling of absence permeates through Yakuza 6's main story. For what's supposed to be an attempt to wrap up Kiryu's story, the game is shockingly disinterested in revisiting much of the franchise's history. This isn't always a dealbreaker. Yakuza is a soap opera, the rules change depending on what's narratively convenient. Sure, Kiryu could meet with the Florist of Sai to uncover the entire plot of the game. But that wouldn't allow for the game's wider story to unfold. Thus, Yakuza 6 kind of just pretends the Florist of Sai doesn't exist.

There's other areas where the game abandons different parts of the franchise history. The cast of Yakuza 3 get very little focus, with the Ryudo family nonexistent and the Morning Glory orphans quickly vanishing as the plot kicks off. There's a baseball minigame that doesn't even think of referencing the baseball protag Shinada of Yakuza 5. Entire sections of Kamurocho are suddenly blocked off in ways they never were before.

But most frustrating to me is the general arc of Haruka. Its hard not to feel like the franchise didn't know what to do with Haruka after Yakuza 2. In a lot of ways, the devs often struggle to fit a whole woman in their minds. Women are Lovers, Mothers, or Daughters. Haruka of Yakuza 1 and 2 was a sharp, savvy young girl who enjoyed sneaking into gambling dens and playing dangerous odds. Yakuza 3 and 4 demonstrate a dramatic shift as Haruka becomes more of a caretaker around the Morning Glory Orphanage. Yakuza 5 toys with the idea that Haruka still possesses that savvy edge, but its not behavior she's allowed to display frequently. She expresses it in soft, passive kindness towards everyone around her. She doesn't get to fight with the big boys. She sits off to the side. This isn't to say Haruka's character only has value when she's as violent as the men. But its hard not to feel like she's been cordoned off from the main action and shoved into a box.

Yakuza 6 doesn't change the trajectory. Haruka gets coma'd, shunted aside as Kiryu raises her surprise son. The game skips over anything dangerous like seeing Haruka pursue a romantic relationship. We're given scenes that indicate when Haruka would have gotten pregnant, but its still hard to imagine her as a woman taking ownership of her own desires and relationship aspirations. Even now, the game leaves me uncomfortable saying the flat out fact: Haruka is a grown woman who had sex. That's textual and inoffensive. Yet Haruka is still so defined as the Wise Daughter, its impossible to square that circle in my head that Haruka has any kind of sexual desire or longing for companionship. By the time she's woken up from her coma, she's fully ready to exist as The Mother, the third kind of woman that can exist. The game can't handle Haruka leaving the role of Daughter and into something more complete, but it also firmly believes she must eventually become a Mother. So that second stage, that second kind of woman that exists in the Yakuza universe, is shoved into a coma box where no one can see her. If you don't show the step between Daughter and Mother, you don't have to think about it. And Haruka can remain as innocent and pure as the game needs her to be.

Endgame spoiler: Its so fucking weird that Kiryu's last letter is to Daigo.

I love everything Kiryu says in that scene. I love that he acknowledges that he dealt Daigo a bad hand. I love that he recognizes how his inability to think ahead has damaged the world around him. I love that he admits he's neglected his loved ones in the pursuit of some pointless isolating honor. I love that he calls Daigo his son.

But he says all this while Haruka is in the same room, while he still refuses to call her his daughter too. His last letter isn't to Haruka or even the other kids he's raising. He repeats that Haruto is not his grandson. In both Yakuza 3 and 6, he explains that he takes care of Haruka, but repeatedly denies any claim that she's his kid. What's the distinction? Why claim otherwise? Is it to keep Kiryu from truly being defined as a single dad instead of a cool action guy? But why have him insist upon this in the same moment as him gently rocking a baby to sleep? Given Kiryu's monologue about fatherhood to Daigo, one has to assume there's self-awareness here. Kiryu's core flaw is his inability to choose one life. He can't fully leave the yakuza, he can't fully commit to being a parent. Its clearly something he enjoys doing! But he's so caught up in his own mistakes, he never allows himself to exist in the present.

The joy of Yakuza, to me, is in how its disparate elements clash together. Comedy and drama in a chaotic mix, bringing out the best in each other and advancing the narrative in such a specific, confusing tone. But sometimes, its soap opera sensibilities leave me cold. Despite all the ways it puts its whole heart into something, there's so many examples of where you can feel the hesitation. Where you can feel the points that they held back. And when comparing the sheer gusto of the franchise's ambition to these moments of anxiety and regression, it just makes those flaws all the more obvious.

Please use this elevator. Hold up, push this slow ass cart to vacuum up all the mako before you can access it. Exit this cave. Hold up, move this slow ass cart that's blocking the exit. Reach this ledge. Hold up, the ladder is broken, so you'll have to push this slow ass cart all the way there to use as a platform. Hold up, the path is blocked, so have Barret shoot at this boulder for several seconds so that you can continue pushing your slow ass cart. Great job, now it's time run across an empty field to go activate your 6th Ubisoft tower.