Here is a list of every single joke review I considered making:
Shellden Ring
Floodborne
Dark Shoals
Lies of Sea
Black Myth Dugong
Shellkiro: Shallows Rise Twice
Coral Shell

I couldn't pick one.

Anyway, weird how the funny-ass crab game is the best soulslike ever made that wasn't made by fromsoft. A fun art direction, a surprisingly good story, a really cool shell mechanic, and some very strong boss encounters. It's certainly lacking polish in a few areas and the music is occasionally quite bad, but I had a really REALLY good time with this game!

Buddy, I've not had a love/hate relationship like this in a minute......

There's so so much I want to write about but I don't want to make myself all mad/sad.

Yeah, I mighta had a better time if I didn't pour 100 hours into it going over all the side content but that shouldn't be on me?
Gears and Gambits? Gears and Get To Fuck.

See you in 4 years or whatever

history is a nightmare
... and loving it!!!!

A little sad this is the last one of these, but they went out on a high note. Like all the rest it's funny, charming, and actually pretty creepy when it wants to be, and it's cool to have seen in relative real time them figuring out more tricks/ways to take advantage of the medium. I find this whole series really endearing beyond all that because it just seems like a really good example of how if you feel like it, you can make a game. Just go right on ahead and make one! Who's gonna tell you no!!
Also I don't wanna spoil anything, but Virtua Fighter is mentioned in this one, and I've spent most of the past week playing VF non-stop, so it feels like it was made just for me. Which is quite nice!

GO BERSERK!!

Berserk Boy has this amazing ability to successfully pull together things I love like the high-speed allure of Sonic, the boss battles, progression and style of the Mega Man Z/X series, and even precision platforming reminiscent of Celeste. The best part of this fusion of inspirations is that goes beyond just homages to make some that feels totally new and different. Keeping true to a retro aesthetics but with welcome modern sensibilities. The journey is filled with gorgeous pixel art and matched with a RIPPING soundtrack. There's a lot to love here and you can just feel the passion throughout. Just when I thought I'd had my fill with the main campaign things like the EX Missions started to really give me a test and flex the design. There's enough here to be worth it but it stays tight at the core because it cuts bloat. I know I'll be revisiting this one over again when I've got a classic itch! Big Recommend.

((ALSO MY FRIEND MADE THIS GAME I AM FULLY BIASED I DON'T CARE I AM PROUD OF HIM))

It's always been a game of contradictions. A game with a light, inviting atmosphere, playful abilities that are designed to be "just fun to press" in the developer's own words and wide, forgiving hitboxes for those abilities that ensures even the bottom fragger on your squad can participate, making it the perfect squad game on paper. The heroes are lovingly crafted homages to 'superhero' culture around the world, coming with their own powerful and unique skills that'll make up for any deficet in your FPS fundamentals. It's a garuntee everyone will have a favorite.

but that quickly crystalizes into a hardcore competitive FPS any time you're in a state of actual play. Everyone swoops on the low performers like vultures and it's not hard to see why. If you're performing even slightly suboptimially, your team gets ran over instantly and you're unable to even press any of those fun buttons we've just talked about! None of the downtime of a game like Fortnite that allows for whole conversations with friends to take place as you explore and scrape together supplies means that you're always expected to be "on" and in the thick of it in Overwatch. One whiffed ability or lazy play could mean your entire team gets snowballed. Those strong individualized roles for heroes quickly backfire as you realize that counterpicking is key, meaning that you'll usually be swapping off the hero you want to spend time with in favor of what hero you need, or worse, be pressured off into what your team thinks they need. That character select screen goes from a well of infinite possibilities into a spreadsheet with optimal picks and no-hopers very quickly.

It's a hardcore team-based FPS, and yet it's competitive mode is dysfunctional. Strict restrictions on who can play with who means that you can't actually play with whatever team you've cultivated and usually have to settle for scraping together some kind of rapport with randoms. Que the insane amount of bitching I talked about earlier being tripled. You simply can't play this team based game with anyone you might have actually been practicing the game with at a high level.

The final nail in the coffin for competitive Overwatch is, ironically, the heroes themselves. The game had a good sense for risk vs reward when it started, but a series of overwhelming additions seemingly added out of obligation have broken this idea over it's knee. A new overwatch hero has to turn heads in a game that's already filled with broken abilities, so it seems like with each subsequent released boundaries get pushed and rules get broken. That might be part of the fun in a casual game, but in a competitive one it makes for a nightmarish hellscape where a bad decision by the hero designer can turn the game into a boring slog where you fight the same comps using the same strategies for months on end. If you think Kiriko's easy to use, Ultimate ability denying cleanse or illari's autohealing turret are a little frustrating to deal with in quick play imagine dealing with it in every game.

No hero bans in sight give you no control over your experience either, so the community can't even pick out problem heroes until the developers fix them like they can in games like Rainbow Six Siege. Blizzard has remained adamant that players should always have access to the full roster to pick from..or at least they did, until they started locking new heroes behind predatory battle passes. It's fine if it lines their pockets, essentially.

All of these had knock on effects on the game's ambitions as a pro esport. There was no variance in team comps and the few characters with skill expression were outgunned by boring, fire and forget cooldown rotation. It was sluggish from the word go, but it limped along through sheer force by activision until sponsorships dried up in the wake of Blizzard's notorious sexual harassment scandal and viewership hit all time lows.

So the competitive scene is in shambles and the game is a joke at high level play, which funnels sweats back into quick play and ironically makes the experience woeful for the casual player. There has to be some kind of third option to just relieve some stress and fuck around. And there is...if you don't mind playing the same shallow, reheated arcade modes that have been in rotation since 2016. Modes like low gravity and Mei's Snowball fight didn't hold anyone's attention back then and they barely do now. The odd inspired mode like limited duel can be fun for a lot longer, but the rotation means you'll have to wait until the day it's available. Even the casual modes are uneven and designed to exploit fomo.

The obvious third pillar Overwatch has been missing was planned to be an extensive single player mode built in with replayability and RPG progression, with the team able to lean into making abilities more overpowered and fun without any of that pesky obligation to balance. Not only would spending time with your favorite heroes be allowed, it'd be encouraged as you'd unlock new abilities for the time spent. Alas, after a quiet, protracted development cycle it fell through and left the lopsided experience we're left with today.

What little progression there was in Overwatch 1 was gutted out. It used to be possible to earn special skins in event challenges or by just completing enough games. You could probably make a great point about how such extrinsic motivators can directly contribute to low match quality by having people force themselves to play beyond what's satisfying to earn virtual goodies, and I'd probably agree, but the current system is far worse. A lot of the same trappings still exist, just rearranged and forcing you to drop real money on overpriced currency to participate. That cool Tracer skin is still locked behind a grind, but now the GRIND is locked behind a 10$ buy in. It cuts into the fun for the crowd who doesn't want to spend money and exploits those who can't help themselves. it's a lose, lose unless your name is Activision-Blizzard.

In 2024, after almost 8 years, it feels like Overwatch is buckling under it's own weight. I've been playing since 2016, and while I can say for a fact that parts of the game are still good, they're mostly things that came out that year. Making risky plays with Tracer's extensive movement, landing a critical dive with Winston or saving a friend at the last moment as Mercy still feel good, and syncing those risky plays up as a team to cover each other still feels like nothing else in the genre.

The problem is they're experiences that become increasingly rare, suffocating under poorly considered addition after poorly considered addition. Your old favorites feel obsolete in the face of new characters that can do their jobs in less interesting ways or deny their impact entirely with no skill required. Good times with your friends feel fleeting as the game quickly turns into a sweatfest with half the modes bent on breaking up the squad anyway. Any cool addition is underlined with increasingly growing price tags.

It seems like it wont be much longer before the dam busts. A pivotal leadership change from microsoft could stem some of the damage, but from where I'm standing it feels like too little, too late. I loved you, Overwatch, but I can't stand by what you've become. Blizzard needs to stop and decide once and for all what they really want from this thing. Until it does, I'm taking an extended sabbatical.

A kind of halfway point between Karate Champ and fighting games as we know them today. The animations are really cool and it's pretty satisfying to scissor kick someone in the face and make a big smacky sound. Some of the features here are quite impressive for a game from the time - the training mode that beefs up your fighter, for instance. It's pretty simplistic, you do a little minigame and number goes up, but the basic gameplay there is stuff that the UFC games were still using 20 years later! Crazy. Things like being able to customise your moveset and record replays also weren't something I expected going in.

I'll tell you what I did expect going in, though. I expected Eric Roberts. This game is called Best of the Best and yet Eric Roberts nor Phillip Rhee are anywhere to be found. You don't even get Chris Penn! This is shameful. And I'll tell you something else, the full-page ad in the 1994 issue of Superman I was reading that made me play this had a big "TO BE OR NOT TO BE..." plastered over it, and that to me is either supposed to evoke the chorus of the movie's theme song, in which case where is Eric Roberts, or they're just throwing in allusions to completely unrelated kickboxing movie To Be the Best, in which case come on. Nobody could mix those up. Neat game but I take major umbrage at this marketing!

This game is very pretty and charming, and I love the whole instruction booklet thing. But I ran into the same issue here as I did with Death's Door last year, where this genre of game feels a bit lacking all of the time. I love 2D Zelda, so it probably isn't somthing baked into the core of the genre, but it feels like other games in this vein are still missing something, have some catching up to do. My gut tells me it has to do with signposting and overall level design, the clear feeling of working towards something or trying to solve obstacles iterating on a theme. As is, it feels like a lot of wandering around, often with no clear goal in mind. It's still a decently fun and enjoyable time, but with no hook to bring me in long term