INaNBillington
2023
I can't believe a game has actually made me question if I was too hard on The Outer Worlds.
2012
You literally don't need substance when your style is this fucking SICK.
2023
I could criticize a lot about this game like how derivative it is, how easy and simple it can be, or how all the characters and styles play identically, but I really don't think I have anything to gain by bitching about getting damn near exactly what I've been clamoring for for twenty years. While I have no qualms with acknowledging that those issues exist and wishing they didn't, after this long, I'm just thankful for what I've been given.
Bro I am a yuge freaking Dragon Quest mark, bro. I bought Dragon Quest XI twice because the Amazon deliveryman was taking too long to deliver the physical version I preordered. Dragon Quest VIII helped me through not one, but two very rough times in my life. I actively have to fight back tears whenever I hear the Overture. I'm an apologist for pretty much everything people criticize about the series. I can't make apologies for a game that just straight up doesn't fucking work, though.
Dragon Quest Swords looks nice and has a charming enough premise, but the motion controls are so inaccurate and unreliable that it feels like the game is against you at all times. You can thrust all you want, you're getting a horizontal slash. Wanted a horizontal slash? You're getting a fucking thrust and you're going to like it. Simple vertical slashes? Never heard of them, you're getting a diagonal and the group of enemies you were trying to attack with them are going to run away and it'll affect your ranking. That a game with controls this bad has the gall to judge you on your performance is so infuriating it lacks a further expletive. I'll return the favor by judging this as a bad cash-in for the then-wildly popular Nintendo console and playing some fuckin' Boom Blox instead.
Dragon Quest Swords looks nice and has a charming enough premise, but the motion controls are so inaccurate and unreliable that it feels like the game is against you at all times. You can thrust all you want, you're getting a horizontal slash. Wanted a horizontal slash? You're getting a fucking thrust and you're going to like it. Simple vertical slashes? Never heard of them, you're getting a diagonal and the group of enemies you were trying to attack with them are going to run away and it'll affect your ranking. That a game with controls this bad has the gall to judge you on your performance is so infuriating it lacks a further expletive. I'll return the favor by judging this as a bad cash-in for the then-wildly popular Nintendo console and playing some fuckin' Boom Blox instead.
Apocalyptically overrated. Superstar Saga >>>>>
2023
I walked through blood and bones in the streets of Manhattan, trying to find my brother.
He was in Northern Canada.
He was in Northern Canada.
1989
Good idea hindered by bad execution and awful programming. This game feels like it's held together with chewing gum.
2007
Instead of going back to the title screen after the ending, the game just fucking crashed for the millionth time. It's like poetry, it rhymes.
At no point were there any minigames where you shove it up yo ass.
2008
Completely antithetical to the very concept of WarioWare with the ten hours of setup it takes just to do one goddamn microgame.
2004
A game that doesn't make me resent touchscreens ever being invented, impressive.
2001
A good game. I'd even hazard to call it a very good game. A great game, even. Don't know if I'd write a book about it though.
1988
A great concept and top-notch presentation, especially the soundtrack, but that comes across to me as a veneer for subpar level design and atrocious bosses.
1988
Not a good game by any means, but I've always had a soft spot for it. It's a classic example of "Nintendo hard," full of completely bullshit level design, bad collision, bipolar enemy AI and no continues, but at the same time, a lot of it can be easily exploited and trivialized. The graphics are charming and the soundtrack is probably the best part of the entire package.
The design document must have been just one line:
"Golden Axe but good."
"Golden Axe but good."