Defender of the Crown is.... not good. Specifically as it is on the NES (I'll argue it is quite a bit better on other platforms, but personally I have not played all of the ports.)

But even the NES gives us a great soundtrack, and absolutely beautiful still-frame pictures.
As a child, the only thing I ever liked about this game was the image of Robin Hood standing in the forrest.

On one hand we have a few "minigames" which range from "that was ok" to "what the actual hell am I doing and how did I die?"
The majority of the game doesn't feel too different from Risk or Settlers of Catan.

Unfortunately, no matter how you really spin it, Defender of the Crown is an impressive spectacle (especially as seen on the Amiga, I'd say) but leaves a lot to be desired in gameplay.

But man it sure is pretty.

I just realized that "Everybody's Gone to the Rapture" was made by the same people who made "Amnesia : but this time, with pigs".

... which explains a lot.

So this isn't a review of "Everybody's Gone to the Rapture", because that game was mind numbing in that essentially the plot took place before the game starts, absolutely nothing you do has any actual consequence, and even in the end there really aren't any 'answers' of any sort.

Instead this is a review of the grocery list my girlfriend sent me last night, because walking through Aldi was about as interesting and significant in my life.

The list, as copied from a text message:
Mouth wash
Dish soap
Toothbrush
Plastic spoons
Tortillas
Bananas
Grapes
Strawberries
Easy Mac
Milk
Brisk
Fish
Gridlock
Potato puffs
Chicken breasts
Porn tenderloin
Frozen breakfast sandwiches


Not a horrible little list but it does have one standout item. "Porn tenderloin". Autocorrect is just an incredible feature.
Otherwise my girlfriend tends to write lists without much thought or planning. There's chicken breasts listed, but for what purpose? Is there a meal planned? Do we not need any other ingredients to go with that meal? I grabbed green beans and some rice, as well. I'll probably make a honey chicken with green beans and rice for dinner tonight.

That was a better narrative than "Everybody's Gone to the Rapture" because I had a choice to make. There was a piece of information that felt like it lacked substance and context, and another piece of information that existed in a semi-humorous manner.
Take notes, The Chinese Room


Also, did you notice? I lied. This actually WAS a review of the game. What a dramatic twist!

I'm not going to give a rating to the Bible itself, but I am just absolutely amazed that this exists.
It's one thing for this to exist, now, with handheld consoles having larger screens and higher resolutions, with the ability to add animations....
Also shout out to the Bible Shepherd mini game which is totally not Hang Man but with sheep that escape a fence every time you guess a wrong letter.

2/5 because it's bizarre and funny that it's real, but I can't imagine ANYONE has actually read more than a few pages of The Bible in this way. This is impractical, and honestly confusing how anyone thought this was a good idea. Maybe for the search feature? But surely there were still better ways to do this, right? It was 1995, not 1950.

And come on. Not even the New King James?

"See those coins you earned?! Ok great! Now we are going to make you spend them! Follow the green arrows that point only specifically to the items we are telling you to to spend them! No, no, no, you're not allowed to save them yet. You have to follow the walkthrough that shows you how to spend the in game currencies that you've been earning because that's how we make money!"

I get that this is a mobile game, but holy hell this would actually be pretty damn fun if it weren't such a "mobile game". If Mighty Doom were a twin-stick-shooter (well... with only one stick, since you auto-aim to the closest enemy) that let me pay a single premium price to play, earn my upgrades, etc? This would honestly be a ton of fun. The controls are simple but functional, the levels are short but flow quickly from one to the next, and the Bullet Hell aspects feel like they might be just a bit too difficult at first... and then you figure it out and you're all good, just as a bullet hell should be.

But what we have is your typical interruptions to remind you that you can upgrade your player character with various in-game currencies that you can buy with real money just a little at a time so you don't realize that you spent $75 in a month!

I'll pay you $15 to just let me play the damn game. Please?

Fingerbones- I don't even know why I had this. It sat in my Steam Library with only 1 minute of playtime back in 2016... until today.
The game even tells you that there is no saving and that this should take about half an hour to play, so even at worst I figured 30 minutes was worth seeing what this was all about!

And....I guess it was? But only barely. Fingerbones oozes with a depressing and almost worried feeling atmosphere. But the enjoyment really stops there.
The story is spelled out in notes that you find and read, but the gameplay amounts to little more than walking (slowly) and reading said notes.

The story is fairly typical edgy horror fodder, and feels more sad than scary.

A minor gripe about the gameplay, but you need to keep walking back to the first room to input passwords into a keyboard as you figure them out, just to walk across the play area back to where you left off.... to then walk back to the main area to put in another password after you got the next clue... this is really the only reason this game can take about 30 minutes on your first playthrough.


That all being said, there's promise here. The look of Fingerbones is great, and after looking into the developer I see this was pretty early in their catalog. I'm hoping that things only got better from here.

This is not a review of any of these 3 games - Super Mario 64, Super Mario Sunshine, or Super Mario Galaxy. This is a review of this bundle itself, Super Mario 3D All-Stars.

The good:
-All 3 of these games are well loved by their fans, so definitely no bad choices here.
- The addition of the soundtracks was a nice touch.
- All 3 games control well on the standard Switch controllers, if that's all you have available.
- The menus are pretty without being cluttered.

The bad:
- The decision to not include Super Mario Galaxy 2 seems odd. A 3 Game bundle definitely isn't horrible, but there could have been more to make this really special. Super Mario 3D Land could have been nice, or even the option of the DS port of Super Mario 64 would have been at least interesting to see for some people.
- Why did they use the previously Japan- Only revised version of Super Mario 64? I know the changed aren't drastically, but they are a bit off for people wanting to replay a game from childhood. So why use a version that had very limited release instead of the version the vast majority of players experienced?
- There's nothing else here. This exists as a means to play 3 games on your Switch, but really brought nothing else to the table other than the previously mentioned soundtrack. So what really was the point?

Giving 3/5 because the convenience of playing these 3 on the Switch is a really great concept, but this really should have been so much more.

I used to work in a nursing home that had a wii bowling league, and a team of 5 ladies who we actually recorded and submitted to a national tournament.
So shout out to Dot and her perfect game, and to the wonderful team in 2013, you all did great!

Seriously, though. I could completely leave the other sports on here - the bowling is pretty much a perfect little party game and is such an incredible experience for people with handicaps that no longer allow them to play real physical sports or other games anymore. If you can move an arm and a finger, you can still play this (and if you can't, I hope there is someone with you who can help.)