Metroid Dread is coming out and I need to finally play the Metroid games. One problem though (aside from Zero Mission and Fusion having hard to find authentic physical copies): I don't really enjoy Metroidvanias. Well, tell a lie, I like the "vania" half of Metroidvanias. I'm way more into the Symphony of the Night-style combat and character progression through tiny increments rather than big strides and obscure secret-hunting in Metroid. You can make the argument that Metroid is more satisfying in the long term, but the thing is, that's a really long time between terms. In something like Bloodstained, I felt like I was getting slightly stronger and better at the game with each level up and new shard ability/weapon. In Zero Mission, I unlocked the Screw Attack and went "oh boy, now I can get past hidden Screw Attack blocks to find more secrets that I won't be hunting down."

Metroid is notorious for being a fucking asshole when it comes to the critical path. On top of forcing you to backtrack through large parts of the map because Dad didn't get the big promotion so we couldn't afford fast travel for your birthday, they occasionally decide to put the way forward through the rest of the game in a cryptic, bullshit spot, such as the infamous hidden wall in Super Metroid, or in Zero Mission's case, the fucking lava illusion.
"I seem to be stuck, Zero Mission. How do I progress the game?"
"Okay, you know how you just got the Varia Suit? Which protects you from heat, but it doesn’t protect you from the fire juice?"
"Yes, Zero Mission, I understand that there must be a suit upgrade later that allows me to move through lava free of harm, so for now I should avoid the fire juice."
[SLAP]
"Wrong, stupid. You see that fire juice that looks indistinguishable from all other fire juice ponds? It’s not actually real, you retard."
"Forgive me, Zero Mission. I was under the impression that Samus had already learned basic human caveman instincts, i.e. 'fire hot ow.'"
More than once, the game likes to pull this kind of illusion shit and while 4 times out of 5 I would stumble through them on accident without registering that they were illusions, it's still no less of a dick move to hide actual game behind fake game that looks no different from actual game. It's like the Road Runner running through the tunnel Wile E. Coyote painted on the side of the cliff wall. The game also likes to play loosey-goosey with its own rules sometimes. Why is that I can break Mother Brain's glass with my missiles, but this glass tube between doors needs a power bomb? Come to think of it, what's the logic behind some blocks only being breakable with a missile but others being breakable with a morph ball bomb? If the point of getting Super Missiles is to have them be better missiles and unlock Super Missile-sealed areas, why don't they destroy weaker blocks? That's like having a different key for every door inside your own house. I know the answer is "because it is a video game," but that's why I prefer Metroidvania games like Bloodstained or SteamWorld Dig 2, where areas that are currently inaccessible are because I don't have a traversal power, like a glider or double jump. I also don't like how the game tells you where to go, yet opens up pathways for you to explore anyways... only to be met with dead ends because you don't have the proper items yet. Serves you right for going off the beaten path we literally paved the way for... by going down these other paths we also technically paved the way for but you gotta show up with later the tarring machine to finish them.

The sense of character progression is strong when it matters. Going from your puny pea shooter beam to the long wave beam near the end of the game does feel empowering, but nothing empowers you more than the ending sequence. First off, the stealth was surprisingly good. A little too happy with the scripted "you've been spotted" sequences where the Space Pirates follow you relentlessly and 50% of the time decide that your hiding spot that worked last time wasn't good enough this time, but it got the blood pressure going. And then when you get your suit back and all those unknown items you've been collecting turn into your final upgrades that transform you into a flying ball of electric death to which walls provide no cover and gods provide no mercy all while your theme music is triumphantly blasting, is quite sugoi.

I like the story bits sprinkled in occasionally. Seeing brief glimpses into Samus' childhood with the Chozo and the ensuing threat of the Space Pirates and Metroids gives the game just enough context within the greater Metroid canon (which structurally is all over the place but whatcha gonna do it's basically a prequel now). Soundtrack is pretty great, too. Shout out to Kraid's area theme, God damn.

Zero Mission is fun and a good way to ease people into Metroid in preparation for Dread. If Dread's stealth is even better than the segment from this game, we might just have a slam dunk on our hands. This is actually the first Metroid game I've beaten all the way through, because I have tried like three different times to play Super Metroid and for one reason or another, I can never finish it. But soon, the demon will be put to rest...

Steven Universe is my all time favorite cartoon. Hell, it may be my favorite piece of media, period. So when it came time to get some video games, I was surprised just how much love the series was given. Cartoon Network teamed with little mobile developer Grumpyface Studios and thus was born the "Light Trilogy," a canon trilogy of RPGs set in the world of Steven Universe. I have never played the last two, but I was saving them for a special time, now that Steven Universe proper has been done for over a year and this is the last bits of worthwhile SU media I have not yet experienced. I did beat Attack the Light years ago, but I figured I'd judge the trilogy as a whole.

Being a mobile game, this game is short. I blasted through a pretty casual 100% hard mode run over the course of two days. But for a mobile game, this is surprisingly high quality. Enemy variety is great, the music sounds appropriate for the show, and the chibi art style is endearing, but the star of the show is the Paper Mario influence. When your basic attack begins, you can tap the screen just as it connects to do a combo move, and when you get attacked, you can tap at just the right time to halve the damage. On hard mode, you can't see the special indicators of when to tap, but it's still easy to figure out if you basic pattern recognition. The star system is also brilliant. Your actions cost star points and you can only use one item from your inventory per turn, so it's on you to risk and reward conserving stars for a big fuck-off turn, or spend them all immediately to draw aggro or do small, instant damage. There's even a badge system. I also love the role Steven plays in this game. At this point in the story of the show, Steven hasn't yet unlocked his fighting capabilities, so he's the healer, bard and item distributor. I also like the gag where Steven starts out at level 1 whereas the Gems start at level 9001. Cute touch.

The biggest problems with the game are the basic story, controls and items. The story is inoffensive and basic, like the most "this is a video game based on a pre-existing property" kind of story, but thankfully the later two games rectify this issue. The controls work for the most part, but occasionally a group of enemies will be too clustered together, so when I meant to tap on one for a target, sometimes it would target a different close-by enemy, which was annoying. The balancing is kinda fucky, too. Garnet is supposed to be the beefy tank, Amethyst the weaker, critical-hit based multi-target attacker, and Pearl is the character you use to pick off squishies with little cost. I guess I accidentally spec-ed Pearl into DPS, though. Garnet's basic attack is a single-target two-cost, but Pearl's is the same but it's one cost. She would do a little bit less than, the same, or even more damage from one attack than Garnet could, but since I could pop two Pearl attacks in what would take Garnet one, I kept relying on Pearl for damage. The economy is also for shit. At the start of the game you never have enough money, and then once you reach the halfway point, you always have enough money. I wish you could sell items, but you can't. Star fruits that give me extra star points, healing items, and reviving items were the only ones I ever used. I didn't ever touch my status effect items, yet I had about a hundred of them in total just cluttering my bag. The final boss was also piss easy. Since you start the fight will full health, I just popped one of my "next action costs 0 star points" items, used my once-per-fight fusion, and ate half its health bar, dropping its attack and defense stats while doing so.

Attack the Light is a humble beginning for the Light Trilogy and it's clear that Save and Unleash have both built upon and improved the groundwork laid out by this first game. If you're looking for a Paper Mario-esque RPG to play over a lazy weekend, I do recommend this game, especially for the low cost of $3. You don't even need to be a fan of the show to enjoy the game. But the other two are definitely more fan-oriented. But that's okay because Steven Universe is literally the best thing ever just watch it you cowards.

Dummy fun multiplayer game. Ranking system actually works, netcode surprisingly immaculate, mechanics are easy to learn, middling to master, there are zero bad maps, and while teams are encouraged, there is always potential for an individual to shit on everyone around them.

My only gripes are a slow level up system (you telling me there are 900 levels in a season; hell naw) and on the blue moon occasion when the game does lag, it is the most unplayable multiplayer game ever. Like, worse than Super Smash Bros. Brawl online. Some new modes would also go a long way to make this stand out.

This is not a single player game, this is absolutely a burst of team-based multiplayer 3v3 perfection. I really hope this game takes off like Fall Guys did sans the community-killing social media.

REVIEW OF REMAKE
Kid Icarus: Uprising is my favorite game of all time. It is also a game that may never get a sequel, and maybe not even a Switch port. The worst part is, its such a unique specimen, there aren't even any "Uprising clones" that have been made since, at least to my knowledge. It took a while for Dark Souls to get a series of clones and now even Breath of the Wild is seeing duplicates start to crop up. So until an Uprising clone can come out in the future, I'm going back to the past to play as many Uprising-like rail shooters as I can.

Panzer Dragoon has always been on my radar since I started searching for Uprising-likes and I always thought it looked like a cool fantasy alternative to Star Fox. And to its credit, it has a pretty cool aesthetic. It's like Nausicaa meets Skies of Arcadia with a touch of sci-fi. Flying from desert canyons to lush green forests to a dimly-lit underground facility to a military city floating on the sea keeps things interesting. The gameplay, while straightforward, is pretty good, too. You point and shoot or hold the fire button to lock on and fire a homing attack. Girls und Panzer Dragoon's big gimmick is four-direction shooting. Your dragon will always fly forward, but you can turn yourself around to shoot enemies and projectiles that come at you from the left, right, or behind. Two downsides to this, though. One, your reticle moves with your dragon, so in order to shoot at things, sometimes you need to put yourself in their line of fire, resulting in you getting hit. Two, not being able to move your dragon when not facing forward makes getting hit a common occurrence, especially on the rare occasion when enemies are shooting from two sides at once. Thankfully, your dragon is made out of Elon Musk polygon cyber car. I played on normal and ate all kinds of shit yet only died once because running into obstacles hurts you more than projectiles.

The story has a neat premise but the opening cutscene drags for way too long and the story is more an excuse to take us from one cool landscape to the next. Loading times are the biggest problem with this remake. I don't know how it was on the Saturn and other consoles, but on Switch, it would take at least 30 seconds for a level to load, and even then, some of the lighting and shadow effects are wonky. Also imagine my surprise when I found out this game is only one hour long. Yeah you can replay it on harder difficulties and with a bevy of new cheats, but there's no real reason to outside of increasing your shot-down ratio. Music is entirely unmemorable; point a gun at my head and I couldn't remember a thing.

While a decent time, Panzer Dragoon is not worth $25 on modern systems. If you're interested, I'd say wait for a sale of around $10. I heard the sequels are more in-depth and that the same guys behind the remake are doing Zwei this year, so hopefully it goes over better.