TheQuietGamer
I get it. This is a mid-to-low-tier, bargain bin PS2 game released on the 9th generation of consoles with a severe lack of technological polish and about two decades too late to cash in on the craze of the Peter Jackson trilogy. All stuff that is deeply unacceptable in this day and age. Yet, between the budget-caliber Prince of Persia knockoff platforming and surprisingly compelling moral decision-making, I remained invested enough to see the journey through to one of its possible conclusions and even have some fun with it despite the bugs, occasional infuriatingly designed segments, and at times remarkably unfinished graphics.
The real star of the show, though? Undoubtedly developer Daedelic Entertainment's rendition of Middle-earth. It carries just the right mix of the mature, dark tone and look of the Jackson films paired alongside hints of the more fantastical, whimsical nature found in the Rankin/Bass animated adaptations. It did a better job of recapturing the magic of this world that I've missed for me than the live-action Hobbit movies. They also got the titular character himself very right. Really encapsulating what a sad, tragic, pitiful, and strangely sympathetic creature he is. The tale itself, outside of getting a little outlandish even for this fantasy universe in its final act, is a neat little prequel expansion on the protagonist’s history prior to the books. Choosing between which of his two warring split personalities to side with at critical junctures doesn't radically alter where the adventure ends by the time the credits roll due to canonical lore reasons, but still adds some cool little personalized wrinkles to the path up to that point regardless that I really enjoyed seeing.
Having said all that, it nonetheless remains hard to recommend that people look past its incredibly negative reception and try it out for themselves, as only an extremely small portion of players of whom I just so happen to be able to count myself among will be able to look past the significant number of aspects that don't work like they should or were intended to, and find the traces of good buried underneath. One takeaway everyone will receive however, is that we need more Lord of the Rings games. We need more that explore unique characters or corners of the novels, and feature different gameplay styles than that of your usual hack 'n' slash or RTS efforts the way this tried to do. You see, the biggest disappointment of Gollum is that it exhibits truly good, intriguing ideas, but fails to capitalize on them in ways that are fully satisfying or completely functional.
6.5/10
The real star of the show, though? Undoubtedly developer Daedelic Entertainment's rendition of Middle-earth. It carries just the right mix of the mature, dark tone and look of the Jackson films paired alongside hints of the more fantastical, whimsical nature found in the Rankin/Bass animated adaptations. It did a better job of recapturing the magic of this world that I've missed for me than the live-action Hobbit movies. They also got the titular character himself very right. Really encapsulating what a sad, tragic, pitiful, and strangely sympathetic creature he is. The tale itself, outside of getting a little outlandish even for this fantasy universe in its final act, is a neat little prequel expansion on the protagonist’s history prior to the books. Choosing between which of his two warring split personalities to side with at critical junctures doesn't radically alter where the adventure ends by the time the credits roll due to canonical lore reasons, but still adds some cool little personalized wrinkles to the path up to that point regardless that I really enjoyed seeing.
Having said all that, it nonetheless remains hard to recommend that people look past its incredibly negative reception and try it out for themselves, as only an extremely small portion of players of whom I just so happen to be able to count myself among will be able to look past the significant number of aspects that don't work like they should or were intended to, and find the traces of good buried underneath. One takeaway everyone will receive however, is that we need more Lord of the Rings games. We need more that explore unique characters or corners of the novels, and feature different gameplay styles than that of your usual hack 'n' slash or RTS efforts the way this tried to do. You see, the biggest disappointment of Gollum is that it exhibits truly good, intriguing ideas, but fails to capitalize on them in ways that are fully satisfying or completely functional.
6.5/10
2005
As much as this sounds like some chintzy fan mod project and how your expectations likely only dropped further upon seeing it's a Java/J2ME cellphone offering, I encourage you to put aside your negative preconceptions about what a mobile game, particularly one from that era, can bring to the table. This goes unbelievably hard. The switch to the grid-based movement and turn-based combat systems of old-school dungeon crawlers actually proves to be a clever way of bringing the franchise’s action over, while working around the technological limitations of the hardware which made all of the attempts at a traditional FPS that I've personally experienced basically unplayable. What's more is that it manages to do this without sacrificing any of the intensity the brand is known for. There's still nothing quite like that feeling of walking into a room full of tough demons, taking inventory of your gradually draining supplies of health, armor, ammo for power weapons, etc., and thinking "how the heck am I going to pull this off?!" even in this new format.
The swap in genres also leads to a greater emphasis on more engaging storytelling. Although the plot itself is nothing to write home about, the methods used to tell it are. I genuinely enjoyed interacting with the various NPCs and supporting cast members while reading every computer terminal scattered around for extra contextual information about the situation. I could have done without all of the fourth wall breaks and self-aware jokes as they make the tone more lighthearted/silly at points than I would prefer, but this different approach goes a long way towards making exploring and fighting through the world of DOOM feel for the first time not so empty (in terms of human life) or lonely a process. The property's longtime fans might also get a kick out of the variety of original additions to the player's arsenal they won't find in any other entry, with exception to maybe RPG's own direct sequel. The highlight, in my eyes at least, being the special collars that let you take control of canine foes.
The amount of content is surprisingly pretty decent as well. Seems as if the vast majority of these retro cellular romps can be completed in anywhere from under an hour to mere minutes. This however can keep you playing for upwards of 2hrs+ depending on if you strive for full 100% completion or not. Admittedly, part of that is due to the potential need to level grind. Eventually I found that going back to previously beaten areas to boost my stats and stock up on resources made a lot of sense to better prepare myself for the challenges ahead. Normally, this is something I'm fairly strongly against because of repetition and often the perception of padding, but here it didn't bother me so much since prior stages always contain many hidden secrets you could have missed the first time through and whole new sections that can open up upon acquiring different colored key cards. Everything comes together to create an outing truly worthy of the series and one that I was just as addicted to as the 1993 classic masterpiece.
9/10
The swap in genres also leads to a greater emphasis on more engaging storytelling. Although the plot itself is nothing to write home about, the methods used to tell it are. I genuinely enjoyed interacting with the various NPCs and supporting cast members while reading every computer terminal scattered around for extra contextual information about the situation. I could have done without all of the fourth wall breaks and self-aware jokes as they make the tone more lighthearted/silly at points than I would prefer, but this different approach goes a long way towards making exploring and fighting through the world of DOOM feel for the first time not so empty (in terms of human life) or lonely a process. The property's longtime fans might also get a kick out of the variety of original additions to the player's arsenal they won't find in any other entry, with exception to maybe RPG's own direct sequel. The highlight, in my eyes at least, being the special collars that let you take control of canine foes.
The amount of content is surprisingly pretty decent as well. Seems as if the vast majority of these retro cellular romps can be completed in anywhere from under an hour to mere minutes. This however can keep you playing for upwards of 2hrs+ depending on if you strive for full 100% completion or not. Admittedly, part of that is due to the potential need to level grind. Eventually I found that going back to previously beaten areas to boost my stats and stock up on resources made a lot of sense to better prepare myself for the challenges ahead. Normally, this is something I'm fairly strongly against because of repetition and often the perception of padding, but here it didn't bother me so much since prior stages always contain many hidden secrets you could have missed the first time through and whole new sections that can open up upon acquiring different colored key cards. Everything comes together to create an outing truly worthy of the series and one that I was just as addicted to as the 1993 classic masterpiece.
9/10
Yeah, that's right kids. It may be April Fools' Day, but this is NO JOKE! There's actually an official Shadow the Hedgehog promotional flash game from Sega out there for you to find.
Featuring:
Two action-packed levels that will provide you with MINUTES of riveting gameplay!!!
Stupid borders around the screen that obscure your view of what's ahead so that you have to make blind jumps with the stiff controls LIKE A MAAAAN!!
A never-ending motorbike stage that doesn't stop until you die so that you can get the sickest high-scores imaginable and rise to the top of the leaderboards!!! (Disclaimer: leaderboards don't work anymore)
A random glitch that makes it so your guns straight up WON'T. SHOOT. Totally rad!
Digital postcards you can email to a friend! (Disclaimer: the ability to send digital postcards also no longer works.)
Download Flashpoint Archive to play today!
2.5/10
Featuring:
Two action-packed levels that will provide you with MINUTES of riveting gameplay!!!
Stupid borders around the screen that obscure your view of what's ahead so that you have to make blind jumps with the stiff controls LIKE A MAAAAN!!
A never-ending motorbike stage that doesn't stop until you die so that you can get the sickest high-scores imaginable and rise to the top of the leaderboards!!! (Disclaimer: leaderboards don't work anymore)
A random glitch that makes it so your guns straight up WON'T. SHOOT. Totally rad!
Digital postcards you can email to a friend! (Disclaimer: the ability to send digital postcards also no longer works.)
Download Flashpoint Archive to play today!
2.5/10
You know what one of the worst things to happen to gaming is? The internet. It's also arguably one of the worst things to happen to humanity in general, but that's a rant for another day. Between YouTubers and video game journalism sites spewing wildly exaggerated praises or criticisms in their write-ups for views, it’s led to a culture where certain titles either get hyper-glorified or mercilessly crapped on for no real reason and with no room for anyone to safely argue against whatever the general consensus may be for fear of reprisal. The Twin Snakes, a remake of the PS1 classic with mechanics added in from its sequel, hasn’t suffered as much from this as others, but there’s still a pretty vocal group out there actively pretending this is some absolute travesty and I really don’t understand why. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve heard their complaints. I just think they’re absurdly overblown.
My theory is that it’s all the result of a sort of snowball effect. Where years of people making perfectly reasonable deductions in online forums and comment sections about areas where the game came up short or could have been better has been regurgitated by the likes of video essayists (shout out to ProudLittleSeal for teaching me that term) in an overstated manner; leading to a hive mind cult that believes and is determined to convince everyone this is an insult to the original’s legacy. It’s not. It honestly wouldn’t bother me if they weren’t so unwilling to let anybody think otherwise, but I swear every time I’ve witnessed someone bring TTS up in a positive light one of its detractors goes out of their way to basically tell them how incorrect their opinion apparently is. Ridiculous, and because that annoys me going to be taking what may be a somewhat similarly antagonistic approach for this review as I discuss the various complaints from its critics and put my own two cents on why I disagree with them out there. Which will be interesting to do since it’s not like they’re stating anything explicitly untrue, merely exaggerated in my opinion.
The most common grievance I’ve seen leveled against this is that the variety of newly implemented gameplay features (first-person aiming, hanging off ledges, ect.) and items (tranquilizer gun, PGS1-T,…) actively break the experience by removing any difficulty from the majority of scenarios. Now, they certainly make things easier and there’s a case to be made that the Revolver Ocelot fight was cheapened as a result of the better aiming system, but I feel as though the brighter enemy AI and their ability to replenish their ranks counteracts your increased amount of capabilities a bit. I also think most don’t realize the challenge they remember from the originator was more a factor of its age than anything. The adventure here is less demanding due to the fact that all was introduced modernizes it so you’re no longer fighting (as much) against an aging design. They’ve made the actual act of playing the first Solid more natural, which is exactly what a remake is supposed to do. It’s not that the opposition was neutered, things are simply no longer as dated. Consequently, the whole narrative about these changes being for the worse doesn’t hold any water in my mind.
However, an area of its denigrators’ frustration I can partially agree with is related to the storytelling. Yet, just not for the reason most commonly cited. That stuff about the cutscenes aping the action of the early 2000s movies that were popular at the time somehow ruining the plot? Not buying it. I get the argument that the altered soundtrack robs the writing and world as a whole of some atmosphere, but my guys and gals are we REALLY moaning over an element of a MGS outing being absurd?! For me the more pressing issue (outside of them removing the sexy camera angles focusing on Sniper Wolf’s body in the torture room scenes) is the re-recorded voice acting. They got nearly the entire cast to return, but either through bad direction or a lack of enthusiasm for the project their performances are phoned in, flat, and suffering from a reduced sense of emotion. It’s still the same great tale of memorable twists and fourth wall breaking moments that have been slightly modified to better fit the GameCube, it only no longer hits as hard thanks to that unfortunate flaw.
As significant as the plot was to Solid’s acclaim back in the day, its weaker delivery here isn’t enough to make me to resent this update when the gameplay improvements are so strong. The question then becomes would I recommend this over the previous iteration? That’s where things get a little complicated, since the answer is no I wouldn’t. Not on account of me viewing it as a kind of adulteration, rather concerns with the modern price of entry. On top of the 1998 release’s retro polygonal graphics and clunky mechanics remaining an huge part of why it continues to be incredibly dang charming after all these years, this version is evidently something of a collectors item nowadays. Meaning that secondhand copies can go for stupidly high. You could honestly grab the PS1 discs and the console itself together for cheaper in most instances.
If you truly don’t care what you pay though, this is still a perfectly viable and acceptable way to get your hands on Hideo Kojima’s borderline masterpiece. The hatred and negativity you’ll find for it from a very outspoken portion of the Metal Gear community is unjustified and hyperbolic. Not to mention rapidly becoming harder and harder to take seriously each passing day in our current era of remakes. I mean, I don’t see anyone upset about RE 4 2023 smoothing out the survival-horror classic and enhancing its playability. Perhaps not the most fitting comparison and it’s tough to warrant why this take would prove valuable to those already familiar with the game in its prior format, but is also perhaps more apt than many would care to admit. Regardless, my ultimate goal has been to express why I believe the views of a group that are attempting to strip this title of its merits are excessive and overly pedantic, which if I haven’t been able to do that by now then no amount of further typing or elaboration is going to help me. So in closing, all I have to say is don’t buy into the opprobrium, ‘cause bad this ain’t.
8.5/10
My theory is that it’s all the result of a sort of snowball effect. Where years of people making perfectly reasonable deductions in online forums and comment sections about areas where the game came up short or could have been better has been regurgitated by the likes of video essayists (shout out to ProudLittleSeal for teaching me that term) in an overstated manner; leading to a hive mind cult that believes and is determined to convince everyone this is an insult to the original’s legacy. It’s not. It honestly wouldn’t bother me if they weren’t so unwilling to let anybody think otherwise, but I swear every time I’ve witnessed someone bring TTS up in a positive light one of its detractors goes out of their way to basically tell them how incorrect their opinion apparently is. Ridiculous, and because that annoys me going to be taking what may be a somewhat similarly antagonistic approach for this review as I discuss the various complaints from its critics and put my own two cents on why I disagree with them out there. Which will be interesting to do since it’s not like they’re stating anything explicitly untrue, merely exaggerated in my opinion.
The most common grievance I’ve seen leveled against this is that the variety of newly implemented gameplay features (first-person aiming, hanging off ledges, ect.) and items (tranquilizer gun, PGS1-T,…) actively break the experience by removing any difficulty from the majority of scenarios. Now, they certainly make things easier and there’s a case to be made that the Revolver Ocelot fight was cheapened as a result of the better aiming system, but I feel as though the brighter enemy AI and their ability to replenish their ranks counteracts your increased amount of capabilities a bit. I also think most don’t realize the challenge they remember from the originator was more a factor of its age than anything. The adventure here is less demanding due to the fact that all was introduced modernizes it so you’re no longer fighting (as much) against an aging design. They’ve made the actual act of playing the first Solid more natural, which is exactly what a remake is supposed to do. It’s not that the opposition was neutered, things are simply no longer as dated. Consequently, the whole narrative about these changes being for the worse doesn’t hold any water in my mind.
However, an area of its denigrators’ frustration I can partially agree with is related to the storytelling. Yet, just not for the reason most commonly cited. That stuff about the cutscenes aping the action of the early 2000s movies that were popular at the time somehow ruining the plot? Not buying it. I get the argument that the altered soundtrack robs the writing and world as a whole of some atmosphere, but my guys and gals are we REALLY moaning over an element of a MGS outing being absurd?! For me the more pressing issue (outside of them removing the sexy camera angles focusing on Sniper Wolf’s body in the torture room scenes) is the re-recorded voice acting. They got nearly the entire cast to return, but either through bad direction or a lack of enthusiasm for the project their performances are phoned in, flat, and suffering from a reduced sense of emotion. It’s still the same great tale of memorable twists and fourth wall breaking moments that have been slightly modified to better fit the GameCube, it only no longer hits as hard thanks to that unfortunate flaw.
As significant as the plot was to Solid’s acclaim back in the day, its weaker delivery here isn’t enough to make me to resent this update when the gameplay improvements are so strong. The question then becomes would I recommend this over the previous iteration? That’s where things get a little complicated, since the answer is no I wouldn’t. Not on account of me viewing it as a kind of adulteration, rather concerns with the modern price of entry. On top of the 1998 release’s retro polygonal graphics and clunky mechanics remaining an huge part of why it continues to be incredibly dang charming after all these years, this version is evidently something of a collectors item nowadays. Meaning that secondhand copies can go for stupidly high. You could honestly grab the PS1 discs and the console itself together for cheaper in most instances.
If you truly don’t care what you pay though, this is still a perfectly viable and acceptable way to get your hands on Hideo Kojima’s borderline masterpiece. The hatred and negativity you’ll find for it from a very outspoken portion of the Metal Gear community is unjustified and hyperbolic. Not to mention rapidly becoming harder and harder to take seriously each passing day in our current era of remakes. I mean, I don’t see anyone upset about RE 4 2023 smoothing out the survival-horror classic and enhancing its playability. Perhaps not the most fitting comparison and it’s tough to warrant why this take would prove valuable to those already familiar with the game in its prior format, but is also perhaps more apt than many would care to admit. Regardless, my ultimate goal has been to express why I believe the views of a group that are attempting to strip this title of its merits are excessive and overly pedantic, which if I haven’t been able to do that by now then no amount of further typing or elaboration is going to help me. So in closing, all I have to say is don’t buy into the opprobrium, ‘cause bad this ain’t.
8.5/10
2011
You know, for the big, bad black sheep of the Postal franchise I was expecting something a whole lot worse. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some deluded apologist fan trying to convince you this is actually a misunderstood masterpiece or even a good game at all. I'm just saying it's more a cheap and disappointing product than the unplayable affront it's known as. Honestly, I've played a little over half the property's entries and expansions at this point, and PIII is about par for the course in terms of quality. Sorry, not sorry.
Its biggest problem is budgetary, which has continuously proved to be the only thing that has been more detrimental to the series' reputation and reception than even its controversial content. Running with Scissors passed development of the project off to Akella, the company responsible for publishing their works in Russia, and one of its internal studios fittingly named "Trashmasters" because those guys had deeper pockets. Unfortunately, the country's Great Recession from 08-09 completely mucked up any chances for the potential greatness that you can still catch the occasional glimpses of while playing.
The whole package was built around the idea of replayability, featuring a branching storyline that will lead you to one of three possible endings depending on your choices and behavior. The notion of getting to see entirely new content in the form of different missions and cutscenes is as compelling in this format as it is in your typical Western narrative RPG, although it's more than a bit weird that they decided for outcomes to be determined by a morality system. I mean, actively encouraging players to be upstanding, law-abiding citizens in a Postal game?! What sense does that make?
Ultimately however, I didn't find the gameplay enticing enough to pull me back in to go for another ending, and not simply because I feel I happened to pick the most interesting path of the bunch on that first playthrough either. The financial struggles behind the scenes led to this being nothing more than a generic, linear third-person shooter. Admittedly one that can be mindlessly entertaining due to the fun gore and silly guns, even if some weapons don't seem to work (I'm convinced it's impossible to hit anyone with the fire axe). Might have earned a cautious recommendation were it not for the plethora of technical issues. As if long levels without checkpoints weren't enough, I experienced multiple crashes to desktop and repeated instances of critical doors inexplicably failing to open that forced regular mission restarts.
Never knowing if something was about to go wrong and cause me to have to replay possibly lengthy stretches of a stage if I didn't remember to manually save every few minutes is what really kills this for me. I legitimately enjoyed the return to a more grounded style and tone after Apocalypse Weekend, and found the writing fitfully amusing by virtue of how nasty and vulgar they were willing to be with the shock humor in their blatant efforts to offend. It is perhaps worthier of the Postal name than the vast majority give it credit for. Regardless, while I believe the overall general vitriol this has received over the years is a tad overblown, I wouldn't recommend the curious members of the fanbase check it out. The dev's lack of proper funds led to this being too unstable and lackluster to be a fulfilling use of your time. It may be too early to tell for sure as I've still got quite a few releases left to try, but based on all I've gotten to thus far I'm beginning to suspect this property doesn't have anything consequential to offer after its second outing.
5/10
Its biggest problem is budgetary, which has continuously proved to be the only thing that has been more detrimental to the series' reputation and reception than even its controversial content. Running with Scissors passed development of the project off to Akella, the company responsible for publishing their works in Russia, and one of its internal studios fittingly named "Trashmasters" because those guys had deeper pockets. Unfortunately, the country's Great Recession from 08-09 completely mucked up any chances for the potential greatness that you can still catch the occasional glimpses of while playing.
The whole package was built around the idea of replayability, featuring a branching storyline that will lead you to one of three possible endings depending on your choices and behavior. The notion of getting to see entirely new content in the form of different missions and cutscenes is as compelling in this format as it is in your typical Western narrative RPG, although it's more than a bit weird that they decided for outcomes to be determined by a morality system. I mean, actively encouraging players to be upstanding, law-abiding citizens in a Postal game?! What sense does that make?
Ultimately however, I didn't find the gameplay enticing enough to pull me back in to go for another ending, and not simply because I feel I happened to pick the most interesting path of the bunch on that first playthrough either. The financial struggles behind the scenes led to this being nothing more than a generic, linear third-person shooter. Admittedly one that can be mindlessly entertaining due to the fun gore and silly guns, even if some weapons don't seem to work (I'm convinced it's impossible to hit anyone with the fire axe). Might have earned a cautious recommendation were it not for the plethora of technical issues. As if long levels without checkpoints weren't enough, I experienced multiple crashes to desktop and repeated instances of critical doors inexplicably failing to open that forced regular mission restarts.
Never knowing if something was about to go wrong and cause me to have to replay possibly lengthy stretches of a stage if I didn't remember to manually save every few minutes is what really kills this for me. I legitimately enjoyed the return to a more grounded style and tone after Apocalypse Weekend, and found the writing fitfully amusing by virtue of how nasty and vulgar they were willing to be with the shock humor in their blatant efforts to offend. It is perhaps worthier of the Postal name than the vast majority give it credit for. Regardless, while I believe the overall general vitriol this has received over the years is a tad overblown, I wouldn't recommend the curious members of the fanbase check it out. The dev's lack of proper funds led to this being too unstable and lackluster to be a fulfilling use of your time. It may be too early to tell for sure as I've still got quite a few releases left to try, but based on all I've gotten to thus far I'm beginning to suspect this property doesn't have anything consequential to offer after its second outing.
5/10
2022
Holy crap, what a weird rabbit hole playing Grimace’s Birthday caused me to fall into…
This is a free web browser game playable on phones from McDonald’s that was released as part of a Happy Meal marketing campaign to promote the film. An idea they stole from Jack in the Box by the way. In it you play as a 3D model of Sonic that looks uncomfortably like something out of a unlicensed project lurking in the bowels of a second or third-rate flash gaming site, and with a deeper voice than the one in Sonic Frontiers. The gameplay consists solely of choosing to either turn left or right at certain junctions, which you don’t even need to do as continuing on straight is just as effective a strategy, as you try to collect as many rings as possible in sixty seconds. There’s an augmented reality element where you can replace the sky in the background with whatever your device’s camera is pointed at, but it adds nothing to the experience.
The only question I’m left with after trying this is, well, WHY?!?! I can see kids maybe getting a few minutes of distraction out of this, but even they will put it down quickly and never touch it again due to how pointless the whole thing is. Like, there’s no reward for wasting your time on this. At least with Jack in the Box’s we got a free Uber Eats delivery out of the ordeal. Here there isn’t so much as leaderboards…
The reason I’m bothering to write about this at all is because it’s kind of hilarious the lows Sega’s mascot gets taken to right whenever you think he can’t go any lower. So if you find this sort of thing as morbidly amusing as I do here’s a link in case you want a good laugh (or cry), as this is legitimately a new rock bottom for the character.
1/10
This is a free web browser game playable on phones from McDonald’s that was released as part of a Happy Meal marketing campaign to promote the film. An idea they stole from Jack in the Box by the way. In it you play as a 3D model of Sonic that looks uncomfortably like something out of a unlicensed project lurking in the bowels of a second or third-rate flash gaming site, and with a deeper voice than the one in Sonic Frontiers. The gameplay consists solely of choosing to either turn left or right at certain junctions, which you don’t even need to do as continuing on straight is just as effective a strategy, as you try to collect as many rings as possible in sixty seconds. There’s an augmented reality element where you can replace the sky in the background with whatever your device’s camera is pointed at, but it adds nothing to the experience.
The only question I’m left with after trying this is, well, WHY?!?! I can see kids maybe getting a few minutes of distraction out of this, but even they will put it down quickly and never touch it again due to how pointless the whole thing is. Like, there’s no reward for wasting your time on this. At least with Jack in the Box’s we got a free Uber Eats delivery out of the ordeal. Here there isn’t so much as leaderboards…
The reason I’m bothering to write about this at all is because it’s kind of hilarious the lows Sega’s mascot gets taken to right whenever you think he can’t go any lower. So if you find this sort of thing as morbidly amusing as I do here’s a link in case you want a good laugh (or cry), as this is legitimately a new rock bottom for the character.
1/10
The best 2D Prince of Persia, and it's not close. The franchise’s first entry in roughly 14 years, save for a few mobile titles in between, goes the Metroidvania route. Let me tell you, it does a far better job of it than the previous attempt did. This is also the first installment to really take Warrior Within's concept of giving players a big, interconnected world to explore and fully run with it. The results are absolutely phenomenal.
Mount Qaf is an immediately enchanting place packed with a plethora of different biomes and interior settings, each featuring their own unique quirks such as staircases that change orientation depending on which way you're facing or rivers of poisonous sludge that will have you playing a toxiphobic version of the floor is lava, that I OBSESSED over exploring every inch of with the same verve I do when gradually taking all trailheads at new hiking spots I come across in real life. It's something that I was always rewarded for too in the form of treasures I could use to make myself more powerful, and because of that it is highly recommended you take the time to do so as well.
From platforming challenges that practically demand perfection to borderline Soulsborne caliber boss battles, the map is positively brimming with danger. Often the smartest decision you can make is to regularly hold off on your primary objective to check out all the new side-paths and quests that open up upon receiving the next experience-redefining ability in order to find stuff that will allow you to become stronger. A prospect that's made easier than ever thanks to the game-changing for the genre inclusion of being able to snap a picture of (or just place an icon next to) whatever obstacle or puzzle you don't know how to get past yet on the map to give you a reminder to come back to it later. I'm sure there are those who will take issue with this feature by viewing it as the devs cheapening the adventure by catering to the "casuals," but players are limited in the amount they can place down at one time and it's totally optional whether you use this or not.
There are actually a lot of options that allow you to customize the difficulty to your liking, be it going for a more guided structure with markers pointing you to the subsequent story mission or stripping back any info on where you're supposed to go next entirely to so much else. Everything right down to how tough regular enemies are can be tailored to make the package as accessible, hardcore, or immersive as you want it to be. It's similar to what we saw in Ubisoft's recent Avatar game, and is an approach to how they now design their products that I feel the company isn't being given enough (or truly any) credit for.
You have the same amount of flexibility when it comes to determining your playstyle as well thanks to the amulet system. These upgradable trinkets afford a near RPG level of depth to crafting your own build. I have a buddy who went for a nimble ranged warrior that could slow down time to line up the perfect shot and would punish foes foolish enough to get in close by dealing swift, painful retribution with every dodge. Far cleverer than the almost pure melee tank I opted for with its high damage resistance and output alongside the increased capability to charge special attacks with each sword swipe and well-timed parry, but as a dude who loves to be right up in the action, I wouldn't have traded it for the world.
What makes everything I've just talked about so fantastic is the nigh immaculate core platforming and combat mechanics at the heart of it all. You can clearly see the touches of Super Meat Boy in the former, but the manner in which you'll be regularly required to chain together the various midair dashes, double jumps, and phases through realities without touching the ground undeniably calls to mind the massively underrated Forgotten Sands. The sheer seamlessness with which you can do this on the fly is astounding, removing much of the frustration that would otherwise occur from repeated failures at the especially Herculean sequences you'll encounter. Fights feel mostly fantastic and provide a consistent healthy test of your skills. I had to get used to parrying slightly before when felt most natural due to the physically lengthier triggers on the Xbox controller taking a split second longer to fully pull inwards than PlayStation's or tapping a key on a keyboard in comparison. Also screw the occasional unavoidable boss attack, those flying ghost enemies you can't effectively deal with until the late-game, and the entirety of the brief Raging Sea area. Yet, despite these petty complaints the act of toppling Persia's massive deities and mightiest heroes is so immensely gratifying that my minor quibbles honestly don't matter.
Legitimately the only aspect of The Lost Crown I actively didn't enjoy was the plot. It's not bad, just runs into the same problem as the 2008 reboot where I didn't care enough about anyone onscreen (except Fariba) to become invested in what they were doing in the cutscenes. There's also some weird cultural appropriation thing going on. The main character is sporting the Killmonger haircut, Neith is obviously a black woman, Menolias wouldn't look out of place in Disney's old animated Mulan movie, and Queen Thomyris looks suspiciously Caucasian with that makeup. I get diversity is important, I simply find it weird there are so few people who seriously appear Persian in a game called Prince of Persia. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised however, since the French have been a little backwards in this department for a minute now (relax, half my DNA is French so I can say that).
It's crazy to think that 2024 has basically just started and we already have an early contender for GOTY. I would recommend this as strongly to those unfamiliar with the genre as I would its seasoned veterans. It made transitioning to a more demanding style of gameplay than I traditionally go for painless to the degree that I went and unlocked every achievement. In the spirit of complete transparency, I will admit that I would have preferred another 3D outing as I would still take the Sands titles over this any day, even the Forgotten one, but if this is the direction they're intent on going you will hear no grumbling from me.
9/10
Mount Qaf is an immediately enchanting place packed with a plethora of different biomes and interior settings, each featuring their own unique quirks such as staircases that change orientation depending on which way you're facing or rivers of poisonous sludge that will have you playing a toxiphobic version of the floor is lava, that I OBSESSED over exploring every inch of with the same verve I do when gradually taking all trailheads at new hiking spots I come across in real life. It's something that I was always rewarded for too in the form of treasures I could use to make myself more powerful, and because of that it is highly recommended you take the time to do so as well.
From platforming challenges that practically demand perfection to borderline Soulsborne caliber boss battles, the map is positively brimming with danger. Often the smartest decision you can make is to regularly hold off on your primary objective to check out all the new side-paths and quests that open up upon receiving the next experience-redefining ability in order to find stuff that will allow you to become stronger. A prospect that's made easier than ever thanks to the game-changing for the genre inclusion of being able to snap a picture of (or just place an icon next to) whatever obstacle or puzzle you don't know how to get past yet on the map to give you a reminder to come back to it later. I'm sure there are those who will take issue with this feature by viewing it as the devs cheapening the adventure by catering to the "casuals," but players are limited in the amount they can place down at one time and it's totally optional whether you use this or not.
There are actually a lot of options that allow you to customize the difficulty to your liking, be it going for a more guided structure with markers pointing you to the subsequent story mission or stripping back any info on where you're supposed to go next entirely to so much else. Everything right down to how tough regular enemies are can be tailored to make the package as accessible, hardcore, or immersive as you want it to be. It's similar to what we saw in Ubisoft's recent Avatar game, and is an approach to how they now design their products that I feel the company isn't being given enough (or truly any) credit for.
You have the same amount of flexibility when it comes to determining your playstyle as well thanks to the amulet system. These upgradable trinkets afford a near RPG level of depth to crafting your own build. I have a buddy who went for a nimble ranged warrior that could slow down time to line up the perfect shot and would punish foes foolish enough to get in close by dealing swift, painful retribution with every dodge. Far cleverer than the almost pure melee tank I opted for with its high damage resistance and output alongside the increased capability to charge special attacks with each sword swipe and well-timed parry, but as a dude who loves to be right up in the action, I wouldn't have traded it for the world.
What makes everything I've just talked about so fantastic is the nigh immaculate core platforming and combat mechanics at the heart of it all. You can clearly see the touches of Super Meat Boy in the former, but the manner in which you'll be regularly required to chain together the various midair dashes, double jumps, and phases through realities without touching the ground undeniably calls to mind the massively underrated Forgotten Sands. The sheer seamlessness with which you can do this on the fly is astounding, removing much of the frustration that would otherwise occur from repeated failures at the especially Herculean sequences you'll encounter. Fights feel mostly fantastic and provide a consistent healthy test of your skills. I had to get used to parrying slightly before when felt most natural due to the physically lengthier triggers on the Xbox controller taking a split second longer to fully pull inwards than PlayStation's or tapping a key on a keyboard in comparison. Also screw the occasional unavoidable boss attack, those flying ghost enemies you can't effectively deal with until the late-game, and the entirety of the brief Raging Sea area. Yet, despite these petty complaints the act of toppling Persia's massive deities and mightiest heroes is so immensely gratifying that my minor quibbles honestly don't matter.
Legitimately the only aspect of The Lost Crown I actively didn't enjoy was the plot. It's not bad, just runs into the same problem as the 2008 reboot where I didn't care enough about anyone onscreen (except Fariba) to become invested in what they were doing in the cutscenes. There's also some weird cultural appropriation thing going on. The main character is sporting the Killmonger haircut, Neith is obviously a black woman, Menolias wouldn't look out of place in Disney's old animated Mulan movie, and Queen Thomyris looks suspiciously Caucasian with that makeup. I get diversity is important, I simply find it weird there are so few people who seriously appear Persian in a game called Prince of Persia. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised however, since the French have been a little backwards in this department for a minute now (relax, half my DNA is French so I can say that).
It's crazy to think that 2024 has basically just started and we already have an early contender for GOTY. I would recommend this as strongly to those unfamiliar with the genre as I would its seasoned veterans. It made transitioning to a more demanding style of gameplay than I traditionally go for painless to the degree that I went and unlocked every achievement. In the spirit of complete transparency, I will admit that I would have preferred another 3D outing as I would still take the Sands titles over this any day, even the Forgotten one, but if this is the direction they're intent on going you will hear no grumbling from me.
9/10
It’s official. Silent Hill is no longer the name of a franchise set in or dealing with the dark history of an eponymous fictional town in Maine, left forever tainted by the twisted machinations of a cult and where sinners and the damaged alike find themselves drawn to face judgement for their actions or potential healing for their deep-seated emotional wounds respectively. It's now a label Konami can throw on any horror project that deals with themes of trauma, grotesque monsters, and an otherworld concept for brand recognition. Gone is the connective tissue of location and lore that previously unified the games together. A similar visual style is really all that remains.
The Short Message isn't the outing that revealed this to me. It was a suspicion I had as soon as titles like “f” were announced, and had been already confirmed for me ahead of time with the launch of the shameful Ascension which I abandoned keeping up with near the start of 2024 as a form of mercy for myself. I'm not going to lie, that's been a tough pill to swallow as a longtime fan. Yet, I did my best to go into this with an open mind though, knowing full well from what little blurbs I had seen online (I've actually avoided reading a lot of your reviews beforehand to remain as blind and uninfluenced as possible) that this was going to most likely be an experience tailored towards attracting and pandering to a new, more modern audience. That's exactly what I got.
Naturally, as a result I hated this at first. The inexplicit symbolism that defined its predecessors has been stripped away entirely in favor of blunt, in-your-face storytelling perfectly suited for this artless influencer era where everyone gets their opinions from whatever rich internet personality is tactlessly screaming the loudest, and the dialogue is the exact type of obliviously pretentious drivel one would expect from your average wannabe intellectual teenager or college-aged Twitter (X?) addict. It's almost completely devoid of real depth and seems painfully unaware that nothing it's speaking on hasn't been covered elsewhere, and better there.
That's devastating. Genuinely hurts to witness. Miraculously a strange thing happens around its second of three chapters, however. The writers suddenly stop beating you over the head quite as hard with the subject matter (the amount of times the number for the suicide prevention hotline is thrown onscreen...) and begin letting each character's pain speak for itself. Meanwhile a big plot revelation divulges how the protagonist is as much of a perpetrator as she is a victim, in the same vein as the James Sunderlands and Murphy Pendletons prior. The tale shockingly finds its groove and gains a trace of that previously sorely missing complexity, even if only in part because its topics are sure to strike a chord with anyone ever negatively impacted by the rise of social media (so basically just about everyone) or wasn't the most popular in high school. There's even a nice, if ultimately highly flawed, stab taken at exploring the concept of generational curses. As someone who was afflicted by many of the same things as the leading lady for years, that ending certainly tugged on the heartstrings as well.
The gameplay side of the package also suffers from feeling a tad too overly simplistic due to the demographic being pursued here, albeit to a slightly higher degree. TSM's whole concept seems to be "what if P.T., but it's not a puzzle?" You progress through its looping scenario and setting in a very linear, directed manner with no room to mess up or ponder over what to do since whatever you need to collect or interact with next is always clearly defined with a visible icon on the screen. This would almost be a straight "walking simulator" were it not for the chase sequences, survival-horror's current favorite trend that it's been stuck on for a while now thanks to Amnesia. These moments can definitely be intense, but cause the package to run into the same problem as Shattered Memories where despite the fantastic atmosphere and occasional well done jump scare it's not long before any sense of fear quickly dissipates from most of the runtime because you become fully aware of when you're truly in danger or not. Still, I found myself fairly entertained regardless and genuinely think that last sprint through the larger maze area is pretty dang good at getting the heart racing.
And the end of the day, yes this is undeniably a dumbed-down version of the beloved property. If you don't like it, well that's probably because it's not meant for you. This is Silent Hill aimed at a new, younger generation. A crowd that, let's be honest, has been programmed to require all their information and successes be spoon-fed to them. That being said, maybe it's the fact that this is a totally free experience (that got a cool stealth release) or simply because I'm not that far removed from the market they were shooting for, but if this IS the future of the series then I'm onboard. Although somewhat begrudgingly. In spite of my initial misgivings, Short Message ultimately won me over by the strength of its affecting, if severely ham-fisted narrative and competent action/scares. I can't wait to find out if all that stuff with the cherry blossoms ties into “f” in an interesting way either. So in conclusion, against the odds this brief glimpse into what's next for my personal favorite staple in the genre has left me thinking the kids might be alright in the end.
7.5/10
The Short Message isn't the outing that revealed this to me. It was a suspicion I had as soon as titles like “f” were announced, and had been already confirmed for me ahead of time with the launch of the shameful Ascension which I abandoned keeping up with near the start of 2024 as a form of mercy for myself. I'm not going to lie, that's been a tough pill to swallow as a longtime fan. Yet, I did my best to go into this with an open mind though, knowing full well from what little blurbs I had seen online (I've actually avoided reading a lot of your reviews beforehand to remain as blind and uninfluenced as possible) that this was going to most likely be an experience tailored towards attracting and pandering to a new, more modern audience. That's exactly what I got.
Naturally, as a result I hated this at first. The inexplicit symbolism that defined its predecessors has been stripped away entirely in favor of blunt, in-your-face storytelling perfectly suited for this artless influencer era where everyone gets their opinions from whatever rich internet personality is tactlessly screaming the loudest, and the dialogue is the exact type of obliviously pretentious drivel one would expect from your average wannabe intellectual teenager or college-aged Twitter (X?) addict. It's almost completely devoid of real depth and seems painfully unaware that nothing it's speaking on hasn't been covered elsewhere, and better there.
That's devastating. Genuinely hurts to witness. Miraculously a strange thing happens around its second of three chapters, however. The writers suddenly stop beating you over the head quite as hard with the subject matter (the amount of times the number for the suicide prevention hotline is thrown onscreen...) and begin letting each character's pain speak for itself. Meanwhile a big plot revelation divulges how the protagonist is as much of a perpetrator as she is a victim, in the same vein as the James Sunderlands and Murphy Pendletons prior. The tale shockingly finds its groove and gains a trace of that previously sorely missing complexity, even if only in part because its topics are sure to strike a chord with anyone ever negatively impacted by the rise of social media (so basically just about everyone) or wasn't the most popular in high school. There's even a nice, if ultimately highly flawed, stab taken at exploring the concept of generational curses. As someone who was afflicted by many of the same things as the leading lady for years, that ending certainly tugged on the heartstrings as well.
The gameplay side of the package also suffers from feeling a tad too overly simplistic due to the demographic being pursued here, albeit to a slightly higher degree. TSM's whole concept seems to be "what if P.T., but it's not a puzzle?" You progress through its looping scenario and setting in a very linear, directed manner with no room to mess up or ponder over what to do since whatever you need to collect or interact with next is always clearly defined with a visible icon on the screen. This would almost be a straight "walking simulator" were it not for the chase sequences, survival-horror's current favorite trend that it's been stuck on for a while now thanks to Amnesia. These moments can definitely be intense, but cause the package to run into the same problem as Shattered Memories where despite the fantastic atmosphere and occasional well done jump scare it's not long before any sense of fear quickly dissipates from most of the runtime because you become fully aware of when you're truly in danger or not. Still, I found myself fairly entertained regardless and genuinely think that last sprint through the larger maze area is pretty dang good at getting the heart racing.
And the end of the day, yes this is undeniably a dumbed-down version of the beloved property. If you don't like it, well that's probably because it's not meant for you. This is Silent Hill aimed at a new, younger generation. A crowd that, let's be honest, has been programmed to require all their information and successes be spoon-fed to them. That being said, maybe it's the fact that this is a totally free experience (that got a cool stealth release) or simply because I'm not that far removed from the market they were shooting for, but if this IS the future of the series then I'm onboard. Although somewhat begrudgingly. In spite of my initial misgivings, Short Message ultimately won me over by the strength of its affecting, if severely ham-fisted narrative and competent action/scares. I can't wait to find out if all that stuff with the cherry blossoms ties into “f” in an interesting way either. So in conclusion, against the odds this brief glimpse into what's next for my personal favorite staple in the genre has left me thinking the kids might be alright in the end.
7.5/10
2020
Absolute fever dream of a game. I created a busty, maroon-skinned abomination of indeterminable gender who Naruto ran everywhere, bounced side to side on the spot whenever left idle as if they had some kind of severe hyperactive disorder, and sported a flattop haircut literally colored with one the wallpaper patterns. Shockingly my custom avatar still wasn’t the strangest thing in this world where nearly every inhabitant is gay and you can hilariously ragdoll animals' limp bodies at any time by spinning them around your head like pizza dough. Everything from the modern era Cartoon Network visual aesthetic to the fact that you shrink down to the size of an insect and launch yourself around the kitchen on wooden spoons (because apparently that's easier than just walking to the fridge at normal height) to cook gives the impression that a bunch of members of the LGBT community got together, dropped acid, and made an itch.io meme parody of Animal Crossing.
Once you get past all the weirdness of the magical mushroom forests and potions that turn you into humanoid cats though, you really are simply doing fairly typical life simulator tasks of performing favors for the locals to improve your relationships while trying to open up new areas of the island and manage a cafe. It's a genuinely charming and fun experience, even if the constant backtracking to and fro between NPCs in different sections of the map can get a bit annoying. There are plenty of optional smaller distractions for you to engage in as well, such as finding every critter or completing all the baking minigames to fully flesh out your menu of delectable goodies for customers to enjoy. The amount of queer representation will also be a delight for many. You interact with at least two openly lesbian couples, a plethora of small details on clothing or in dialogue hint at a wider array of diverse sexual orientations for the cast, and special care is given so that you can know every character's pronouns if you want to (yes, there is a they/them).
Unfortunately, Calico does have one pretty serious shortcoming, and that's how unlike the Stardew Valleys and Sims of the genre there is a clear ending point here. What's worse is that it won't take you long to reach it either. After a handful of hours, you'll have legitimately burned through all there is to do and have no reason to come back, possibly ever. Heck, even your business technically runs itself as once you create a tasty treat for the first time, subsequent batches magically and automatically produced themselves freeing you up to explore other activities. Whether the title's relatively brief lifespan is a dealbreaker or not will come down to individual preference. Personally, I think the uniquely gonzo style and endearingly quirky mechanics make it worth recommending if you're looking for something different in spite of the $12 price tag.
7.8/10
Once you get past all the weirdness of the magical mushroom forests and potions that turn you into humanoid cats though, you really are simply doing fairly typical life simulator tasks of performing favors for the locals to improve your relationships while trying to open up new areas of the island and manage a cafe. It's a genuinely charming and fun experience, even if the constant backtracking to and fro between NPCs in different sections of the map can get a bit annoying. There are plenty of optional smaller distractions for you to engage in as well, such as finding every critter or completing all the baking minigames to fully flesh out your menu of delectable goodies for customers to enjoy. The amount of queer representation will also be a delight for many. You interact with at least two openly lesbian couples, a plethora of small details on clothing or in dialogue hint at a wider array of diverse sexual orientations for the cast, and special care is given so that you can know every character's pronouns if you want to (yes, there is a they/them).
Unfortunately, Calico does have one pretty serious shortcoming, and that's how unlike the Stardew Valleys and Sims of the genre there is a clear ending point here. What's worse is that it won't take you long to reach it either. After a handful of hours, you'll have legitimately burned through all there is to do and have no reason to come back, possibly ever. Heck, even your business technically runs itself as once you create a tasty treat for the first time, subsequent batches magically and automatically produced themselves freeing you up to explore other activities. Whether the title's relatively brief lifespan is a dealbreaker or not will come down to individual preference. Personally, I think the uniquely gonzo style and endearingly quirky mechanics make it worth recommending if you're looking for something different in spite of the $12 price tag.
7.8/10
Running with Scissors tries its hand at a linear campaign. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised to see a cheap DLC add-on take a more focused, directed approach like this, but all it really does is highlight how Postal 2's combat and level-design wasn't made for or suit that kind of structure. With the open-world having been completely stripped away you're funneled into a string of segments that either have you blasting your way through corridor-shooter levels or killing X number of something (usually animals or zombies) before being able to move on. While the former is definitely more entertaining than the latter, neither are particularly fun or exciting. When the content isn't outright dull it's frustrating instead, shining a big ol' spotlight on the inconsistencies in weapon damage and enemy power. Why is it I can take out the little demon Gary Colemans faster by throwing scissors at them than using an automatic machine gun?
This change in format also forces RWS to engage in a larger amount of scripted storytelling, set pieces, and concocting of their own jokes. Most of my chuckles in the main offering came from however I chose to amuse myself with the tools I had at my disposal. Without the same range of freedom and flexibility at your fingertips here though, they're left trying to mine laughter from the stuff going down in the cutscenes, and let me tell you none of it is terribly funny. A lot of the material is recycled gags (Haha, terrorists and protestors! Satire! LOL!) and gratuitous profanity usage, so I guess I'm expected to be rolling on the floor over how much more absurd and over-the-top everything is now. This expansion marks the point where the franchise first made a heavy push into the hyper-ridiculous territory that would more or less define the property moving forward. I may not be guffawing, but we do get a few noteworthy qualities out of it. Primarily the Dude's hallucination sequences where his prior head trauma causes him to slip into a nightmarish version of reality, which I think might be the devs poking fun at Silent Hill. Whatever the case, it shows the studio has the potential to create a strong horror title visually should they ever decide to step back from the Postal brand for a second.
It's a shame this isn't better, because it's actually a big part of the property's history and lore, making it kind of essential to get the full picture. Apocalypse Weekend played a huge role in shaping the tone of the series and is also the source of that "pigeon mission" meme the fanbase constantly references (for some reason). Unfortunately, it feels about the same as your average crappy, low-budget 2000s era indie FPS. The particular weak points being an overly long and difficult escape from a U.S. military prison/nuclear silo that requires quite a bit of save scumming and one of the most dreadfully loathsome final bosses I've ever faced. I also experienced multiple crashes to desktop, which never happened to me during my playthrough of the base game. Oh well, at least when I exit to the main menu there's a sexy chick in a thong there now. So that's nice.
4/10
This change in format also forces RWS to engage in a larger amount of scripted storytelling, set pieces, and concocting of their own jokes. Most of my chuckles in the main offering came from however I chose to amuse myself with the tools I had at my disposal. Without the same range of freedom and flexibility at your fingertips here though, they're left trying to mine laughter from the stuff going down in the cutscenes, and let me tell you none of it is terribly funny. A lot of the material is recycled gags (Haha, terrorists and protestors! Satire! LOL!) and gratuitous profanity usage, so I guess I'm expected to be rolling on the floor over how much more absurd and over-the-top everything is now. This expansion marks the point where the franchise first made a heavy push into the hyper-ridiculous territory that would more or less define the property moving forward. I may not be guffawing, but we do get a few noteworthy qualities out of it. Primarily the Dude's hallucination sequences where his prior head trauma causes him to slip into a nightmarish version of reality, which I think might be the devs poking fun at Silent Hill. Whatever the case, it shows the studio has the potential to create a strong horror title visually should they ever decide to step back from the Postal brand for a second.
It's a shame this isn't better, because it's actually a big part of the property's history and lore, making it kind of essential to get the full picture. Apocalypse Weekend played a huge role in shaping the tone of the series and is also the source of that "pigeon mission" meme the fanbase constantly references (for some reason). Unfortunately, it feels about the same as your average crappy, low-budget 2000s era indie FPS. The particular weak points being an overly long and difficult escape from a U.S. military prison/nuclear silo that requires quite a bit of save scumming and one of the most dreadfully loathsome final bosses I've ever faced. I also experienced multiple crashes to desktop, which never happened to me during my playthrough of the base game. Oh well, at least when I exit to the main menu there's a sexy chick in a thong there now. So that's nice.
4/10
2003
I gotta give Running with Scissors mad props. They are some evil, evil geniuses. This is the perfect, sarcastic middle-finger response to the backlash they received for the first Postal. All that violence media outlets and parents alike got so worked up over? Entirely optional here. The devs do give you the tools to be a mass slaughtering, public urinating menace to society, but in no way force you to use them. Meaning you can go through each of the 5 days' to-do lists of ordinary life tasks completely law-abidingly. That's brilliant, because it essentially turns anybody taking this seriously enough to get offended into the big underlying joke. You can't legitimately blame the game for whatever twisted actions you catch someone performing onscreen in this case, since the amount of freedom and lack direction given in regards to how the mundane goals can be tackled make it totally the product of their own sick little minds.
What's allowed this satire of GWB era America to stand the test of time as a sort of pseudo-classic that people still play, replay, thoroughly enjoy, and talk about nearly 21 years later as of this writing isn't its ability to appeal to immature teenagers while simultaneously causing their authority figures to look pretty foolish for complaining about it, however. It's the absolute playground for childish mischief it provides. The vulgar/heinous acts you can commit and politically incorrect world they take place in are presented in a cartoonish, clearly tongue-in-cheek manner akin to something like South Park. What feelings of repulsion one could have in regards to the havoc they create is offset by the knowledge that every NPC around you is just as big of a sociopathic maniac. A fact that only becomes more evident as the scenarios you find yourself in steadily grow increasingly outlandish, absurd, deranged, and unhinged as the in-game week goes on.
Not to mention, its approach to the open-world setting may be dated by modern standards, yet there's a retro charm to that simplicity and barrenness which solely serves to pull you in further. I noticed myself exploring the map, not because I had to find X number of doodads to turn into some umpteenth quest-giver or was chasing down another icon/marker, but rather due to genuine curiosity and pure enjoyment in doing so. I had a blast ignoring my main objectives and getting lost for hours in the various locations along the way, always being rewarded in the form of stuff such as amusingly silly visual gags, ridiculous Easter egg secrets, or new weapons that are hidden in every corner in very 'Murican fashion.
The best part is that they're basically giving this away these days. I picked up a Steam key from RWS’s own website for $2, and that version comes with a variety of expansions and quality of life improving mods already pre-installed that you can toggle on or off at your discretion. As a result, I can't help but recommend this, even if just to say you have had the Postal 2 experience for yourself. You really should too. Though the entertainment it offers is undeniably juvenile and highly inappropriate, the weird trash masterpiece status and strong cult following this has managed to achieve regardless (and continues to seemingly somehow grow) elevates it to being worthy of trying despite its fairly tasteless nature. Who knows? You may end up discovering a not-so-guilty pleasure in the process like I did.
9/10
What's allowed this satire of GWB era America to stand the test of time as a sort of pseudo-classic that people still play, replay, thoroughly enjoy, and talk about nearly 21 years later as of this writing isn't its ability to appeal to immature teenagers while simultaneously causing their authority figures to look pretty foolish for complaining about it, however. It's the absolute playground for childish mischief it provides. The vulgar/heinous acts you can commit and politically incorrect world they take place in are presented in a cartoonish, clearly tongue-in-cheek manner akin to something like South Park. What feelings of repulsion one could have in regards to the havoc they create is offset by the knowledge that every NPC around you is just as big of a sociopathic maniac. A fact that only becomes more evident as the scenarios you find yourself in steadily grow increasingly outlandish, absurd, deranged, and unhinged as the in-game week goes on.
Not to mention, its approach to the open-world setting may be dated by modern standards, yet there's a retro charm to that simplicity and barrenness which solely serves to pull you in further. I noticed myself exploring the map, not because I had to find X number of doodads to turn into some umpteenth quest-giver or was chasing down another icon/marker, but rather due to genuine curiosity and pure enjoyment in doing so. I had a blast ignoring my main objectives and getting lost for hours in the various locations along the way, always being rewarded in the form of stuff such as amusingly silly visual gags, ridiculous Easter egg secrets, or new weapons that are hidden in every corner in very 'Murican fashion.
The best part is that they're basically giving this away these days. I picked up a Steam key from RWS’s own website for $2, and that version comes with a variety of expansions and quality of life improving mods already pre-installed that you can toggle on or off at your discretion. As a result, I can't help but recommend this, even if just to say you have had the Postal 2 experience for yourself. You really should too. Though the entertainment it offers is undeniably juvenile and highly inappropriate, the weird trash masterpiece status and strong cult following this has managed to achieve regardless (and continues to seemingly somehow grow) elevates it to being worthy of trying despite its fairly tasteless nature. Who knows? You may end up discovering a not-so-guilty pleasure in the process like I did.
9/10
2024
Silly little time-waster browser game I could see kids playing while stuck in computer lab or something. It's not the most exciting experience in the world from a gameplay standpoint as all you're doing is just dragging little boxes of text on top of each other to see what new words the AI systems running in the background will concoct as you do. So instead, the amusement comes from seeing exactly what kind of crazy things you can "create" for a cheap laugh with your dumb friends, and maybe the serotonin of the game congratulating you on being the first person to uncover some crazy new combination.
While personally none of that is enough to ever bring me back again for more, I can definitely still see this being super addictive for the right person. Plus, it is legitimately impressive the massive library of objects, creatures, concepts, celebrity names, fictional entities, and much more you can amass from the mere four classical elements you start off with. The fact that there's a mobile-friendly version of the site so that you can play on your phone whenever you have internet access, although not the ideal method due to the amount of scrolling you'll eventually have to do, is also a nice touch. All in all, not quite for me, but I think this succeeds pretty well at everything it sets out to do and is reasonably commendable regardless as a result.
7/10
While personally none of that is enough to ever bring me back again for more, I can definitely still see this being super addictive for the right person. Plus, it is legitimately impressive the massive library of objects, creatures, concepts, celebrity names, fictional entities, and much more you can amass from the mere four classical elements you start off with. The fact that there's a mobile-friendly version of the site so that you can play on your phone whenever you have internet access, although not the ideal method due to the amount of scrolling you'll eventually have to do, is also a nice touch. All in all, not quite for me, but I think this succeeds pretty well at everything it sets out to do and is reasonably commendable regardless as a result.
7/10
I've just completed the first full week of content for this currently ongoing, live community experience that will reportedly take place over the next 6 months.
I think we can all agree that out everything that was announced as part of Konami's revival of the Silent Hill property, Ascension was among the most intriguing. Largely because none of us really knew for certain what it was supposed to be. Some kind of online Telltale-esque adventure series? A semi-interactive streaming TV show? It was a mystery even right up till the very day it released, leading to quite a confusing and frustrating launch for many (myself included) as they tried to figure out the basics of how they were expected to use the bloody app. A process the little tutorial video that greeted everyone sadly did not help much with. Looking back, I highly doubt a single person, no matter how skeptical, expected a final product so poor that it would legitimately and without exaggeration beat out the likes of Daedelic Entertainment's Gollum and Skull Island: Rise of Kong as the worst gaming had to offer in 2023, but that's exactly what we've received.
Essentially, the best way to describe Ascension is as a gradually unfolding, player-driven cinematic narrative that presents frequent opportunities for the audience to influence where the tale will go in the future via decision polls featuring a trio of options the viewer can vote on. Sounds kind of cool and compelling, right? Unfortunately, there are several things wrong with developer Genvid's take on this concept that completely annihilates any sense of fulfillment one could have gotten from it. Shockingly, the critical issue you'll hear mentioned the least by the swarm of angry participants is just how bad the writing is. Dialogue is terrible, conversations are unnatural as a whole, and the plot (which newcomers can watch prior episodes of at any point in order to catch up) literally begins right in the middle of a pair of tragic events with no context as to who the people involved are, what the deal with their respective cults and families is, or why we should care in the slightest. Naturally, this creates a big problem when it comes to casting our ballet in determining the ultimate fates of the various protagonists. Each choice is clearly marked to show that if chosen will lead those affected down a path to either suffering, damnation, or redemption, which not only removes the faintest shred of moral ambiguity, but without the aforementioned reasons to be invested it's impossible to give a single, solitary crap how they'll end up, defeating the entire point of this whole mess!
The issue its detractors DO complain about though is the monetization, and yes, it's as bad as you've probably heard. You see, rather than tallying the results of the voting periods by the simple and fair method of seeing which outcome the majority of individuals picked, they are instead determined by whichever one had the most "influence points," an in-game currency you can buy with IRL cash, poured into it. I will say that Genvid has provided means for players who understandably don't want to open up their wallets to grind for this necessary "IP" in the form of repeatable minigames, alongside daily and weekly goals. Some of which, such as lockbox and codebreaker, are genuinely fun and feel right at home in the Silent Hill franchise (others are of the generic match-3 or more variety). They even updated it recently so that those of us committing to the strictly free route have access to a larger selection of these optional diversions. Unfortunately, the bulk of content on this front and their subsequent rewards are sadly locked behind the $20 season pass, and it's just easier in general to amass a greater amount of this virtual wealth through using your real-world money on the direct microtransactions. Something the devs lied in an interview about and said wouldn't be possible by the way. So people who don't pay will always be less influential in the decision-making portion of the package than those do. Not to mention they won't ever have an opportunity to get their hands on a special "Golden Moment" as they are solely reserved for the biggest spenders. An idea that vaguely, if not blatantly reeks of NFT-esque scumminess.
Buying outcomes isn't the only use for accumulated IP, however. It can also be redeemed for tickets that can win your customizable avatar, that otherwise serves no purpose, a role in an upcoming scene. This would be a more enticing prospect if the assortment of interchangeable body features and clothing weren't so meager, causing the user-created characters to appear wildly out of place next to the regular cast. You will get the occasional freebie thrown out by the randomized reward system to help fill your wardrobe, but if you truly want to flesh out your collection of outfits and hairstyles to hopefully make an OC who doesn't look too stupid onscreen then you'll have to spring for the season pass and acquire the greater variety of appealing cosmetics contained within. Yet another ploy to try and separate you from your hard-earned dollarydoos...
Four paragraphs already and I haven't even got to the technical problems. The biggest motivation for watching the streams live, outside of the amusingly desperate (yet nonetheless boring) pre- and post-shows attempts to build hype and do some damage control that bafflingly drone on for longer than the actual 5 to 10-minute episodes themselves, is the multiplayer quick-time gameplay sequences. Your inputs in these non-canon segments don't have any effect on the regularly reused animated action running in the background, but the collective success or failure of everybody involved does impact the level of hope for whatever lead is featured that night. An element you'll want to stay on top of, as apparently it will be a factor in whether or not they ultimately survive this nonsense. Therefore, it's frustrating when these moments straight-up don't function properly. My first chance getting to play one of these was marred by the fact that despite the community's reported success, ol' boy Karl's hopefulness decreased anyways. Ain't that some ish? Had another time where nothing to interact with was ever displayed onscreen. Then there's the continuous glitch where the server fails to register/save how you've invested your influence points and resets things like it never happened, and the frequent annoyance of having to usually close and reopen the app in order to get the stream to work in full-screen mode.
I must also take a second to bemoan the loss of the public chat, a sorely missed source of stupid hilarity. It got shutdown almost immediately after being flooded with utter ridiculousness and totally justifiable bashing of the experience, not even living to see the second showing if I recall correctly. I'm fully convinced that the latter of the two is the sole reason it still hasn't been brought back as of this writing. While the ability to use text may be gone possibly forever(?), that hasn't stopped trolls from spamming the feed with incessant emojis and the other similar items remaining at their disposal . Scrolling through an absolute wall of the "shady" and "no way" stickers whenever members of the development team draw the short straw and have to act as spokespeople to and attempt appeasing the disappointed masses is always funny.
To summarize, this is a buggy, money-grubbing disaster where the story that's supposed to serve as the driving force is so poorly told that it doesn't make sense to the degree of borderline incoherency, and the scariest thing about it is how it tries to dig around in your pockets and couch cushions for loose change. It may also confirm my biggest suspicion/fear upon seeing projects such as Silent Hill f that Konami is going to be slapping the iconic horror juggernaut's name on projects with no real connection to its established lore, as outside of a small theory I've found referenced in a few places it's unclear how this connects to the larger fiction of the series, if at all. We haven't even really seen much of the surprisingly fittingly designed monsters outside of the QTEs yet. I will admit, we are currently still very early on in the event's projected lifespan and as I plan to tough it out until the conclusion, should circumstances improve and shift my opinion for the better or there be updates worth talking about I will write a follow-up piece with a new score to reflect this. Until that happens (and it probably won't) consider this my definitive review, because as much as the fanbase loves to complain about Homecoming, Book of Memories, the pachinko machines, and Bloober Team being handed the reigns of the SH 2 remake Ascension is unequivocally the worst thing to happen to the Silent Hill franchise to date.
1/10
I think we can all agree that out everything that was announced as part of Konami's revival of the Silent Hill property, Ascension was among the most intriguing. Largely because none of us really knew for certain what it was supposed to be. Some kind of online Telltale-esque adventure series? A semi-interactive streaming TV show? It was a mystery even right up till the very day it released, leading to quite a confusing and frustrating launch for many (myself included) as they tried to figure out the basics of how they were expected to use the bloody app. A process the little tutorial video that greeted everyone sadly did not help much with. Looking back, I highly doubt a single person, no matter how skeptical, expected a final product so poor that it would legitimately and without exaggeration beat out the likes of Daedelic Entertainment's Gollum and Skull Island: Rise of Kong as the worst gaming had to offer in 2023, but that's exactly what we've received.
Essentially, the best way to describe Ascension is as a gradually unfolding, player-driven cinematic narrative that presents frequent opportunities for the audience to influence where the tale will go in the future via decision polls featuring a trio of options the viewer can vote on. Sounds kind of cool and compelling, right? Unfortunately, there are several things wrong with developer Genvid's take on this concept that completely annihilates any sense of fulfillment one could have gotten from it. Shockingly, the critical issue you'll hear mentioned the least by the swarm of angry participants is just how bad the writing is. Dialogue is terrible, conversations are unnatural as a whole, and the plot (which newcomers can watch prior episodes of at any point in order to catch up) literally begins right in the middle of a pair of tragic events with no context as to who the people involved are, what the deal with their respective cults and families is, or why we should care in the slightest. Naturally, this creates a big problem when it comes to casting our ballet in determining the ultimate fates of the various protagonists. Each choice is clearly marked to show that if chosen will lead those affected down a path to either suffering, damnation, or redemption, which not only removes the faintest shred of moral ambiguity, but without the aforementioned reasons to be invested it's impossible to give a single, solitary crap how they'll end up, defeating the entire point of this whole mess!
The issue its detractors DO complain about though is the monetization, and yes, it's as bad as you've probably heard. You see, rather than tallying the results of the voting periods by the simple and fair method of seeing which outcome the majority of individuals picked, they are instead determined by whichever one had the most "influence points," an in-game currency you can buy with IRL cash, poured into it. I will say that Genvid has provided means for players who understandably don't want to open up their wallets to grind for this necessary "IP" in the form of repeatable minigames, alongside daily and weekly goals. Some of which, such as lockbox and codebreaker, are genuinely fun and feel right at home in the Silent Hill franchise (others are of the generic match-3 or more variety). They even updated it recently so that those of us committing to the strictly free route have access to a larger selection of these optional diversions. Unfortunately, the bulk of content on this front and their subsequent rewards are sadly locked behind the $20 season pass, and it's just easier in general to amass a greater amount of this virtual wealth through using your real-world money on the direct microtransactions. Something the devs lied in an interview about and said wouldn't be possible by the way. So people who don't pay will always be less influential in the decision-making portion of the package than those do. Not to mention they won't ever have an opportunity to get their hands on a special "Golden Moment" as they are solely reserved for the biggest spenders. An idea that vaguely, if not blatantly reeks of NFT-esque scumminess.
Buying outcomes isn't the only use for accumulated IP, however. It can also be redeemed for tickets that can win your customizable avatar, that otherwise serves no purpose, a role in an upcoming scene. This would be a more enticing prospect if the assortment of interchangeable body features and clothing weren't so meager, causing the user-created characters to appear wildly out of place next to the regular cast. You will get the occasional freebie thrown out by the randomized reward system to help fill your wardrobe, but if you truly want to flesh out your collection of outfits and hairstyles to hopefully make an OC who doesn't look too stupid onscreen then you'll have to spring for the season pass and acquire the greater variety of appealing cosmetics contained within. Yet another ploy to try and separate you from your hard-earned dollarydoos...
Four paragraphs already and I haven't even got to the technical problems. The biggest motivation for watching the streams live, outside of the amusingly desperate (yet nonetheless boring) pre- and post-shows attempts to build hype and do some damage control that bafflingly drone on for longer than the actual 5 to 10-minute episodes themselves, is the multiplayer quick-time gameplay sequences. Your inputs in these non-canon segments don't have any effect on the regularly reused animated action running in the background, but the collective success or failure of everybody involved does impact the level of hope for whatever lead is featured that night. An element you'll want to stay on top of, as apparently it will be a factor in whether or not they ultimately survive this nonsense. Therefore, it's frustrating when these moments straight-up don't function properly. My first chance getting to play one of these was marred by the fact that despite the community's reported success, ol' boy Karl's hopefulness decreased anyways. Ain't that some ish? Had another time where nothing to interact with was ever displayed onscreen. Then there's the continuous glitch where the server fails to register/save how you've invested your influence points and resets things like it never happened, and the frequent annoyance of having to usually close and reopen the app in order to get the stream to work in full-screen mode.
I must also take a second to bemoan the loss of the public chat, a sorely missed source of stupid hilarity. It got shutdown almost immediately after being flooded with utter ridiculousness and totally justifiable bashing of the experience, not even living to see the second showing if I recall correctly. I'm fully convinced that the latter of the two is the sole reason it still hasn't been brought back as of this writing. While the ability to use text may be gone possibly forever(?), that hasn't stopped trolls from spamming the feed with incessant emojis and the other similar items remaining at their disposal . Scrolling through an absolute wall of the "shady" and "no way" stickers whenever members of the development team draw the short straw and have to act as spokespeople to and attempt appeasing the disappointed masses is always funny.
To summarize, this is a buggy, money-grubbing disaster where the story that's supposed to serve as the driving force is so poorly told that it doesn't make sense to the degree of borderline incoherency, and the scariest thing about it is how it tries to dig around in your pockets and couch cushions for loose change. It may also confirm my biggest suspicion/fear upon seeing projects such as Silent Hill f that Konami is going to be slapping the iconic horror juggernaut's name on projects with no real connection to its established lore, as outside of a small theory I've found referenced in a few places it's unclear how this connects to the larger fiction of the series, if at all. We haven't even really seen much of the surprisingly fittingly designed monsters outside of the QTEs yet. I will admit, we are currently still very early on in the event's projected lifespan and as I plan to tough it out until the conclusion, should circumstances improve and shift my opinion for the better or there be updates worth talking about I will write a follow-up piece with a new score to reflect this. Until that happens (and it probably won't) consider this my definitive review, because as much as the fanbase loves to complain about Homecoming, Book of Memories, the pachinko machines, and Bloober Team being handed the reigns of the SH 2 remake Ascension is unequivocally the worst thing to happen to the Silent Hill franchise to date.
1/10
2010
In a way this was almost a tough one to rate. It’s such a pitiful wad of nothing that it's hard to get genuinely offended by it, but at the same time doesn't deserve a score high enough to make people think it's more mediocre than it is tragically pathetic. With its isometric perspective a first glance will give you the impression that this is a throwback to the original 1997 title which started it all. That may have sort of been the intent, but the gameplay loop is entirely different. Rather than massacring everyone onscreen you're instead trekking to some point on the map, clicking through mundane dialogue boxes (I think the writing is trying to be funny and/or satirical, but misses both marks by a mile) once you get there, and then usually shooting the NPC you just got done talking to. Repeat ad nauseam for a brief handful of levels and with all the speed of a PowerPoint slideshow presentation.
To be clear, you CAN go on a rampaging killing spree in any of the fairly open and sizeable environments whenever you want. Cops will even spawn in to give you someone to fight back against. There's just absolutely no reason to do so other than I guess getting a higher score at the end of the stage (whoop-de-freaking-doo). Still, I could see that providing some mindless distraction while sitting in a waiting room or something, were it not for how bad the combat is. All you do is move forward until a green box indicating you've locked onto something appears and hold the fire key until it falls down or limply explodes. It's simplistic to an unexciting fault. Did I mention the only sound you'll hear is a single grating track played constantly on loop?
This is especially unacceptable and embarrassing for the developer when you consider that it came out back in 2010. Yeah, the year we got stuff like Spider-Man: Total Mayhem. I get that it's more than a little unfair to compare a Java game to one that came out on iPhone and Android, yet even on the J2ME scene there was a fully 3D Quake spin-off released around the same time. It wasn't exactly great either (an FPS on a keypad? No thank you!), but at least that was impressive for what it attempted given the technology. Postal's second outing on cellphones is a lifeless, dull, and ultimately empty experience not really worthy of so much as passing curiosity from the fanbase, however. The sole trace of depth comes in the form of the perks and guns that unlock as you go, which you can use to create your own loadout before each chapter. With that being a basically pointless feature though considering how little you do across the minuscule campaign I feel like at the end of the day even the mobile version of Metal Gear: Acid had more going on than this.
4.9/10
To be clear, you CAN go on a rampaging killing spree in any of the fairly open and sizeable environments whenever you want. Cops will even spawn in to give you someone to fight back against. There's just absolutely no reason to do so other than I guess getting a higher score at the end of the stage (whoop-de-freaking-doo). Still, I could see that providing some mindless distraction while sitting in a waiting room or something, were it not for how bad the combat is. All you do is move forward until a green box indicating you've locked onto something appears and hold the fire key until it falls down or limply explodes. It's simplistic to an unexciting fault. Did I mention the only sound you'll hear is a single grating track played constantly on loop?
This is especially unacceptable and embarrassing for the developer when you consider that it came out back in 2010. Yeah, the year we got stuff like Spider-Man: Total Mayhem. I get that it's more than a little unfair to compare a Java game to one that came out on iPhone and Android, yet even on the J2ME scene there was a fully 3D Quake spin-off released around the same time. It wasn't exactly great either (an FPS on a keypad? No thank you!), but at least that was impressive for what it attempted given the technology. Postal's second outing on cellphones is a lifeless, dull, and ultimately empty experience not really worthy of so much as passing curiosity from the fanbase, however. The sole trace of depth comes in the form of the perks and guns that unlock as you go, which you can use to create your own loadout before each chapter. With that being a basically pointless feature though considering how little you do across the minuscule campaign I feel like at the end of the day even the mobile version of Metal Gear: Acid had more going on than this.
4.9/10
Weakest combat, worst checkpoint placement, buggiest gameplay, and the poorest sound mixing (with once again no subtitle option to help your straining ears) out of the Sands trilogy. Yet, it's hard to be any less enamored with the experience given how it brings the story of this iteration of the titular character full circle. No longer the prideful young man we met in SoT or the angry, desperate individual he was in WW, The Two Thrones finds the Prince more solemn in demeanor. Seasoned, weary, and haunted by his past adventures and mistakes. This concluding chapter of his tale is all about him learning to face the consequences of his actions and overcoming the evils of vanity and selfishness in his heart to become the king his people deserve. It's themes of personal growth are powerful and add an emotional component to the story that was missing in its most direct predecessor, as our hero struggles with the temptations offered when the darker aspects of his personality are literally given a voice of their own and a returning love interest (herself having been a bit hardened by events) brings his honorable qualities back to the surface. That final segment before the credits roll where the two halves of his soul battle it out for supremacy, which I had honestly completely forgotten about, really spoke to me and brought about some personal realizations, allowing me to grow alongside the protagonist.
So the writing absolutely delivers in all the ways you'd hope, even exceeding expectations in terms of depth, and luckily while I do have my minor qualms the gameplay does as well. Triple T takes the best received elements from Warrior Within (the combo system, secondary weapons, etc.) and places them in the structure of Time. Although it is a little disappointing to see them forgo the second entry's larger scale rather than further refining and expanding upon it in favor of returning to a linear format, the title's new inclusions to the formula keep things from ever feeling like a total retread. Challenging chariot chase segments have been introduced alongside a variety of original twists on traps and platforming objects such as plates for stabbing your dagger into to hang on walls and panels that can launch you at angles. All of which come off as right at home in the series. Heck, the ability to now perch atop the bars you could previously only swing on is so natural I truly wondered why no one had thought of it sooner. Then there are the creative and exciting scenarios you'll encounter, from making your way through pitch-black ruins by only the glow of a magic sword to scaling the exterior of the massive Tower of Babel, that are memorable enough to help distinguish it in the minds of the players.
I suppose now would be the time to address my comments at the start of this review made in regards to the combat. It's not bad since the game basically uses the same system as Within, but attacks don't carry the same weight, there's a severely smaller pool of secondary weapons, throwing said secondary weapons is entirely unreliable now in terms of whether they'll hit the target or not, and despite looking cool the enemies aren't much fun to actually fight. As a result, I really only enjoyed battles when playing the "Dark Prince" segments. Two Thrones takes the relatively brief Sand Wraith section from the previous outing and runs with it. At regular points you'll swap over to this ancillary character who's devastating chain whip is a blast and can even let you swing across large gaps, more than making up for his constantly draining health. Most of the time you're the standard Prince however, so you'll probably want to avoid engaging with the local threats as much as possible. I imagine this was done to emphasize the new "speed" QTE stealth kills you can trigger by approaching an unaware enemy from behind, which on top of being a solid way to bypass the tedium of clashing with aggressive bands of soldiers also serve to reinforce why I love this title's location so much in a way.
Babylon might be my favorite setting in the franchise thus far. Not just because it's gorgeous and features fantastic level design with stellar environments that have remained etched in my brain for years, but thanks to its phenomenal tone as well. The vibe of being a lone, underequipped individual in a city being overtaken by hostile invaders who's only surviving the war going on around him by sticking to back alleys and streets less-traveled is near-perfectly captured. It reminded me a lot of Call of Duty missions I've played where you're sneaking through some Middle Eastern town to eliminate a high-profile target, stretched out into an entire campaign with that same sense of tension and insurmountable odds.
My point only other complaints stem from the technical side of the package. I've encountered a ton of minor visual goofs (locks of hair poking through faces, swords facing wrong angles in hands, and so on), foes inexplicably walking in circles and becoming invincible in corners rather than attacking me, and it's always annoying to have constantly toggle the volume on your TV because you can't hear what's being said in a cutscene or over the background noise all of the sudden. Stuff like that alongside how this apparently backtracks on the plans for increasing the property's scope the prior installment started should mean this is the weakest of its trilogy for me. Instead, it's currently my second favorite entry in the franchise overall as of this writing. The Two Thrones is a worthy conclusion for Prince of Persia's Sands storyline that takes the brand's always exhilarating parkour platforming and pairs it with some of its strongest writing thematically to give its protagonist the satisfying send-off they deserve, and create another standout gaming experience in the process that defies its age to remain a must-play for any and everyone.
9.2/10
So the writing absolutely delivers in all the ways you'd hope, even exceeding expectations in terms of depth, and luckily while I do have my minor qualms the gameplay does as well. Triple T takes the best received elements from Warrior Within (the combo system, secondary weapons, etc.) and places them in the structure of Time. Although it is a little disappointing to see them forgo the second entry's larger scale rather than further refining and expanding upon it in favor of returning to a linear format, the title's new inclusions to the formula keep things from ever feeling like a total retread. Challenging chariot chase segments have been introduced alongside a variety of original twists on traps and platforming objects such as plates for stabbing your dagger into to hang on walls and panels that can launch you at angles. All of which come off as right at home in the series. Heck, the ability to now perch atop the bars you could previously only swing on is so natural I truly wondered why no one had thought of it sooner. Then there are the creative and exciting scenarios you'll encounter, from making your way through pitch-black ruins by only the glow of a magic sword to scaling the exterior of the massive Tower of Babel, that are memorable enough to help distinguish it in the minds of the players.
I suppose now would be the time to address my comments at the start of this review made in regards to the combat. It's not bad since the game basically uses the same system as Within, but attacks don't carry the same weight, there's a severely smaller pool of secondary weapons, throwing said secondary weapons is entirely unreliable now in terms of whether they'll hit the target or not, and despite looking cool the enemies aren't much fun to actually fight. As a result, I really only enjoyed battles when playing the "Dark Prince" segments. Two Thrones takes the relatively brief Sand Wraith section from the previous outing and runs with it. At regular points you'll swap over to this ancillary character who's devastating chain whip is a blast and can even let you swing across large gaps, more than making up for his constantly draining health. Most of the time you're the standard Prince however, so you'll probably want to avoid engaging with the local threats as much as possible. I imagine this was done to emphasize the new "speed" QTE stealth kills you can trigger by approaching an unaware enemy from behind, which on top of being a solid way to bypass the tedium of clashing with aggressive bands of soldiers also serve to reinforce why I love this title's location so much in a way.
Babylon might be my favorite setting in the franchise thus far. Not just because it's gorgeous and features fantastic level design with stellar environments that have remained etched in my brain for years, but thanks to its phenomenal tone as well. The vibe of being a lone, underequipped individual in a city being overtaken by hostile invaders who's only surviving the war going on around him by sticking to back alleys and streets less-traveled is near-perfectly captured. It reminded me a lot of Call of Duty missions I've played where you're sneaking through some Middle Eastern town to eliminate a high-profile target, stretched out into an entire campaign with that same sense of tension and insurmountable odds.
My point only other complaints stem from the technical side of the package. I've encountered a ton of minor visual goofs (locks of hair poking through faces, swords facing wrong angles in hands, and so on), foes inexplicably walking in circles and becoming invincible in corners rather than attacking me, and it's always annoying to have constantly toggle the volume on your TV because you can't hear what's being said in a cutscene or over the background noise all of the sudden. Stuff like that alongside how this apparently backtracks on the plans for increasing the property's scope the prior installment started should mean this is the weakest of its trilogy for me. Instead, it's currently my second favorite entry in the franchise overall as of this writing. The Two Thrones is a worthy conclusion for Prince of Persia's Sands storyline that takes the brand's always exhilarating parkour platforming and pairs it with some of its strongest writing thematically to give its protagonist the satisfying send-off they deserve, and create another standout gaming experience in the process that defies its age to remain a must-play for any and everyone.
9.2/10