I was like y'all once, happy to talk about how good Burnout Paradise was and how it's one of the best open world games. I'd play it every so often, because hot damn, what a good game. I even got excited when the remastered version came out! I bought it! I played it! And now I never want to look at this video game ever again. I can't explain what changed, I can only relate it to the breaking point from eating your favorite food too much. The idea of playing this game ever again would make me feel like I just got a terminal diagnosis, and even then, I would feel bad about how I'm using that time.

This is probably the most heretical opinion I have when it comes to action games, but here's how I'd explain it: I like sports. I like to watch sports. I'd even play some, if the opportunity presented itself! But one thing I won't do is humor anyone's fuckin' Sportsball jokes, or listen to pitches on nerdy alternatives to sports without voicing disapproval. I'm happy just liking sports and I don't need to remind people I'm Not Like Most Girls when I do.

I played this with a friend of mine who's headset had a weird way of reactivating when it unmuted, where it sounded like his room sound held completely still when it was off and slowly rushed back towards the mic as it unmuted. I pointed this sound out and made a mimicry of it, and then for the rest of our playthrough, every time a space ship entered the warp he'd mute his microphone and unmute it when it left the warp. That's when I knew they were going to be a good dad.

This is maybe not my favorite fighting game that I've ever played, but it's definitely the one I'd pull up first if I wanted to show someone how gorgeous sprite art could be and why I feel like we aren't done exploring that space. And by "exploring that space," I do not mean "remaking the same four super nintendo games over and over, but what sprite art can be made to say in context of itself, how it can portray surroundings in a realistic unreality. Technology forcing a limiter on interpretation of modern trends. Meadows of scanlines and oceans of dots.

There was a split second where this felt like the biggest game in the world, and even then it felt like a fever dream. On paper, it's the most "dudes rock" game of all time, running around punching infrastructure to death. At the same time, I imagine that most of the playthroughs of this game ended with everyone deciding to do something else and walking away from the cabinet.

One of the best things Sega Channel ever did for me, and one of the places where Xbox Game Pass falls short, is not show the box art on games. Clicking a button that just said "Bio-Hazard Battle" in text and then having Bio-Hazard Battle happen is the reason people download huge lots of ROMs, not knowing what they are, just to hit load and go "what the hell is this" and get an answer you'd never see coming. Though, admittedly, this box art specifically isn't the best setup for what actually happens in Bio Hazard Battle, piloting a giant nematode or whatever through science hell to shoot the living fuck out of everything that pulsates. This game is sick and I miss mystery.

Context: I only watched this game, I did not play it, but in lieu of an actual good way to get access to games I count full playthrough videos as an equally valid playthrough. It's like renting a movie but it's still your favorite story you saw all year.

Resident Evil & Silent Hill came out after Alone in the Dark, and I think that's a useful thing to keep in mind when the temptation to invoke Five Nights At Freddy's passes through anyone trying to talk about this game. The priming of puppets as potentially malicious forces does owe something to those games, but where those games exist for more commercial pursuits, My Friendly Neighborhood actually tries to talk about things. Either brilliantly or accidentally, it uses children's show "what did we learn" voicing to talk about these things, but if I've learned anything from watching denser stories about empathy bounce off the skulls of sycophants, that's kind of where you have to meet a lot of people who play games if you want to ask them why we let malicious forces do things to us that no one likes.

Some people say that Bayonetta 3 is where the series derailed, which is interesting because the last boss of Bayonetta 2 exists.

Often as fun as dreams about being unable to throw a punch

2008

the only game i ever pirated out of pure spite

At some point I decided to get the console version of this despite having the PC version. On that same trip to Best Buy, I bought my first vinyl record ever, which was "Unknown Pleasures" by Joy Division. I also spent some time punching the lamp post near our car when we got there so I could try to make my knuckles bigger. I will only get weirder.

A game so good it got me to watch the movie that followed it, that mostly got greenlit because this game was so good. I bet it's not aging great, and I'm hesitant to test that theory because my time with it still wields a lot of power in my mind.

Every so often I have to lead a review explaining part of my scoring scale again, and so I have to do so again here. 2 stars in my parlance = I regret playing this. In this specific case, one of the worst people I ever met came over to my house with this game, wanted to play it, whooped our ass in it and refused to explain how the game worked at all. I regret humoring him. The game's probably fine.